How I Accidently Connected To My Higher-Self
I accidentally connected to my Higher-Self on April 26th 2019 and stayed connected with a thing in my chest(that’s also in your chest) for four days. I got healed by the Eternal and then also pushed it away. I’m desiring very much for it to happen again.
The path to this probably starts when you are born and it’s everything in your life and everyone else’s. I could say that it started when I moved back home and back in with Grandma in 2012 to help take care of Grandpa, because that was a wise decision. Or it could have been after, when I had my Dark Night of the Soul event on February 15th 2017. It might have been when I stopped drinking, in October of 2018. It also could have been in January 2019 when I started taking walks with PT.
PT’s son, Stephen, had passed away in September of 2018 from heart failure due to a genetic condition while he was sleeping at age 34. He left his mother, father, brother and three sisters, as well as numerous other people, behind. Selfishly or observantly I immediately thought of my own family, with my Uncle, my namesake, passing away just before turning 27 and leaving his mother, father and two sisters behind. It was similar enough, a horrible tragedy and so many loved ones left to grieve. It was not fair at all.
His passing did something to me. I had a slight friendship with his oldest sister and even lusted after her years ago. At the time of his passing she had not been doing very well, and had been living in Mexico for a few years at that point. She returned to the U.S. and the family gathered for his memorial. I went to pay my respects and condolences and reconnected with my friend, his oldest sister.
We spent some time together and I ended up falling in love and she went back to Mexico. She did not reciprocate my feelings and I thought that was fine, as feelings change. Her’s could change and mine could change and it was fine. But I can be very intense with my feelings, mostly on the good side, but intensity is intensity and it can be too much for people. I don’t think she was a big fan of my feelings. She has a very rare disease called Addison’s that prevents her body from producing adrenaline so intensity and herself don’t really mix. I started then doing my best of being very careful with the words I would say, as not to cause any surge of anything. Like a steady stream, I was aiming to be.
I thought and felt that there was an overarching story going on here. That being able to make things right with this girl’s world would make things right in my own family’s world and that would start to make things right in all the worlds, including mine. Now that’s some lofty thinking and feeling there, pretty nice stuff.
She told me she was concerned about how her mother was doing, so I got in contact with her mother and started going hiking, taking walks, and spending time with her. During that time I realized I had fallen in love with her too. That was unexpected. Being in love with a mother and her daughter.
I also thought I needed to figure out my sexuality, as in gay or homosexual feelings. I had some mild gay experiences at that point, always involving alcohol, and a long term girlfriend I had made a little mole hill about my sexuality. I had a friend, M, who was the beginning cause of this.
M had been in love with me years ago and even came on to me at one point. I was absolutely not interested at the time, but as the years went on we remained close for a time and I honestly cared about him very deeply and supported most of the decisions he would make. He is a very good person and always seemed like he was trying to do his genuine best. Maybe it was years worth of built up flattery. He was the only man I could think of that I would possibly be interested in. And he wasn’t my only gay friend.
It was February 14th 2019 and I drove up to San Franciso and picked up E, another gay friend, and drove him back to my place to live with me. He said a lot of stuff that I had recently learned was dangerous. “You saved my life,” was one of them. This wasn’t meant in the spiritual sense, it was more meant in a narcissistic, egotistical sense and way of living. I’ve suffered from this too, it’s not uncommon. It’s like an over inflated ego popping that you’re afraid of, avoiding the possibility of a crisis and basically postponing it.
We ended up having a sexual experience together shortly after he moved in and it was done in a pretty weird way. I’m an open person so this might make even less sense if you’re closed off. We had talked about my possible bi-sexuality due to my other experiences, and I also pointed out how I needed to figure this out without alcohol. And I quickly learned that E was a heavy drinker.
Within two weeks of moving in, E came into my room at three in the morning and woke me up. He said “I’m scared, can I get in bed with you?” And I said yeah, and I was serious. I wasn’t thinking anything sexual here, and I infact had an enormous erection as I woke up. That’s why when he got into bed and ended up touching me I didn’t blame him for thinking I was turned on by him. I wasn’t for many reasons.
I ended up letting him go down on me for about half an hour. I could not get out of my head how weird it was that things were happening the way they were. There was no correct build up to this. At the time I figured he was drunk and this is him being very thankful and maybe even trying something he had never done before. It was a few weeks after this I realized it was a form of sexual assualt and that was a huge step towards revelations.
The next day I attempted to talk about what happened the night before. I wanted to let him know that he didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but the way he went about it was unexpected and alien to me. At the time I didn’t know it was a predatory act, as naive as that might sound. I had questions for him that would benefit both of us if he was able to answer them, very personal questions, but I had known him for around thirteen or more years at this point. Unfortunately he did his best to play off the situation, blaming it on his drinking. He was embarrassed, to say the least, and I didn’t really understand why. An honest mistake is an honest mistake. Looking back, his drinking, like so many people’s, was his attempt at hiding or repressing traumatic events that he both received and created. And in this attempt at repressing more were created and received. The very dangerous combination of alcohol and dishonesty, hand in hand as they commonly are.
For all of this, I was still walking and talking with PT and her oldest daughter. I was sharing as best I could, as honestly and as gently as I could, with both of them. I asked PT for advice to remove E from my house, and she knew the exact correct steps to take. This contrasted from the advice that I received from my aunt about it, who immediately jumped to getting an attorney. Her best advice was to drastically exacerbate the problem, take it from bad to worse. And that is a pretty common way of acting and operating. The simpler, and also the higher road less traveled, is honestly talking everything out. And that was closer to what PT’s advice was. What it actually was, was talking with a free low-level domestic living consultant that understood the legal system and tried to nip situations early before they could grow into actual legal problems. The goal was to prevent legal problems from occurring, rather than create them. This mentality is forgien to privileged and sheltered people, but not limited to them.
I took PT’s advice and talked with someone knowledgeable about evictions and got a notice to vacate from her to give to E. I did this and while he pretended to not take it seriously, he did end up leaving before the process had to go any further. And I believe he did this because we both knew it was the correct thing to do and because he isn’t a bad person. I don’t believe that anyone is a bad person deep down, but a person can do everything in their power to try and convince someone otherwise. That’s a dangerous game too.
I went to an event called Take Back The Night that had speakers who are survivors of sexual assault. It’s about taking your power back from the night of assault and more, and empowering yourself. It’s sharing your trauma and helping others with theirs. It was powerful and the speakers were all incredibly strong. There was this woman, a biker mama. She had been kept a slave for years. It was horrible. After she spoke, I made my way to her. I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said yes. We hugged and we cried and she asked me questions. I was unsure about everything, I felt like I was in a stupor of some sort. All I knew was I wanted to hug her. She told me great things, like I would feel like Superman, and I agreed with her.
At the time I knew I was there because of the underlying truth of my experience with E, but after talking with this woman, this amazingly wonderful and strong and incredible survivor, I realized something else. I had felt like a slave. It occurred sometime after my mother and I were separated, while I was being raised by my Grandparents. I could not speak back against the narrative that was set by the family and I had begun to develop my own, my own truth about my life and my best understanding of my families. I realized during that time I felt my voice was silenced, I felt like a slave, since I was told “Children are to be seen and not heard,” and that was supposed to be a very good thing. I did not agree with it.
This is very common and probably happens in all families, even the ones that are the best. It’s probably just one of those living life things and no one is spared some form of conflict.
I had been unintentionally assaulted and then found power in it, by personally owning the experience, and then talked with a true survivor who triggered more revelations about life and I learned I would eventually further empower or be empowered by and with myself.
I still didn’t have my feelings worked out but I was closer to the truth, without realizing it. My head was absolutely swimming when I left the event. Everyone needed to become a master of their own history and then they could create their own bright technicolored future. Mastering a thing is learning all about a thing to the point of absolute understanding. When you know where you’ve come from, what happened with your creation and after your creation, you can proceed to a very awe inspiring future.
Along with stopping drinking and becoming open about my sexuality I had also started eating less and better. Over the course of 6-7 months I lost about 50 pounds. At the time I was not doing this for me and I didn’t believe I was doing it for myself either(but I learned that wasn’t exactly true) but I told myself that I was doing it for the girl I was in love with. The point here is it was not ego-driven but it was heart-driven, love-driven. I needed to have a “swimmer’s body,” is what I told myself. So I shrunk. It was even hard for me to notice that I was being successful with it.
To recap; I stopped drinking, took walks and went hiking, spoke as honestly and as genuinely as I was comfortable and confident with, and believed someone was doing that with me as well, did not close myself off from experiences and had new experiences, believed I was being my best self, believed I was serving something other than my own ego/selfish thoughts, ate healthier and less all around, explored my sexuality and discovered shocking truths I never imagined.
I was also not depriving myself of anything. While walking and talking with PT she shared that self-punishment was a thing people often did, and I was incredibly guilty of that for years and years. I stopped punishing myself and that took practice.
After the decision to stop drinking, I still ended up drinking. And I would start to beat myself up over that. And that’s part of the negative shame spiral that people can get trapped in if they think it so. I found support for that on Reddit, in a little forum that was called Stop Drinking. And it was full of incredibly supportive and sad people. I read comments and posts and testimonials and the good and the bad. Fortunately, I was able to be one of the supportive people and loved answering the phrase “I will not drink with you today” with the same phrase. Unity around not drinking, that is pretty rad. I’m not even sure how many times I slipped before I stopped checking into the page and felt comfortable with myself about how I managed my drinking problem.
I had also been incorporating older relationships back into my active life. I had started producing a scripted podcast. I put in a lot of serious work in getting a creative project off the ground. It failed spectacularly but a couple episodes of Frank Gordon: Pandimensional Corporate Espionage Agent did get produced. I had gotten some of my oldest friends involved, trying to get all of us to become close with each other again. Life does that, creates distance. That and trauma. Trauma of living a life. The old friends I had gathered did their best to take the project seriously, but it never made its way into their lived lives. By that I mean I was the only old friend who was genuinely excited about working on the project. It was a fun but frustrating experience.
Here’s a little list, as succinct as can be, of the steps taken to connect to your Higher-Self.
- Be as open and honest as you are comfortable with.
- Allow the voice in your head to become silent.
- Desire to be more so.
- Reconnect with nature.
- Identify and change destructive habits.
- Engage with creation.
- Treat others how you would like to be treated.
- Be accepting of things “too good to be true.”
Writing that out, the destruction and creation go hand in hand. By choosing to create, or be creative, destruction or destructive things will happen but what ends up getting destroyed are the false or incorrect things in your life. And what is wonderful is you are the person doing it.
The final step I have up there, accepting things “too good to be true” was a big one and one of the last steps taken. And I added a big step I forgot, which is basically meditation. That is getting the voice in your head to calm, calm, calm down and become silent and allows you to ‘tune in’ to the world of yourself or the world around you or even both. PT told me about Eckhart Tolle who teaches people about being ‘present.’
Being present means basically not getting lost in your head or thoughts or ego and there’s many ways a person can go about it. PT jogged my memory that my Grandpa introduced this concept to me when I was little. The way he described it was a thing that the Native Americans did. They would go out hunting or whatever and they would ‘tune in’ to the world. They would sit still and observe the sounds and sights and smells and use all their senses and become like nature themselves. As a kid I attempted to do the same thing, I remember.
On vacation with my Grandparents and we were at a lake and I was running around and pretending to be an Indian, kind of. I remember squatting down near the lake by some rocks and doing my best to not think and simply take the environment in. It was fun. And I forgot all about that for about thirty years.
I was with PT and we were in her kitchen and she told me that she had seen a little blue ball or orb in a hotel room with her. She said that she had heard her son’s voice, his voice from childhood say “Mama” and felt something pull on her leg, by her waist. When she looked she saw a small blue orb that she described in some way. I think she mentioned eyes in the orb or some kind of design.
Her description sent energy moving through me and it resonated with a piece of my personal history I hadn’t gone back and reassessed. What she described reminded me of artwork by Alex Grey. He’s described as a visionary artist and I learned about him in 2001. I looked up some pictures on my phone and showed her. She confirmed yes, what she saw resembled this art. I’d come to believe that what she saw, if she did see something at all, was a version of the symbol of the seed of life. A small blue orb with an intricate pattern on it.
After this revelation in her home my mind was wide opened. I was awe and dumb struck. At the time I had no reason to doubt anything she was sharing. I felt my mind being open and could feel things happening with my brain. I said something along the lines of always wanting to believe in something but being too doubtful or afraid. PT took on the role of comforter here. I was possibly crying a little, my eyes were for sure wet, and PT told me something along the lines of feeling my mother’s presence with us now and that my mother was here to say sorry to me. I had no clue what my mom could be sorry about, and asked a question relating to that. PT told me that my mom was sorry that she was unable to be there for me. And that was a lot, good and bad. I had never consciously thought something like that before, but I had certainly felt that way, meaning I possibly unconsciously thought that before or just didn’t remember thinking it.
While I remained in this open and receptive state she also told me that God and Jesus were real. I remember thinking at the time, “Oh my God, why are you telling me this?” She maybe did not understand or perceive just how opened up I was. Looking back I do believe if she was familiar with more religions she would have used them as examples of “great things” being real.
In this little visit an awful lot had happened. I got information about her seeing a blue orb that connected to spiritual visionary artwork I had been a fan of and then my mom’s spirit was with us and then whatever I believed about God and Jesus became “real.” Wow. What an impactful afternoon.
During one of the conversations I had with PT, while we were talking about divinity or spirituality she said something along the lines of “You may end up thinking I’m some divine thing,” and what I thought, but did not say, was along the lines of I wouldn’t think that just you are some divine thing, we would all be some divine thing. And it’s interesting that that turned out to be true for me, as that is where my beliefs were at when I was 17. If divinity was real, it was in everything.
I had opened up my mind to be willing to accept what I previously rejected or thought would be “too good to be true.” It was just hours after this when I accidentally connected to my Higher-Self, not being smart enough to see that was the path I was on for a decent amount of time now.
Hopefully this will be beneficial to someone other than myself. I’d like if things turned on in the chests of more people and then there’d be a big shift in world dynamics. We’d collectively have a common goal to shoot for. Something along those lines is the point of this life, this world, this Earth, this existence. It certainly is not about running yourself ragged in a circle, working yourself to the brink of misery and eventually death. That is how things go but it does not have to be that way. There is at the very least one other.