(no subject)
I don't know what the deal is, I thought my medicine is supposed to be done. Maybe its the music, maybe its the day, its defenitley partly my medicine, but right now i feel so lonely and upset. I should be doing homework, but its like it doesn't even mean shit to me anymore, this feeling fucking scares me, its needs to mean something to me but it doesn't, peoples feelings have started to become the same way, its like i just don't give a shit anymore, can someone tell me wtf this is because i'm scared that my medicine did fuck me up. Maybe thats y i can't even get a good relationship because, I can't care enough about it, i still haven't called someone that i should have, and i do like her its just i don't know, fear of rejection or i won't be able to talk on the phone long or well enough or whatever. I'm lonely but i'm too much of a pussy to do anything about it. Friends are awesome but who knows how long any of thats gonna last. Ryan ditched me and we were best friends, we were so tight, but now we can barely even keep a conversation going now. I know my parents love me but its not enough, God loving me should be enough but i've strayed so far from the path, I drink, i smoke, I'm such a fuckning hypocrit, ihate the way I am, I want to stop living this way, and i just do this shit not to be cool or anything just to make me feel good about myself. I really hope God doesn't hate me hes the only thing thats kept me out of seroius problems. Wow i'm such a whiner, so many other people have it so much worst, and i have to fuckning whine about being lonely. Have you ever felt like no matter what you did life was just something that you were living just to live? Like every night you go to sleep expecting another shitty day the next. I know this sounds gay but things were so much better in highschool, its like my life is justt not fun anymore. Too much fucking pressure from parents to succed in school, get a real job, I don't want to fucking succed, i want to live, whether that means living in a dumpster or not I don't care, I just want to leave someone take me away with them. Any ways happy valentines day all and a merry christmas. Oh yeah and fuck the police....