hm...

[releaseme212]

Well this weekend was interesting. Friday I went to hang out with Jarred and some of our friends. We just went the mall, got something to eat there, and walked around doing nothing. Afterwards, Jarred and I went to Blockbuster to pick out a movie (we rented Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2). We just met up with the others at my house. Everyone basically left around 11:30ish. The next morning, my mom calls me from work. She seemed a little disappointed in me. Well, she was concerned about my grades (lowest grade was an 87 which was in Eng. Skills). She went on saying that I've been slacking off (which I haven't been) and there's no way I'm getting into Lehigh University (some way to bring my confidence down and as well as my motivation to do well in school). Then she goes on that I have no friends. Also, she wants me to hang out with my friends that are girls more often, and hang out with less guys. Alright, I know that most of my friends are guys, it's just I trust them and they're true friends. I can talk to them about anything and they'll listen and respect what I say and respect my opinions. They like me for who I am and include me. Most of my friends that are girls, however, are gossipy and they include me in the "circle". They just kinda leave me out and I feel alone. I try to talk to them and start a conversation, but it doesn't work. They continue talking to each other and tell each other secrets and gossip. But my mom still wants me to be with them... I enjoy my friends that I usually hang out with. Yes, I do like my friends that are girls (you know who you are) and they'll always be my friends, no matter what. I guess as time goes on and people grow, sometimes we begin to go separate ways and it's difficult to maintain those relationships. Then she goes on about my love. Oh did that pissed me off. So what if he's not perfect, so what if he doesn't play a sport for school, so what if he doesn't attend a full day of school (he gets out early to go to work). I still love him. He's the greatest. He brought me happiness. Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore. I started crying my eyes out (I'm very sensitive) and I... kinda hung up on my mom (big mistake). She calls back, oh was she mad. Then she hung up. I was doing my homework on the computer (I had to finish an essay for english). Later, my mom comes home to talk to me. Nothing was peaceful. It was just yelling and tears. After she left, Jarred calls me. I tried to wipe away my tears and I tried to sound like I wasn't upset, didn't work. Fortunately, he made me laugh and I was happy again. At around 1pm, he came by and picked me up. We hung out for a bit with Doe, his sister (Jade), Joe, and Spencer (we just went to get something to eat, Toms River Music, and attempted to go bowling and laser tag but both times failed). Then Doe, Jarred, and I went to pick Nick up, then headed over to Joe's house. My mom called me around 6:30 to wonder where I was. She was, once again, pissed off at me. Of course I feel depressed on Jarred and my one month anniversary. Ugh... As I walked in, my mom said nothing to me. She just ignored me. So I went up to my room and tried to finish my math homework. She comes in, takes my cell phone away from me and says "you can't go drive with kids until otherwise". Errrr... What a way to ruin my whole weekend and probably the next weekend. So I just took a shower, hoping that'll calm me down. Then I wrote my mom a 2 page apology letter (written on both sides). This morning my mom woke me up at 5:10am (I had to go to a volleyball tournament in Deptford). On the way there, my mom and I talked. Thank god it was peaceful. I really hope things will get better. I just want to be happy. That's all I ask for. Whenever I finally grasp onto happiness, it always turns against me. I always get hurt and end up crying. So I guess there's really no point to be happy... Anyway, we got 3rd place and I'm extremely sore right now. I like can't walk very well. My muscles are killing me. And tomorrow I have track practice (and it's gonna be more intense then usual). I really don't wanna go. I don't wanna hurt myself.

If anyone wants to give me advice of what I should do about the whole situation between me and my mom, tell me please. Like, what should I do? Should I listen to her? Should I listen to myself? I don't know what to do. I try to make my mom happy and make her pleased, but sometimes it doesn't work... Alright, I'm extremely tired. Laters. Peace out.

<3 Dana