(no subject)
I suppose the easiest way to answer is to look at my life before all of this and then think about all the things I've had since I've been on this.. adventure. I liked my life before, I did. I'd been through alot, but things were finally starting to slow down.
I hadn't had an attempt on my life in several weeks actually. Things with Josh were going well, I spent most nights when I didn't want to be alone with him. The three of us, with Nat of course, were inseperable.
I was beginning to have a life, and move on. I hadn't moved in weeks either, and no one had broken in. No one was shot, or hurt and there were no more lies between us. Except for the biggest one of all.
I'm not sure what would have happened if this communicator hadn't found me. Josh and I would still never admit our feelings for each other. That had been too hard, and most of the time, when I had finally admitted something to someone, they disappeared.
The Doctor.. Harry.. Josh would have been next.
And I certainly wasn't going to tell Nat, and that wasn't because I was ashamed. To be honest, even though we've moved past what happened with Harris, in some ways I can't get over it myself. But we were happy, and I was finally moving on with my life.
Who knows, I could have had something with both of them. Finally had a real family that was even closer then the one I already had.
Could I go back to that, forgetting everything I had here? I could I suppose, especially if I didn't remember the bliss of what I had.
People died, and were dying all the time around us. Injured and it was worse then everytime the Crimson Chapter came after us, but ... even with all of that. I had told myself I was over that part of my life, and I had grown out of it.
And that part, well it doesn't matter.
I had told Josh I was in love with him, and he was happy and it was better then it was. I was finally with Nat, able to kiss her and touch her and make love to her. I was able to be with the both of them. Can I forget that? I can't.
And of course, I had Harry back. For so many years I had put him off, and told him that things weren't right between us. We got back into old habits everytime we had seen each other but I never thought he'd up and disappear on me. Everytime he'd look at me and I knew how much he was in love with me. How much I was in love with him but just like before.. I didn't want commitment because why would I have commitment if he was always going to be there?
And then Harry disappeared, and I.. I was glad I didn't know Josh and Nat back then. They wouldn't have liked me very much. I'm not sure how long I was in denial that he was coming back, but eventually it all cracked and I realized I was never going to see him again. That didn't stop me from coming back. If he had come back before this.. whole thing.. I would've done anything he wanted to make him stay.
And now that he's here in my life, and we're together, I don't know if I can let him go. How can I? I've slept by his side every night, I've touched every inch of his skin and I've heard the most intimate things come from his mouth and they want me to forget that. But he'll be gone no matter if I remember or if I forget, and I won't know if he's alive or safe or if I'll ever see him again.
Then there's my Doctor. It's so odd, because I've spent my whole life waiting for him to come back. And he had come back of course, but by accident. And when I ran into the Tenth Doctor that time at school, even if he looked younger and he had Rose with him, my heart ached to have him back. I wanted to say yes so badly and just get up and go. But I couldn't. I couldn't leave Josh and Nat, and I wouldn't want to.
Then he showed up, with the hair and the scarf and the hat. And he looked at me, and he told me that I couldn't ever be out of his life. I never expected him to think that way, that I wasn't allowed to do something. I wasn't allowed to forget him because he didn't want me to. And yet this is so different.
I knew he had known how I felt, it was the words between us I still never said. Had I ever told anyone I loved them? Probably not. I was such an idiot. I've felt his lips, and I've put my ear against his chest and listened to both of his heart beats and I've never felt more loved in my life.
Things that I have been waiting to say and to do and feel for the past fourty years of my life, and I've finally gotten to do them. To hear him say how much he loves me, or that grin he gets on his face when he knows I'm going to do something naughty.
The whole world has been falling apart around my head and I've never felt more alive and better in my whole life. I'm surrounded completely and utterly by love.
I might go away from this to my life and have things return to normal and I might never get to feel or experience this sort of thing ever again and my heart will break and I'll never be able to feel completely whole like I do now.
But I'll remember, and those memories will fill the holes and maybe one day I'll be with everyone again.