"My teen angst bullshit has a body count."
This poor kid sitting across from me at FSM has no idea that he has decided to share a table with Stressed Ridiculous Emo Girl Extraordinaire (TM). (Poor kid also has to deal with me lip-syncing to "Adult Books" by X. Let's just hope he can't read lips or he would be super grossed-out).
I am bored crazy. Bored silly. I am also sick of my own early 20s angst bullshit. Also the Catch-22 of "Avoid social situations because I feel I suck at them, but don't get better because I avoid." Not so good at the carpe diem thing because if you seize it wrong you face some mighty unpleasant consequences. I accept that just because you pretend you don't want something doesn't mean it'll hurt less when you don't get it, but trying and failing...well, failing is damned un-fun. And I'm not for today doing well at convincing myself i won't fail. That whole "failure is not an option" thing doesn't really apply to human interaction. In the words of Ryan Adams, "Hipsters don't like me because I don't have any game." But I suppose people can smell self-consciousness like they smell desperation. So back to the old, old question of projecting something other than very intense self-consciousness. and the lingering feeling that in the words of Milan Kundera, "Life is elsewhere."
I have also wanted to puke all day because of something I read for my thesis this morning. I'm a bit of a morbid weirdo, who has spent a lot of time reading things I don't talk to people about because they don't want to know. Not that I'm no longer grossed out, but I've gradually built up the ability to handle reading about rape and torture and seeing photos of mass graves, and had been doing pretty well at this academic detachment thing. And what got me this morning was nothing quite like that, but just this:
After the Srebrenica massacre, General Mladic gave a speech to Serb forces in Srebrenica in which he declared "I present Srebrenica as a gift to the people of Serbia."
I still want to puke.
EDIT: On the other hand, I really love my Presidency professor, who just emailed me a ton of links and a couple of book suggestions for looking into gender differences in campaign contributions, since I asked her about it in office hours. I wish I had an excuse to write a paper on it.
I am bored crazy. Bored silly. I am also sick of my own early 20s angst bullshit. Also the Catch-22 of "Avoid social situations because I feel I suck at them, but don't get better because I avoid." Not so good at the carpe diem thing because if you seize it wrong you face some mighty unpleasant consequences. I accept that just because you pretend you don't want something doesn't mean it'll hurt less when you don't get it, but trying and failing...well, failing is damned un-fun. And I'm not for today doing well at convincing myself i won't fail. That whole "failure is not an option" thing doesn't really apply to human interaction. In the words of Ryan Adams, "Hipsters don't like me because I don't have any game." But I suppose people can smell self-consciousness like they smell desperation. So back to the old, old question of projecting something other than very intense self-consciousness. and the lingering feeling that in the words of Milan Kundera, "Life is elsewhere."
I have also wanted to puke all day because of something I read for my thesis this morning. I'm a bit of a morbid weirdo, who has spent a lot of time reading things I don't talk to people about because they don't want to know. Not that I'm no longer grossed out, but I've gradually built up the ability to handle reading about rape and torture and seeing photos of mass graves, and had been doing pretty well at this academic detachment thing. And what got me this morning was nothing quite like that, but just this:
After the Srebrenica massacre, General Mladic gave a speech to Serb forces in Srebrenica in which he declared "I present Srebrenica as a gift to the people of Serbia."
I still want to puke.
EDIT: On the other hand, I really love my Presidency professor, who just emailed me a ton of links and a couple of book suggestions for looking into gender differences in campaign contributions, since I asked her about it in office hours. I wish I had an excuse to write a paper on it.