Post mortem of ME Pt 1
whatamidoingwhatamidoingwhatamibloodydoingwhatwhatwhatohfuck.
I wonder if there's an expiry date on God's grace, if i could redeem myself like one day before my hanging,when I'm really really sorry.
I miss loving myself. I miss loving my life. I miss my spirit. I miss having a spirit. I miss looking out of my window and allowing my senses to come alive. I miss loving the fact that I am able to enjoy and cherish every work of beauty out there, more than anyone I know. I miss being able to maintain my fascination. I miss going to bed smiling bordering on euphoria that I'd never trade being me and living as me for anything or anyone in the world. I miss waking up and saying " MMMff" and just being grateful content and so alive. I miss wanting to make the people around me happy because I too am happy. I miss reading everyword of the bible with relish and hunger. I miss wishing that I had more hours to a day so I could talk to God morning, noon and night, several hours to each moment. I miss having that certainty. I miss what's right. I miss people who stimulate me in talk and walk. I miss my past.
I went to bed wondering what I would do if I could, say..relive my life so I wouldn't be in this state of self-condemnation or self-loathe. There were things beyond my control which just happened so scrape those.
There were things which were in my control and I screwed up.
So I started analysing...what went wrong...where..
High school ended in perfection. I maxed myself out academically and socially.
I am confident that I can account for every second responsibly. Despite sensing a time bomb ticking away inside of me. Threatening to break through the happy-go-lucky ...easygoing cool facade I maintained.
Its from here that I feel rather dubious as to what would have been right, and what should have been. To have continued my scholarship rather than give it up? More damage than good has come out of what I did, especially to my never-give-up principle...I started doubting myself.. which broke my spirit. But then how can I be sure that if I hadn't fall apart the way I did, I still could have experience the change God wrought in me in 2001? How the hell do I know what is meant to be and what isnt?
Bringing it down to level ground and keeping things real, I should have raced life through at varsity level so I could have graduated in 2002.THAT would be a very RIGHT thing to do, and I'll probably please the bejesus out of my fellow traditionalists. But could I have done that being an emotional time bomb waiting to explode? I'll really never know. When you bury yourself in work...you're really postponing inner therapy rite?
The question is left hanging.
Then 1st and 2nd year of law school..I think..things went the best they could have. Sure, I could've worked harder, aced those stuff..get tuition fees off but...I enjoyed what I did in place of work. So.
3rd year..was a blessing in my life.
Post grad ...emotional turmoil. Loose cannon. Living each day like it was the last. Played hard, worked none. For the first time in my life understood failure and what it does to me.
I am seeing that its always a battle between my desires and my ideals. They are mutually exclusive.