it's not always going to be this grey.
harry/louis, college!au, 3181 words.
(warnings: references to violence and racism)
ciao, sono la fic per il Christmas Exchange @ #thegays, con il prompt: we're two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl.
ehm. sì ok scusate torno seria. no STRANAMENTE non mi piace (l'avreste mai detto? No ma infatti non c'è da stupirsi), è stato un dramma perché il prompt era bellissimo ma non avevo una mezza idea, cioè: ammetto che qualche idea ce l'avevo, ma odio scrivere canon e il prompt si adattava benissimo con la situazione attuale, ma sarà che è una situazione "strana" e non mi piace scrivere di Eleanor di bionde cantanti di cui non farò il nome, perciò. Alla fine è uscita fuori questa cose qui. Ci sono un po' di riferimenti a cose che mi piacciono, vedi: i Pink Floyd (e non perché fosse il prompt, comunque, ma spero abbiate sentito tutto Wish you were here e soprattutto Shine on you crazy diamond, perché sì) e George Harrison (la frase "all things must pass" che ho scritto ad un certo punto è il titolo di un suo disco e anche una canzone dal disco da cui ho preso anche il titolo) (dire che mi piace è riduttivo.)
comunque: perdonami Sara! <3
"Midsummer Night's Dream is probably the most famous Shakespearean play among the non-dramatic ones, in fact -"
going to class wasn't the smartest idea Harry had that day. He thought that focusing on Shakespeare would have taken that image away from his mind, but it is repeating in loop through his thoughts as the professor explains enthusiastically why he loves Midsummer Night's Dream so much.
Last thing Harry wants to hear about today is love and love at first sight and anything remotely related to love and frankly he has read and seen the play enough times already to reckon he can leave class without missing any significant information.
As he stands up and walks to the door he feels some pairs of eyes on him, but he doesn't care about being judged by annoying classmates who actually listen to Abba and pretend to be taken seriously. This reminds him of the fight he had months earlier with a girl who claimed Abba to be the music phenomenon of the decade, and when Harry had mentioned Pink Floyd she said they were only able to produce noises with their instruments, and most of their songs were mostly music and no lyrics, what was the point of listening to it.
He smiles at the thought, until Harry remembers Louis had taken his side saying how anyway if they had to have any discussion about it, it would have been between Floyd and Zeppelin, Abba would have been forgotten in a couple of years anyway - he wishes that almost all of his Uni memories weren't connected with Louis.
Louis, the person who promised him a week earlier that things would have turned out just fine, it was only a week earlier, and now -
He was substituted with a robot, one of those Harry has read about in Asimov's books. Robots with human resemblances, because the aliens had taken Louis to make experiments on him, too bad the robot version is a bit, let's say, defective (maybe his mom was right when he told him he read too much science fiction).
The real Louis with his smile and the way he would face things and his reassurances before the exams and the times he had knocked at his room in the middle of the night for who knows what ridiculous revelation he had to tell Harry at the moment, the real Louis who must have forgotten all of this someway in the middle of the week.
When Harry reaches his dorm room he wonders if maybe he has just had a realistic nightmare last night and he will find Louis in his kitchen because he has a spare key and he often goes - went there instead of his own room just to have a tea. But there's no one there, not even his roommate Liam, who's still attending his economic class even though he has told Harry one hundred times that he wants to drop out and try history instead.
He regrets leaving his English Lit class earlier, because the empty apartment makes him even sadder and he can't go talk to Zayn because he could meet Louis there and is the last thing he needs right now. So Harry goes to his room and decides to try to take a nap instead, but all he really does is staring at the white ceiling, lying on his bed, eyes unable to close.
There is still that moment running through his mind, his hand linked with hers, their fingers entwined, and her smile, and Louis not even finding the courage to look at Harry. He didn't even know Louis spoke to her, for starters. He has seen her around campus for sure from time to time, but he doesn't even know what's her name, did Louis know a week earlier? But at the end, does it really matter? He's the one lying alone on his bed now.
Liam comes back when the sun outside is setting down and Harry decides to stand up and have a tea with him.
His roommate greets him, says, I've seen them, looking pitifully at Harry, and he decides to ignore the hint to talk about it completely changing the subject, asking Liam how his classes went and if he's still so sure about leaving economics. But Liam doesn't let go of it, after answering Harry's questions, he asks him if he's doing fine - Harry decides there's no reason to lie to him, so he shakes his head, afraid that saying even a single word could make him burst into tears. He has been keeping all his feelings inside of him, pretending to be strong, avoiding any human contact for hours, so when Liam hugs him thigh, he feels he can't take it anymore.
Sleeping isn't an option that night, and as Harry rolls through the blankets flashes of better times haunt his mind, not giving him any rest.
The first time Louis talked to him in the cafeteria one morning, asking hm if he knew where to find good coffee and the time he asked him out to try that good coffee out of campus, and the time Louis has showed on his door and told him he couldn't stay at his place 'cause his roommate brought someone over and they ended up doing the same thing Zayn was probably doing with his conquest that night, all of the other times it casually happened, and the infinite times they wouldn't talk about it and let it happen anyway, all of the times they would discuss it and end in tears and all the times Louis would reassure him it would have been just fine (last time, only a week earlier.)
It is not fine when Harry has an early class next morning and he has probably slept only an hour in total, dreaming of Zayn telling him that Louis was getting married to a certain Lisa (he decides that's the girl's name), and that he wasn't invited.
He stumbles in Louis around the corridors later, he doesn't even say hi -
he doesn't even say hi that night when he shows up that night, he doesn't say anything, and Harry lets him in anyway, he always lets him in, he lets him in his bed, no matter what, even though Louis hasn't given him any explanation, why the girl, why ignoring him all of a sudden why -
Maybe because Harry knows, anyway. Louis hasn't left his room for weeks, waiting for the bruises to heal, he didn't even want to see a doctor, said he was afraid.
But Louis told him things would have turned fine, and Harry believed him.
Harry believed him but when the next morning he wakes up alone, again, he realizes those were just words and Louis will walk hand in hand with that girl, again, that day, and the day after.
Liam tries to ignore those knocking in the middle of the night, the noises, tries to ignore Harry's faces in the morning. But he probably speaks to Zayn about it, anyway, because when that Saturday they go out he asks Harry with a worried face if everything's fine, if he does know about Louis' girlfriend, if he wants to talk. But he doesn't want to talk, that's the thing. Not with them, anyway. The only person he wants to talk with is the only one who doesn't.
He sneaks in his bed every night, okay, but he doesn't talk. He lets Harry in, and he used to do that in every way possible - now it's nothing more than sexual. Louis kisses him on his forehead and leaves, not even pretending to smile, not even pretending to care anymore.
Harry knew that day things were going to change. He knew, but deep down he hoped it would have been a matter of time and things would have heal -
all things must pass, but maybe the thing that must pass wasn't Louis' pain, but their relationship, leaving him with a huge hole in his heart.
He used to stay. He used to stay in his bed and tell him the most stupid stories about his classmates, about his professors and whatever his mom had told him over his phone about his sisters, he has told him so many times he wished he could have taken him back home one day, he wanted to let him know his family.
And then that night. The phone rang, Zayn's worried voice, said, you must come over, and Harry hasn't moved for days from their place, hasn't left Louis' side, has kissed every inch of his body, hoping for him to heal faster (and maybe he did, on the outside).
It becomes more desperate from time to time, Harry tries to hold him longer than he can, knowing that those moments are the only ones they're going to share now, knowing that Louis will leave as soon as it's over.
Liam tries to talk, tries to tell Harry to ignore the knocking, to sleep and let him go for good. Liam is wise but Liam has never been in love. But Harry lets Liam hug him and thank him for worrying all the time for him.
Liam brought the medications, Liam helped a lot those days. Louis would thank him, would thank Zayn for the help but he could barely look him in the eyes. He started at a point for hours the first day, and Harry had felt bad because he should've been with him. He should've been hit too, with him.
Harry goes through his record collection: maybe Abba would help right now, because being mindless sometimes is the only antidote to sadness.
English Lit classes don't help. Going through Romeo and Juliet makes Harry think that maybe if their love had lasted for only a week, it would have been perfect and epic as theirs, and maybe that's the key, but then he reminds that if had only lasted for a week, he wouldn't have some great memories - when he and Louis sang all of Abbey Road at full volume while Liam was trying to study and complained any five minutes, his birthday with the most horrible cake ever, but Louis said he couldn't cook and that was his first experiment, and.
It's stupid, really, because they had their bad times, but right now, all he remembers are the worthy moments.
They fought a lot, about being open about themselves, that it wasn't fair to Zayn and Liam and all of their friends who knew who had to keep the secret, to them. To their families.
And then it happened and Harry wasn't sure he wanted to tell the world. Louis couldn't talk about anything, let alone what they did to him, why. But Harry knew from the beginning that it wasn't because they wanted to rob him.
Louis didn't speak back then and doesn't speak now. He acts like they're stranger now, during daytime. He ignores Harry, he doesn't go out with them anymore on Saturday, Zayn says he doesn't leave his room all evening - and when he does, well, they all know where he goes.
He still walks hand in hand with the girl, a month later. Never leaves her side when they're around campus, in the cafeteria, at classes.
Harry sees them kissing for the first time that day. He doesn't let Louis kiss him that night.
You don't kiss me after you did the same with her, Harry says, and that's the first words he says to him after a whole fucking month, and Louis looks shocked.
He stays that night, and Harry lets him hug him, lets him sob on his chest.
(That afternoon he was sure he was going to tell him to stop it, that he didn't want to share him with her, that he didn't want this, fuck, he wanted all of it or nothing, but he couldn't let go).
It took a while for Louis to finally tell Harry what happened - not that he didn't know, anyway. Those three bastards had called him a faggot and beat him, leaving him there, and somehow he managed to get back to his room and then Zayn had called Harry and Louis finally managed to tell Harry the truth - that he was scared. That he said they were stronger together but maybe Harry is the strong one, that he's not sure he could take it anymore. That they could've beat him to death if they wanted to. He was afraid to leave his room for weeks. He only saw Harry, Zayn and Liam those days.
Those kids of the 60s, they said they made a revolution, they said they changed things, they said they fought for everyone's rights.
But not even ten years later that things have gone back to how they were or, maybe, they never changed for real.
“I know you feel bad for what happened but you can't let him destroy you,” Liam tries to bring up the subject, one evening as he sips his tea. “I know you don't like to talk about it, Harry, but let's face it, things are going always the same way and they're not going to change anytime soon, so, just -”
Just what? Fell in love with you? With Zayn? Fake a relationship with a random blonde girl? There are plenty of them in his Spanish class who would die to go out with him. Harry shrugs and Harry wishes it'd be so easy as Liam makes it look like with his words.
It seems easier when Harry thinks about it and Louis is not there. When he doesn't see him for hours and he forgets for a while how he is when he's around him and how he forgets how to think when Louis is on the other side of the door at night.
He still doesn't speak much, he sings sometimes. He hums a few tunes before leaving now, before leaving a kiss on Harry's forehead, again and again and again.
It was a week before this madness all started. Louis seemed to feel better, to had finally found the strength to go back to his normal life, not to be afraid of people. He didn't look radiant, okay, but he looked fine, and it seemed enough for Harry after all he has been through. And Louis said it would have turned out all right, he knew it. Louis knew it. Maybe they couldn't tell the word but it was time to tell his mom, to be true at least to her. Louis smiled and kissed Harry and drank his tea in his kitchen and the sun was shining outside, Harry could barely keep his eyes opened as he faced the window. Louis said his eyes shone brighter with the sun and he took his camera and took a photo of him with his cup of tea in his hand and a big smile on his face and Harry wants to ask him now where that photo is because he wants to look at it and remind how it feels like to be truly happy.
One night Liam opens the door before Harry does. He cracks his bedroom's door open and listens to what his friend tell Louis - he says to go away, to stop doing this, have you seen how Harry is? You are slowly killing him. Louis doesn't say anything, and Harry can't see his face from there, but he knows that he leaves because Liam comes back to bed and there's no one behind him.
Harry didn't know Liam could stand up for him this way and he feels flattered in a way, but when he can't sleep that night he's not sure what he has done is really helping him. He wants to feel his body pressed to Louis's. He wants his goodnight kiss.
He wants what they had before, actually. He wants to remember how Louis' face looked like when he smiled. He wants to make stupid jokes with him and tell him that he could write poems about his ass. He wants.
When he goes to the record store to buy the new Pink Floyd's record. Ironically, its title is Wish you Were Here. He must have written it and suggested it to the group in a dream or something - he listens to the record no-stop for the whole evening and Liam begs him to stop before he commits suicide himself.
“Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful, Haz, but.”
Maybe he should have bought Abba instead.
On Monday he notices the girl goes around campus alone, no Louis by his side. Some days later during Spanish, Zayn begs him to come over and convince Louis to go out because he has barely seen him outside his room, except when he goes to the kitchen to eat something.
“I thought Liam was right, that it was better to keep you apart, but I'm not so sure about it now.”
Harry says he will think about it.
He goes at Zayn and Louis's three days later, when he still has some trouble sleeping and Wish you were here is the only record playing in his room.
Louis is writing something when he comes in his room. Nothing has changed since the last time he went there, only this time Louis won't really throw his arms around Harry's neck to kiss him, he mutters a “Hi”, and that is all.
“I brought you something,” Harry says. He leaves his already consumed copy of his newest Pink Floyd's vinyl with a note tucked inside the sleeve, and leaves right after.
He wrote on it: I know you like Zeppelin better, but I've listened to it a lot the past few days. I am terrible with words but that's all I needed you to know - I wish you were here.
Someone knocks the next afternoon, Harry opens the door and when he finds Louis in front of him he thinks he must have finally find the way to sleep because it can't be him, not during daytime.
“I brought you something,” he says. He gives Harry a photograph and Harry reckons is that last picture he took of him that last day.
While Harry is too busy staring at his picture he doesn't realize Louis has left.
He reads what he has scribbled behind it - You shone like the sun. (yes, I listened to the record. Love it.)
Louis starts going out again with them that Saturday.And Harry remembers how his smile looks like and he recalls what made him love him the first time.
He thinks that maybe he will never shine as he did that day, but he knows things will get better eventually. It's his turn now to promise things will turn out just fine. It's his turn to be strong for the two of them. And Louis will remember how to shine too.