(no subject)
OK so i feel like shit once again i know it been a long time for me writing but well a lot has gone on i was pregnant and didn't tell my family and most of my friends. i was so scared of being a mother i was afraid that she would hate me (she always beat the shit out of my insides and i could never keep anything down)and i never told anyone i didn't tell Jason i was afraid because he was so happy he was going to be the father of our child. my daughter was born 3 days early because i stressed myself out too much over an argument i got into with my brother(not his fault at all) about me not telling him and how he had to find out by Alexis telling him, but anyways Emilia Rose Shands was born March 26, 2007 at 9:47 A.M. she was 5 lbs and 15 oz and was 20 in long. i love her with all of my heart and i could never ask for anything so perfect and gorgeous. from the moment the doctor put her on my chest i fell in love with her but yet why am i getting depressed for no reason? why do i feel like I'm the wost mother ever and the wost girlfriend ever.(by the way Jason now lives with me at my house)i don't get much sleep anymore for 2 reasons (the baby and because being depressed)i tried to tell Jason and he just said "why? you shouldn't, you have me and Emilia ." they make me so happy but i just don;t know. i guess i just feel like a screw up and that i can't do anything right. i want so much for everything to be prefect, but i don't know how to make it that way, i don;t know what to do anymore or how to fix things anymore. sometimes i want to sit in a dark room and cry till i just can't cry anymore and i know i have people to talk to about this but its just so hard to just come out and say that i need to talk or that i need help or anything of that that concerns me and my feelings.