LJ Idol: Week 1: Here There Be Dragons
I've lost count of how many days, how many nights have been spent with someone. A friend, a partner... whoever--at the very least someone who was somewhat interested in two things: that I hurt and making that hurt go away if they could.
Still... it's never been easy for them. I don't see how it could be. They've been getting burned by all the pain, the hurt.
Used to be that the biggest reason for that was... well, being stuck in my mother's house meant I couldn't get away and as much as I would have loved to get the hell out of there, I simply did not have the financial resources to move out. Also had nowhere to move to, or anyone to move in with, but the financial ability to move was the real killer there.
So of course, staying there meant it never ended... so I naturally would vent and they tried to help; they didn't like it anymore than I did. But there's only so much help a friend can give when their only connnection is through the internet and they're not even in the same country.
Another reason for getting burned, I think is that I was never after solutions and that's what they wanted to give. All I wanted was to be listened to, to know my pain was heard and understood. But they wanted to solve. With benefit of understanding that I didn't have then, I can't fault them for that. But their solutions weren't helping... and I probably lashed out at them because of that.
Now I'm wondering. I've always said the stuff with my mother was never ending, because frankly a day couldn't go by without some sort of crap, but it was just a fact; it meant nothing much to me. But maybe it was that that did the most damage to me... and by extension to the friends that helped.
Of course, there's more crap in my past than just my mother. School... other family stuff... friends...
Apart from instances when the pain overwhelms and someone gets caught in that crossfire... I would hope that the only other time anyone is burned by it is in the process of resolving all this crap. I don't particularly feel like having all this crap ten years from now, so it has to be resolved. It just sucks that resolving it brings out the inevitability of being burned again.
I'm lucky, though. For my partner is more awesome than I could ever explain in words. How many times has she been burned? How much pain has she weathered that was caused by my pain... and yet always come back to take more? She's always with me, always loving me.
If I've gotten anywhere with this... the credit's all hers. Some might say it's me who has to do the work because I have to get past stuff, but I know I wouldn't get anywhere without her.
I wonder... does she wear armour, or does she just wear the pretty dress?