The Tower, the Prince and the Lettuce - Part 3
Title: The Tower, the Prince and the Lettuce
Part: Three
Author: reitassugarlump
Beta: hinoeuma13
Pairing: Ruki & Reita
Rating: g
Genre humor, fairy tale
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Inspired by and loosely based on “Rapunzel” by the Brothers Grimm. I don’t own, nor know any of the men and solely write for the fun of it.
Notes: This is the first one shot of a series I have in mind, which will give some of Grimm’s Fairy tales a new twist. However whether or not I will write any more sequels will depend on your feedback on this story.
Synopsis: When dashing Prince Uruha sets out to find a bride to take home to his kingdom, he gets more than he bargained for. He gets lost in a dense forest, comes upon a tower, hears the most beautiful voice and is determined to get the girl. But before he even starts to scale the wall there is his faithful valet, the enchantress and the hair to deal with…
“So… spill the beans. Who’s this witch we’re talking about?“ Reita walked briskly through the room, grabbed a stool and sat down waiting patiently for an explanation.
“Well I’ve always been with her. She raised me. When I was little she was kind but when I grew up she became … well… possessive. She locked me in here, never lets me out, never allows me to meet people.”
“I see. Why not just climb out? Cut your hair, tie it to the bedpost and leg it!”
“She won’t let me. She’s a powerful sorceress. The hair is enchanted. It can’t be cut by normal means.”
“Oh..so by witch you mean a real ‘black cat and cauldron’-type-of-witch?”
“Of course.”
“Huh… I thought we were talking about ‘nasty piece of work’-type-of-wench…”
“Does that complicate things?”
“Nah! I am sure Prince Uruha will be fine.” He grinned. “So, where does she live?”
“In a cottage, deep within the forest.” He held up a hand, “Before you ask. No, I don’t know the location.”
“Has everybody in this forest hermit-tendencies? What is it with people living all alone in some godforsaken part of the world? We are already lost in this bleeding forest. It may take years before we stumble across her by chance. Or we may never find her.” Reita looked out of the window. The prince wasn’t getting any younger; he had to marry him off as soon as possible. There was no time to go on a witch hunt with little chance of success. He made a decision. “We’ll have to draw her out.”
“You’ve got a plan?”
Reita got up and walked towards Ruki with an enigmatic smile on his lips. “Not so much of a plan, more a tried-and-tested method.”
“So tell me again…” Prince Uruha was sitting at the camp fire, brows furrowed with confusion.
“It is quite simple, my Lord. You’ll await the old crown next time she drops by the tower and will heroically demand the release of your beloved. It will save us from chasing after her. Your plan is very good.”
“My plan…?! It is? It IS! MY plan! Of course, my plans are always very cunning!”
The valet shook his head.
“Reita?”
“Mhm, my Lord?”
“How does one slay the villain? You know I’ve never been quite certain about the details…”
“Well the traditional method is to kill them in a sword fight. Chopping off the head would be favourite but I suppose you can employ a degree of ‘heroic freedom’, my Lord.”
The prince turned slightly pale. He held on to some comforting thoughts. “So how’s my future queen? Is she very eager to meet me? You know, women these days always pretend to be shy and modest while they just try to encourage you.”
“My Lord, the excitement… you must understand. She is quite … overwhelmed.” Reita rolled every word around his tongue, tasting it, before putting together the whole sentence. In fact Ruki was plain ecstatic at the prospect of leaving his lofty confinement.
“Well that was to be expected. I have that effect on females.”
“To be sure, my Lord. Anyway, my Lord. Try to stick to the plan! No freestyle, alright? This is essential. Just repeat what we've been practicing!
Two days and a couple of disregarded teachings later.
“Will you shut up?“
“No!“
“I’ll turn you into a frog.“
“Please, don’t. I have a phobia of reptiles.“
“A frog is an amphibian, my Lord.“
“Quite right. Don’t like those either.“
“Are you aware that I am threatening you, lad?“
“I despise violence. And please address me as fit to my office.“
The witch looked confused. She had some serious doubts about the prince’s intelligence.
“Do you know how many heroes I’ve helped to a new life as pond-dwelling insect-eater? Do you know how many tried to negotiate, threaten, lie, cheat, riddle, battle or frankly wriggle their way out of a confrontation with me? And how many were successful?“
“What’s with the history lesson? Will you come across with the girl?“
There was a grunt of desperation from the sorceress. This was like trying to argue with a tree. “I am too old for this sort of thing.“
“And I am not getting any younger here. Part with the princess and this could all be over by lunchtime.“
“Is he serious?“ She asked the manservant who was standing off to one side trying not to be embarrassed about his master’s total ignorance of all his teachings about politeness negotiation skills and behaviour in the face of imminent amphibian-hood.
“I’m afraid so Ma’am.“ He ground his teeth. “What his Boldness was trying to say, before his good judgement sadly deserted him, was that there must surely be a way to come to an understanding.“ He cleared his throat trying to will the prince to apologize, or at least not make it worse.
“What are you saying? An exchange? A deal? A favour?“
“Lady, if you won’t comply, I see no other way but to…“
“ChrrmChrrm. What was I saying?“ Reita continued flatly, “ah yes. I am sure this evil-witch business must be tiring.“
“You have no idea.“
“…yeah right. Bullying people into handing over their children, cursing people, turning honest heroes into all sorts of things must give you wrinkles.“
“ChrrmChrrm. Ah… er… raising a rebellious child all on your own. With no support…“
“They always disobey me. Do I mean them any harm? All I ask is a little help around the house, but they go off dancing and singing. If I ask them to stay in their room, they go outside attracting people. I can hardly keep up. Not as young as I used to be. They are like a beehive to keep watch over.“
“I hear you, I hear you!“ mumbled Reita.
Half an hour later.
“And then they go gallivanting all over the country, bringing back heroes, princes and smith’s apprentices like something the dog dragged in. And they all end up challenging me. Like I am the bad guy!“ The sorceress sobbed, glad to have found somebody who understood her.
“But you aren’t! You deserve some gratitude!“
“I am sick and tired of it. Noone is ever grateful!“
“Noone ever says ‘thank you’!“ Reita agreed passionately.
Prince Uruha stood gaping. Unsure of how he had been maneuvered out of the conversation.
“Noone appreciates… Maybe I should change professions. There are jobs going as a fairy godmother. They are very popular. Get a wand and everything. Twinkle and stuff.“
Suddenly bristling with energy the old crown patted the valet on the shoulder. “Thanks a lot, lad! It was good talking to you. I’ll quit this business. Everything is better than this constant antagonism. You know what? Take the kid! Bloody ungrateful chap anyway. Cocky attitude. No clue where he got it from.“
“You don’t say.“ Reita cocked an eyebrow in amusement.
“Excuse me…“
The sorceress turned sharply around.
“Was that really necessary? I spent years training him…“
“Just see it as the last act of a retiring wicked witch - or the first act of a fairy godmother.“
“Might aswell. But he wasn’t that bad. Quite easy to get along with once you know how to handle him. Gentle at heart. Well stocked wine cellar.“
“Don’t worry. It’s not permanent. The rules require I give him a chance. And maybe he will learn, one never knows. Consider it an educational leave. He’ll be back to his old self in no time.“
“How long…?“
“Can’t say. I applied a common spellbreaker. Kiss of true love.“
“Oh dear…“
“Well that should be easily accomplished. Reita, I am sure the princess will fall head-over-heels for me once she learns of my sacrifice for her rescue and will be happy to snog me back to human-hood.“
“My Lord, this may be the right moment, or at least as good a moment as any other, to tell you…“
“What’s this, pray?“
“Your intended is in fact a man, my Lord.“
“I could still snog him, if that’s any help? But only once. He’s a bit fishy.“
“No you won’t!
“Who put you in charge of his lips?“
“Do you wish him to kiss you, my Lord? I didn’t know you had that kind of interest…“
“Well no… Of course I don’t. His character is completely unacceptable, if you know what I mean… Then again…“
“Now that was the most disgusting thing I have ever done.“
Ruki’s hair was still tied into a damn long braid by any standard that applies to men but it was considerably shorter than it had been. The sorceress had left. Gone off to be fairy of some denomination. And Reita and Ruki were riding across the country. They had managed to get out of the forest quickly with noone trying to hinder their navigation by galloping off track due to being a small, green webbed-footed Lissamphibian.
“You know… in a weird sort of way, the vocal sac really suits you.“
“Try to stay positive. She could have turned you into a toad. That would have been a serious issue for any matchmaker. Now you look kind of cute. The girls go for that sort of thing.“
“But couldn’t she have made me more pretty? Like gold or something? This greenish sort of moss colour doesn’t suit me.“
“You’re a frog- Of course it suits you, my Lord.“
“Vain until the end.“
“Reita, I think my three dimensional vision is gone.“
“…“
“Are you going to ignore me?“
“…“
“I am the prince!“
“…“
“Reitaaa, I am hungry!“
“Does he always talk so much?“
“Usually.“
“Reita, why is it so dark in here?“ the prince’s voice was muffled as it emerged from the saddlebag.
“It’s also hot and smelly. Is that MY royal snuff box?“
There was a rattling sound.
“Definitely my snuff box.“
“You know, now that he is in no shape to marry, how are you going to uphold your end of our little bargain?“
Ruki flashed him a lopsided grin that bordered on bedroom.
“Oh… okay then.“
“Are you two going to keep pretending I am not here?“
“What about this one?“
“I don’t know.“
“We have to do it somewhere and you can’t keep putting it off.“
“But…“
“Having second thoughts?“
“No… it’s just…“
“Don’t worry. It will be fine. It’s instinctual. There is plenty of room…“
“Really?“
“You can take your time. Do it gently.“
“Okay this is it. Your new domain, my Lord.“
“You’re kidding, right?“
“There is nice bright and sunny spot over there, plenty of flies, and a castle not far from here. Plenty of pretty courtiers and a princesses around and bound to pass by here.“
“The question still stands.“
“Oh cheer up, my Lord. How will you ever find true love if you hang around with us two handsome men? You need to be out here. With no competitors, so you can fully show of your impressive… eh…“
“Didn’t think that through, did you?“
“Your impressiveness.“
“Reita, don’t leave me here. I am not sure of what to do without you. And on top of it all I have more tongue than I can handle.“
“Don’t worry, my Lord. I will be waiting. Once you have your feet back, come and find me and I will be your faithful servant again. As far as your little tongue-problem is concerned: as soon as you have it all sorted out it will be a bestseller. They always love a man who knows how to use his tongue.“
The valet slowly set down his beloved, but slightly shrunk master, in the shallow water and patted him on the head.
„Good luck!“
“So what are you going to do, now that you are a free man?“
“I could ask you the very same thing!”
They smiled.
And they lived happily ever after. Well that is until Prince Uruha returned. But that is another story…
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a/n:
bugger. Something went wrong with the formatting when I pasted it. >_> Now it's a pain to read. Hopefully the next post will be more eye-friendly.
Okay, that's the end of it. I really liked writing it, but there was hardly any feedback so I will discontinue this idea.
Poor Uruha got turned into a frog :)
Will he ever be human again? Couldn't have Mr.-pretty-thighs stay Mr.-frog-legs ....
Please stay tuned for my new FF: A stalker's guide!!!