(no subject)
I was told that I have the potential...but I have questions being asked about me? I can do it...but I cant? I was recommended...but I am not ready yet? I am succeeding...yet I am faling?
Again, I find myself in this rut of not doing the best. I strive to do the best I can...but there is only so much I can do. I dont know what I can do to becomming better when I have no idea what the hell is going on!
I work hard to better myself at work. I know how to make skins, slap skins, make pizzas...everything. Though, I am not fast enough...nor good enough. I try and try...but I cant seem to get it right. What the hell am I doing? Who am I actually trying to please in this...Betsy or me? What the hell am I doing there? What the hell am I trying to prove?
Am I trying to prove that I can do it to myself or to someone else? Am I trying to be in a better postion...to be someone's boss? To I strive to be a leader...when I have never been?
Who the hell am I to demand answer's from Betsy? She gave me the answers I needed to hear...but not the ones I wanted to hear. I am not good enough...not yet. Not yet?! When the hell will I improve enough!? When the hell will I meet everyone else's expectations? I try my best to work on my flaws...only to find I have more to work on.
I am tired of this! I want to reap the rewards of a job well done. I want to be complimented...I want to be congratualated. You know...a pat on the shoulder! Though...my reward comes in the form of more work. I am tired, I am fatigued...I want to stop this.
I am not sutiable to be promoted...thank you Richard for bringing me up to expect high things of myself...only to find that you helped me delude myself in false hope...false confidence. I strived for greatness...I still do...but I only find that I am not doing enough. I understand it is alot of work...but I want it. I want to have the satifaction, for once in my life, that I moved up somewhere by myself without some sort of advantage. I want to earn it myself...fair and square! Yet, I cant do it! All those times I won and succeeded in the past I had help...Cindy got me off those pills long ago...I did not do a damn thing to help myself. Cindy and Dad got me to graduate...I would have been screwed without them. Without my dad...I would be screwed and homeless...I also would not have my truck either. My sister helped me make the great friends I have now that I have had for a long time...I did not make them on my own.
When am I going to do something on my own and have it be such an accomplishment!? When am I going to look in the mirror and see that I am that damn good! I look in it right now and see a little boy...someone who tried to run with the big guys, only to find the he has been dusted many times over...only acheiving over those with no dreams.
Same thing has happened before. The Army refused me...I cant even protect my own country! I cant protect those I love because I was once called Bi-Polar! A dear loved one still thinks I am...when I have strived for the past 5 fucking years telling myself that I am not Bi-polar. I am not bi-polar...I am normal! I am just as good as everyone else...I am neither better or worse than them! I dont need help being the same and being different!
It's sad to see how I hide my constant feelings of defeat...I drink too much Mountain Dew and I distract others with a smile and promises of kindness. I mean...my friends dont need me in the end...they do care about me, they do love me...but they dont need me to survive. So...who am I to get mad at them, unless I wanted them gone. I cant tell them sometimes that I dont like what they do to me sometimes. Even the small things that get to me...I dont tell them. I dont want to come across as a bother. I dont want them to feel like I am a nuisence.
I am sad sometimes...because I need them...more than they need me! I need them...because by having them around...I can feel like maybe I am doing something right and not repelling them away.
Soo, I am an insecure person...surprise anyone?
Again, I find myself in this rut of not doing the best. I strive to do the best I can...but there is only so much I can do. I dont know what I can do to becomming better when I have no idea what the hell is going on!
I work hard to better myself at work. I know how to make skins, slap skins, make pizzas...everything. Though, I am not fast enough...nor good enough. I try and try...but I cant seem to get it right. What the hell am I doing? Who am I actually trying to please in this...Betsy or me? What the hell am I doing there? What the hell am I trying to prove?
Am I trying to prove that I can do it to myself or to someone else? Am I trying to be in a better postion...to be someone's boss? To I strive to be a leader...when I have never been?
Who the hell am I to demand answer's from Betsy? She gave me the answers I needed to hear...but not the ones I wanted to hear. I am not good enough...not yet. Not yet?! When the hell will I improve enough!? When the hell will I meet everyone else's expectations? I try my best to work on my flaws...only to find I have more to work on.
I am tired of this! I want to reap the rewards of a job well done. I want to be complimented...I want to be congratualated. You know...a pat on the shoulder! Though...my reward comes in the form of more work. I am tired, I am fatigued...I want to stop this.
I am not sutiable to be promoted...thank you Richard for bringing me up to expect high things of myself...only to find that you helped me delude myself in false hope...false confidence. I strived for greatness...I still do...but I only find that I am not doing enough. I understand it is alot of work...but I want it. I want to have the satifaction, for once in my life, that I moved up somewhere by myself without some sort of advantage. I want to earn it myself...fair and square! Yet, I cant do it! All those times I won and succeeded in the past I had help...Cindy got me off those pills long ago...I did not do a damn thing to help myself. Cindy and Dad got me to graduate...I would have been screwed without them. Without my dad...I would be screwed and homeless...I also would not have my truck either. My sister helped me make the great friends I have now that I have had for a long time...I did not make them on my own.
When am I going to do something on my own and have it be such an accomplishment!? When am I going to look in the mirror and see that I am that damn good! I look in it right now and see a little boy...someone who tried to run with the big guys, only to find the he has been dusted many times over...only acheiving over those with no dreams.
Same thing has happened before. The Army refused me...I cant even protect my own country! I cant protect those I love because I was once called Bi-Polar! A dear loved one still thinks I am...when I have strived for the past 5 fucking years telling myself that I am not Bi-polar. I am not bi-polar...I am normal! I am just as good as everyone else...I am neither better or worse than them! I dont need help being the same and being different!
It's sad to see how I hide my constant feelings of defeat...I drink too much Mountain Dew and I distract others with a smile and promises of kindness. I mean...my friends dont need me in the end...they do care about me, they do love me...but they dont need me to survive. So...who am I to get mad at them, unless I wanted them gone. I cant tell them sometimes that I dont like what they do to me sometimes. Even the small things that get to me...I dont tell them. I dont want to come across as a bother. I dont want them to feel like I am a nuisence.
I am sad sometimes...because I need them...more than they need me! I need them...because by having them around...I can feel like maybe I am doing something right and not repelling them away.
Soo, I am an insecure person...surprise anyone?