Ranting #1
I have been realizing I have too much regrets in my life. I have always wondered how do I change my way of life and live a life without regrets at all. Everything I do ends me up with this thick lump of regret deep in my heart, its like carved deeply in there.
This morning i woke up with so much excitedness and with so much expectations hoping this day would be the best one I would ever have, just because it would be the first time I would be going to this mall, we call mid valley. I mean the place is amazing and I thought I was sure to enhoy it. I went there with my brothers and my mother. I thought "ahh finally we have some bonding time." I was extremely excited with everything. My brothers who are usually just interested in their lives decided to go out and also to a real huge and amazing mall. The main purpose was that my elder brother wanted to buy a headphone with the money he recieved on his birthday. Everyone except my younger brother was hyped up, since he was awake the whole night watching some american series or youtube on his phone resulting in him sleeping for only 3 hours.
It was fun the whole time while we were walking and the place was really pretty. So we ended up buying my the headphone my brother wanted. and we saw a shop with candies i have always craved for and i told my family. Well the unfortunate part was that i had no money on me since all my money was spent in things i buy for fangirling. I then asked my brother to lend me some money and told him i will pay him back when i do. And he told me that i just tell my mother what i want and she will buy. However what he doesnt understand is that i have issues asking my parents for anything I want. Especially my mother, everything that i want to buy and tell her, she might as well buy it and when i do get it, because of personal reasons which leads my dad to talk about topics my mother thinks of unpleasantly and when she doesnt respond well enough, my father ends up in a bad mood and to avoid that my mother would think up of random topics to talk about with my father in which the topic is mostly about me. Well mostly because I am the only one in the family who is absorbed so much in everything about japan and about 90% if the things i would like to buy has something to do with japan, be it be food or things i want to wear or use, my decision always ends up with whether it is Japanese or not. Its quite a biased opinion, i know but I cant help it. And everytime I am desperate and tells my mom about it, she will tell my dad and my dad being my dad, a casual pakistani, he would be like why does she let me buy useless things/ food that looks horrible ( it was what he said when she sent a picture of takoyaki i bought with yakisoba) and he would ban me from buying it. I mean my mother cant help be a busybody when it comes to me. well so basically my brother doesnt understand that and when i am wandering around i see a pet shop and i went to enter it! Pet shops are amazing I swear and then like i keep getting attracted to each and everyone of them. And well after I came out if the pet shop I was in a bubbly mood but my younger brother misunderstood it to be in a bad mood. He told me, he never slept and he wants to sleep too and he doesnt know why i am in a bad mood and that caused me to actually end up in a bad mood. And so while we were walking my brother stopped at the watch shop and I jokingly said that he doesnt even look at the time and he took it seriously and end up scolding me. And he says he is hungry and want to eat so i tell him to go eat and he thought i was being sarcastic and asked me why i am so moody. Its amazing how my brothers, my own brothers dont know me well enough and well i wasnt kidding when u said he should go eat. if he is hungry he should. I was holding a tantrum cuz i have nothing to do there. I mean its pointless being in a mall when i dont have money. Yet there were so many things i wanted from there. Obviously i didnt want to be in debt. So my brother asked us if we wanted to eat anything and i said i would eat from anywhere he does but my younger brother was like "dont ask her, its pointless. She have too much action. Leave her alone. " and then he said lets go home. That triggered my brother's mood and and ge ended up saying " Ok we go home" then he goes and complain about me so i was like "wow complaining about me" and he says "then i should complain about whoelse." And after that he talks about why he hates coming shopping with me and kept saying things. At that moment when we were in the carpark, i felt like i wanted to get hit buy a car. Unfortunately it didnt happen and we ended up in the car where i put my music to full volume and let out my tears. Right then the rain started and u felt like jumping out of the car and get hit but due ti my stupidity of leaning on the door my mother told my brother to lock it. somehow i kept getting depressing thoughts and well soon after we ended up in Aeon, another mall, here where I live. Well i am here now and well as i am damn stubborn i have decided on that i wouldnt eat and i am not! Well thats it. I seriously feel that i would have been better off dying rather than be here with my family who claims to know everything about me yet know nothing. I am just gna be in this mall with my eyes on my phone. bye bye~