[CRAPFIC] fin
title: Fin
rating: PG-13 for swearing
pairings: Gackt/Hyde
disclaimer: It's fiction. I own the plot, I don't own the characters.
summary: Hyde doesn't know what to do anymore.
notes: Angst, written 29.11.o7
word count: 1,078
Hyde stepped out of the house angrily, tears burning at his eyes. It stung, blurred his vision, cut his normally steady and calm breathing into ragged puffs of air that left his mouth in a thin white cloud, disappearing in the black, cold night sky. His body trembled almost violently under his jacket and the cold seeped through his untied Chucks -- it didn't feel so cold against his skin, but it seemed like a merciless bite at his insides. Salty water rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably.
So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up,
Lost in the raging sea
He closed his eyes. It was her face he saw, haunting him. Her words resounding in his ears still. He called her a wife. A lover. A friend. What use were those words if she didn't care, didn't understand him? She didn't hear his silent plea like another man could. That man, that friend sensed Hyde's distress while she thought he was dramatizing. Because that's what, apparently, all rockstars ever did; turn a little problem into something huge and extremely serious.
So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms
Echoes the pain I feel inside
What was love? Sometimes, he wondered if he'd ever felt it for her. He was naïve, weak and had found a pitiful excuse for love years ago. His back against the wall as he cried helplessly, hands in his pockets, was that all it had ever been? Did she want his name, his money (when she didn't need both, because she already had hers -- publicity, maybe?), or his love? He longed to have someone holding him, protective arms giving in their warmth and strength instead of the night as his only companion.
It was the first time he cried in such a long time. Never had their fights put him in such a pitiful state. They'd barely yelled, this time, but her words were sharp as a knife piercing at his heart, pulling and cutting through him painfully. How could it be him making things dramatic? If she'd thought about it for a minute, one single minute, she would have realized what it all meant to him.
The first sob was stuck in his throat. The second, however, started a chain he couldn't stop. His whole body began shaking twice as much and he bent his head, chest heaving as tears fell down in the thin layer of snow that had fallen down earlier, melting various spots.
He didn't know why he was crying anymore, his whole being was searching for a reason, pushing the one his heart knew far away to the back of his mind. He was stressed, that was probably why. There was L'Arc, and his solo career. There was also his kid who was as much trouble as he'd probably been for his parents, the little devil he couldn't ever stop loving. There was Megumi. He didn't feel any interest in all of those important elements of his life at all at this moment, he was selfish. The friends, the fans, his family, nothing mattered, because he was alone and deep down, he knew it very well.
The ghost ship wanders far
For there's no guiding star
And this treasure has no meaning anymore
Hideto Takarai was on his own, and it was the only thing on his mind. He tried to move the circular, soft jewel on his right ring finger, though it was useless. The Onyx ring wasn't there anymore, because it was laying broken on the kitchen counter. Intentionally broken by his wife, and he knew it. The protection that had been brought by a simple ring was gone.
Tears fell down even harder, his sobs racking through him with even more force at the thought. He was still cold.
He wanted to scream his name. Call out for him and have him be there to soothe him with his voice, hands, and wisdom he'd always been jealous of. He slid down the wall and buried his face in his knees. "It's impossible," he whispered, sucking in his first decent, yet shaky breath since he'd gone out. Many more words wanted to get out and be spoken, but they remained inside of him.
He knew she was probably tucking their son into bed. Not guilty. Completely calm and serene. He gritted his teeth, feeling humiliated. She didn't take him seriously. It was just a simple ring, according to her. No big deal.
"A simple ring!" he protested to himself, though it was all spitefully directed at her. "It means more to me than our fucking wedding ring does!"
To receive protection from someone so important was more of a blessing than all the vows attached to his marriage as a whole.
Maybe it wasn't just the principle of protection. Maybe it was something deeper, much deeper. His tears began to be less frequent, and his pulse was beating harder against his temples like it always did after he cried. Usually, he would've taken a pack of cigarettes and a lighter with him; the smoke he blew out of his system always seemed to conduct some specific elements of his life out of his heart and mind. But this time, he had left them in his room. Not because he'd forgotten, but because his choice had been to leave them inside. His hands were shaking so much no cigarette probably wouldn't have left their little cardboard box, anyway.
Hyde looked up at the moon. For a moment, everything seemed to disappear. He didn't feel sick, there wasn't any wetness on his cheeks and he didn't feel like comitting suicide by hara-kiri anymore. Its white glow would always be faintly illuminating his path until the sun came up. And it would never fade, no matter how long the night was.
He stood back up and wiped the remaining tears away. His hand was on the door handle, cold spreading itself through his fingers. He took a deep breath. The pitiful reasons for his pain he'd elaborated were long forgotten and the real thing his heart was longing for had resurfaced, now a clear picture in his mind.
He opened the door, stepped inside. He discarded his shoes and jacket carelessly no matter how much Megumi hated it and practically floated through the spacious home both of their incomes had permitted. She was in the bed, a book sitting on her lap, and would have looked simply beautiful if he was still looking at her the same way.
"I'm in love with Gackt."
+Notes:
1) I just realized, if you haven't read Jihaku, Gackt's autobiography, the whole Onyx ring principle doesn't seem very important. If anyone needs me to clear it up for them, I'd be glad to.
2) Italics are the lyrics to Hyde's "The Cape of Storms". Not mine in any way.
rating: PG-13 for swearing
pairings: Gackt/Hyde
disclaimer: It's fiction. I own the plot, I don't own the characters.
summary: Hyde doesn't know what to do anymore.
notes: Angst, written 29.11.o7
word count: 1,078
Hyde stepped out of the house angrily, tears burning at his eyes. It stung, blurred his vision, cut his normally steady and calm breathing into ragged puffs of air that left his mouth in a thin white cloud, disappearing in the black, cold night sky. His body trembled almost violently under his jacket and the cold seeped through his untied Chucks -- it didn't feel so cold against his skin, but it seemed like a merciless bite at his insides. Salty water rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably.
So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up,
Lost in the raging sea
He closed his eyes. It was her face he saw, haunting him. Her words resounding in his ears still. He called her a wife. A lover. A friend. What use were those words if she didn't care, didn't understand him? She didn't hear his silent plea like another man could. That man, that friend sensed Hyde's distress while she thought he was dramatizing. Because that's what, apparently, all rockstars ever did; turn a little problem into something huge and extremely serious.
So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms
Echoes the pain I feel inside
What was love? Sometimes, he wondered if he'd ever felt it for her. He was naïve, weak and had found a pitiful excuse for love years ago. His back against the wall as he cried helplessly, hands in his pockets, was that all it had ever been? Did she want his name, his money (when she didn't need both, because she already had hers -- publicity, maybe?), or his love? He longed to have someone holding him, protective arms giving in their warmth and strength instead of the night as his only companion.
It was the first time he cried in such a long time. Never had their fights put him in such a pitiful state. They'd barely yelled, this time, but her words were sharp as a knife piercing at his heart, pulling and cutting through him painfully. How could it be him making things dramatic? If she'd thought about it for a minute, one single minute, she would have realized what it all meant to him.
The first sob was stuck in his throat. The second, however, started a chain he couldn't stop. His whole body began shaking twice as much and he bent his head, chest heaving as tears fell down in the thin layer of snow that had fallen down earlier, melting various spots.
He didn't know why he was crying anymore, his whole being was searching for a reason, pushing the one his heart knew far away to the back of his mind. He was stressed, that was probably why. There was L'Arc, and his solo career. There was also his kid who was as much trouble as he'd probably been for his parents, the little devil he couldn't ever stop loving. There was Megumi. He didn't feel any interest in all of those important elements of his life at all at this moment, he was selfish. The friends, the fans, his family, nothing mattered, because he was alone and deep down, he knew it very well.
The ghost ship wanders far
For there's no guiding star
And this treasure has no meaning anymore
Hideto Takarai was on his own, and it was the only thing on his mind. He tried to move the circular, soft jewel on his right ring finger, though it was useless. The Onyx ring wasn't there anymore, because it was laying broken on the kitchen counter. Intentionally broken by his wife, and he knew it. The protection that had been brought by a simple ring was gone.
Tears fell down even harder, his sobs racking through him with even more force at the thought. He was still cold.
He wanted to scream his name. Call out for him and have him be there to soothe him with his voice, hands, and wisdom he'd always been jealous of. He slid down the wall and buried his face in his knees. "It's impossible," he whispered, sucking in his first decent, yet shaky breath since he'd gone out. Many more words wanted to get out and be spoken, but they remained inside of him.
He knew she was probably tucking their son into bed. Not guilty. Completely calm and serene. He gritted his teeth, feeling humiliated. She didn't take him seriously. It was just a simple ring, according to her. No big deal.
"A simple ring!" he protested to himself, though it was all spitefully directed at her. "It means more to me than our fucking wedding ring does!"
To receive protection from someone so important was more of a blessing than all the vows attached to his marriage as a whole.
Maybe it wasn't just the principle of protection. Maybe it was something deeper, much deeper. His tears began to be less frequent, and his pulse was beating harder against his temples like it always did after he cried. Usually, he would've taken a pack of cigarettes and a lighter with him; the smoke he blew out of his system always seemed to conduct some specific elements of his life out of his heart and mind. But this time, he had left them in his room. Not because he'd forgotten, but because his choice had been to leave them inside. His hands were shaking so much no cigarette probably wouldn't have left their little cardboard box, anyway.
Hyde looked up at the moon. For a moment, everything seemed to disappear. He didn't feel sick, there wasn't any wetness on his cheeks and he didn't feel like comitting suicide by hara-kiri anymore. Its white glow would always be faintly illuminating his path until the sun came up. And it would never fade, no matter how long the night was.
He stood back up and wiped the remaining tears away. His hand was on the door handle, cold spreading itself through his fingers. He took a deep breath. The pitiful reasons for his pain he'd elaborated were long forgotten and the real thing his heart was longing for had resurfaced, now a clear picture in his mind.
He opened the door, stepped inside. He discarded his shoes and jacket carelessly no matter how much Megumi hated it and practically floated through the spacious home both of their incomes had permitted. She was in the bed, a book sitting on her lap, and would have looked simply beautiful if he was still looking at her the same way.
"I'm in love with Gackt."
+Notes:
1) I just realized, if you haven't read Jihaku, Gackt's autobiography, the whole Onyx ring principle doesn't seem very important. If anyone needs me to clear it up for them, I'd be glad to.
2) Italics are the lyrics to Hyde's "The Cape of Storms". Not mine in any way.