(no subject)
Blah, I really hope I don't only post on here to vent. Cassi, the LJ Downer. Tehe. :oP
Oh man, life has been... going. It seems very stereotypical So Cal 20 year old. Concerts, parties, being social with a hint of scholarly activity... and of course, no money. :oP It's fun and has a lot of down time that I think is suppose to be used in recovery from hard drinking. It's not really my thing. For instance, last night I went to this concert/house party to see a friend's band. There were punk rockers everywhere! Jumping up and down crashing into each other while on multiple substances. I thought it was hilarious! ...They didn't. I felt just a tad out of place.
The parties have been fun, especially when I know most of the group. I'm just sick of the small talk! How's school? Where are you going again? What's your major? That's great. *Awkward pause, followed by a weak excuse to leave.* Blah, blah, blah. But the deep conversations and moments I did have were well worth the hundred small talk convos I had to sift through. :o)
I guess I just feel in a rut. I can't relax! I find myself bored. Having a day wide open seems like a day of waste and agonizing pain. When I'm busy, those days are a God-sent, a day or pure adventure and meditation! Now I don't know what to do with myself. I have to be social, I have to escape this... whoah, this freedom. (I'll need to reflect on that concept.) But if I'm not reading, studying or playing the piano/ukulele, I go crazy! I have tried to use this semester's free time to grow and write philosophically but I end up feeling so unproductive, ready to move on. *Sigh*
So it goes, right?
And bleh, I don't know how to describe it. There's this boy, right? Haha. Cassi and her "romance" issues or lack thereof. Tehe. Hmmm. Have you ever been in a situation where you are unsure if you gave the "I like you" signals or you did and "He's just not into you"? I've been told that's my issue in the world of romance. When I like someone, I grow nervous and act "not interested" to protect myself from rejection. Great tactic, right? Haha. I've gotten better though! Just if I really like them, I fall back into old habits... So this boy I like. I've known him for years. I've always liked him but never allowed myself to open up to these feelings because I was dating someone else or I just wasn't ready to become involved in anything that strong. The last few times I've seen him though, these feelings just rings in loud and clear. I was caught off guard at first and wasn't sure what to do... Then I saw him again and "Oh, hello"... they're there. And then hey, I can't stop thinking about him and wow, I really like him... Usually, I deny and run but this time, I'm enjoying these flutters. I've missed them.
So the question is "Does he feel the same way?" I know he's felt feelings for me before and there have been those eye glances here and there where we're both feeling the same way but we never say anything. (Curses!) We've had these moments recently too... and... here I am. Hmmm. I kind of messaged him to see if wanted to hang out this weekend with the possibility of building the courage to say, "By the way..." The message was constructed very casually, nonchalant and non-flowery of course... :oP (Back into old habits, right?) He never responded. Not even a "Sorry, can't." So I'm not sure if I should take this as a "not interested" or he perceived it as an attempted hang out and didn't think it as crushing if he didn't respond... Blah. And here come the excuses, "But then there..." "But blah blah blah.", etc. etc. etc. *Shakes head* My head is spinning with excuses and confusion in my head. Making a big deal out of nothing where after reflecting I see the fault. Ha!
Silly feelings, they do that to a kid, don't they?
Good times.
And in other news: My car isn't doing too well.
Bleh, some excitement would make my world right now though. ;o)
And scene.
Oh man, life has been... going. It seems very stereotypical So Cal 20 year old. Concerts, parties, being social with a hint of scholarly activity... and of course, no money. :oP It's fun and has a lot of down time that I think is suppose to be used in recovery from hard drinking. It's not really my thing. For instance, last night I went to this concert/house party to see a friend's band. There were punk rockers everywhere! Jumping up and down crashing into each other while on multiple substances. I thought it was hilarious! ...They didn't. I felt just a tad out of place.
The parties have been fun, especially when I know most of the group. I'm just sick of the small talk! How's school? Where are you going again? What's your major? That's great. *Awkward pause, followed by a weak excuse to leave.* Blah, blah, blah. But the deep conversations and moments I did have were well worth the hundred small talk convos I had to sift through. :o)
I guess I just feel in a rut. I can't relax! I find myself bored. Having a day wide open seems like a day of waste and agonizing pain. When I'm busy, those days are a God-sent, a day or pure adventure and meditation! Now I don't know what to do with myself. I have to be social, I have to escape this... whoah, this freedom. (I'll need to reflect on that concept.) But if I'm not reading, studying or playing the piano/ukulele, I go crazy! I have tried to use this semester's free time to grow and write philosophically but I end up feeling so unproductive, ready to move on. *Sigh*
So it goes, right?
And bleh, I don't know how to describe it. There's this boy, right? Haha. Cassi and her "romance" issues or lack thereof. Tehe. Hmmm. Have you ever been in a situation where you are unsure if you gave the "I like you" signals or you did and "He's just not into you"? I've been told that's my issue in the world of romance. When I like someone, I grow nervous and act "not interested" to protect myself from rejection. Great tactic, right? Haha. I've gotten better though! Just if I really like them, I fall back into old habits... So this boy I like. I've known him for years. I've always liked him but never allowed myself to open up to these feelings because I was dating someone else or I just wasn't ready to become involved in anything that strong. The last few times I've seen him though, these feelings just rings in loud and clear. I was caught off guard at first and wasn't sure what to do... Then I saw him again and "Oh, hello"... they're there. And then hey, I can't stop thinking about him and wow, I really like him... Usually, I deny and run but this time, I'm enjoying these flutters. I've missed them.
So the question is "Does he feel the same way?" I know he's felt feelings for me before and there have been those eye glances here and there where we're both feeling the same way but we never say anything. (Curses!) We've had these moments recently too... and... here I am. Hmmm. I kind of messaged him to see if wanted to hang out this weekend with the possibility of building the courage to say, "By the way..." The message was constructed very casually, nonchalant and non-flowery of course... :oP (Back into old habits, right?) He never responded. Not even a "Sorry, can't." So I'm not sure if I should take this as a "not interested" or he perceived it as an attempted hang out and didn't think it as crushing if he didn't respond... Blah. And here come the excuses, "But then there..." "But blah blah blah.", etc. etc. etc. *Shakes head* My head is spinning with excuses and confusion in my head. Making a big deal out of nothing where after reflecting I see the fault. Ha!
Silly feelings, they do that to a kid, don't they?
Good times.
And in other news: My car isn't doing too well.
Bleh, some excitement would make my world right now though. ;o)
And scene.