The History of the Western World....According to Me
Cro-Magnon Man: "Yes! I have fire...oh shit...if I crawl around next to the fire it hurts. Must stand! Wow...standing is boring. Must draw on walls to make the view better. Unga-Bunga."
Mesopotamia: "Civilization, finally! Sweet! We did it first! Now...how do we get out from between these two damn rivers?"
Egypt in the time of the Pharoahs: "We have riches beyond anyone's wildest dreams and a wealth of slaves to do with it whatever we want. Too bad all we can come up with are pointy squares."
The Greek Miracle: "Now let us wander about and talk about the strange shapes of the world...yes...that'll convice people that we're smarter than them"
The Peloponesian War: Sparta: "Our gay soldiers kick your gay senators' asses!"
Alexander the Great: "Who cares if I'm too afraid of Mummy to go home? The world is mine! All mine! Too bad I'm dead"
Rome: "We are the great rulers of everything!"
Jesus: "For I am your Messiah...too bad you killed me...sucks to be you"
Nero: "Rome rules all! Now let me force you all to listen to my scary music recitals because I rule all!"
Constantine: "Rome rules all! Oh crap, this Christianity thing is getting popular..."
Crusades: "Our faith kicks your faith's ass!"
The Dark Ages: "Hey who turned out the light? And also...why didn't the Bible mention the importance of personal hygiene!!!"
The Renaissance: "You know maybe those Pagans were onto something...lets be like them and obsession over hot naked people...only get this...we'll say that they're symbols of Jesus..."
The Discover of America: "We need cheaper spices...oh shit...what is this piece of crap?"
The Industrial Revolution: "Damn...no more slaves...but we don't want to work...I know! There's this nifty idea of a machine..."
Lots of Revolutions: "Down with the regime! Yes we're in power! Damn...this government thing is hard..."
World War I: "Why did we start this war again? Oh well, can't remember. Hey, where'd Germany come from?"
World War II: "It's all for the greater good...hey, what happened to Poland?"
The Cold War: "Stupid Americans think this is about us and them...really we're just pissed that the weather sucks..."
Vietnam: "Finally we can say 'It's all for the greater good' again. Oh damn...people have caught on..."
The Clinton Administration: "I just thought that 'Sex, drugs, and rock and roll could be brought into the White House...or at least the sex part..."
The War in Iraq: "So it's time to pull out...damn, how do we get out from between these two damn rivers? Who says history repeats itself?"
Mesopotamia: "Civilization, finally! Sweet! We did it first! Now...how do we get out from between these two damn rivers?"
Egypt in the time of the Pharoahs: "We have riches beyond anyone's wildest dreams and a wealth of slaves to do with it whatever we want. Too bad all we can come up with are pointy squares."
The Greek Miracle: "Now let us wander about and talk about the strange shapes of the world...yes...that'll convice people that we're smarter than them"
The Peloponesian War: Sparta: "Our gay soldiers kick your gay senators' asses!"
Alexander the Great: "Who cares if I'm too afraid of Mummy to go home? The world is mine! All mine! Too bad I'm dead"
Rome: "We are the great rulers of everything!"
Jesus: "For I am your Messiah...too bad you killed me...sucks to be you"
Nero: "Rome rules all! Now let me force you all to listen to my scary music recitals because I rule all!"
Constantine: "Rome rules all! Oh crap, this Christianity thing is getting popular..."
Crusades: "Our faith kicks your faith's ass!"
The Dark Ages: "Hey who turned out the light? And also...why didn't the Bible mention the importance of personal hygiene!!!"
The Renaissance: "You know maybe those Pagans were onto something...lets be like them and obsession over hot naked people...only get this...we'll say that they're symbols of Jesus..."
The Discover of America: "We need cheaper spices...oh shit...what is this piece of crap?"
The Industrial Revolution: "Damn...no more slaves...but we don't want to work...I know! There's this nifty idea of a machine..."
Lots of Revolutions: "Down with the regime! Yes we're in power! Damn...this government thing is hard..."
World War I: "Why did we start this war again? Oh well, can't remember. Hey, where'd Germany come from?"
World War II: "It's all for the greater good...hey, what happened to Poland?"
The Cold War: "Stupid Americans think this is about us and them...really we're just pissed that the weather sucks..."
Vietnam: "Finally we can say 'It's all for the greater good' again. Oh damn...people have caught on..."
The Clinton Administration: "I just thought that 'Sex, drugs, and rock and roll could be brought into the White House...or at least the sex part..."
The War in Iraq: "So it's time to pull out...damn, how do we get out from between these two damn rivers? Who says history repeats itself?"