i wonder..
sigh.. i'm so tired.. i dunno if it's physically, mentally, or both...
my eyes are burning b/c i havent had enough rest, and there's been so much work.. sigh.. most of my assigments were handed in just today, and i've been assignmed more.. that are worth big marks.. then i have phys, chem, bio tests on december the 1st... and a math test on the 10th... and so.. my stress is never ending.. my shoulders are so freaking tense...it hurts when i pick up my backpack with 4 textbooks in it -.-'
i thik it made me sick for like 2 days.. b/c i can't be actually sick for 2 just days... but i was sneezing and teary eyed the whole weekend...
AND i was close to having around 5 fainting spells on sunday...
every time i stood up, al i saw was light... then black... and i try to stay balanced and staniding for the next minute and then try to get my frigin vision back.. i have NEVER had that happen before... not even exams ever made me like that
it's a mixture of being really annoyed with my situation at school, b/c sometimes these people really piss be off and they dont know it.. i say to them so frigin seriously.. i'm pissed off, dun say another word to me.. and they frigin think i'm joking... there's reportcards coming out... apparently they're supposed to come out today... i've been sleeping at a relativly late hour b/c i shar my bathroom with 2 other people.. and everyone takes 2 hours in there begining from 8 o'clock.... holy shit... jsut b/c i'm doing hmw till 10.. i dont get to shower till 12 and sleep at like 1 in the morning... i have to wake up at 6 in the morning to get to school, so basically i get 5 hours of sleep every night... and i'm supposed to get 8...
one of my friends were asking me if i wanted to go to a sleepover party over the holidays.. and i'm thinking.. exams are after the holidays.. and i hae to study.. i already have commitments to go out with ppl for 3 of my days.. and that puts me down to 11 days to study for 7 subjects... and my friend was trying to tempt me with the fact that we'll be talking and watching movies.. and not sleeping.. and my frist reaction... no sleep?? i need all the sleep i can get... and i EMPHASIZE that i have to study for exams yet again.. and then she was like.. whoa.. what were you thinking during course selections??
so i wonder... what WAS i thinking during course selections??
3 science, umath and english, econ and history...
the answer came to me with a bang... DUH MY FUTURE?!
at that point.. i was pretty angry because i told her one time and again that i couldnt come... i mean it's not even that i dont want to even thought i know i wouldnt have much fun sicne i dun talk to those people.. and spending a whole night there would... basically force my to hang myself...
it was the fact that she asked me.. what were you thinking?! as if i was being stupid... i mean.. unlike some people.. i have a goal in life... i have something to prepare for...
then she proceeds to announce that she got a 60 in math this term.... and she said.. my mother's not goign to see this report card...and i didnt know what to say anymore... this is coming from the girl who used to baost aout her high average, yet decided to take general science juust to meet her credit requirements... and basicaly chose all the interest courses the rest of her friends chose....
at this point i was so beyond enraged that i didnt even know what to say.. so i just said... "wow..."
what i'm surprised at.. is that i've actually had a pretty good temper lately.. even though normally when i'm stressed out i yell at everything.. latly.. it's just all.. why can't i get this done properly.. why can't i make sense of this? and why is that jack ass spraying old spice at me??
perhaps i'm jst to tire to react with temper.. rather... i end up reacting with a really *hak* face and crossed arms... which is usually my sign of defeat -.-'
and i dont like it.. it's not me.. i dont give up on fights... i win or i die trying.. i'd rather die trying than to even consider letting my pride go...i dunoo.. maybe i'm finally bending to this overwhemling mass of people clottering my nerves...
yet.. i hope this is just a phase... b/c the thought of having to change to be left alone is more depressing to me than the load of work i have on my desk, and the load of expectations i am expected to fullfill on my shoulders...
and dispite my friends being there, i don't like to bother them with these things... they have more pressing things on their minds i'm sure....
hence.. i always wished i had an older brother i could just run to, someone i could cry in front of, adn cry out of misery, not just from watching some movie...
perhaps i may fond someone who will serve the purpose in the future.. for now.. my dogs are carrying part of that load.. and my art book and diary the other...
my eyes are burning b/c i havent had enough rest, and there's been so much work.. sigh.. most of my assigments were handed in just today, and i've been assignmed more.. that are worth big marks.. then i have phys, chem, bio tests on december the 1st... and a math test on the 10th... and so.. my stress is never ending.. my shoulders are so freaking tense...it hurts when i pick up my backpack with 4 textbooks in it -.-'
i thik it made me sick for like 2 days.. b/c i can't be actually sick for 2 just days... but i was sneezing and teary eyed the whole weekend...
AND i was close to having around 5 fainting spells on sunday...
every time i stood up, al i saw was light... then black... and i try to stay balanced and staniding for the next minute and then try to get my frigin vision back.. i have NEVER had that happen before... not even exams ever made me like that
it's a mixture of being really annoyed with my situation at school, b/c sometimes these people really piss be off and they dont know it.. i say to them so frigin seriously.. i'm pissed off, dun say another word to me.. and they frigin think i'm joking... there's reportcards coming out... apparently they're supposed to come out today... i've been sleeping at a relativly late hour b/c i shar my bathroom with 2 other people.. and everyone takes 2 hours in there begining from 8 o'clock.... holy shit... jsut b/c i'm doing hmw till 10.. i dont get to shower till 12 and sleep at like 1 in the morning... i have to wake up at 6 in the morning to get to school, so basically i get 5 hours of sleep every night... and i'm supposed to get 8...
one of my friends were asking me if i wanted to go to a sleepover party over the holidays.. and i'm thinking.. exams are after the holidays.. and i hae to study.. i already have commitments to go out with ppl for 3 of my days.. and that puts me down to 11 days to study for 7 subjects... and my friend was trying to tempt me with the fact that we'll be talking and watching movies.. and not sleeping.. and my frist reaction... no sleep?? i need all the sleep i can get... and i EMPHASIZE that i have to study for exams yet again.. and then she was like.. whoa.. what were you thinking during course selections??
so i wonder... what WAS i thinking during course selections??
3 science, umath and english, econ and history...
the answer came to me with a bang... DUH MY FUTURE?!
at that point.. i was pretty angry because i told her one time and again that i couldnt come... i mean it's not even that i dont want to even thought i know i wouldnt have much fun sicne i dun talk to those people.. and spending a whole night there would... basically force my to hang myself...
it was the fact that she asked me.. what were you thinking?! as if i was being stupid... i mean.. unlike some people.. i have a goal in life... i have something to prepare for...
then she proceeds to announce that she got a 60 in math this term.... and she said.. my mother's not goign to see this report card...and i didnt know what to say anymore... this is coming from the girl who used to baost aout her high average, yet decided to take general science juust to meet her credit requirements... and basicaly chose all the interest courses the rest of her friends chose....
at this point i was so beyond enraged that i didnt even know what to say.. so i just said... "wow..."
what i'm surprised at.. is that i've actually had a pretty good temper lately.. even though normally when i'm stressed out i yell at everything.. latly.. it's just all.. why can't i get this done properly.. why can't i make sense of this? and why is that jack ass spraying old spice at me??
perhaps i'm jst to tire to react with temper.. rather... i end up reacting with a really *hak* face and crossed arms... which is usually my sign of defeat -.-'
and i dont like it.. it's not me.. i dont give up on fights... i win or i die trying.. i'd rather die trying than to even consider letting my pride go...i dunoo.. maybe i'm finally bending to this overwhemling mass of people clottering my nerves...
yet.. i hope this is just a phase... b/c the thought of having to change to be left alone is more depressing to me than the load of work i have on my desk, and the load of expectations i am expected to fullfill on my shoulders...
and dispite my friends being there, i don't like to bother them with these things... they have more pressing things on their minds i'm sure....
hence.. i always wished i had an older brother i could just run to, someone i could cry in front of, adn cry out of misery, not just from watching some movie...
perhaps i may fond someone who will serve the purpose in the future.. for now.. my dogs are carrying part of that load.. and my art book and diary the other...