First Time Fatherhood
This article was written by me and originally published in Pregnancy Magazine, reprinted here by permission:
I remember the first time I laid eyes on my baby. He was seconds old, face and body tensed, skin red, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I immediately started talking to him and he, amazingly enough, turned his head in the direction of my voice. I thought my heart would stop beating.
Of course, I had to announce his keen intelligence and superior coordination to everyone in the room. I actually felt sorry for his mother who was stuck in the bed and unable to see our child from my vantage point. At that moment all the fears, worries, and anxieties I had about the future of my family, were gone. Of course, they came back in the days to follow, but at that moment; they couldn’t stand up to the joy and love I felt for my son.
The magic of firsts
There is nothing like the birth of your first child. Everything your child does is unique and amazing. The best moments in a parent’s life involves firsts! If you don’t believe me, answer these simple questions: What was the second day of your child’s life like? What was the second word your child ever spoke? What was your child’s second favorite food? What did you do on your child’s second birthday? How was his or her second day of school? Even if you could answer these questions, you get my point. First time experiences have a greater "stickiness" in the mind, staying with us as vividly as my memory of my son’s first day of life.
But, firsts are also anxiety producing. The first time your child hurt himself was more traumatic for you than for the child, right? You handled the second, third, and fourth times much more calmly, didn’t you? The first time your child told you "no" was more difficult to accept than the second or third time. The first time he went to a friend’s house to stay the night was much more frightening than later times.
Value of experience
Firsts are difficult because we are inexperienced. We are afraid to make mistakes. We worry that our simplest action will damage our children for life. After our firstborn, we are more certain of our coping skills, less shocked by our child’s behaviors, and recognize our children as more durable than we first believed. I remember going through birth education classes for my second child. On the night the dads learned how to diaper a baby (when cloth diapers were still used) I whipped that diaper on so fast and true, it made the other dads’ heads spin. The only difference between the other dads and me was experience.
If you are a first time dad, there is no way to go around the anxiety and mistakes but I can offer you some advice to make the journey a little easier. And, if this is your second, third, or tenth child, consider the following tips a refresher course.
1. Have faith in yourself
It may be hard to believe, but you know more than you think you do. At the very least, you have the ability to make a decision and stick to it. Everywhere you turn, someone will be offering you advice. Read two or three books and you will discover conflicting points of view. Search the Internet and find hundreds of different sites. What’s a parent to do? Pick one you like and go for it. Read the other books and review the various sites, even listen to Aunt Martha’s advice, but you and the mother are the only ones who can decide what is right for you and your child.
For most new dads, anxiety and lack of experience makes them feel inadequate, but you should still believe in yourself. This will require faith, which means believing in the unknown and unseen. Amazingly enough, it does work out just fine.
2. Enjoy the journey
I know you already love your baby. But it is important to enjoy her as well. Take pleasure, both before and after your baby is born, to bond with her and your mate. If you already have children, include them in the process, but be jealous with your time alone with the baby. Countless research articles state the psychological benefits of a good attachment with a "good enough" parent. Not perfect, mind you. Just "good enough."
And, although the research doesn’t say it, there are psychological benefits for you as well. No matter how frightening the journey, relax and enjoy the trip, wherever it takes you. The more you fight it, the harder it will be for you and the new baby. Enjoying the journey will decrease your anxiety and make you a more confident, capable parent.
3. Stay balanced
Having a baby will change your life forever. It will alter your relationship with your mate. It will revolutionize your daily routines and refocus your priorities. Most of all, it will require hard work and commitment. But it doesn’t eliminate you individual needs and desires. You can still go out for a romantic evening. You can still play a round of golf. You can still pursue your career. How much time you devote to these things will change, but, with a balanced attitude and schedule, you can still do them. In fact, you should keep doing them. It is good for your own mental and physical well-being.
This balance of self and family will transfer to your child, forming the basis of his or her attitudes about a balanced lifestyle. Where is that balance for you? That is something that you will have to keep adjusting until you get it right. Talk to your mate and set realistic goals for you and your family.
If, after reading these tips, you are still anxious about your future, just try them for a month. You might be surprised by the results. There’s always a first time for everything, right?
Share your thoughts...click the comment link.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on my baby. He was seconds old, face and body tensed, skin red, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I immediately started talking to him and he, amazingly enough, turned his head in the direction of my voice. I thought my heart would stop beating.
Of course, I had to announce his keen intelligence and superior coordination to everyone in the room. I actually felt sorry for his mother who was stuck in the bed and unable to see our child from my vantage point. At that moment all the fears, worries, and anxieties I had about the future of my family, were gone. Of course, they came back in the days to follow, but at that moment; they couldn’t stand up to the joy and love I felt for my son.
The magic of firsts
There is nothing like the birth of your first child. Everything your child does is unique and amazing. The best moments in a parent’s life involves firsts! If you don’t believe me, answer these simple questions: What was the second day of your child’s life like? What was the second word your child ever spoke? What was your child’s second favorite food? What did you do on your child’s second birthday? How was his or her second day of school? Even if you could answer these questions, you get my point. First time experiences have a greater "stickiness" in the mind, staying with us as vividly as my memory of my son’s first day of life.
But, firsts are also anxiety producing. The first time your child hurt himself was more traumatic for you than for the child, right? You handled the second, third, and fourth times much more calmly, didn’t you? The first time your child told you "no" was more difficult to accept than the second or third time. The first time he went to a friend’s house to stay the night was much more frightening than later times.
Value of experience
Firsts are difficult because we are inexperienced. We are afraid to make mistakes. We worry that our simplest action will damage our children for life. After our firstborn, we are more certain of our coping skills, less shocked by our child’s behaviors, and recognize our children as more durable than we first believed. I remember going through birth education classes for my second child. On the night the dads learned how to diaper a baby (when cloth diapers were still used) I whipped that diaper on so fast and true, it made the other dads’ heads spin. The only difference between the other dads and me was experience.
If you are a first time dad, there is no way to go around the anxiety and mistakes but I can offer you some advice to make the journey a little easier. And, if this is your second, third, or tenth child, consider the following tips a refresher course.
1. Have faith in yourself
It may be hard to believe, but you know more than you think you do. At the very least, you have the ability to make a decision and stick to it. Everywhere you turn, someone will be offering you advice. Read two or three books and you will discover conflicting points of view. Search the Internet and find hundreds of different sites. What’s a parent to do? Pick one you like and go for it. Read the other books and review the various sites, even listen to Aunt Martha’s advice, but you and the mother are the only ones who can decide what is right for you and your child.
For most new dads, anxiety and lack of experience makes them feel inadequate, but you should still believe in yourself. This will require faith, which means believing in the unknown and unseen. Amazingly enough, it does work out just fine.
2. Enjoy the journey
I know you already love your baby. But it is important to enjoy her as well. Take pleasure, both before and after your baby is born, to bond with her and your mate. If you already have children, include them in the process, but be jealous with your time alone with the baby. Countless research articles state the psychological benefits of a good attachment with a "good enough" parent. Not perfect, mind you. Just "good enough."
And, although the research doesn’t say it, there are psychological benefits for you as well. No matter how frightening the journey, relax and enjoy the trip, wherever it takes you. The more you fight it, the harder it will be for you and the new baby. Enjoying the journey will decrease your anxiety and make you a more confident, capable parent.
3. Stay balanced
Having a baby will change your life forever. It will alter your relationship with your mate. It will revolutionize your daily routines and refocus your priorities. Most of all, it will require hard work and commitment. But it doesn’t eliminate you individual needs and desires. You can still go out for a romantic evening. You can still play a round of golf. You can still pursue your career. How much time you devote to these things will change, but, with a balanced attitude and schedule, you can still do them. In fact, you should keep doing them. It is good for your own mental and physical well-being.
This balance of self and family will transfer to your child, forming the basis of his or her attitudes about a balanced lifestyle. Where is that balance for you? That is something that you will have to keep adjusting until you get it right. Talk to your mate and set realistic goals for you and your family.
If, after reading these tips, you are still anxious about your future, just try them for a month. You might be surprised by the results. There’s always a first time for everything, right?
Share your thoughts...click the comment link.