LOG: Revelations
I've got five fingers on each hand/For every mistake that I've made/'Cause my tongue is tied to tonsils/And I need to shit and shave/I'm a shade too pale for handsome/And have habits I can't shake/But if you try to take that from me/Well I'll never be the same
Train Wreck That I Am
Walter
Walter drifts somewhere between sleep and waking, still nestled comfortably atop Dan's chest, hardly having moved at all throughout the night. The sun has risen early this Christmas morning, its light filtering in streams through windows and blinds over the two men.
As the sunlight slowly drifts up their blanket covered forms and finally over Walter's face, he is roused into wakefulness. He opens his eyes slowly, squinting against the light. He turns his face away and into Dan's shoulder, tensing for a moment as he realizes that he's not alone in his bed or in his flat at all for that matter. He blinks as he stares up from Dan's shoulder at the sleeping man, the night slowly coming back to him.
Appalled. That's the only word for the overwhelming emotion that rises in him. He lowers his chin, hiding his face into Dan's chest as he grows sick with self-hatred.
He had only wanted to see what would happen. If this was what he wanted. If this was his... Preference. It really had nothing to do with Dan, other than the idea that he might be willing.
The implications of it all tear at his heart, all so fatally abstract to him. He had more or less purposefully set himself up to sleep with another man ('ugly little faggot'), a man for whom he has no romantic feelings, with whom he barely gets along (though not for lack of trying), and to whom he isn't expressly attracted. He had more or less willfully put himself in a position to take advantage of Dan for his own gain, the definition of exploitation. It made him no better than the filth that he meets on the streets. ('Ain't that right, Whoreson?')
And Walter is still laying there as he thinks this. He has to get out of here. He can't deal with this train wreck that he has engineered. He lifts his head, slowly and carefully, trying not to wake Dan. The sun has crept further up, over his host's face. His remorse deepens as he looks at him. Dan is a good man. Kind, generous and, yes, if Walter thinks about it, he's... Handsome. He doesn't deserve to be treated in such a way.
Cautiously sliding his arm out from beneath Dan's arm, Walter reaches up to Dan's face, his lithe, calloused fingers gently grasping the rim of Dan's glasses. Walter carefully pulls them away, pausing when he thinks he sees Dan's eyelids flutter, and again when the side opposite his hand gets caught on the edge of his ear.
In the Charlton home, the boy who slept in the bottom bunk of Walter's bunk bed used to forget to take his glasses off while he slept, and would always mash them against his face and complain about it the rest of the day. Of all the things Walter has done, the least he can do is make Dan a bit more comfortable when he wakes and see that he Walter gone.
He waits for a moment, then pulls his other arm out from under the weight of Dan's embrace. He shift his hips a little, pressing a knee ever so slightly into the sofa between Dan's legs to hold himself steady. He hovers over Dan's recumbent form, moving up the sofa a bit until he can reach with both hands for the other man's spectacles and slowly, carefully slides them off.
Dan
Daniel is in dreams, eyes flicking beneath his eyelids.
He lets out a breathy sigh when his eyes finally flutter open. He blinks himself to wakefulness, smiling at the ginger man in his arms.
Walter
Walter starts a bit when he feels Dan's breath puff against his face, but then relaxes, giving a terse smile in return when he sees Dan's smile, feeling momentarily at peace.
Until his eyes rise to Dan's once more. Those warm, kind brown eyes... That smile...
A heavy sense of deja vu sweeps over him and his face falls as it transforms into recognition, then realization.
Rorschach thoughtlessly reaches up to Nite Owl's goggles to move them away from his eyes. His heart jumps as Nite Owl seems to lean into his touch and the pad of his bare thumb accidentally brushes along the ridge of his cheek bone, over hot skin, tracing cool Kevlar. He's so close that Rorschach can feel Nite Owl's breath on his face. He sees his eyes for a moment, not enough time to discern what was truly going on inside of him. He thinks distantly that he has never been so purposefully, pointedly close to another person.
All the pieces of a puzzle that he didn't know he was assembling fall into place: the owl insignia around Dan's apartment, his want to be near him, the familiarity of the night before and in days passed, how Nite Owl reminded him of Dan and he didn't even realize it. His heart jumps into his throat and a heady shock of disbelief, confusion, and arousal hits him so hard that it leaves him dizzy and disoriented.
His hand lowers to Dan's face, the rough tip of his thumb brushing along the ridge of his cheekbone. "Nite Owl," he says, and it's a statement, not a question.
Dan
Daniel is a flush of various reds in seconds. Walter's reaction altogether leaves him speechless. Dan should be freaking out, worried with his world crashing around him. But he's surprisingly calm. He just looks right back at Walter. He wants to say "Rorschach" but his tongue won't move. He shifts his hand up Walter's back, resting it there to comfort him.
He then nods, summoning all his courage.
Walter
His mouth falls open and he can't tear his eyes away from Dan's eyes, his body quivering even more as Dan's hands move over him.
It's a long moment before he speaks. And when he does, it sounds like he's choking. "Know who I am?"
Dan
His eyes say yes over and over, but Dan is still struggling to say a word.
"Walter... I... Your apartment."
He realizes it is a bad idea as soon as he says it.
Walter
He closes his eyes, his jaw clenching tight. He sighs a slow, shaking breath and he takes his hand away from Dan's face, bracing himself on the cushions of the sofa to push himself up and away.
Dan
"Wait! Wait! Please don't do this." He doesn't handle Walter but scrambles to get up from the couch.
Walter
He moves away from Dan, to the other end of the sofa. He plants his feet on the floor and drops his face into his hands. He rubs his eyes and thinks back over everything, over all the months they've known each other, all the fights they've had, how awkward they have always been around each other.
And then the five nights he spent in... What? Dan's basement? And how they have been tormenting him ever since.
"Serendipitous, isn't it?" He chuckles miserably.
He doesn't look at Dan, instead turning his eyes to the ashes in the fireplace, to where they have just spent hours sleeping together. "Last night... I...
"Think I should go."
Dan
Daniel shakes his head. "No... You don't have to leave. This is a good thing! We should... Trust each other this much."
He grips the couch hard. He's not sure how to feel right now, but he's doing his best.
Walter
"My behavior was unacceptable. I--" His words falter again. "Don't deserve your trust, Daniel."
Dan
Dan moves down the sofa towards him, taking his glasses out of Walter's hands. "That's preposterous! We need to stick together. We're teachers. We're protectors... It's important for us to have allies."
Walter
Walter looks up at Dan as he takes his glasses out of his hands. His brows purse and he keeps talking as if Dan hadn't spoken. "Never do things like that," he justifies breathlessly, his words coming faster and faster as if he is about to hyperventilate. "I-I... Ehhn. Never drink... Never... Touch people. Never take advantage of others... Never." And he says it with such finality that it makes him feel like the liar that he is because he has broken those nevers.
Dan
Daniel smiles sadly and shuffles even closer to him. "Hey. It's alright. Really it is. I'm not ashamed of anything that happened. Sure, we don't know each other a whole lot, but we have a lot of time."
He carefully wraps an arm around the upset man. He says more quietly, "As for never doing this? Everyone has to start somewhere. I never do this either. But I really didn't mind."
Walter
Walter tenses when the other man touches him, still breathing a bit too fast and hard. It feels wrong and he wants to leave because it's Dan Dreiberg.
But, tense as he is he allows it, he stays where he is and even leans into him a little bit because it's Nite Owl and Rorschach is still hurt and it's all right.
He slowly looks up at him. "S-start?" He frowns. "How many times are we going to start and restart before we get this right?"
His face crumples a little bit. "What are we doing?"
Dan
"We'll figure it out as we go along. No one is made knowing all the rules."
He strokes along Walters back, trying to soothe him. "I'm not rushing."
Walter
He draws a long breath and closes his eyes again, hanging his head, trying to calm. "Everything is... Nothing is right," he says lowly, "Going crazy.
"Need to start patrolling again."
Dan
"We will! I promise! There's nothing that can stop you now."
Walter
"No. Can't yet. Ribs are still broken. Haven't removed stitches from my back yet." He wants to go out regardless. He's gone too long without Rorschach and it's tearing him apart, making him weak. It's all just too damn complicated and confusing. And it's only going to get worse if he waits. The more you push it down, the more you make a mess.
Dan
"But your injuries will heal soon. And... You helped out a lot when we last went out.
"Sometimes, we fall. We've got to look out for each other and our other teammates when that happens. You can't always be fighting... You need peace too."
Walter
He frowns, considering Dan's words. He can't wrap his mind around the idea that this man wants to give him another second chance at this ridiculous friendship... Relationship... Thing. He also doesn't think Dan is hearing him or, at least, not understanding what he's saying.
"Need to work on talking to each other better," he says, his frown deepening.
Dan
"Yes. Communication is very important."
Walter
He sighs, looking up at Dan shyly, simply looking over his face, taking in the details of him, the patient man beneath the mask. "Wouldn't have guessed," he says quietly.
Dan
He tilts his head to the side. "Wouldn't have guessed?"
Walter
"Just... Can't believe that I stayed with you for five days and... Never would have guess it was you." He looks down once more.
"When... That night... In Archie," he swallows. He can still remember the night in vivid detail and it brings color to his cheeks. He looks to Dan's hand, the same one that he had held in his own. "You weren't just tired. Know better."
Dan
Dan bites his lip at the mention of their moment. He moves his hand to Walter's, sensing he needs it closer. "Sometimes, we just can't see what's right in front of us. It's too obvious or unlikely.
"I've never had anyone figure me out till now, so I guess it's working..."
Walter
Walter's hand slowly turns beneath Dan's and opens, his palm facing up.
"Your eyes," he says quietly, watching as Dan's larger hand closes within his own thinner, longer fingers. "Give you away. In everything. Wanted to see them that night. Wanted to understand what... What was happening."
He swallows, turning his head to face Dan, though he doesn't look at up him, his eyes still low. "Isn't just a matter that I never do these things... Never have. Don't know what I'm doing at all," he admits, tired and well beyond the point of caring about his well spent dignity. "Have never had friends. Have never... Gone home with someone before, false implications or otherwise.
"Would... Really like to forget what happened last night. And everything else. Start over new." His eyes raise to Dan's, his cheeks and his ears burning hotter than they have in a very long time.
He is practically holding his breath when he says, "How's that for communication?"
Dan
Daniel nods slowly, listening to every word. His eyes sadden at the concept that no one has ever touched Walter before. How old is he? Daniel's been physical with at least one person. But nobody? He processes the statement. He doesn't talk for a little while, just stroking Walter's back.
"We can start from wherever is easiest for you," he says finally. "I don't hate you or dislike you at all. We just get under each other's skin, I think."
Walter
Walter looks away as Dan grows silent, flinching when he begins to speak, like he expects to be struck. But Dan's words are kind and patient and the touch on his back isn't an attempt to hurt him. He considers this for a moment.
He reluctantly takes his hand away, allowing it to hover over Dan's hand for moment before he pulls his arm away completely, tucking it around his middle. "I don't know," he says. "Don't know what I want right now."
He stands up and takes a few steps away from him, looking back at him with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, Daniel."
Dan
"You don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to. And you certainly don't have to apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I don't know what makes you think you have."
Daniel doesn't touch him, even though he badly wants to comfort him. He had sensed Mr. Kovacs had some serious shit going on; just the look in his eyes, his tone, everything about his stance. But Daniel didn't like to assume. He has learned you can never be sure what is happening in someone's life.
"We don't have to be anything. We can just be friends." Dan frowns. "Or not..."
Walter
He is quiet for several long moments, shifting from one foot to the other. His eyes wont settle on one thing, jumping from one thing to the next as he tries to settle his scrambled thoughts.
A part of him wants to take a few steps backwards, lay Dan out on the sofa again and go back to sleep with him. Another, the part that is beginning to win him over, just wants to get away.
"Want to be friends," he says quietly, finally bringing his eyes to Dan, his gaze making it no higher than his shoulders. "Only thing I am certain of." And that, at least, is the truth for both of them after months of repeatedly trying to get along, failing, but still coming back to try again.
He gives a sad, undoubtedly false smile. "And now, really do need to leave." He looks to Dan's eyes, hoping to find the same understanding. "Will come back..."
To Be Continued...
Train Wreck That I Am
Walter
Walter drifts somewhere between sleep and waking, still nestled comfortably atop Dan's chest, hardly having moved at all throughout the night. The sun has risen early this Christmas morning, its light filtering in streams through windows and blinds over the two men.
As the sunlight slowly drifts up their blanket covered forms and finally over Walter's face, he is roused into wakefulness. He opens his eyes slowly, squinting against the light. He turns his face away and into Dan's shoulder, tensing for a moment as he realizes that he's not alone in his bed or in his flat at all for that matter. He blinks as he stares up from Dan's shoulder at the sleeping man, the night slowly coming back to him.
Appalled. That's the only word for the overwhelming emotion that rises in him. He lowers his chin, hiding his face into Dan's chest as he grows sick with self-hatred.
He had only wanted to see what would happen. If this was what he wanted. If this was his... Preference. It really had nothing to do with Dan, other than the idea that he might be willing.
The implications of it all tear at his heart, all so fatally abstract to him. He had more or less purposefully set himself up to sleep with another man ('ugly little faggot'), a man for whom he has no romantic feelings, with whom he barely gets along (though not for lack of trying), and to whom he isn't expressly attracted. He had more or less willfully put himself in a position to take advantage of Dan for his own gain, the definition of exploitation. It made him no better than the filth that he meets on the streets. ('Ain't that right, Whoreson?')
And Walter is still laying there as he thinks this. He has to get out of here. He can't deal with this train wreck that he has engineered. He lifts his head, slowly and carefully, trying not to wake Dan. The sun has crept further up, over his host's face. His remorse deepens as he looks at him. Dan is a good man. Kind, generous and, yes, if Walter thinks about it, he's... Handsome. He doesn't deserve to be treated in such a way.
Cautiously sliding his arm out from beneath Dan's arm, Walter reaches up to Dan's face, his lithe, calloused fingers gently grasping the rim of Dan's glasses. Walter carefully pulls them away, pausing when he thinks he sees Dan's eyelids flutter, and again when the side opposite his hand gets caught on the edge of his ear.
In the Charlton home, the boy who slept in the bottom bunk of Walter's bunk bed used to forget to take his glasses off while he slept, and would always mash them against his face and complain about it the rest of the day. Of all the things Walter has done, the least he can do is make Dan a bit more comfortable when he wakes and see that he Walter gone.
He waits for a moment, then pulls his other arm out from under the weight of Dan's embrace. He shift his hips a little, pressing a knee ever so slightly into the sofa between Dan's legs to hold himself steady. He hovers over Dan's recumbent form, moving up the sofa a bit until he can reach with both hands for the other man's spectacles and slowly, carefully slides them off.
Dan
Daniel is in dreams, eyes flicking beneath his eyelids.
He lets out a breathy sigh when his eyes finally flutter open. He blinks himself to wakefulness, smiling at the ginger man in his arms.
Walter
Walter starts a bit when he feels Dan's breath puff against his face, but then relaxes, giving a terse smile in return when he sees Dan's smile, feeling momentarily at peace.
Until his eyes rise to Dan's once more. Those warm, kind brown eyes... That smile...
A heavy sense of deja vu sweeps over him and his face falls as it transforms into recognition, then realization.
Rorschach thoughtlessly reaches up to Nite Owl's goggles to move them away from his eyes. His heart jumps as Nite Owl seems to lean into his touch and the pad of his bare thumb accidentally brushes along the ridge of his cheek bone, over hot skin, tracing cool Kevlar. He's so close that Rorschach can feel Nite Owl's breath on his face. He sees his eyes for a moment, not enough time to discern what was truly going on inside of him. He thinks distantly that he has never been so purposefully, pointedly close to another person.
All the pieces of a puzzle that he didn't know he was assembling fall into place: the owl insignia around Dan's apartment, his want to be near him, the familiarity of the night before and in days passed, how Nite Owl reminded him of Dan and he didn't even realize it. His heart jumps into his throat and a heady shock of disbelief, confusion, and arousal hits him so hard that it leaves him dizzy and disoriented.
His hand lowers to Dan's face, the rough tip of his thumb brushing along the ridge of his cheekbone. "Nite Owl," he says, and it's a statement, not a question.
Dan
Daniel is a flush of various reds in seconds. Walter's reaction altogether leaves him speechless. Dan should be freaking out, worried with his world crashing around him. But he's surprisingly calm. He just looks right back at Walter. He wants to say "Rorschach" but his tongue won't move. He shifts his hand up Walter's back, resting it there to comfort him.
He then nods, summoning all his courage.
Walter
His mouth falls open and he can't tear his eyes away from Dan's eyes, his body quivering even more as Dan's hands move over him.
It's a long moment before he speaks. And when he does, it sounds like he's choking. "Know who I am?"
Dan
His eyes say yes over and over, but Dan is still struggling to say a word.
"Walter... I... Your apartment."
He realizes it is a bad idea as soon as he says it.
Walter
He closes his eyes, his jaw clenching tight. He sighs a slow, shaking breath and he takes his hand away from Dan's face, bracing himself on the cushions of the sofa to push himself up and away.
Dan
"Wait! Wait! Please don't do this." He doesn't handle Walter but scrambles to get up from the couch.
Walter
He moves away from Dan, to the other end of the sofa. He plants his feet on the floor and drops his face into his hands. He rubs his eyes and thinks back over everything, over all the months they've known each other, all the fights they've had, how awkward they have always been around each other.
And then the five nights he spent in... What? Dan's basement? And how they have been tormenting him ever since.
"Serendipitous, isn't it?" He chuckles miserably.
He doesn't look at Dan, instead turning his eyes to the ashes in the fireplace, to where they have just spent hours sleeping together. "Last night... I...
"Think I should go."
Dan
Daniel shakes his head. "No... You don't have to leave. This is a good thing! We should... Trust each other this much."
He grips the couch hard. He's not sure how to feel right now, but he's doing his best.
Walter
"My behavior was unacceptable. I--" His words falter again. "Don't deserve your trust, Daniel."
Dan
Dan moves down the sofa towards him, taking his glasses out of Walter's hands. "That's preposterous! We need to stick together. We're teachers. We're protectors... It's important for us to have allies."
Walter
Walter looks up at Dan as he takes his glasses out of his hands. His brows purse and he keeps talking as if Dan hadn't spoken. "Never do things like that," he justifies breathlessly, his words coming faster and faster as if he is about to hyperventilate. "I-I... Ehhn. Never drink... Never... Touch people. Never take advantage of others... Never." And he says it with such finality that it makes him feel like the liar that he is because he has broken those nevers.
Dan
Daniel smiles sadly and shuffles even closer to him. "Hey. It's alright. Really it is. I'm not ashamed of anything that happened. Sure, we don't know each other a whole lot, but we have a lot of time."
He carefully wraps an arm around the upset man. He says more quietly, "As for never doing this? Everyone has to start somewhere. I never do this either. But I really didn't mind."
Walter
Walter tenses when the other man touches him, still breathing a bit too fast and hard. It feels wrong and he wants to leave because it's Dan Dreiberg.
But, tense as he is he allows it, he stays where he is and even leans into him a little bit because it's Nite Owl and Rorschach is still hurt and it's all right.
He slowly looks up at him. "S-start?" He frowns. "How many times are we going to start and restart before we get this right?"
His face crumples a little bit. "What are we doing?"
Dan
"We'll figure it out as we go along. No one is made knowing all the rules."
He strokes along Walters back, trying to soothe him. "I'm not rushing."
Walter
He draws a long breath and closes his eyes again, hanging his head, trying to calm. "Everything is... Nothing is right," he says lowly, "Going crazy.
"Need to start patrolling again."
Dan
"We will! I promise! There's nothing that can stop you now."
Walter
"No. Can't yet. Ribs are still broken. Haven't removed stitches from my back yet." He wants to go out regardless. He's gone too long without Rorschach and it's tearing him apart, making him weak. It's all just too damn complicated and confusing. And it's only going to get worse if he waits. The more you push it down, the more you make a mess.
Dan
"But your injuries will heal soon. And... You helped out a lot when we last went out.
"Sometimes, we fall. We've got to look out for each other and our other teammates when that happens. You can't always be fighting... You need peace too."
Walter
He frowns, considering Dan's words. He can't wrap his mind around the idea that this man wants to give him another second chance at this ridiculous friendship... Relationship... Thing. He also doesn't think Dan is hearing him or, at least, not understanding what he's saying.
"Need to work on talking to each other better," he says, his frown deepening.
Dan
"Yes. Communication is very important."
Walter
He sighs, looking up at Dan shyly, simply looking over his face, taking in the details of him, the patient man beneath the mask. "Wouldn't have guessed," he says quietly.
Dan
He tilts his head to the side. "Wouldn't have guessed?"
Walter
"Just... Can't believe that I stayed with you for five days and... Never would have guess it was you." He looks down once more.
"When... That night... In Archie," he swallows. He can still remember the night in vivid detail and it brings color to his cheeks. He looks to Dan's hand, the same one that he had held in his own. "You weren't just tired. Know better."
Dan
Dan bites his lip at the mention of their moment. He moves his hand to Walter's, sensing he needs it closer. "Sometimes, we just can't see what's right in front of us. It's too obvious or unlikely.
"I've never had anyone figure me out till now, so I guess it's working..."
Walter
Walter's hand slowly turns beneath Dan's and opens, his palm facing up.
"Your eyes," he says quietly, watching as Dan's larger hand closes within his own thinner, longer fingers. "Give you away. In everything. Wanted to see them that night. Wanted to understand what... What was happening."
He swallows, turning his head to face Dan, though he doesn't look at up him, his eyes still low. "Isn't just a matter that I never do these things... Never have. Don't know what I'm doing at all," he admits, tired and well beyond the point of caring about his well spent dignity. "Have never had friends. Have never... Gone home with someone before, false implications or otherwise.
"Would... Really like to forget what happened last night. And everything else. Start over new." His eyes raise to Dan's, his cheeks and his ears burning hotter than they have in a very long time.
He is practically holding his breath when he says, "How's that for communication?"
Dan
Daniel nods slowly, listening to every word. His eyes sadden at the concept that no one has ever touched Walter before. How old is he? Daniel's been physical with at least one person. But nobody? He processes the statement. He doesn't talk for a little while, just stroking Walter's back.
"We can start from wherever is easiest for you," he says finally. "I don't hate you or dislike you at all. We just get under each other's skin, I think."
Walter
Walter looks away as Dan grows silent, flinching when he begins to speak, like he expects to be struck. But Dan's words are kind and patient and the touch on his back isn't an attempt to hurt him. He considers this for a moment.
He reluctantly takes his hand away, allowing it to hover over Dan's hand for moment before he pulls his arm away completely, tucking it around his middle. "I don't know," he says. "Don't know what I want right now."
He stands up and takes a few steps away from him, looking back at him with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, Daniel."
Dan
"You don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to. And you certainly don't have to apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I don't know what makes you think you have."
Daniel doesn't touch him, even though he badly wants to comfort him. He had sensed Mr. Kovacs had some serious shit going on; just the look in his eyes, his tone, everything about his stance. But Daniel didn't like to assume. He has learned you can never be sure what is happening in someone's life.
"We don't have to be anything. We can just be friends." Dan frowns. "Or not..."
Walter
He is quiet for several long moments, shifting from one foot to the other. His eyes wont settle on one thing, jumping from one thing to the next as he tries to settle his scrambled thoughts.
A part of him wants to take a few steps backwards, lay Dan out on the sofa again and go back to sleep with him. Another, the part that is beginning to win him over, just wants to get away.
"Want to be friends," he says quietly, finally bringing his eyes to Dan, his gaze making it no higher than his shoulders. "Only thing I am certain of." And that, at least, is the truth for both of them after months of repeatedly trying to get along, failing, but still coming back to try again.
He gives a sad, undoubtedly false smile. "And now, really do need to leave." He looks to Dan's eyes, hoping to find the same understanding. "Will come back..."
To Be Continued...