So alone

[reguy3]

I feel so alone right now. I don't know why, but I do. Like there is no one there. As far as I'm concerned I could be the only person alive, and not care. I don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. I don't feel like being around anyone. I'm tired of being the nice guy all the time. Its getting to me. As I'm starting to learn more about myself, I'm beginning to learn what parts of me are the real me, and what parts aren't. What did I make up to please myself and everyone else, and what have I come to believe is me. I need to find the root of what is making me unhappy. I need to kill it, whatever it is.

Speaking of killing bad traits, I'm done with smoking. I gave my last pack of cigarettes to someone today, who I know will get rid of them for me. I can't smoke anymore. Not if I want to live. The cardiologist stressed how important not smoking was, so I need to stop. But how do I kick drinking? Maybe I'll ease up, but not totally stop cold turkey. We'll see.

I'm not sure what to do right now. I have a lot of work. A test tomorrow. A book to read. An essay to write. Papers for guidance. College essays.

No. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Fuck school. Fuck college. Fuck the work. Fuck smoking. Fuck the world. I hate everyone and everything right now.

I'm going to bed. Then I'm going to get up, and proceed through another day, as if I've never had these feelings. Why? I have no fucking idea.