Ici vient le train de pensée dans le station
I just realized a truth in my life.
I function best when given a lot of structure.
The only exception to this rule is when there is absolutely no structure at all.
I thought about it because I saw my neighbours, behind my house here. Their kids were playing on the trampoline, but they weren't doing anything particular. Just jumping. I couldn't ever do that when I was a kid, not for long. The rules of being on a trampoline are, "Go here, and jump around to have fun." That's the rules. But there weren't enough rules for me! And at the same time, I couldn't jump to other places, like swimming pools, because I'd get in trouble from parents; I couldn't jump from places like the roof for the same reason, too dangerous. I didn't have enough structure, and I wasn't able to do whatever I wanted. What did I do when I played on a trampoline as a kid? I played the booty-bump game. The objective was to get some lift off the trampoline, and then come sailing down, straight on your butt, at the same time as all the other people you were with. The objective was to see what the trampoline would do with weight displacement; whoever got the odd end of the displacement would get launched in an odd direction, usually sideways. So if you were the one who went flying in a weird direction and landing on your face, you were the loser. I made this game up for all my friends, because I wasn't having any fun just hopping around mindlessly. I was so bored with the lack of structure, that I built a structure by myself like some crazed childhood architect!
Another point... the village game! This came from a different game, called the people game, which I'll explain first. The people game was a game I played with my friends, particularly Noah, Trevor, Ethan, and a bit with Travis when he showed up. This was another game crafted by me, and it was my reaction to being surrounded by epic fairy-tale fantasies and video games like Final Fantasy. I had tons of action figures, and we would each individually pick our favourites, and then act out our own sort of epic story. There would be a bad guy, and little bad guys to fight, and our "world" would be the inside of my house; different floors were different landscapes (the white carpet was a tundra, the light brown a desert), while the chairs, tables, walls, beds, they were our characters buildings! It was a massive feat of creativity, but only fun to a point, considering we were all kids, and our imagination went only so far; with our improvisation, our story would never really climax, and we'd get bored.
So instead, I made "the village game." This is my issue with structure again. There wasn't enough structure in "the people game," and we had no way of fixing the structure. So me, in my infinite genius, I'm sure, rejected all structure. The village game worked more akin to a giant version of monopoly mixed with a lesson in politics and economics than it did with a game. whoever was playing would each assume a room in the house (the same rules for landscape applied). The living room was always the really populated city, with an airport, and lots of fancy buildings, and a TV station, and the neighbours were across the kitchen (which had linoleum floors, so it was an ocean), with the other big city. And basically, we would travel around, have wars with each other, buy things with monopoly money. We'd have functioning economies, auctions, etc. And we'd have to appease our population with amenities, such as international zoos, space stations, and other things. It was a thrilling experiment between us, especially because there were no rules. We did as we pleased, within our paper thin parameters. We made up rules as we went along: how to declare wars, what was legal or not. And the rules didn't matter, because we could break them if we wanted. We made up games on the spot, competitions, monster fights. We played all the time, and it was thrilling. A world we could make up for ourselves, however we saw fit. No rules; total freedom.
I really liked high school. Not necessarily because it was fun, or rewarding for me, because it wasn't either. The classes were boring and dumb, and I didn't take advantage of high school like I know I should have. I liked it because it was extremely structured, like school should be. You have to show up at a certain time; if you're consistently late, you are reprimanded appropriately with final exams. You go to every class, hour by hour, all day long, no exceptions. You go to the same classes every week, and learn the same thing from the same teachers, in the same way. You had lunch at the same time every day, and you left school at the same time everyday. I made average grades all throughout school. But now in college, that's not the case. There isn't hardly any structure: you make your own future, they always tell me. You select the classes you think you should take; there are classes you have to take, but you can't just take them in any order, and nobody explains which you need to take first. You schedule your own classes whenever you see fit; nobody tells you when to show up, so you could be there whenever, and it's not fixed at all. Sometimes you need books, sometimes you don't; sometimes the teacher lectures, sometimes they play around - sometimes they don't talk about the lesson at all. You pick a professor, but you'll probably only see them once. Class is optional, so you don't HAVE to come; nobody is forcing you.
There is structure in college, but not enough for me. Which explains my grade, and my mood. I don't enjoy college, because it just doesn't make sense in my head. And my grades fluctuate wildly for no reason, because I don't necessarily do the same thing every semester, every day, every time, in the same way. I need more structure, or more freedom, and college offers neither. Same with life in the United States. You want to do what you want, but society demands something more particular; you can't do what you want unless it's extremely productive. So you can't truly enjoy yourself without stressing yourself out. There's no freedom, yet not enough structure. Thus, I don't understand life here. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm not going anywhere with all this. Just thinking aloud. I wish I could live somewhere remote sometimes. Like lost in Africa, or out on a ranch on the great plains, or somewhere out of Reykjavík in Iceland. Somewhere, some place, where people don't expect much of you, and you're more free to go about your business. I'm not a needy person; truly, I'm modest and humble. I ask for a few friends, some time to write my stories, food, tea, electricity, and the internet. And a few general safety prerequisites that everyone deserves, like not getting shot or being able to be treated for any serious injuries. That's all I need to be happy, and I don't think that's particularly asking a lot. I just want to do my own thing, because the structure of this fast-paced modern society of ours is stressing me out and wearing me down. Like tire treads or a razor blade: I'm getting dulled. I need a replacement, or to be sharpened up a bit.
I'm tired, folks. Lots of stuff continues to happen. I'm glad I can write here honestly though. I've been spending far too much time on Omegle; it's comforting to speak as myself for once, to someone who isn't a stranger. I had a tasty salad. I spoke to Leslie recently. Life is stressful, but good.
I function best when given a lot of structure.
The only exception to this rule is when there is absolutely no structure at all.
I thought about it because I saw my neighbours, behind my house here. Their kids were playing on the trampoline, but they weren't doing anything particular. Just jumping. I couldn't ever do that when I was a kid, not for long. The rules of being on a trampoline are, "Go here, and jump around to have fun." That's the rules. But there weren't enough rules for me! And at the same time, I couldn't jump to other places, like swimming pools, because I'd get in trouble from parents; I couldn't jump from places like the roof for the same reason, too dangerous. I didn't have enough structure, and I wasn't able to do whatever I wanted. What did I do when I played on a trampoline as a kid? I played the booty-bump game. The objective was to get some lift off the trampoline, and then come sailing down, straight on your butt, at the same time as all the other people you were with. The objective was to see what the trampoline would do with weight displacement; whoever got the odd end of the displacement would get launched in an odd direction, usually sideways. So if you were the one who went flying in a weird direction and landing on your face, you were the loser. I made this game up for all my friends, because I wasn't having any fun just hopping around mindlessly. I was so bored with the lack of structure, that I built a structure by myself like some crazed childhood architect!
Another point... the village game! This came from a different game, called the people game, which I'll explain first. The people game was a game I played with my friends, particularly Noah, Trevor, Ethan, and a bit with Travis when he showed up. This was another game crafted by me, and it was my reaction to being surrounded by epic fairy-tale fantasies and video games like Final Fantasy. I had tons of action figures, and we would each individually pick our favourites, and then act out our own sort of epic story. There would be a bad guy, and little bad guys to fight, and our "world" would be the inside of my house; different floors were different landscapes (the white carpet was a tundra, the light brown a desert), while the chairs, tables, walls, beds, they were our characters buildings! It was a massive feat of creativity, but only fun to a point, considering we were all kids, and our imagination went only so far; with our improvisation, our story would never really climax, and we'd get bored.
So instead, I made "the village game." This is my issue with structure again. There wasn't enough structure in "the people game," and we had no way of fixing the structure. So me, in my infinite genius, I'm sure, rejected all structure. The village game worked more akin to a giant version of monopoly mixed with a lesson in politics and economics than it did with a game. whoever was playing would each assume a room in the house (the same rules for landscape applied). The living room was always the really populated city, with an airport, and lots of fancy buildings, and a TV station, and the neighbours were across the kitchen (which had linoleum floors, so it was an ocean), with the other big city. And basically, we would travel around, have wars with each other, buy things with monopoly money. We'd have functioning economies, auctions, etc. And we'd have to appease our population with amenities, such as international zoos, space stations, and other things. It was a thrilling experiment between us, especially because there were no rules. We did as we pleased, within our paper thin parameters. We made up rules as we went along: how to declare wars, what was legal or not. And the rules didn't matter, because we could break them if we wanted. We made up games on the spot, competitions, monster fights. We played all the time, and it was thrilling. A world we could make up for ourselves, however we saw fit. No rules; total freedom.
I really liked high school. Not necessarily because it was fun, or rewarding for me, because it wasn't either. The classes were boring and dumb, and I didn't take advantage of high school like I know I should have. I liked it because it was extremely structured, like school should be. You have to show up at a certain time; if you're consistently late, you are reprimanded appropriately with final exams. You go to every class, hour by hour, all day long, no exceptions. You go to the same classes every week, and learn the same thing from the same teachers, in the same way. You had lunch at the same time every day, and you left school at the same time everyday. I made average grades all throughout school. But now in college, that's not the case. There isn't hardly any structure: you make your own future, they always tell me. You select the classes you think you should take; there are classes you have to take, but you can't just take them in any order, and nobody explains which you need to take first. You schedule your own classes whenever you see fit; nobody tells you when to show up, so you could be there whenever, and it's not fixed at all. Sometimes you need books, sometimes you don't; sometimes the teacher lectures, sometimes they play around - sometimes they don't talk about the lesson at all. You pick a professor, but you'll probably only see them once. Class is optional, so you don't HAVE to come; nobody is forcing you.
There is structure in college, but not enough for me. Which explains my grade, and my mood. I don't enjoy college, because it just doesn't make sense in my head. And my grades fluctuate wildly for no reason, because I don't necessarily do the same thing every semester, every day, every time, in the same way. I need more structure, or more freedom, and college offers neither. Same with life in the United States. You want to do what you want, but society demands something more particular; you can't do what you want unless it's extremely productive. So you can't truly enjoy yourself without stressing yourself out. There's no freedom, yet not enough structure. Thus, I don't understand life here. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm not going anywhere with all this. Just thinking aloud. I wish I could live somewhere remote sometimes. Like lost in Africa, or out on a ranch on the great plains, or somewhere out of Reykjavík in Iceland. Somewhere, some place, where people don't expect much of you, and you're more free to go about your business. I'm not a needy person; truly, I'm modest and humble. I ask for a few friends, some time to write my stories, food, tea, electricity, and the internet. And a few general safety prerequisites that everyone deserves, like not getting shot or being able to be treated for any serious injuries. That's all I need to be happy, and I don't think that's particularly asking a lot. I just want to do my own thing, because the structure of this fast-paced modern society of ours is stressing me out and wearing me down. Like tire treads or a razor blade: I'm getting dulled. I need a replacement, or to be sharpened up a bit.
I'm tired, folks. Lots of stuff continues to happen. I'm glad I can write here honestly though. I've been spending far too much time on Omegle; it's comforting to speak as myself for once, to someone who isn't a stranger. I had a tasty salad. I spoke to Leslie recently. Life is stressful, but good.