Love to infinity
I never doubted even for a moment that he was my soulmate
We locked eyes at Burning Man, our spirits doing a little dance with each other until our bodies caught up. It was the stuff of pure magic. Being thrown into the deep end and swimming beautifully together, in the spirits of our full potential. We've been flailing in the kiddie pool since leaving La Playa... sometimes touching the floor isn't so great. so grounding. so serious. so sacrificing. so confused. so stoned. so frozen with our own fears of succumbing to our differences, frozen in space, frozen in denial. but not always, since it is us, and our roots are so pure and connected , we had so many moments of pure perfection. recreating this perfection meant, for us, sacrificing what we loved most- our alone ness. At the core we recognized our connectedness, our oneness, our purity and desire to learn-- which is why fighting tore our spirits apart.
Of course I don't want to be without josh. I always knew I never would. but I always suspected he would be the one who got away. Who was perfect in every way, but just not for me. Who will be a great teacher, and the one every poor schmuck after will have the misfortune of trying to live up to.
But it's not like I didn't know it. At the end of my bird's flight was one card: aloneness. Rest in the fullness of who you are right now. Who I am right now... full of light, full of potential, full of love.
I would love to dance and find the lessons of love with Josh, my very own infinity. I watched him transform before my eyes. And now I recognize that it might be time to feel him transform before my heart. He need to travel, he needs to create art, he needs to create great music, cultivate great ideas, burst out of the ceiling the genius that he is. And I've finally accepted that the complacent fear-based weight of this relationship won't let either of us thrive.
He is who he is. he isn't the type to change, but to root and grow stronger and better at being him. and he is the most intelligent man I've ever met. the most gorgeous man I've been with. The best lover I've ever ever been with. He's a man. strong, committed, grounded, loving, cuddly, responsible, thoughtful, comfortable to be around, skilled, and absolutely divinely spiritual. He is a spiritual being grappling with this human body, and with all of the dreams being passed to him from his ancestors and his past. I love him for all his traits and how he was the one who reminded me of the beauty of mind. I got so swept up in feeling, in heart, in intuition, I forgot how important this brain is too. How important it is to think of each step, to assign order to chaos, to have expectations, and to show up.
We broke up even though I still absolutely believe in the dream. I still think we may live happily ever, because it is a vision I've had since meeting him. Having babies, making a nest, growing old. but all these things are in my distant future, and he deserves to have them with the best possible person who brings out his most highest potential. I've always known I was going to be a woman, well into my thirties, before having my first baby. And he is 31, already expressing desire to do it sooner. He just started his career, and will continue to become more and more grounded into a life I know nothing about.
and I will continue to probably feel more and more overwhelmed with this paradigm, this destruction of community and our roots. I will do the best I can in helping the pain and suffering, but eventually- I will fully rebel from the controlling distraction of technology, media, complacence. and I have a feeling that this won't be my first or last break up in which I choose our own individual greatness over staying together. Just because it was worth it, does not mean it should last.
I know his virtues are true, and absolutely valuable.
but I cannot hold space for all the things that I find lacking. I need to fly free, express myself, talk to whomever, and I felt being in a relationship to be a struggle that I desperately didn't want. I wanted so badly to just slip into that role, and especially since I never wanted to be with anyone else . But living in fear of disappointing someone.... I needed to be free of this paradigm.
In his eyes, I was trying to change him. In my eyes, of course I want him to live up to his highest, most loving potential. If breaking a habit, even momentarily, may mean it's better for your body, your spirit, your karma, why not do it? and as much as I tried to accept him, and not nag him, I felt the separation of the smallest values that were very important to me. Holding your own space, fitting in anywhere, loving every creature through all your actions. Being positive, being optimistic, having fits of laughter... they are all important to me, and I too often felt I was overcompensating in these traits to make up for what he lacked. and then eventually, "fuck it. bring your own damn happiness to the table." which meant not even being happy for myself, because I was too caught up in not wanting our differences to tear us apart, yet obsessing about them at the same time.
When he suggested couple's therapy, I knew he would never leave me. couples therapy isn't to help them stay together, it's to help them leave. and I do not need another person to make me realize how much I love this man, enough to walk away, enough to set us both free from the chains of patterns. Nobody has to tell me how to respect him, because he deserves everything I could give him. every ounce of love and respect I could muster up for his beautiful soul, he has it. I am thankful for a mature and amicable break up, and am grateful to all the stars for bringing him into my life. But nothing is more annoying than a girl who doesn't know what she wants. I know now.
I need to be:
happy and laughing every day.
sexual. and feeling the freedom to express this.
with someone who feels I am supporting their greatness, not stiffling it.
with someone who can absolutely hold their own space, and doesn't need a thing for me.
He never needed me, and I never needed him. In fact, relationships are nerve-wracking and I could feel it. I didn't want anybody, but I was still terrified that I would somehow ruin it. maybe my next one should be an open relationship?
He said he didn't know why he couldn't learn from me anymore. and i knew why. but how could i explain it without feeling like im faulting him. and why would I want to be with someone who doesnt' want to learn from me anyway? I knew this relationship was not working, and needed change, but I actually thought we were doing better. when i realized he feels I want to change him, that he can't learn from me, and that he felt we needed couples therapy to work this out... I knew it was time to bow out as gracefully as possible. I cant change someone, I know that. I'm a yoga teacher with a stubborn corporate tech genius, who knows everything and is just going to grow stronger in it. Later, He said I taught him unconditional love and how not to be begrudging toward everybody who has hurt him. and if that's what i taught him... hell, what more can I ask for?! that's a beautiful gift to add to his life, and I absolutely cannot want anything for him but the best.
I often felt like a trainwreck next to him. and now I'm remembering that I am amazing, and full of light , and wanting to take over the world. I hear the gypsy bells often, and wondered if my issues with him had nothing to do with him... and everything to do with the fact that I was ignoring my gypsy bells. trading them in for comfort and pretending to lead a normal life. knowing that i'm not normal, I can have anything I want, and It's time to fucking choose.
Maybe my dream with come true with him. We will get what we need, grow, be the best in our own spirits, and then see if they want to dance again.
But a part of me knows i'll transform back into a leaf, and he will marry the next girl he meets... carry on his 9-5, become wildly successful while also pursuing his amazing side projects, but start a family, a life, vacation a few times a year at best, and remember the time he dated that wild exotic erotic hippie mirage.
and i hope that he'll remember that he holds a part of my heart in his chest. and I hope he recognized that our story is fucking perfect and fits into the scheme of life exactly as it was supposed to. that both of us are golden and not flawed at all.
We locked eyes at Burning Man, our spirits doing a little dance with each other until our bodies caught up. It was the stuff of pure magic. Being thrown into the deep end and swimming beautifully together, in the spirits of our full potential. We've been flailing in the kiddie pool since leaving La Playa... sometimes touching the floor isn't so great. so grounding. so serious. so sacrificing. so confused. so stoned. so frozen with our own fears of succumbing to our differences, frozen in space, frozen in denial. but not always, since it is us, and our roots are so pure and connected , we had so many moments of pure perfection. recreating this perfection meant, for us, sacrificing what we loved most- our alone ness. At the core we recognized our connectedness, our oneness, our purity and desire to learn-- which is why fighting tore our spirits apart.
Of course I don't want to be without josh. I always knew I never would. but I always suspected he would be the one who got away. Who was perfect in every way, but just not for me. Who will be a great teacher, and the one every poor schmuck after will have the misfortune of trying to live up to.
But it's not like I didn't know it. At the end of my bird's flight was one card: aloneness. Rest in the fullness of who you are right now. Who I am right now... full of light, full of potential, full of love.
I would love to dance and find the lessons of love with Josh, my very own infinity. I watched him transform before my eyes. And now I recognize that it might be time to feel him transform before my heart. He need to travel, he needs to create art, he needs to create great music, cultivate great ideas, burst out of the ceiling the genius that he is. And I've finally accepted that the complacent fear-based weight of this relationship won't let either of us thrive.
He is who he is. he isn't the type to change, but to root and grow stronger and better at being him. and he is the most intelligent man I've ever met. the most gorgeous man I've been with. The best lover I've ever ever been with. He's a man. strong, committed, grounded, loving, cuddly, responsible, thoughtful, comfortable to be around, skilled, and absolutely divinely spiritual. He is a spiritual being grappling with this human body, and with all of the dreams being passed to him from his ancestors and his past. I love him for all his traits and how he was the one who reminded me of the beauty of mind. I got so swept up in feeling, in heart, in intuition, I forgot how important this brain is too. How important it is to think of each step, to assign order to chaos, to have expectations, and to show up.
We broke up even though I still absolutely believe in the dream. I still think we may live happily ever, because it is a vision I've had since meeting him. Having babies, making a nest, growing old. but all these things are in my distant future, and he deserves to have them with the best possible person who brings out his most highest potential. I've always known I was going to be a woman, well into my thirties, before having my first baby. And he is 31, already expressing desire to do it sooner. He just started his career, and will continue to become more and more grounded into a life I know nothing about.
and I will continue to probably feel more and more overwhelmed with this paradigm, this destruction of community and our roots. I will do the best I can in helping the pain and suffering, but eventually- I will fully rebel from the controlling distraction of technology, media, complacence. and I have a feeling that this won't be my first or last break up in which I choose our own individual greatness over staying together. Just because it was worth it, does not mean it should last.
I know his virtues are true, and absolutely valuable.
but I cannot hold space for all the things that I find lacking. I need to fly free, express myself, talk to whomever, and I felt being in a relationship to be a struggle that I desperately didn't want. I wanted so badly to just slip into that role, and especially since I never wanted to be with anyone else . But living in fear of disappointing someone.... I needed to be free of this paradigm.
In his eyes, I was trying to change him. In my eyes, of course I want him to live up to his highest, most loving potential. If breaking a habit, even momentarily, may mean it's better for your body, your spirit, your karma, why not do it? and as much as I tried to accept him, and not nag him, I felt the separation of the smallest values that were very important to me. Holding your own space, fitting in anywhere, loving every creature through all your actions. Being positive, being optimistic, having fits of laughter... they are all important to me, and I too often felt I was overcompensating in these traits to make up for what he lacked. and then eventually, "fuck it. bring your own damn happiness to the table." which meant not even being happy for myself, because I was too caught up in not wanting our differences to tear us apart, yet obsessing about them at the same time.
When he suggested couple's therapy, I knew he would never leave me. couples therapy isn't to help them stay together, it's to help them leave. and I do not need another person to make me realize how much I love this man, enough to walk away, enough to set us both free from the chains of patterns. Nobody has to tell me how to respect him, because he deserves everything I could give him. every ounce of love and respect I could muster up for his beautiful soul, he has it. I am thankful for a mature and amicable break up, and am grateful to all the stars for bringing him into my life. But nothing is more annoying than a girl who doesn't know what she wants. I know now.
I need to be:
happy and laughing every day.
sexual. and feeling the freedom to express this.
with someone who feels I am supporting their greatness, not stiffling it.
with someone who can absolutely hold their own space, and doesn't need a thing for me.
He never needed me, and I never needed him. In fact, relationships are nerve-wracking and I could feel it. I didn't want anybody, but I was still terrified that I would somehow ruin it. maybe my next one should be an open relationship?
He said he didn't know why he couldn't learn from me anymore. and i knew why. but how could i explain it without feeling like im faulting him. and why would I want to be with someone who doesnt' want to learn from me anyway? I knew this relationship was not working, and needed change, but I actually thought we were doing better. when i realized he feels I want to change him, that he can't learn from me, and that he felt we needed couples therapy to work this out... I knew it was time to bow out as gracefully as possible. I cant change someone, I know that. I'm a yoga teacher with a stubborn corporate tech genius, who knows everything and is just going to grow stronger in it. Later, He said I taught him unconditional love and how not to be begrudging toward everybody who has hurt him. and if that's what i taught him... hell, what more can I ask for?! that's a beautiful gift to add to his life, and I absolutely cannot want anything for him but the best.
I often felt like a trainwreck next to him. and now I'm remembering that I am amazing, and full of light , and wanting to take over the world. I hear the gypsy bells often, and wondered if my issues with him had nothing to do with him... and everything to do with the fact that I was ignoring my gypsy bells. trading them in for comfort and pretending to lead a normal life. knowing that i'm not normal, I can have anything I want, and It's time to fucking choose.
Maybe my dream with come true with him. We will get what we need, grow, be the best in our own spirits, and then see if they want to dance again.
But a part of me knows i'll transform back into a leaf, and he will marry the next girl he meets... carry on his 9-5, become wildly successful while also pursuing his amazing side projects, but start a family, a life, vacation a few times a year at best, and remember the time he dated that wild exotic erotic hippie mirage.
and i hope that he'll remember that he holds a part of my heart in his chest. and I hope he recognized that our story is fucking perfect and fits into the scheme of life exactly as it was supposed to. that both of us are golden and not flawed at all.