Private Entry
I do not like to write down my thoughts.
I enjoy writing but having something that personal lying about for someone to steal in Falena would have been nothing more than a liability. I should take the fact that I feel comfortable enough to do so now as a good sign. I wish I could speak to I would prefer to talk to someone about these things, but it would just be a show of weakne burden on them.
I've found myself stuck in a limbo. I suppose I have been since arriving but this is the first time it has felt like it.
When I arrived, this place was like a dream. Ferid and I were alive, and I got to see my children grown up. It was so wonderful. My Lymsleia was a beautiful young queen and... Ferid had forgiven me. It was like that place Ferid and I would joke about; leaving all of the responsibility behind and just being together with our children. I still wish we could have had that, or that it had lasted longer. Everything was so perfect I could have easily believed it to be the afterlife.
And then they were gone...I still didn't feel like it was a limbo, perhaps because I didn't have enough time to process it before the sun rune awoke. Of everything that happened, I think that was the first time since being brought back that I felt like I was actually alive. It wasn't some strange dream, I was here, the problems were real, and I was the one who had to respond to them. I could spend days ruminating and apologizing for everything that happened during those terrible months. There should have been a greater punishment; but still it is amazing how Cecile didn't even think about rank when handing out my sentence. That a place like that could actually exist, it was a wonderful thing to see, even if it did catch me a bit off-guard.
It also made me wonder... could I no longer be a Queen? How much do others really believe all are equal here? If they did I would willingly throw off my crown, or rather put it on a shelf and forget that it existed. Falena does not need me now, they have a fine Queen in Lymsleia. Even if I want to, my continued aid would only cause grief.
But the same solution is not so easy here. If there were no Falenan's it would be easy...or rather, if there were no Queen's Knights. The conversation with Kyle so many months ago; how adamant he was that he be allowed to remain a Queen's Knight, that I not disband them. It is so important to him, which I can understand. It was not something he was born into, it was a rank he worked hard for.
And then there is Alenia. I gave back her rank as a way to keep an eye on her. It may be cruel to use guilt in this way to keep her in line, but I cannot fully trust her still, though I still feel responsible for her actions as I do for any child of Falena. Also to remove the title again...I cannot trust what she would do if that were to happen. If I were to remove this symbolic authority from myself I would lose any leverage. Without a Queen there are no Queen's knights after all.
And of course there is the Sun rune. For whatever reason it came with me, which means it is still my duty to protect it. It is interesting to have it so near but not attached, for lack of a better word. I doubt I could describe it, and if I could few would understand. I can still feel the effects of it's removal. Like there is a hole where it was attached, and I can feel bits of me leaking from it. ::the statue with the sun rune in it glows slightly behind her::
No more thinking about such things. The rune's hum is bad enough without provocation. I can only hope that leaving the room will continue to keep it silent.
With all of this, where am I left? I enjoyed planting those flowers, but as I expected it caused a bit of a stir, though smaller since I was able to assuage Alenia that it was my decision. To be able to travel if I wish, or even be able to react when frightened. ...I still need to speak with Bob about that incident. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but the blood and the sight...it was too much like ::the glow returns:: ...no. It was a misunderstanding, and I must now repair the thoughts some might have of me.
I suppose that must be my decision. I know any authority I have here is purely symbolic, but symbols are important. The symbol may be the crown but it means nothing if it is not on a person. If I can do anything to keep other's away from the sun rune, or to allow others to maintain a sense of self then I will.
See child, I have considered these things
((ooc:I've been loosing Arshtat lately, in large part because of the limbo she's in >.> To the point of I wouldn't be surprised if I've been making some mistakes. If anyone has any concrit/comments about my characterization or what I should do with her I'd really love to hear it. I've screened comments since I disabled anonymous comments during the drama. Anything would be appreciated! Thanks))