I'm also working on a slash bit for Loki/Tony
And I am 21 pages in, according to google documents. Holy shit. Those pages have been proofread, at least, the one time, and a friend's read them. I may be adding more to it tomorrow; I had a serious fucking breakdown last night so creativity just isn't with me tonight and I don't want to fuck it up.
Apparently all it took was the Avengers coming out to make me want to write fanfic again.
Apparently all it took was the idea of people telling my boyfriend we should get married or he's basically wasting his life to make me freak the fuck out, break up with him, and come completely unglued.
Apparently most people think that any thing that is me is basically my depression talking too, which is a thing I do not fucking appreciate, either.
Because I'm an asshole and bad with relationships even when I'm not deppressed. I mean, I know I'm depressed basically ALWAYS to some extent, but I make my shit work.
I really do. In spite of, in the truest sense of those words. Most of my life is a big fuck you to brain chemistry and terrible things.
But it's a lot.
It's a lot to work through. Balancing two jobs, an emotional and needy boyfriend, a garden, several pets, and also attempting shit like the gym so that I don't, oh, fucking starve myself again or cut or whatever in self hate... it's a lot of fucking work. It's a lot of work and it isn't like I have a financial cushion or medication or even, you know, a stable mindset to work with this shit.
As it stands I'm not entirely SURE where we stand other than stepped way the fuck back. Because I can't deal.
I'll admit that I'm a terrible fucking asshole about this.
I'll admit I lie about my feelings.
I'll admit that I'm not stable.
So I just throw myself into writing lately. Reading.
Music.
I've basically run away from the SJ communities I was in, because having people tell other people how to kill themselves, ridicule anorexic girls, or basically tell others that they're worthless for not agreeing are just not things that I can deal with in a healthy way. I also can't deal with the passive aggressive snideness about allies not just letting people pile bullshit on them.
You shouldn't use your allies to hang your shit, like some safe non combative doormat. That's not okay.
I don't do that. I try really hard not to do that to the men or straight people in my life. That's not what they are there for.
And I can't handle it.
Maybe I AM a shitty person
But for this moment I'm a shitty, honest person, and I'd rather put energy into things that don't make me want to kill myself.
It doesn't mean I'm not an ally. It just means for the time being I don't have the fucking spoons/chainsaws/whatever fucking twee metaphor you want here/ to 'show up' in an echo chamber where there is no discourse or allowance of nuance.
And yo, this crazy queer bitch needs a few fucking allies herself, because I'm really goddamn tired of people telling me I'll just get over this, that I'm being 'too hard' on myself, or that I just need to smile, or oh, you know, assuming I'm straight now.
Or telling me I'm too WHATEVER to self injure, cos yo we all know, THAT line works, doesn't it?
OR guilting me for attempting safe weight loss.
Gods forbid.
I just don't have the mental strength to deal with other people's projected bullshit and bitterness right now.
And right now I don't care if that's a cop out, cos fuck you, I'm just trying not to cut my wrists open again ok? It's been ten years, let's fuckin' try and get health insurance before I slip that bad.
Apparently all it took was the Avengers coming out to make me want to write fanfic again.
Apparently all it took was the idea of people telling my boyfriend we should get married or he's basically wasting his life to make me freak the fuck out, break up with him, and come completely unglued.
Apparently most people think that any thing that is me is basically my depression talking too, which is a thing I do not fucking appreciate, either.
Because I'm an asshole and bad with relationships even when I'm not deppressed. I mean, I know I'm depressed basically ALWAYS to some extent, but I make my shit work.
I really do. In spite of, in the truest sense of those words. Most of my life is a big fuck you to brain chemistry and terrible things.
But it's a lot.
It's a lot to work through. Balancing two jobs, an emotional and needy boyfriend, a garden, several pets, and also attempting shit like the gym so that I don't, oh, fucking starve myself again or cut or whatever in self hate... it's a lot of fucking work. It's a lot of work and it isn't like I have a financial cushion or medication or even, you know, a stable mindset to work with this shit.
As it stands I'm not entirely SURE where we stand other than stepped way the fuck back. Because I can't deal.
I'll admit that I'm a terrible fucking asshole about this.
I'll admit I lie about my feelings.
I'll admit that I'm not stable.
So I just throw myself into writing lately. Reading.
Music.
I've basically run away from the SJ communities I was in, because having people tell other people how to kill themselves, ridicule anorexic girls, or basically tell others that they're worthless for not agreeing are just not things that I can deal with in a healthy way. I also can't deal with the passive aggressive snideness about allies not just letting people pile bullshit on them.
You shouldn't use your allies to hang your shit, like some safe non combative doormat. That's not okay.
I don't do that. I try really hard not to do that to the men or straight people in my life. That's not what they are there for.
And I can't handle it.
Maybe I AM a shitty person
But for this moment I'm a shitty, honest person, and I'd rather put energy into things that don't make me want to kill myself.
It doesn't mean I'm not an ally. It just means for the time being I don't have the fucking spoons/chainsaws/whatever fucking twee metaphor you want here/ to 'show up' in an echo chamber where there is no discourse or allowance of nuance.
And yo, this crazy queer bitch needs a few fucking allies herself, because I'm really goddamn tired of people telling me I'll just get over this, that I'm being 'too hard' on myself, or that I just need to smile, or oh, you know, assuming I'm straight now.
Or telling me I'm too WHATEVER to self injure, cos yo we all know, THAT line works, doesn't it?
OR guilting me for attempting safe weight loss.
Gods forbid.
I just don't have the mental strength to deal with other people's projected bullshit and bitterness right now.
And right now I don't care if that's a cop out, cos fuck you, I'm just trying not to cut my wrists open again ok? It's been ten years, let's fuckin' try and get health insurance before I slip that bad.