written this morning but never posted.
the show was amazingly horrible or... actually.. it would probably be more horribly amazing.
when jasper played (what in my opinion was one of his greatest sets ive ever seen with the only problem being it was way too short), the sound was perfect. the vagabonds and sevenstar, who i didnt get to watch since i spent that whole time at the bar trying to get a sprite, sounded alright. as soon as def jux took the stage, it went awful. cage was feedback. aesop, lif and el all became distorted muffle bass tones. plus it seemed every set was like 14 hours and 36 minutes and i still havent had time to do a lot of sleeping in the last few days, so leaving at close to four was not what i was wanting.
now its 11:49 and i just woke up and took a shower and am having the hardest time even moving to get ready for whole foods at 1 let alone try and figure out a way to communicate with journeys about why i didnt go in this morning like i told my boss i would (which was already a problem to begin with). fuck, man.
at least this time around im learning how exactly i exhaust and burn myself out. "id rather burn out then just fade away" i suppose. but then again, im currently thinking it would be nice to end up doing neither kind of like.. how come no one ever thought of: live fast, die never as being a good motto?
im just fucking tired. and need some serious time to just veg out and not think or deal with anyone. thats all i really need. yea, funny.. i had that the other night and totally fucked that up. there definitely needs to be more comfort.
if im gonna work myself to the bone, i gotta make sure there's plenty of meat and muscle to support those bones. i gotta make sure my lungs are more useful than a deflated whoopie cushion. i gotta make sure... shit, a lot of things. and ive been slacking...slacking on my own fucking self who im starting to realize ive become completely oblivious to in search of trying to figure it all out. always figuring out everything. always analyzing. always. always. always. even when i "stop" im analyze how im doing that and what stopping means. its like riding through a twisty straw that never ends waiting to hit the cyanide at the bottom of the cup to drown in.. yea, blah blah blah, it all seems a bit overdramatic, i know; fuck yourself.
everybody knows it all. just remember that. you think you're getting away with things but you never really are. at least one person has got you completely figured out... and the more you surround yourself with, the more they will find out. thats the cost. this is why im wiping my slate clean. this is why i want nothing to hide. everybody always thinks they're finding love, but true love has no secrets. ever.
sometimes its for that reason, and that reason alone, that i feel there's never been love in my life... and the love there was, it was much easier to turn a blind eye to it. a double standard it may seem, but in reality i think its more defense mechanisms. the last few years have found me in relationships with girls who seem to be the same... and then its like the great wall of china spending all his time with the berlin wall. at first i get upset like, why wasnt i more open and more myself.. then eventually its why weren't we? thats not what i need anymore. thats not what im looking for. and im not all trying to be like "its time to get serious" and have a house and 9 kids by february but, i dont see the point in bullshit anymore, at all, at any level. why would i want that? all i want is to fill my time with the people and things that, if i dont love right now, i definitely can see it working in that direction. and im finding it, and its here and ultimately i see my life going the right path to all the things i always talked shit about having and wanting to do as a kid and thats kind of cool. i just keep fiding a way to leave the backdoor open for shit to find its way in. shit should be finding its way out the backdoor, right?
so yea. who knows.. im probably gonna get all dashboard confessional (i was actually thinking a bit more lou barlow/sebadoh but admit dashboard is more fun to say) for a while with these livejournals and just in general because as far as the people that seem real to me, im getting tired of misinterpretations that are mainly caused by me not being able to say what i really want to say. that and im just fucking busy and am going to remain that way, and thats just how its gonna be. whoever cant handle that this time should not be allowed in close.
so. um. thats it i guess. not much else to say except
if you want to buy me a christmas present i really want the radiohead dvd most gigantic lying mouth of all time
and the ramones documentary, end of the century: the story of the ramones... oh yea, and rock n' roll high school would be sweet too. if more than one person gets me the same thing, thats cool.. i could always trade it in for something else... or hock it for some crack money.
when jasper played (what in my opinion was one of his greatest sets ive ever seen with the only problem being it was way too short), the sound was perfect. the vagabonds and sevenstar, who i didnt get to watch since i spent that whole time at the bar trying to get a sprite, sounded alright. as soon as def jux took the stage, it went awful. cage was feedback. aesop, lif and el all became distorted muffle bass tones. plus it seemed every set was like 14 hours and 36 minutes and i still havent had time to do a lot of sleeping in the last few days, so leaving at close to four was not what i was wanting.
now its 11:49 and i just woke up and took a shower and am having the hardest time even moving to get ready for whole foods at 1 let alone try and figure out a way to communicate with journeys about why i didnt go in this morning like i told my boss i would (which was already a problem to begin with). fuck, man.
at least this time around im learning how exactly i exhaust and burn myself out. "id rather burn out then just fade away" i suppose. but then again, im currently thinking it would be nice to end up doing neither kind of like.. how come no one ever thought of: live fast, die never as being a good motto?
im just fucking tired. and need some serious time to just veg out and not think or deal with anyone. thats all i really need. yea, funny.. i had that the other night and totally fucked that up. there definitely needs to be more comfort.
if im gonna work myself to the bone, i gotta make sure there's plenty of meat and muscle to support those bones. i gotta make sure my lungs are more useful than a deflated whoopie cushion. i gotta make sure... shit, a lot of things. and ive been slacking...slacking on my own fucking self who im starting to realize ive become completely oblivious to in search of trying to figure it all out. always figuring out everything. always analyzing. always. always. always. even when i "stop" im analyze how im doing that and what stopping means. its like riding through a twisty straw that never ends waiting to hit the cyanide at the bottom of the cup to drown in.. yea, blah blah blah, it all seems a bit overdramatic, i know; fuck yourself.
everybody knows it all. just remember that. you think you're getting away with things but you never really are. at least one person has got you completely figured out... and the more you surround yourself with, the more they will find out. thats the cost. this is why im wiping my slate clean. this is why i want nothing to hide. everybody always thinks they're finding love, but true love has no secrets. ever.
sometimes its for that reason, and that reason alone, that i feel there's never been love in my life... and the love there was, it was much easier to turn a blind eye to it. a double standard it may seem, but in reality i think its more defense mechanisms. the last few years have found me in relationships with girls who seem to be the same... and then its like the great wall of china spending all his time with the berlin wall. at first i get upset like, why wasnt i more open and more myself.. then eventually its why weren't we? thats not what i need anymore. thats not what im looking for. and im not all trying to be like "its time to get serious" and have a house and 9 kids by february but, i dont see the point in bullshit anymore, at all, at any level. why would i want that? all i want is to fill my time with the people and things that, if i dont love right now, i definitely can see it working in that direction. and im finding it, and its here and ultimately i see my life going the right path to all the things i always talked shit about having and wanting to do as a kid and thats kind of cool. i just keep fiding a way to leave the backdoor open for shit to find its way in. shit should be finding its way out the backdoor, right?
so yea. who knows.. im probably gonna get all dashboard confessional (i was actually thinking a bit more lou barlow/sebadoh but admit dashboard is more fun to say) for a while with these livejournals and just in general because as far as the people that seem real to me, im getting tired of misinterpretations that are mainly caused by me not being able to say what i really want to say. that and im just fucking busy and am going to remain that way, and thats just how its gonna be. whoever cant handle that this time should not be allowed in close.
so. um. thats it i guess. not much else to say except
if you want to buy me a christmas present i really want the radiohead dvd most gigantic lying mouth of all time
and the ramones documentary, end of the century: the story of the ramones... oh yea, and rock n' roll high school would be sweet too. if more than one person gets me the same thing, thats cool.. i could always trade it in for something else... or hock it for some crack money.