Hurt and desperately alone in my thoughts
you know what is worse than the cheating, the lying, the screaming, the frustration, the crying, the bitching??....indifference.
Living day to day without any motivation, hopes or dreams....that is the hardest thing...and then when you have people who just trample over your ideas....why am i still even here...hanging on to this? No matter how I look at it, its never going to be better because I am, in their perception, an insignificant little shit whose only emotion that is ever revealed is pure anger and frustration. I dont know why I cant never be happy..like truly fucking happy about anything. Every time something "good" happens to me I take it for granted for fear that it will be taken away like it always does in the end, so that I wont become fixed on it. So I think its safe to say that I never have enjoyed anything in my life. Not my relationships, not my own personal life, not my family....
Maybe if i valued life a little more I would have cried my ass off the day of the robbery. Everyone tells me..you were so brave..blah blah..but honestly...i can care less what happens to me...I was never really ever scared...it was like an every day transaction to me. Thinking about it logically, it even surprises me that I reacted that way and not in any other day knowing that I do freak out about other relatively insignificant things. And maybe thats where I am wrong...I freak out about the little things. But then again, they criticize others for overlooking the little things.
I just dont want to deal with this anymore...its easier to walk away...but its not even about it being easy...its about the fact that their is no mending to be done because I see how its going to be...and for my sake...if I dont value myself noone ever will.
Living day to day without any motivation, hopes or dreams....that is the hardest thing...and then when you have people who just trample over your ideas....why am i still even here...hanging on to this? No matter how I look at it, its never going to be better because I am, in their perception, an insignificant little shit whose only emotion that is ever revealed is pure anger and frustration. I dont know why I cant never be happy..like truly fucking happy about anything. Every time something "good" happens to me I take it for granted for fear that it will be taken away like it always does in the end, so that I wont become fixed on it. So I think its safe to say that I never have enjoyed anything in my life. Not my relationships, not my own personal life, not my family....
Maybe if i valued life a little more I would have cried my ass off the day of the robbery. Everyone tells me..you were so brave..blah blah..but honestly...i can care less what happens to me...I was never really ever scared...it was like an every day transaction to me. Thinking about it logically, it even surprises me that I reacted that way and not in any other day knowing that I do freak out about other relatively insignificant things. And maybe thats where I am wrong...I freak out about the little things. But then again, they criticize others for overlooking the little things.
I just dont want to deal with this anymore...its easier to walk away...but its not even about it being easy...its about the fact that their is no mending to be done because I see how its going to be...and for my sake...if I dont value myself noone ever will.