good time to go private! =P
So, it's the morning before my 23rd Valentines day, and I am usually either freaking out about what to buy whoever I'm lying with, or hella depressed. But no, I'm single, and happy as can be. For the first time in my life, I've started to make decisions for myself, with consideration of those around me, of course, but mainly focused on myself. I'm realizing that I love music more than life, I love to work and be active, even if I smoke TONS of pot, and I am a very hard worker and am making things happen on my own. I've been planning on hopping around and moving here and there, and slowly but surely, I'm getting closer to where I need to be. Something is drawing me from somewhere so deep I can't describe it. It's like... There's this tiny little string always right in front of me, kind of shooting out of my stomache that's barely visible, but it's leading my way It pulls me out of bed in the morning, drags me to my shower. Even on my days off. Even if I've stayed up until five. Like tonight. It pulls me in and out of social circles, brings me to concerts, and lies me next to people while all I do is stare at my guitar, just wanting to play but being held back all night as an attempt to socialize. Basically, I'm tuggin that string tonight. My fears have held me back from doing a lot of shit I really need to do, and I can only attack these problems one at a time. First, I need to take better care of myself, go see a doctor, cause I'm sure I have tons of shit wrong with me. Oh, and no insurance as well. Next is improve my surroundings to a more secluded, more proactive and positive environment. Each day I seem to grow a little, and it isn't like this place I'm at isn't so bad, I've just outgrown it. So I need to find another place, by myself, where I can truly thrive. Is it in the PHX? I'm not quite sure... If I could get accepted to an awesome school somewhere I know I'd move in a hearbeat. Come back for holiday's and MAYBE summers haha, but just see what that has to offer me. If that's not my path, then I'll go down another. I've definitely been taking more risks lately in my personal life. Not dating, focusing on friends, finally seeing snow, going snowboarding for the first time on Monday actually. But NOW is definitely time to take those other risks that REALLY scare the shit out of me. Change. Like MAJOR change. Like even potentially leaving everything I've ever known to chase this random string shooting outta my tum, ha. Going outside of my confort zone, yet being comfortable and always myself. However the fuck I do that I have no clue, but this drive inside is just propelling me to do this, to make something of myself, to have a voice and have it be heard. I used to have to deal with the thought of suicide, now I deal with the thought of constantly being truly ALIVE and happy. Taking the steps to get there. Anyways, pretty much every night I fall asleep wondering what the hell I'm doing. Have I really got myself into this situation? Though doubtedly it's the best situation I've ever been in, but still, I'm way behind on my goals. So much shit has held me back, but I've got to get my SHIT together, get the hell outta this town and start doing what I need to do to really make this Band idea seriously. I know for a fact I've got the potential to be something inspiring... Something powerful... something beautiful. Something that would make people want to change just as I've been touched and changed to random artists that I admire. Like Andrew McMahon, Conor Oberst, Kevin Devine, Bryce Avary, Chris Martin, Justin Nozuka, Dallas Green, Damien RIce, Nick Drake, Chris Carraba (circa 00-04), and the list could go on and on. I pretty much owe my life to these guys, their voices, their ideas, their lyrics, their lives. Now it's my time to give back what they've given me, and I am going to learn how to tell as many people my message, to make as many people experience what I've experienced through music, and inspire people like myself to live a life worth living. Some confidence would help, but I think that's gonna come with time. For now, I just gotta do me. Or find me. It's a long and beautiful path, and I'm ready to trek on.... well shit. I should probably go to bed now. Enough rediculous philosophying for now! If that's even a word! Ah. Ironically enough it's 4:20..... Maybe sleep is step 2... haha NIIIGHT LIVEJOURNAL
<3,
Marshall
<3,
Marshall