Sometimes the Moleskine isn't Enough.
And thus I update the LJ. One of the more permanent elements of my nature is ambivalence (it is alongside "intensity" and, though these 2 I'm not completely convinced of yet, "naivety" and "curiosity"). I feel so frustrated all the time. It's one of the most common emotions I feel, I would say. It isn't the sort of frustration I feel when I am incapable. That sort of frustration comes rarely and (naturally) in intense spurts; "why can't I play this passage", "why couldn't I have just woken up on time". No, the frustration I associate with my day-to-day life is the irreconcilability of many of my feelings with my intellect. Case in point: I'm finding it extraordinarily frustrating to attempt to reconcile my desire (really a need in terms of psychological well-being) for social acceptance with my generally introverted nature. I'm happy to spend my time reading Sartre, playing horn, and composing... I just wish someone were doing these things with me. My interested in popular culture only extends as far as my interest in the people that I associate it with. I will definitely familiarize myself with popular culture (TV, movies, novels, blogs etc.) if I want to feel accepted by a certain person/group or if I want to feel better prepared when entering a social situation of a predictable cultural background. But here is a fact: if I am left to my own devices, I am only interested in popular culture as it demonstrates manifestations of underlying cultural values. This takes very little research, and can actually be garnered largely from the Daily Show and a few news podcasts. As we know, the fact of what is reported is evidence of what is valued in society. Anyway, I can't seem to be myself in social situations because "myself", as I feel most comfortable, is alone. This doesn't change my inherent desire to be near people I like. Sure, it's natural to want to be around people you like, but it's also natural to be drawn to people with similar interests. I sure am drawn to people with similar interests (my friends Eric and Jack come to mind most immediately), but there just aren't that many people that are into what I'm into. Gigi, as the best friend in the world, is interested in what interests me because she loves me, but (and no offense, of course), it's not the same as having a friend, group of friends, or significant other that is interested in sitting around and doing the same things I do. And how do I find these people? I'm in a job/college-like setting now. It's not like I have the option to make new friends in philosophy class or boldly approach a stranger in a coffee shop... I live in Miami Beach. It is culturally vapid (and dirty). So what? Do I just resign myself to a fate of relative loneliness and general social awkwardness while praying for a miracle girl that is into what I'm into to show up? Do I impose my interests on others in the hopes that I can strangle a few conversations out of the people I know? Do I give up my interests and simply follow the interests of the people I like? I've tried all of those things. None of them really work. What other options are there that are anything but subtle combinations and gradations of the above three? Perhaps the worst part is that I organize to the point of fetishization. The consequence of that is that I make relations that are more detrimental than helpful in my management of a situation, particularly those of emotional fragility. For example: this reminds me of girl a, and in the situation I handled it poorly because of x. But what the hell. People aren't formulaic, and no matter how striking I may find a similarity of person it isn't the same situation I was once in. All circumstances are new circumstances, really. So I feel frustrated by the newness, the unpredictability, the lack of help my prior experiences are offering, and the general inadequacy I feel in dealing with the world around me. Sorry, let me qualify that last bit. I feel frustrated by the general inadequacy I seem to have in dealing with the people I choose to associate with. That says a lot more about me, no?