Optimistic
Summer isn't properly coming to a close, but I've sort of decided that summer ends when I leave Madison. I move in two and a half weeks. It's drawing close! I've been very responsible about packing early. I've purged myself of nearly all of my belongings. At the moment I have 11 boxes, 6 of which I have mailed to my dad for storage (things I don't particularly want to get rid of, but don't particularly need). Of the boxes I'm taking, three are music (scores, parts, academic music texts), one is my classical music CDs, and the other is sort of miscellaneous. It's interesting that I said in my entry from April (which I just reread) I say something like "my only anchor is myself and what I tie to myself". How true! And look at the statistics! More than half of the worldy belongings I wouldn't want to be without, and never intend to relieve myself of, are explicitly related to music and/or the horn. I have bound myself to music. It is not an anchor but a sail. It drives me onward. I will never be without it. I will never be alone and vulnerable. The worries I had about social memory and being important to people... I'm letting them go.
Most of my energy this summer has been devoted to introspection, particularly on the topic of how I treat social interaction and what it means to me. My conclusion is that I need to be honest with myself. I don't want to live a dual life, and the things I value as part of myself must be the things that I present as part of myself.
I've set to rest my dreams of being cool and popular. I am neither of these things. I've set to rest my drinking. I drink, but getting drunk I really don't enjoy that much, and it's been a good choice to just not drink unless I want to, and then only as much as I want to. I've set to rest my ardent pursuit of social acceptance. People will like me and want to hang out with me... or not. I am actually quite happy to spend most of my time alone. I used to get irritated at myself for "wasting time" playing Super Nintendo (emulated) or reading things of no real practical value. But that's silly. Those are things I like to do, and it's more honest for me to play Zelda than it is to drink. Zelda is cheaper, too. I've set to rest my pursuit of casual sex. It really isn't very good. I have the self-confidence one acquires from learning to be competent at flirting and picking up strangers, and I'm aware I could do it if I wanted, but I don't really want to. I have a sex drive, but I'd rather spend my time practicing than pursuing something that is ultimately of little value to me.
I think the point is that I have, in large part, done what I set out to do (see last entry). I'm moving on emotionally. I'm quite attached to Madison, and that's OK, but I'm more interested in being honest with myself than trying to be a part of the culture here. I think that when I'm honest with myself I find I do things I value more, I have better friends (albeit fewer), I feel less stressed (it takes a lot of energy to put on a facade!), and I generally feel like my time is better spent. So I will go to Miami and be as honest as I possibly can be and I will interact with the culture of the program and the city as the most honest Colin I can possibly be, and what more can I hope for?
Most of my energy this summer has been devoted to introspection, particularly on the topic of how I treat social interaction and what it means to me. My conclusion is that I need to be honest with myself. I don't want to live a dual life, and the things I value as part of myself must be the things that I present as part of myself.
I've set to rest my dreams of being cool and popular. I am neither of these things. I've set to rest my drinking. I drink, but getting drunk I really don't enjoy that much, and it's been a good choice to just not drink unless I want to, and then only as much as I want to. I've set to rest my ardent pursuit of social acceptance. People will like me and want to hang out with me... or not. I am actually quite happy to spend most of my time alone. I used to get irritated at myself for "wasting time" playing Super Nintendo (emulated) or reading things of no real practical value. But that's silly. Those are things I like to do, and it's more honest for me to play Zelda than it is to drink. Zelda is cheaper, too. I've set to rest my pursuit of casual sex. It really isn't very good. I have the self-confidence one acquires from learning to be competent at flirting and picking up strangers, and I'm aware I could do it if I wanted, but I don't really want to. I have a sex drive, but I'd rather spend my time practicing than pursuing something that is ultimately of little value to me.
I think the point is that I have, in large part, done what I set out to do (see last entry). I'm moving on emotionally. I'm quite attached to Madison, and that's OK, but I'm more interested in being honest with myself than trying to be a part of the culture here. I think that when I'm honest with myself I find I do things I value more, I have better friends (albeit fewer), I feel less stressed (it takes a lot of energy to put on a facade!), and I generally feel like my time is better spent. So I will go to Miami and be as honest as I possibly can be and I will interact with the culture of the program and the city as the most honest Colin I can possibly be, and what more can I hope for?