(no subject)
saw how good it felt to write my last post, remembered it when i re read all the things i had written. i was about to make an excuse for restatement, but denied the urge. although i might have just made one/ i have no job, and i kind of just mull around till i squander all my money away and thats where i am now. i spent a lot of money on books and drinks and smoking things to get to this point and here i am, bereft of it all and broker than usual. I need a job now bad now now but its hot out today or its raining or i emailed three people about work aint that good enough? gotta pay my rent pay my way, make money like a real person. i keep thinkin of all the jobs i could do but they are part time and part rent paying and not much else after. the perfect situation would be a beer and wine only bar where lots of people come in and drink and i get fabulous tips. but i know nothing about beer or wine except how to drink it and i want to play scrabble. i always feel better when im working, which i know is why i feel bad now, but damnit i am just pal-ing around. what to do what to do. i mean im working on a show so i should pour all my energy into that, right? but it pays next to nothing, just enough to cover my power or cable bill and my traveling expenses. but thats something, right? thank god lily rented my car for some money, as i can place that second deposit that needs placing. but other than that what shall i do? hit my pa up for almost a grand again? thats right, a gain. i cant pay rent so what am i doing up here? where can i work get a job and get paaidd? beer and wine bar but i dont know anything about beer and wine except how to drink it. again. queen of the typos and type-o over here, blood is congealing in my veins instead of starting like quick hot fire to get me employed. everything is more difficult here, except having fun. that is easier and more fun than the fun i had before. but fun equals expense and expense equals debt and debts need to be repaid through work. beer and wine bar, can i drink some please? i will wash cups and plates in bathtubs of wine and right down the gullet, straight into the congealed mass of quelled hopes and desires and worry about debt piled high in my belly. anxiety attacks are like small moving hurricanes in florida for my body, not big but present and always some damage sustained in my psyche. never worry, they say, you have a degree and a heart and a tic tic tic passion for the things that you do but none of that pays me. i hate that i am so money centric, which adds to my mass of messed up snarls and inky black thoughts. why hate what you cant help? or why worry about it if you do? i dont want a knight or a squire or gentleman to lift me up and out of my quagmire of swamp thoughts and sorrows, but i would like a boost or a lift or for the red sea to part and show me my glory. get me a job, heavens, that i like and i love and is lucrative too. why is it your responsibility,fate? well why is it mine? but its my life to lead and thought im twenty two and young and zealous and eager i feel like im late for something that started too soon. the best thing about writing is that all of it comes from within in you, and im not looking at someone to gauge their thoughts and glimpse the flitting and fleeting reactions. i have only the typing and consistent thought patter and this rhythm that my hands beat on the keys. i know thats eye rollingly poetically lyrical but i like it and youre just a computer.