inspired by Scott Fried
On Monday there was a guest speaker at my temple. His name is Scott Fried, and he is an HIV-positive gay man who’s been positive for eighteen years. His story was moving and inspiring, and I almost felt bad that I didn’t have any problems to discuss, or any secrets to reveal. I’m not going to try to articulate his message, because it’s not something that is easily put into words. However, I was inspired to open up to you guys.
Just a disclaimer: I’m well aware of the fact that I am an extremely lucky kid. I’m fairly well-adjusted, I love who I am, I don’t have any crazy family issues, I don’t abuse substances, I don’t abuse or mutilate myself, etc. Overall, I’ve extremely lucky, so feel free to interpret this post as merely Shira Being Emo & Whiney. It won’t hurt my feelings.
My issue is somewhat abstract. All my life, I’ve gotten close to people for short amounts of time, and then after some amount of time, we inevitably drift apart. It’s happened with so many people that I can’t even remember all of them. The way it plays out is this: I’ll be inseparable with a person- hanging out every day, talking on the phone, IMing until 3am, you guys know the drill. Then, after a few weeks, some invisible switch flips and we drift apart. We still stay friends, but I feel that the other person just isn’t interested in me anymore. We still IM, and I still keep up my side of the friendship, but eventually I perceive that the other person isn’t interested so I draw away, because I have my pride and I don’t want to put effort into a friendship when the other person doesn’t want to do the same.
I don’t know why this happens. I can’t decide if I think it’s something I’m doing wrong, or if it’s just something that has happened to me so often that it’s made me wonder if it’s a coincidence or if it’s me. I don’t think I’m doing anything to drive people away, but who knows?
It’s not like I don’t have any friends. I have zillions of acquaintances that I care about and I know care about me. The thing is, I honestly have no desire to become closer with them because they’re all inherently boring to me. They have nothing interesting to say besides the occasional new gossip, they drink or smoke or have other habits that I don’t like, and they’re just… boring.
I’m baffled by the transience of my friendships. I see people with close-knit cliques that they’ve been friends with since elementary school, and it makes me jealous. Even my longest friendship has fallen apart recently. She’s not interested in me anymore; she has her own life and I have mine, but I still want her in mine and it seems to me that she doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. Oh well. I guess I’m still searching for that BFF, because although I have many good friends I don’t know if I have any best friend at the moment.
In any case, I’m thankful for the friends that this hasn’t happened with. I’m thankful for the internet, which has allowed me to be friends with people who don’t live close to me. Chiara and Danny in particular- thank you guys for always being there for me. And I’m thankful for BBYO. Ever
since I’ve joined about a month and a half ago, I’ve felt like a saner person because of the connection I have with these people. Maybe I’ve finally found my clique.
So now my secret, my big problem, is off my chest. And you know what? I feel better. Maybe nothing will change, but at least I've said it, and some people will know.
Just a disclaimer: I’m well aware of the fact that I am an extremely lucky kid. I’m fairly well-adjusted, I love who I am, I don’t have any crazy family issues, I don’t abuse substances, I don’t abuse or mutilate myself, etc. Overall, I’ve extremely lucky, so feel free to interpret this post as merely Shira Being Emo & Whiney. It won’t hurt my feelings.
My issue is somewhat abstract. All my life, I’ve gotten close to people for short amounts of time, and then after some amount of time, we inevitably drift apart. It’s happened with so many people that I can’t even remember all of them. The way it plays out is this: I’ll be inseparable with a person- hanging out every day, talking on the phone, IMing until 3am, you guys know the drill. Then, after a few weeks, some invisible switch flips and we drift apart. We still stay friends, but I feel that the other person just isn’t interested in me anymore. We still IM, and I still keep up my side of the friendship, but eventually I perceive that the other person isn’t interested so I draw away, because I have my pride and I don’t want to put effort into a friendship when the other person doesn’t want to do the same.
I don’t know why this happens. I can’t decide if I think it’s something I’m doing wrong, or if it’s just something that has happened to me so often that it’s made me wonder if it’s a coincidence or if it’s me. I don’t think I’m doing anything to drive people away, but who knows?
It’s not like I don’t have any friends. I have zillions of acquaintances that I care about and I know care about me. The thing is, I honestly have no desire to become closer with them because they’re all inherently boring to me. They have nothing interesting to say besides the occasional new gossip, they drink or smoke or have other habits that I don’t like, and they’re just… boring.
I’m baffled by the transience of my friendships. I see people with close-knit cliques that they’ve been friends with since elementary school, and it makes me jealous. Even my longest friendship has fallen apart recently. She’s not interested in me anymore; she has her own life and I have mine, but I still want her in mine and it seems to me that she doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. Oh well. I guess I’m still searching for that BFF, because although I have many good friends I don’t know if I have any best friend at the moment.
In any case, I’m thankful for the friends that this hasn’t happened with. I’m thankful for the internet, which has allowed me to be friends with people who don’t live close to me. Chiara and Danny in particular- thank you guys for always being there for me. And I’m thankful for BBYO. Ever
since I’ve joined about a month and a half ago, I’ve felt like a saner person because of the connection I have with these people. Maybe I’ve finally found my clique.
So now my secret, my big problem, is off my chest. And you know what? I feel better. Maybe nothing will change, but at least I've said it, and some people will know.