Volatile Highs
Title: Volatile Hights
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Sehun/Luhan
Rating: R
Summary: [Side story to Difficult Thoughts and Sharing a Bed] When Luhan's mood shifts from high to low, he clings to Minseok, completely unaware of how his actions influence their relationship.
Volatile Highs
There’s something tragic in the way that jubilant celebration can set unfortunate events into action. One moment you are gloriously aware of how bright and beautiful the world can be, and the next you’re wallowing in pity. The glories of the moment can so disastrously outshine any form of reason in your being and in that moment let the happiness blind you. It’s always in that moment that Luhan makes his gravest mistakes. So enthralled by the rush and glory of life that he forgets to keep his sanity until later, when he comes down from his high, he discovers he’s destroyed something.
This is always how Luhan’s life has been. Raging to the top and then plummeting to the molten pit of the center of the earth. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows. One moment, Luhan is bright and giggly, playing with his friends, and the next he’s made some stupid mistake and finds himself being scolded. Alone at night he’ll curse himself silently in his mind. He’ll swear never to do something so stupid again. It won’t happen. It can’t happen. He’s determined to find a balance in which his highs won’t force him to feel so many lows, he just doesn’t quite know or understand how he is going to get there.
Luhan hates these moments of self-hatred, but he can never avoid them. They eat at his brain until he almost can’t continue to function, causing his body to grow weak and tired. During practice, on the days when his body is sagging from an internal war of hate, he has to take more breaks than he would like. During these moments, Minseok is for some reason always there to try to make him smile again. This internal war is Luhan’s little secret and he doesn’t want anyone to notice. If everyone knew about his emotional issues he fears they will never let him debut. He’ll have wasted all the hard work he’s done training, and then what will he do with his life?
When you spend every waking second preparing for an uncertain future in an unstable career path you don’t always tend to have a back up plan. Or at least, Luhan doesn’t have one. He’s been so focused on reaching his goal; he’s been so blinded by his highs and lows that he never thought about what he would do if he didn’t make it big. When he does attempt any form of thought that revolves around this grim possibility, Luhan sinks into one of his moods again. That’s why he tries to avoid thinking about it. His mood swings are too dangerous already. They don’t need any extra goading to get out of hand.
But not everyone looks as blindly upon Luhan’s mood swings as he would hope. It’s always evident to Minseok when Luhan is in one of his masochistic, self-deprecating, moods. Out of everyone, Minseok knows Luhan the best, even if Luhan doesn’t necessarily notice this. Luhan is good buddies with Minseok, but he’s a closer friend to Sehun. With envy in his eyes, Minseok always watches Sehun and Luhan gallivant around Seoul during their free time or go out to drink bubble tea. Minseok swears Sehun notices the mood swings too, but he’s not sure if Sehun has said anything to Luhan about it. If he were in Sehun’s position, Minseok swears he would talk about it with Luhan to see if there is anything he could do to help. Minseok doesn’t like to see Luhan suffer. Out of everyone in their company, you can be sure that Minseok is rooting for Luhan to succeed the most.
Eventually, the company starts splitting up the boys into a group of 12. They don’t announce anything about debuting, but all of them feel the anticipation rise. There must be something special about the twelve of them if they have been separated from the other trainees. Luhan can feel his mood ascend again with an unhealthy amount of expectation. He can almost taste the future glory. He’s reaching towards his moment of blindness. He’s forgetting what he’s told himself not to do. Luhan disregards the brain-gnawing, stomach-crunching fact that soon he is going to fall.
The night when Luhan reaches his peak is the night Luhan reaches his newest low, the low that will make him loathe himself until he reaches even after reaching a new high. The twelve boys that their company has set aside are going to debut. It’s a little disheartening for Luhan to know that he won’t be exactly in the same group as Sehun because he will be split into the group that has separate activities in China, but it’s a comfort to know that even when they are far apart they are still one. The company pushes the matter of “oneness” into Luhan’s messed up little brain so much that he believes it, that they are going to be one forever and always together.
During preparations for their debut he almost even forgets that he will be promoting in a different country than Sehun and when he remembers it his bright and bubbly mood starts to falter a little bit. But Minseok is always there, chatting about how they will still have joint activities occasionally and it’s not like they don’t have ways of contacting each other. Just because they are one does not mean they must be glued to one another. According to comforting Minseok, they will be like two glorious twins. They will always be connected but when they are apart because they are sharing the same dreams and goals. They are simply spreading the wealth of their magnificence across the world by being apart.
Comforting words and an occasional pat on the shoulder of encouragement from Minseok are enough to bring Luhan out of his mood for now. It’s enough to temporarily return him to a giggly, happy mess. Luhan can always trust Minseok to make him feel better when he’s sinking. So, even though Luhan won’t be able to be with Sehun as he had hoped, at least he has Minseok to cheer him up. When the self-hate and the harshness of his thoughts are at their worst he clings to Minseok but as soon as he’s happy and bouncing about with joy he returns to clinging Sehun. It’s a habit that Luhan has never really realized he has because it works out well for him. He doesn’t think about how it might hurt Minseok to always be so depressed around him and then fluttery and happy around Sehun. As long as Luhan feels better, he doesn’t always really seem to care what he does to another person. But that’s Luhan, and somehow everyone still loves him for that.
When the date of their official debut is announced, Luhan reaches the height of his dooming happiness. The majority of the members have gone out to celebrate the news. Even if they haven’t officially debuted yet, they want to celebrate the date that their uncertain futures finally reached a small moment of solidity. Yes, Luhan is running down the only path he knows. He doesn’t need to think of a backup at this moment. Giddy and vivacious, Luhan ignores the pressing fear in the back of his mind that tells him to be careful now that he’s reaching one of those moments. Instead he accepts the drinks handed to him and lets the alcohol make him forget the ugliness he’s hiding inside his mind.
Minseok and Kris don’t stay at the party for very long. Kris leaves with some excuse about needing to get something at the company, and Minseok leaves because he can’t handle watching drunk Luhan fawn over Sehun. It’s breaking his lovesick heart to watch them be so close. Luhan is too happy to be like that towards Minseok. The realization of this is crushing him so he leaves his aching heart at the table in his own empty shot glass and wanders back to their dorm in a daze. Jealousy and depression drip from him with every step he takes. The hidden piece inside him that knows Luhan the best wants Luhan to love him. When he reaches the dorm, he lets himself sink into his bed and sob. Where is his friend that will pull him out of his miserable moods the way that he helps Luhan? Does he even have one?
For once when Luhan is consumed by his insatiable exhilaration, he notices that Minseok is missing. Usually when he is in these moods, all he cares about is Sehun. He’s noticed this once before, but right now the feeling hits him hard. Where is his wonderful friend, Bao Zi? Luhan had taken to calling Minseok that when he first met him because his cheeks had looked so perfectly squishable and plump that it reminded him of his delicious favorite dumplings. When he can’t seem to pinpoint Minseok’s location anywhere within the restaurant, he lies to others and says he’s tired and wants to go back to the dorm. His heart gives a little squeeze of resentment when Sehun tells him to stay, but Luhan is for some odd reason determined to go. He gives Sehun a tight hug and a peck on his cheek, which is something Luhan only ever does when he’s drunk a little too much, waves goodbye to the other members and heads back to the dorm.
Somehow, on his way back, he manages to avoid getting hit by any vehicles and falling down on his ass from being too drunk. It’s a miracle really, considering how dangerously close to falling from his cheerful mood, which puts him in quite a vulnerable position, that he makes it back unscathed.
Minseok almost falls out of his bed when he hears the door to their dorm slam shut and followed by a drunken shout from Luhan.
“Minseok-ie! Where are you?” Luhan giggles loudly into the unlit dorm. For some reason he’s too out of it to even turn on a light and ends up stumbling over the living room couch on his way to the bedroom he shares with Kris and Minseok.
“I’m right here,” Minseok whispers croakily into the hallway. His throat is raw from sobbing and his eyes are still red and puffy. Every part of him feels sore and achy as if crying has taken all possible energy out of him, but he can’t help but laugh when he sees Luhan bumbling around in the darkness. After bumping into the walls a few times, Luhan finally makes it to their bedroom.
“Come here,” a more than slightly intoxicated Luhan giggles. Since the lights aren’t on he can’t see how Minseok’s face has gone all puffy and red from crying. “I want to squish your cheeks.”
Willingly, Minseok obliges. Drunken Luhan is even cuter than regular Luhan and Minseok simply can’t resist him because he’s finally fawning over him the way he fawns over Sehun. Slender fingers reach out and grasp Minseok’s blushing cheeks. This is all pure torture for poor, lovesick Minseok.
Luhan is so close to that dangerous peak of his high now, but he can’t feel it. He’s made himself too numb to it with alcohol.
“Cutie-pie Bao Zi,” Luhan chortles and kisses Minseok playfully on the mouth. He almost pulls way out of shock when Minseok accepts his advances and opens his mouth for Luhan’s tongue to explore. He should stop now but curiosity builds in Luhan’s body. It’s that very curiosity, the alcohol he’s recently consumed, and Luhan’s giddy high that don’t let him stop. Somehow he finds himself pushing Minseok down onto his bed and straddling him. Kissing him everywhere he can, wanting to kiss him in places he can’t even see or should want to kiss, and letting Minseok pull him in so close he can feel Minseok’s growing erection.
Oh shit, Luhan thinks, he’s so fucking excited. Something in the back of Luhan’s mind tells him that he should stop. Luhan is teetering precariously at his tipping point. He doesn’t like Minseok like this. But there’s too much curiosity and too much alcohol and it won’t let him stop. Minseok’s hands are sliding up the inside of his thighs and the touch and anticipation of where Minseok’s hands might go feels so good that Luhan can’t suppress a moan from escaping his lips. There’s something about the feel of Minseok’s fingers that he can’t seem to get enough of even if a sober Luhan would think it’s wrong. Whether he keeps his shirt on or it eventually comes off, Luhan almost couldn’t care less. As long as Minseok’s hands continue to rub against his thighs and groin, Luhan doesn’t need to think about what his upper body might want. He only cares about what can happen bellow his waist.
But Minseok is being a cruel tease. To Luhan’s greatest displeasure Minseok’s hands don’t stop where Luhan wants them to stay. Instead they continue there way up under his shirt. No, Luhan wants to whine, don’t go there; go back down. He wants Minseok to touch him down there but of course Luhan doesn’t say any of this. The words don’t want to come out of his mouth because he’s finally starting to slip down from his high. They get caught in his throat and he shivers as Minseok skillfully flips positions so now he’s on top, pressing himself into Luhan. Luhan can feel Minseok’s erection rubbing against his and then he feels Minseok’s hand slide down from his chest and unbutton his pants this time and, shit, his hands are slipping inside his boxers and his fingers feel so warm against his skin and then they’re touching him and, fuck, what can Luhan do?
It’s like he’s lost control of his own body and it’s scaring the crap out of him. Luhan has taken a flying leap off of his blissful cliff and not even Minseok can catch him this time because he believes that Minseok is the one making him sink. He doesn’t do this with men, hell he doesn’t even really do this with women because he’s never really been in a relationship long enough to go this far. Luhan is scared out of his wits at how good Minseok’s fingers feel stroking him because Luhan is not gay or bi. This is something that Luhan has never thought of doing. Luhan only likes women, and Minseok is his chingu, not his fuck buddy. The feeling of wrongness starts to outweigh the right and he starts to feel himself pulling away from Minseok. Dropping lower and lower until he smacks into solid rock.
“Minseok stop,” Luhan stammers uncomfortably between kisses.
“What? What’s wrong?” Minseok freezes. This is all he’s ever dreamed of, being this close to Luhan, touching Luhan. To Minseok there is no doubt in his mind that this is right.
“I can’t do this,” Luhan whispers. “Can’t do this with you.”
“Can’t do what?”
“I-I’m not gay Minseok-ah.” Luhan says fervently and forces Minseok back so that he can sit up. “I don’t like men.” Now he feels as though he’s smashed through solid earth. Soon he’ll find himself drowning in molten magma. Burning and sobbing but unable to breathe, he believes he’s going to die from self-disgust and repugnance.
The words sink into Minseok’s heart and puncture him until he almost believes he’s suffering from internal bleeding. Luhan might as well be telling Minseok that he doesn’t like him personally instead of just men in general. Either way it hurts and makes the blood in his heart gush painfully in his chest. “Then what the hell was that all for?” Minseok glowers.
“I don’t know Minseok-ie, I can’t think straight. I think I drank too much,” Luhan giggles nervously. He doesn’t know why he’s let things get this far in the first place because he’s ignoring the fact that he let himself be consumed by his volatile high.
“So you’re just drunk? That’s all?” Minseok can’t stop the hurt from seeping into his voice.
“Yes, otherwise I’d never…” Luhan is at a loss for words at what he’s done.
"You’d never…?” Minseok feels like he’s being kicked. He wants Luhan to stop swallowing his words and spit out the truth.
“Never… do that.” Luhan struggles to put words together and form a coherent sentence.
“Kiss me? You’d never kiss me, Luhan?” Minseok growls darkly.
“Never.” The word settles into the air like an ugly blister that’s just been popped. A sticky, gooey, stinking mess. It’s not a blister that’s been popped; it’s Minseok’s heart. Luhan’s mouth is so dry he has to swallow loudly and clear his throat three times to try and muster up some saliva. It doesn’t work. He’s forgotten how to speak.
“Never?” Minseok questions sadly. His heart is bleeding. His body still wants Luhan and Luhan is here but Luhan doesn’t want him.
Luhan shakes his head and pulls even further away from Minseok and re-zips and buttons his pants. He’s scared, absolutely terrified, that if he gets any closer to Minseok that he might actually start to want it. That’s not who Luhan is though. Luhan tells himself he’ll never let this happen again the same way he always tells himself he’ll never get carried away by his mood swings. He’s never going to get this close to anyone, especially Minseok. He’s starting to hate himself now. When he thinks of where his mouth’s been, where he almost wanted to put his mouth, Luhan feels like he’s going to vomit. Or maybe that’s because of alcohol.
“I should go.” With weak, shaking knees Luhan stands up and tries to walk away from Minseok, but Minseok is standing in seconds with hands reaching out and grasping for any piece of Luhan that they can. Luhan doesn’t hesitate to twist out of Minseok’s grip no matter how warm and inviting it may feel.
“Please don’t,” Luhan mumbles when Minseok tries to hug him from behind and keep him from walking away. He struggles to untangle Minseok’s arms from his torso and speeds towards the bedroom door as fast as his quaking legs will allow him to.
“But Luhan, I love you,” Minseok cries when Luhan is almost out the door. It freezes him in place. How low can Luhan sink today? He’s breaking himself and he’s taking a good friend down with him.
“Don’t love me, Minseok-ie,” Luhan hisses. “I’ll never love you back.” Luhan runs to the bathroom and retches into the toilet until there is nothing left to come out of him. He sinks to the cold bathroom floor and starts to shake uncontrollably. He feels so dirty and wrong inside. He doesn’t want to admit to himself what he’s just done and why he’s done it. He doesn’t want to believe that he could have done it because he wanted to, because Luhan doesn’t want to fall for Minseok. Luhan wants to live in the shadows alone, without anyone there to accidentally crush from his unhealthy and unpredictable actions.
From then on Luhan only acts cute with Minseok in front of the public’s eyes because his company tells them to play it up. Apparently it will drive the fans wild. Luhan can’t exactly go against his company’s orders. It takes weeks for Luhan to pull himself out of his disgusting low this time because he can’t be with Minseok the way he used to be. There’s no one left to cheer him up, especially when he’s so far away from Sehun. But after a few weeks of drowning in his depression he starts to pull himself out of it. He’ll never fully forgive himself for what he’s done, but he admits that he’s starting to like being all cute around Minseok again. But that’s it. When they aren’t out and about for activities Luhan stays as far away from Minseok as he can, because Luhan will never fall in love with Minseok, at least not if he can help it. Luhan has finally learned his lesson. He will never sink to such a shallow place again.
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Sehun/Luhan
Rating: R
Summary: [Side story to Difficult Thoughts and Sharing a Bed] When Luhan's mood shifts from high to low, he clings to Minseok, completely unaware of how his actions influence their relationship.
Volatile Highs
There’s something tragic in the way that jubilant celebration can set unfortunate events into action. One moment you are gloriously aware of how bright and beautiful the world can be, and the next you’re wallowing in pity. The glories of the moment can so disastrously outshine any form of reason in your being and in that moment let the happiness blind you. It’s always in that moment that Luhan makes his gravest mistakes. So enthralled by the rush and glory of life that he forgets to keep his sanity until later, when he comes down from his high, he discovers he’s destroyed something.
This is always how Luhan’s life has been. Raging to the top and then plummeting to the molten pit of the center of the earth. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows. One moment, Luhan is bright and giggly, playing with his friends, and the next he’s made some stupid mistake and finds himself being scolded. Alone at night he’ll curse himself silently in his mind. He’ll swear never to do something so stupid again. It won’t happen. It can’t happen. He’s determined to find a balance in which his highs won’t force him to feel so many lows, he just doesn’t quite know or understand how he is going to get there.
Luhan hates these moments of self-hatred, but he can never avoid them. They eat at his brain until he almost can’t continue to function, causing his body to grow weak and tired. During practice, on the days when his body is sagging from an internal war of hate, he has to take more breaks than he would like. During these moments, Minseok is for some reason always there to try to make him smile again. This internal war is Luhan’s little secret and he doesn’t want anyone to notice. If everyone knew about his emotional issues he fears they will never let him debut. He’ll have wasted all the hard work he’s done training, and then what will he do with his life?
When you spend every waking second preparing for an uncertain future in an unstable career path you don’t always tend to have a back up plan. Or at least, Luhan doesn’t have one. He’s been so focused on reaching his goal; he’s been so blinded by his highs and lows that he never thought about what he would do if he didn’t make it big. When he does attempt any form of thought that revolves around this grim possibility, Luhan sinks into one of his moods again. That’s why he tries to avoid thinking about it. His mood swings are too dangerous already. They don’t need any extra goading to get out of hand.
But not everyone looks as blindly upon Luhan’s mood swings as he would hope. It’s always evident to Minseok when Luhan is in one of his masochistic, self-deprecating, moods. Out of everyone, Minseok knows Luhan the best, even if Luhan doesn’t necessarily notice this. Luhan is good buddies with Minseok, but he’s a closer friend to Sehun. With envy in his eyes, Minseok always watches Sehun and Luhan gallivant around Seoul during their free time or go out to drink bubble tea. Minseok swears Sehun notices the mood swings too, but he’s not sure if Sehun has said anything to Luhan about it. If he were in Sehun’s position, Minseok swears he would talk about it with Luhan to see if there is anything he could do to help. Minseok doesn’t like to see Luhan suffer. Out of everyone in their company, you can be sure that Minseok is rooting for Luhan to succeed the most.
Eventually, the company starts splitting up the boys into a group of 12. They don’t announce anything about debuting, but all of them feel the anticipation rise. There must be something special about the twelve of them if they have been separated from the other trainees. Luhan can feel his mood ascend again with an unhealthy amount of expectation. He can almost taste the future glory. He’s reaching towards his moment of blindness. He’s forgetting what he’s told himself not to do. Luhan disregards the brain-gnawing, stomach-crunching fact that soon he is going to fall.
The night when Luhan reaches his peak is the night Luhan reaches his newest low, the low that will make him loathe himself until he reaches even after reaching a new high. The twelve boys that their company has set aside are going to debut. It’s a little disheartening for Luhan to know that he won’t be exactly in the same group as Sehun because he will be split into the group that has separate activities in China, but it’s a comfort to know that even when they are far apart they are still one. The company pushes the matter of “oneness” into Luhan’s messed up little brain so much that he believes it, that they are going to be one forever and always together.
During preparations for their debut he almost even forgets that he will be promoting in a different country than Sehun and when he remembers it his bright and bubbly mood starts to falter a little bit. But Minseok is always there, chatting about how they will still have joint activities occasionally and it’s not like they don’t have ways of contacting each other. Just because they are one does not mean they must be glued to one another. According to comforting Minseok, they will be like two glorious twins. They will always be connected but when they are apart because they are sharing the same dreams and goals. They are simply spreading the wealth of their magnificence across the world by being apart.
Comforting words and an occasional pat on the shoulder of encouragement from Minseok are enough to bring Luhan out of his mood for now. It’s enough to temporarily return him to a giggly, happy mess. Luhan can always trust Minseok to make him feel better when he’s sinking. So, even though Luhan won’t be able to be with Sehun as he had hoped, at least he has Minseok to cheer him up. When the self-hate and the harshness of his thoughts are at their worst he clings to Minseok but as soon as he’s happy and bouncing about with joy he returns to clinging Sehun. It’s a habit that Luhan has never really realized he has because it works out well for him. He doesn’t think about how it might hurt Minseok to always be so depressed around him and then fluttery and happy around Sehun. As long as Luhan feels better, he doesn’t always really seem to care what he does to another person. But that’s Luhan, and somehow everyone still loves him for that.
When the date of their official debut is announced, Luhan reaches the height of his dooming happiness. The majority of the members have gone out to celebrate the news. Even if they haven’t officially debuted yet, they want to celebrate the date that their uncertain futures finally reached a small moment of solidity. Yes, Luhan is running down the only path he knows. He doesn’t need to think of a backup at this moment. Giddy and vivacious, Luhan ignores the pressing fear in the back of his mind that tells him to be careful now that he’s reaching one of those moments. Instead he accepts the drinks handed to him and lets the alcohol make him forget the ugliness he’s hiding inside his mind.
Minseok and Kris don’t stay at the party for very long. Kris leaves with some excuse about needing to get something at the company, and Minseok leaves because he can’t handle watching drunk Luhan fawn over Sehun. It’s breaking his lovesick heart to watch them be so close. Luhan is too happy to be like that towards Minseok. The realization of this is crushing him so he leaves his aching heart at the table in his own empty shot glass and wanders back to their dorm in a daze. Jealousy and depression drip from him with every step he takes. The hidden piece inside him that knows Luhan the best wants Luhan to love him. When he reaches the dorm, he lets himself sink into his bed and sob. Where is his friend that will pull him out of his miserable moods the way that he helps Luhan? Does he even have one?
For once when Luhan is consumed by his insatiable exhilaration, he notices that Minseok is missing. Usually when he is in these moods, all he cares about is Sehun. He’s noticed this once before, but right now the feeling hits him hard. Where is his wonderful friend, Bao Zi? Luhan had taken to calling Minseok that when he first met him because his cheeks had looked so perfectly squishable and plump that it reminded him of his delicious favorite dumplings. When he can’t seem to pinpoint Minseok’s location anywhere within the restaurant, he lies to others and says he’s tired and wants to go back to the dorm. His heart gives a little squeeze of resentment when Sehun tells him to stay, but Luhan is for some odd reason determined to go. He gives Sehun a tight hug and a peck on his cheek, which is something Luhan only ever does when he’s drunk a little too much, waves goodbye to the other members and heads back to the dorm.
Somehow, on his way back, he manages to avoid getting hit by any vehicles and falling down on his ass from being too drunk. It’s a miracle really, considering how dangerously close to falling from his cheerful mood, which puts him in quite a vulnerable position, that he makes it back unscathed.
Minseok almost falls out of his bed when he hears the door to their dorm slam shut and followed by a drunken shout from Luhan.
“Minseok-ie! Where are you?” Luhan giggles loudly into the unlit dorm. For some reason he’s too out of it to even turn on a light and ends up stumbling over the living room couch on his way to the bedroom he shares with Kris and Minseok.
“I’m right here,” Minseok whispers croakily into the hallway. His throat is raw from sobbing and his eyes are still red and puffy. Every part of him feels sore and achy as if crying has taken all possible energy out of him, but he can’t help but laugh when he sees Luhan bumbling around in the darkness. After bumping into the walls a few times, Luhan finally makes it to their bedroom.
“Come here,” a more than slightly intoxicated Luhan giggles. Since the lights aren’t on he can’t see how Minseok’s face has gone all puffy and red from crying. “I want to squish your cheeks.”
Willingly, Minseok obliges. Drunken Luhan is even cuter than regular Luhan and Minseok simply can’t resist him because he’s finally fawning over him the way he fawns over Sehun. Slender fingers reach out and grasp Minseok’s blushing cheeks. This is all pure torture for poor, lovesick Minseok.
Luhan is so close to that dangerous peak of his high now, but he can’t feel it. He’s made himself too numb to it with alcohol.
“Cutie-pie Bao Zi,” Luhan chortles and kisses Minseok playfully on the mouth. He almost pulls way out of shock when Minseok accepts his advances and opens his mouth for Luhan’s tongue to explore. He should stop now but curiosity builds in Luhan’s body. It’s that very curiosity, the alcohol he’s recently consumed, and Luhan’s giddy high that don’t let him stop. Somehow he finds himself pushing Minseok down onto his bed and straddling him. Kissing him everywhere he can, wanting to kiss him in places he can’t even see or should want to kiss, and letting Minseok pull him in so close he can feel Minseok’s growing erection.
Oh shit, Luhan thinks, he’s so fucking excited. Something in the back of Luhan’s mind tells him that he should stop. Luhan is teetering precariously at his tipping point. He doesn’t like Minseok like this. But there’s too much curiosity and too much alcohol and it won’t let him stop. Minseok’s hands are sliding up the inside of his thighs and the touch and anticipation of where Minseok’s hands might go feels so good that Luhan can’t suppress a moan from escaping his lips. There’s something about the feel of Minseok’s fingers that he can’t seem to get enough of even if a sober Luhan would think it’s wrong. Whether he keeps his shirt on or it eventually comes off, Luhan almost couldn’t care less. As long as Minseok’s hands continue to rub against his thighs and groin, Luhan doesn’t need to think about what his upper body might want. He only cares about what can happen bellow his waist.
But Minseok is being a cruel tease. To Luhan’s greatest displeasure Minseok’s hands don’t stop where Luhan wants them to stay. Instead they continue there way up under his shirt. No, Luhan wants to whine, don’t go there; go back down. He wants Minseok to touch him down there but of course Luhan doesn’t say any of this. The words don’t want to come out of his mouth because he’s finally starting to slip down from his high. They get caught in his throat and he shivers as Minseok skillfully flips positions so now he’s on top, pressing himself into Luhan. Luhan can feel Minseok’s erection rubbing against his and then he feels Minseok’s hand slide down from his chest and unbutton his pants this time and, shit, his hands are slipping inside his boxers and his fingers feel so warm against his skin and then they’re touching him and, fuck, what can Luhan do?
It’s like he’s lost control of his own body and it’s scaring the crap out of him. Luhan has taken a flying leap off of his blissful cliff and not even Minseok can catch him this time because he believes that Minseok is the one making him sink. He doesn’t do this with men, hell he doesn’t even really do this with women because he’s never really been in a relationship long enough to go this far. Luhan is scared out of his wits at how good Minseok’s fingers feel stroking him because Luhan is not gay or bi. This is something that Luhan has never thought of doing. Luhan only likes women, and Minseok is his chingu, not his fuck buddy. The feeling of wrongness starts to outweigh the right and he starts to feel himself pulling away from Minseok. Dropping lower and lower until he smacks into solid rock.
“Minseok stop,” Luhan stammers uncomfortably between kisses.
“What? What’s wrong?” Minseok freezes. This is all he’s ever dreamed of, being this close to Luhan, touching Luhan. To Minseok there is no doubt in his mind that this is right.
“I can’t do this,” Luhan whispers. “Can’t do this with you.”
“Can’t do what?”
“I-I’m not gay Minseok-ah.” Luhan says fervently and forces Minseok back so that he can sit up. “I don’t like men.” Now he feels as though he’s smashed through solid earth. Soon he’ll find himself drowning in molten magma. Burning and sobbing but unable to breathe, he believes he’s going to die from self-disgust and repugnance.
The words sink into Minseok’s heart and puncture him until he almost believes he’s suffering from internal bleeding. Luhan might as well be telling Minseok that he doesn’t like him personally instead of just men in general. Either way it hurts and makes the blood in his heart gush painfully in his chest. “Then what the hell was that all for?” Minseok glowers.
“I don’t know Minseok-ie, I can’t think straight. I think I drank too much,” Luhan giggles nervously. He doesn’t know why he’s let things get this far in the first place because he’s ignoring the fact that he let himself be consumed by his volatile high.
“So you’re just drunk? That’s all?” Minseok can’t stop the hurt from seeping into his voice.
“Yes, otherwise I’d never…” Luhan is at a loss for words at what he’s done.
"You’d never…?” Minseok feels like he’s being kicked. He wants Luhan to stop swallowing his words and spit out the truth.
“Never… do that.” Luhan struggles to put words together and form a coherent sentence.
“Kiss me? You’d never kiss me, Luhan?” Minseok growls darkly.
“Never.” The word settles into the air like an ugly blister that’s just been popped. A sticky, gooey, stinking mess. It’s not a blister that’s been popped; it’s Minseok’s heart. Luhan’s mouth is so dry he has to swallow loudly and clear his throat three times to try and muster up some saliva. It doesn’t work. He’s forgotten how to speak.
“Never?” Minseok questions sadly. His heart is bleeding. His body still wants Luhan and Luhan is here but Luhan doesn’t want him.
Luhan shakes his head and pulls even further away from Minseok and re-zips and buttons his pants. He’s scared, absolutely terrified, that if he gets any closer to Minseok that he might actually start to want it. That’s not who Luhan is though. Luhan tells himself he’ll never let this happen again the same way he always tells himself he’ll never get carried away by his mood swings. He’s never going to get this close to anyone, especially Minseok. He’s starting to hate himself now. When he thinks of where his mouth’s been, where he almost wanted to put his mouth, Luhan feels like he’s going to vomit. Or maybe that’s because of alcohol.
“I should go.” With weak, shaking knees Luhan stands up and tries to walk away from Minseok, but Minseok is standing in seconds with hands reaching out and grasping for any piece of Luhan that they can. Luhan doesn’t hesitate to twist out of Minseok’s grip no matter how warm and inviting it may feel.
“Please don’t,” Luhan mumbles when Minseok tries to hug him from behind and keep him from walking away. He struggles to untangle Minseok’s arms from his torso and speeds towards the bedroom door as fast as his quaking legs will allow him to.
“But Luhan, I love you,” Minseok cries when Luhan is almost out the door. It freezes him in place. How low can Luhan sink today? He’s breaking himself and he’s taking a good friend down with him.
“Don’t love me, Minseok-ie,” Luhan hisses. “I’ll never love you back.” Luhan runs to the bathroom and retches into the toilet until there is nothing left to come out of him. He sinks to the cold bathroom floor and starts to shake uncontrollably. He feels so dirty and wrong inside. He doesn’t want to admit to himself what he’s just done and why he’s done it. He doesn’t want to believe that he could have done it because he wanted to, because Luhan doesn’t want to fall for Minseok. Luhan wants to live in the shadows alone, without anyone there to accidentally crush from his unhealthy and unpredictable actions.
From then on Luhan only acts cute with Minseok in front of the public’s eyes because his company tells them to play it up. Apparently it will drive the fans wild. Luhan can’t exactly go against his company’s orders. It takes weeks for Luhan to pull himself out of his disgusting low this time because he can’t be with Minseok the way he used to be. There’s no one left to cheer him up, especially when he’s so far away from Sehun. But after a few weeks of drowning in his depression he starts to pull himself out of it. He’ll never fully forgive himself for what he’s done, but he admits that he’s starting to like being all cute around Minseok again. But that’s it. When they aren’t out and about for activities Luhan stays as far away from Minseok as he can, because Luhan will never fall in love with Minseok, at least not if he can help it. Luhan has finally learned his lesson. He will never sink to such a shallow place again.