Because my friend Kristy says she lives for this kind of stuff.....
.... Yesterday, for one of the first times in nearly 30 years, I didn't shave. The only other times I haven't have been when I was in the hospital. Guess what? No one noticed. My beard, which used to be very red, is now sandy brown, gray and white. You can't tell unless you kiss me and, at least yesterday, no one did.
Why, you might ask, have I been so compulsive about shaving? When I was in boot camp I was, as I still am, very slow in the morning. "Slow in the morning" isn't a good thing in boot camp. So, I began shaving (Heh!) a few minutes off my morning routine by shaving at night. One of my MTI's* was Sgt. Kilborn, who was, as felisdemens would say, ambulatory meat. He was a stereotypical huge, nasty, ignorant redneck. (Most of the MTI's in my branch of service were not.) He also seemed to think he was in the Marine Corps. (This was not the Marine Corps.) One, morning he was screaming at us about something and walked down the line to me and got about a millimeter from my face and screamed and spit, "Airman Recruit H_______ (mangling my last name as always) do you have a magic razor!?!" Now, remember, this guy wasn't exactly Noel Coward. He wasn't even Larry the Cable Guy. I wouldn't have guessed he'd recognize irony or even witty sarcasm if hit him on hit him on the head with a baseball bat(which was a constant consoling fantasy of mine.) So, when he bellowed this question at me, I had no clue what he meant. He yelled again. Finally, when, as was always the case with him, I was delicately balanced between bursting into tears and ripping his redneck throat out, he saw fit to explain (remember, this is in stereotypical MTI tirade-mode:) "You must have a magic razor, Airman Recruit, because it leaves a day's growth of beard on your (he probably said "ugly" or "pussy") face." So, anyhow, I had to go back in the barracks and shave again and them come back and do a hundred push-ups or something. So I started doing a military inspection shave (all four directions) every morning. I gave that up a couple of years ago because it hurts and because it creates a constant battle with ingrown hairs. Now, I've gone a day without shaving. Who knows what's next? Maybe next time you see me I'll look like a (chubby) Willie Nelson.
•/ Bluuuuuue eyes cryin' in the rain........ •/
*Air Force equivalent of a Drill Sergeant
Why, you might ask, have I been so compulsive about shaving? When I was in boot camp I was, as I still am, very slow in the morning. "Slow in the morning" isn't a good thing in boot camp. So, I began shaving (Heh!) a few minutes off my morning routine by shaving at night. One of my MTI's* was Sgt. Kilborn, who was, as felisdemens would say, ambulatory meat. He was a stereotypical huge, nasty, ignorant redneck. (Most of the MTI's in my branch of service were not.) He also seemed to think he was in the Marine Corps. (This was not the Marine Corps.) One, morning he was screaming at us about something and walked down the line to me and got about a millimeter from my face and screamed and spit, "Airman Recruit H_______ (mangling my last name as always) do you have a magic razor!?!" Now, remember, this guy wasn't exactly Noel Coward. He wasn't even Larry the Cable Guy. I wouldn't have guessed he'd recognize irony or even witty sarcasm if hit him on hit him on the head with a baseball bat(which was a constant consoling fantasy of mine.) So, when he bellowed this question at me, I had no clue what he meant. He yelled again. Finally, when, as was always the case with him, I was delicately balanced between bursting into tears and ripping his redneck throat out, he saw fit to explain (remember, this is in stereotypical MTI tirade-mode:) "You must have a magic razor, Airman Recruit, because it leaves a day's growth of beard on your (he probably said "ugly" or "pussy") face." So, anyhow, I had to go back in the barracks and shave again and them come back and do a hundred push-ups or something. So I started doing a military inspection shave (all four directions) every morning. I gave that up a couple of years ago because it hurts and because it creates a constant battle with ingrown hairs. Now, I've gone a day without shaving. Who knows what's next? Maybe next time you see me I'll look like a (chubby) Willie Nelson.
•/ Bluuuuuue eyes cryin' in the rain........ •/
*Air Force equivalent of a Drill Sergeant