(no subject)
As I lay nestled into bed last night (curled around the body pillow and my teddy bear, Homer, head on two minty-colored pillows with two more in flannel jackets set carefully aside, dog in the crook of my knees), I wondered if pouring the negative emotions out on the internet is helpful or just a recipe for wallowing. On one hand, I process best by typing or talking (getting it out of my head...); on the other, it is making a permanent record of what I like least about my life. And, much of the time, I fling the angst onto the (virtual) page, then skip merrily off to do something different. So, the negative entry captures a moment in time - a hard moment - and leaves it to stand as the record of my days.
I have put up a few (friends-locked) entries lately that leave me cringing at how much of me is on the internet. I think about taking them down and threaten to do so in IM conversations with patient LJ friends, but I have never removed or privatized an entry for my own comfort level. I use LJ for processing (getting things out of my head) and for connection. I tend towards over-impression managing, so it is hard for me to share things which make me look anything but Practically Perfect in Every Way (hey, don't laugh). Yet, I need to feel like the real me exists in a community and is heard and cared for, even when it isn't pretty. I think the word that captures this back-and-forth best is 'ambivalence.' My inner editor and inner child are duking it out, deciding what goes up. So, my LJ is, in effect, a constant back-and-forth between making myelf vulnerable but also feeling heard, and choosing the reality to share. Anyone who has spent much time with me in real -life will recognize this, as it is one of my central patterns.
I dont know if there is a better way to do or be, but will continue fumbling along, making it up as I go. The sun is shining and it's a glorious looking day. I have spent a lovely morning in pajamas reading bits of my favorite book and writing cards to elderly relatives, and now I am off to take Angel-dog for a long walk at the local dog park and attend a two hour knitting workshop lead by a woman from my yoga class. K is sanding windows and trim with his new power-sander in the living-room-construction-zone so it is a good day to find somewhere else to be.