The mystery of love
Ok, cute blonde with glasses makes eye contact repeatedly, so what do I do, I make eye contact back, simple right?
Here however is where everything falls apart, I'm not sure if everyone else had a class or what, but surely there must be some kind of instinct or training I'm lacking because after the whole eye contact thing I have no fucking clue where to go. This is why alcohol is such a useful dating tool, I'll probably do something stupid, but at least I'll do SOMETHING. Or she will, which is preferable anyway since she probably wasn't home playing video games and masturbating to Paula Abdul videos when they explained how this whole thing works.
I need a blowgun, that would make everything so much easier. She looks at me, I look at her, our eyes meet, interest is determined, I dart her in the neck, throw her in my trunk and voila! Dating made simple. Sure I'd build up a lot of restraining orders over the years, but who really wants to run into their ex anyway?
Maybe her and the redhead can wrestle in jello for my love. I couldn't do something that degrading though, I would have to accept them both out of the kindness and generosity in my heart. Not that they can skip the jello part. I'm a man. I have needs. And I NEED to see two women wrestle in jello for my love.
I think it's pretty clear that the other thing I need is heavy medication. Or sex. Or sex on medication, which I've never tried but I hear can be quite fun depending on the medication of course.
Maybe I'll just go over and talk to her. Maybe a horde of flying monkeys will spring from my butt. Let's face it, I have no balls. I have no clue what I would say anyway. "Hi I couldn't help but notice you and since I know nothing about you it's a pretty safe bet I'm just out for sex?" What about, "Hey you're not a moron, a compulsive liar, or a bitch are you? Because I'd kind of like to go out but I really don't want to waste my time. Also are there any rashes I should know about?"
And people wonder why I'd rather just pay for sex. Not that sex is what I'm after. Hey, she is in a library, that's a good sign right? She's wearing glasses, which I like to think is an indication of intelligence, and she's busy studying or working on something. On the other hand, lot's of people go to the library who aren't particularly literate, someone must be checking out all those Danielle Steele books after all, glasses are really just an indication that she has poor eyesight, and as for her studies, she could be struggling with a remedial english assignment, or worse, writing an essay on why the holocaust never happened.
I have never successfully picked up or asked out a woman sober. Oh, I've asked in my endearing socially inept way, though the responses I received did not exactly leave me anxious to jump on that particular horse again. Other people do it all the time, or at least I assume they do because there seems to be an awful lot of breeding going on. So how in the hell do they do it? I've never actually seen it. Some of you must date right? How in the hell do you initiate conversation with a stranger?
Come to think of it, most of you are women, you don't have to do anything. Hmmm...Ok, so what in the hell did your present or previous boyfriends say to you to get things rolling? I'm hoping pick up lines weren't involved. Have any of you dated someone that you didn't meet at work or school beforehand, someone perhaps who just approached you out of the blue and said something brilliant? How did that work out? What made you interested, and how did he get the conversation started? Should I even be asking this or just give up?
Do you think this sudden obsession has something to do with the fact that I can't masturbate at my sister's house?
Is it just me or was Sahara a fucking retarded movie?