(no subject)
So for AP English extra credit, our assignment was to write a news story modeled after THe Onion which is basically very very satiric (except ours cannot use bad language) on a subject relating to something in high school. If you're bored and want to give me your opnion, go ahead and read. If you dont know what i'm making fun of, you're either really dumb or don't go to Stoney. If you have any suggestions, please comment, or if you hate it or just dont get it, same.
In a school environment dominated by honors and positive attitude related awards, at North High in East Lake, Illinois, both students and teachers eagerly welcomed the Underachiever Award. This award, decided unanimously by the entire staff, honors students lacking in responsibility and work ethic.
“It’s nice to hear some new names,” said Dr. John Malloy, Principal of North High, which has a student body of just over 1500. “Believe me-we all get tired of watching the same people be chosen again and again.”
Similarly, students look forward to finally being recognized for their extensive efforts. “I’ve been skipping Spanish every Wednesday for the entire year,” said senior Josh Cranitz. “It’s about time someone took notice!” Another student, freshman Haley McClain, was heard to exclaim, “Finally, something I’m, like, good at!” upon being awoken from a personal record 40 minute nap in geometry Monday afternoon with the announcement of the award. She stifled her response with a yawn.
Regarding the secretive selection process, Principal Malloy declared that “the staff has done their best to choose only the most deserving students.” Our research has indicated that students were likely chosen based on attendance records, failure to turn in homework assignments, sleeping or goofing off during class, and other such factors. However, Malloy did not announce the award until after all recipients had been agreed upon, his reasoning being that students may have been tempted to change their behavior in order to be considered. When we suggested that some students may feel offended upon receiving the Underachiever Award, Malloy seemed confused and did not immediately respond. After thinking for a minute, he replied, “I’m sure everyone here at North High aspires to be an Underachiever. These days it, unsurprisingly, has more popularity than obsolete awards honoring academic success.”
To get the other side of the story, we questioned Sarah Smart, a junior honors student boasting a perfect 4.0 GPA and a course-load of advanced classes, about her feelings concerning not being chosen as an award recipient. “Well, I’m disappointed, of course. But I realized I’m not very good at slacking-I’ll have to try harder next year,” she said with a sigh. “I love getting awards. Any award-doesn’t matter what kind, as long as it has my name on it! Sure I’ll be getting valedictorian, but that doesn’t quite have the emotional value of the Underachiever.” Smart struggled to contain her tears. When asked if she would attend the ceremony, which is in fact required of all students, she replied, “Of course! It’s required! I love spending time watching other students get awards that I didn’t get, it’s a good time for self-reflection.”
Malloy used Smart as an example of the benefits of the award, citing that it reduces jealousy amongst students and shows that everyone is good at something. Some administrators from other area school have criticized the new award, stating that it promotes “senioritis” or worse, a new strain of the dreaded disease, “high schoolitis,” which lasts over four times as long.
The official award ceremony is set to take place on an undisclosed morning in May. When questioned as to the decision to withhold the date, Principal Malloy responded, “Please forgive the secrecy-we must take all precautions necessary to ensure the attendance of as many recipients as possible. Rumors have been circulating that the date has been set for Friday and 13th, but I assure you that they are completely unfounded.”
In a school environment dominated by honors and positive attitude related awards, at North High in East Lake, Illinois, both students and teachers eagerly welcomed the Underachiever Award. This award, decided unanimously by the entire staff, honors students lacking in responsibility and work ethic.
“It’s nice to hear some new names,” said Dr. John Malloy, Principal of North High, which has a student body of just over 1500. “Believe me-we all get tired of watching the same people be chosen again and again.”
Similarly, students look forward to finally being recognized for their extensive efforts. “I’ve been skipping Spanish every Wednesday for the entire year,” said senior Josh Cranitz. “It’s about time someone took notice!” Another student, freshman Haley McClain, was heard to exclaim, “Finally, something I’m, like, good at!” upon being awoken from a personal record 40 minute nap in geometry Monday afternoon with the announcement of the award. She stifled her response with a yawn.
Regarding the secretive selection process, Principal Malloy declared that “the staff has done their best to choose only the most deserving students.” Our research has indicated that students were likely chosen based on attendance records, failure to turn in homework assignments, sleeping or goofing off during class, and other such factors. However, Malloy did not announce the award until after all recipients had been agreed upon, his reasoning being that students may have been tempted to change their behavior in order to be considered. When we suggested that some students may feel offended upon receiving the Underachiever Award, Malloy seemed confused and did not immediately respond. After thinking for a minute, he replied, “I’m sure everyone here at North High aspires to be an Underachiever. These days it, unsurprisingly, has more popularity than obsolete awards honoring academic success.”
To get the other side of the story, we questioned Sarah Smart, a junior honors student boasting a perfect 4.0 GPA and a course-load of advanced classes, about her feelings concerning not being chosen as an award recipient. “Well, I’m disappointed, of course. But I realized I’m not very good at slacking-I’ll have to try harder next year,” she said with a sigh. “I love getting awards. Any award-doesn’t matter what kind, as long as it has my name on it! Sure I’ll be getting valedictorian, but that doesn’t quite have the emotional value of the Underachiever.” Smart struggled to contain her tears. When asked if she would attend the ceremony, which is in fact required of all students, she replied, “Of course! It’s required! I love spending time watching other students get awards that I didn’t get, it’s a good time for self-reflection.”
Malloy used Smart as an example of the benefits of the award, citing that it reduces jealousy amongst students and shows that everyone is good at something. Some administrators from other area school have criticized the new award, stating that it promotes “senioritis” or worse, a new strain of the dreaded disease, “high schoolitis,” which lasts over four times as long.
The official award ceremony is set to take place on an undisclosed morning in May. When questioned as to the decision to withhold the date, Principal Malloy responded, “Please forgive the secrecy-we must take all precautions necessary to ensure the attendance of as many recipients as possible. Rumors have been circulating that the date has been set for Friday and 13th, but I assure you that they are completely unfounded.”