Sitting Shiva and Motherhood
My pal Stacy ( the Goat Lady ) left my house in the wee hours this morning. She and her dog "Annie" have been here since Tuesday I think. She is Christian Jew if that makes sense. She is educated in both faiths and it works very well for her. She barged in with her dog and bags of stuff and said "I am here for what ever you need for as long as you need me".
Well uhm, ok. it can be good to have someone to talk to and so some thing with and help me with mudpuppy.
She has been at my side for nearly every phone call with family and my kids while I get updates on Mom's condition and plans. The times she wasn’t was when she was trying to keep Mudpuppy quiet so I can take the phone calls. We have talks long about my mixed feelings through this whole thing. Play with the dogs. Got the dog poo in the yard picked up a bit. At least it doesn’t look like I had elephants in my yard over the winter. She has definately been a help to me, Mudpuppy and hubby.. She brought two outfits that I can borrow for the funeral and even took Mudpuppy and I out to get the few bits we didn’t have and needed. He needed shoes, I needed a bra. Her generosity and care was over whelming , she just kind of took over. Those who know me, know that it is nearly impossible for me to voice and ask for help when I need it. It is something I am just not comfortable in doing.. So my family is now prepared for being presentable during my moms funeral due to Stacy. I never even had a chance to struggle with asking for help. It was just done. Later this week we found a good trade to make for this help. I had a brand new pair of Dansko shoes my daughter got me that where too small. They fit Stacy perfectly and she was in need of some new ones for spring. Good trade!
We started the week with the idea that we would detox our bodies while this emotional rollercoaster was running to prepare my body for the depths of grief that are coming. I doubt any spinach strawberry salad I have eaten in the past has ever tasted as well as the ones I've had this week. One of my mom's favorite salad in fact. The nutrition focus with the fresh greens, oatmeal mornings and detox teas was not only a great distraction but I do feel better even though when the phone rings I feeling sick to my stomach and like there is a gapping hole in my gut. 4 days of detox and I can tell my body is appreciating it. So body and clothing are in order.
Mudpuppy did well for his Auntie Meanie. She isn’t afraid to scold him when being naughty. Fortunately her ideas of what he shouldn’t do are the same as mine. He will be sad that she disappeared this morning while we all slept in.
I made her boys some Snapsacks for their re-enactment gear to tell them thank you for letting me have their mom. Those wild Indians of hers called everyday within 15 mn of school letting out to scream about some kind of bloody conflict because she wasn’t home. Dog chewed a marker on the new couch, dog got his eye scratched by the cat, Jordon punched Joe in the nose. Total meltdown at her home just cause she wasn’t there. Amazing how a 13 and 14 year old boy can cause so much trouble with Dad overseeing them. It got to be rather funny. Yesterday I spoke to the boys on the phone after the bloody nose issue. I totally broke down with them letting them know how important to me it has been to have their mom here while I was loosing my mom. They started crying as well and told me I could have their mom as long as I needed her. About an hour later they called again to tell mom to not come home. Dad has said if she didn’t, they would go out and see a "man movie" together and do manly things. Her phone was quiet the rest of the night.
Hubby is appreciative of Stacy being here. It made it easier for him to get through his work week without me pestering him and him being torn between work and being here for me. If you ever have a chance to do this for a friend I highly recommend it. I remember sitting with Chelle for weeks while she went through the same thing 2 years ago. Fortunately I only lived 10 mn away from her then. She and Stacy both live 1.5 hours from me now. Hubby got through the work week with little stress and I was distracted enough to not constantly be calling him or wandering the house with no focus crying while trying to care for a 5 year old.
Thursday night to my surprise Casey, Denise and Little Iain ( thing 2) appeared at my doorway. Stacy had arranged for them to come over as well. We sat all night talking about being a mother and being a daughter and it wasn’t a whole night of what I am going through. We popped two bottles of wine and did not go to bed until 4 am. We where full circle. All mothers. We talked about the relationships of mother and daughter, of being a mother, being a daughter the roll of grandmother and of Denise's loss of her mother. Casey is working on #2 grandchild. So we got some Grandmother discussion in as well. Shhh it's brand new news. So new everyone is still getting used to the idea. We talked about our rolls of mothering our partners and those times when there seems to be no partner and the depths of mothering through crisis as well. There where only 4 people sitting at this table. 4 mothers. 4 daughters, a grandmother with two little boys running around. I had voiced that this journey was the last lesson my mother would ever teach me. I was wrong, this it is not her last lesson. There are more to come in a different manner. I was assured of this by Denise. I have asked them all to come to the cities for the service if they can make it. I need them there for the closure. They have been here for me this last year helping me process and deal with all of this. So j3 there will be others for you to talk to at the service.
Hubby has the next 3 days off of work. We are heading up today to see my father, sis and brother. I have said my goodbye to mom. I did that last week. I am sure I will sit on the bed and hold her hand many times today. This will be the last opportunity I have while she still breaths. She is on day 12-13 with out food and has taken little in water. She has not been awake for 2 days now, even sleeping through baths when hospice is around. Hospice comes 2 times a day now. Hospice doubts mom will make it through the weekend. We will overnight in Oakdale at Chelles house with Dog in tow. The rabbit will be watched by my neighbors. He will be fine for 2-3 days on his own. I’ll give him an extra large carrot before we take off. We are packing for 3 days but only plan to stay one night up there. Perhaps we can hook up with some of you in the cities on Sunday. J3 knows how to get ahold of us.
I am not ready to let go but I am so ready for this waiting and being helpless to be done. I am exhausted. I don’t want to let go of what was. I can let go of what is. Does that make sense? I want to roll a time backwards to when I could talk to mom and at the same time I want this all over. Only her body is here now. What lies in my parents bed is an organism and that is about it. I don’t know where my mom is, possibly the Kansas farm. I hope it is the farm.
Well uhm, ok. it can be good to have someone to talk to and so some thing with and help me with mudpuppy.
She has been at my side for nearly every phone call with family and my kids while I get updates on Mom's condition and plans. The times she wasn’t was when she was trying to keep Mudpuppy quiet so I can take the phone calls. We have talks long about my mixed feelings through this whole thing. Play with the dogs. Got the dog poo in the yard picked up a bit. At least it doesn’t look like I had elephants in my yard over the winter. She has definately been a help to me, Mudpuppy and hubby.. She brought two outfits that I can borrow for the funeral and even took Mudpuppy and I out to get the few bits we didn’t have and needed. He needed shoes, I needed a bra. Her generosity and care was over whelming , she just kind of took over. Those who know me, know that it is nearly impossible for me to voice and ask for help when I need it. It is something I am just not comfortable in doing.. So my family is now prepared for being presentable during my moms funeral due to Stacy. I never even had a chance to struggle with asking for help. It was just done. Later this week we found a good trade to make for this help. I had a brand new pair of Dansko shoes my daughter got me that where too small. They fit Stacy perfectly and she was in need of some new ones for spring. Good trade!
We started the week with the idea that we would detox our bodies while this emotional rollercoaster was running to prepare my body for the depths of grief that are coming. I doubt any spinach strawberry salad I have eaten in the past has ever tasted as well as the ones I've had this week. One of my mom's favorite salad in fact. The nutrition focus with the fresh greens, oatmeal mornings and detox teas was not only a great distraction but I do feel better even though when the phone rings I feeling sick to my stomach and like there is a gapping hole in my gut. 4 days of detox and I can tell my body is appreciating it. So body and clothing are in order.
Mudpuppy did well for his Auntie Meanie. She isn’t afraid to scold him when being naughty. Fortunately her ideas of what he shouldn’t do are the same as mine. He will be sad that she disappeared this morning while we all slept in.
I made her boys some Snapsacks for their re-enactment gear to tell them thank you for letting me have their mom. Those wild Indians of hers called everyday within 15 mn of school letting out to scream about some kind of bloody conflict because she wasn’t home. Dog chewed a marker on the new couch, dog got his eye scratched by the cat, Jordon punched Joe in the nose. Total meltdown at her home just cause she wasn’t there. Amazing how a 13 and 14 year old boy can cause so much trouble with Dad overseeing them. It got to be rather funny. Yesterday I spoke to the boys on the phone after the bloody nose issue. I totally broke down with them letting them know how important to me it has been to have their mom here while I was loosing my mom. They started crying as well and told me I could have their mom as long as I needed her. About an hour later they called again to tell mom to not come home. Dad has said if she didn’t, they would go out and see a "man movie" together and do manly things. Her phone was quiet the rest of the night.
Hubby is appreciative of Stacy being here. It made it easier for him to get through his work week without me pestering him and him being torn between work and being here for me. If you ever have a chance to do this for a friend I highly recommend it. I remember sitting with Chelle for weeks while she went through the same thing 2 years ago. Fortunately I only lived 10 mn away from her then. She and Stacy both live 1.5 hours from me now. Hubby got through the work week with little stress and I was distracted enough to not constantly be calling him or wandering the house with no focus crying while trying to care for a 5 year old.
Thursday night to my surprise Casey, Denise and Little Iain ( thing 2) appeared at my doorway. Stacy had arranged for them to come over as well. We sat all night talking about being a mother and being a daughter and it wasn’t a whole night of what I am going through. We popped two bottles of wine and did not go to bed until 4 am. We where full circle. All mothers. We talked about the relationships of mother and daughter, of being a mother, being a daughter the roll of grandmother and of Denise's loss of her mother. Casey is working on #2 grandchild. So we got some Grandmother discussion in as well. Shhh it's brand new news. So new everyone is still getting used to the idea. We talked about our rolls of mothering our partners and those times when there seems to be no partner and the depths of mothering through crisis as well. There where only 4 people sitting at this table. 4 mothers. 4 daughters, a grandmother with two little boys running around. I had voiced that this journey was the last lesson my mother would ever teach me. I was wrong, this it is not her last lesson. There are more to come in a different manner. I was assured of this by Denise. I have asked them all to come to the cities for the service if they can make it. I need them there for the closure. They have been here for me this last year helping me process and deal with all of this. So j3 there will be others for you to talk to at the service.
Hubby has the next 3 days off of work. We are heading up today to see my father, sis and brother. I have said my goodbye to mom. I did that last week. I am sure I will sit on the bed and hold her hand many times today. This will be the last opportunity I have while she still breaths. She is on day 12-13 with out food and has taken little in water. She has not been awake for 2 days now, even sleeping through baths when hospice is around. Hospice comes 2 times a day now. Hospice doubts mom will make it through the weekend. We will overnight in Oakdale at Chelles house with Dog in tow. The rabbit will be watched by my neighbors. He will be fine for 2-3 days on his own. I’ll give him an extra large carrot before we take off. We are packing for 3 days but only plan to stay one night up there. Perhaps we can hook up with some of you in the cities on Sunday. J3 knows how to get ahold of us.
I am not ready to let go but I am so ready for this waiting and being helpless to be done. I am exhausted. I don’t want to let go of what was. I can let go of what is. Does that make sense? I want to roll a time backwards to when I could talk to mom and at the same time I want this all over. Only her body is here now. What lies in my parents bed is an organism and that is about it. I don’t know where my mom is, possibly the Kansas farm. I hope it is the farm.