This is not an entry for the weekhearted freind. Only read if you think you can stomach it...
It's Saturday night at 8:30ish. My cousin has run down to visit her family in St. George. My grandma picked me up from work (at Target) around 7:30pm. I got off at 7. My brain aches with prices, numbers and other various things that I have been learning at my new job. I'm making like $6.50 an hour. It's not bad, it isn' good though, either. Grandma asked me if I saw anyone that I knew while I was at work. I said, Grandma...I know no one. It's true. I know no one out here but family, and no one my age, but Amy. I feel like a tool. I follow Amy around like a sick, sad puppy, and when she isn't around, I have nothing to do.
NOTHING.
My heart aches to have someone show up at the door and be like, HEIDI!! I missed you. I miss seeing people that I graduated with and laughing because they gained a ton of weight. I miss freinds. I miss people my own age. I miss the annoying gossip from fake girls who have no self-esteem. I feel...alone, worthless, and worst of all, I feel like there is no one out there thinking about me. My heart aches for a smile, an aknowledgement that isn't from family, or coworkers. I want to know that someone knows me in a social perspective. I feel down and the more down I feel, the more depressed I get.
"Damned, looking into the sky
I can feel this rain
right now it's falling on me
fly, I just want to fly
life is all mine
some day I cry alone,
but I know I'm not the only one
I see that another day is gone
I don't wanna die…
Please be here when I'll arrive, don't die… please"
-Lacuna Coil "Falling"
I wanted to go to a movie. Grandma's back hurts, she says call someone. Everyone I know is in Provo. Can I go to Provo, Grandma? Not tonight. It's to late, she replys. I'm going to go crazy. What do I have to look foreward to?
Nothing.
I'm wallowing in self-pity as the clouds of darkness close over my heart. I'm forgetting what its like to be happy. My smile is painted on when I go to work and as soon as I'm home it gets wiped off my face like the farce that it is. How do you get out of a slump like this? Trick is...you can't. I won't be happy till I'm back up at school doing my own thing with my own freinds, and not trapped in a basement with my computer as my only comfort. At least it helps me to pass the time as I go from work to home, work to home. Monotonous... slowly killing me one shift at a time. Luckly the work isn't to bad... if I was at home, it wouldn't be bad at all. Unfortunaly..there is no Target at home, and I am not at home, and that's the way its going to be until home comes to me in June. That will just complicate an already bad situation...
"watch us go down in flames it's all right, it's ok it was gonna happen anyway, we had our chance, made our point but your not going take that..."
-RBF "Down in Flames"
I will soon be going down in flames. I assume this post has gotten really long now. *sigh* Whatever.
You say you're down you can’t lose that frown
Life sucks. What else is new? That’s tough.
There's not much you can do- you're not the only one not havin’ any fun
I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through
I've been depressed and I get so stressed
Life sucks. I don't wonder why. That's tough.
I just keep on tryin’, so I won’t be the one not havin’ any fun
I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through
I'm not givin’ up yet that's not the end of me
But it's not gonna be all right you'll see, you’ll see!
I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through
Cheer Up!
-more RBF
That's what I need to do. Cheer up dammit. Didn't work.. My little ray of sunshine is that maybe, somewhere there is a boy that is thinking about me. Maybe someone is sad like me...maybe... maybe thats a whole crock of shit. Yeah, I bet that's it.