(no subject)
Today ( Valentine's day ) marks a year of me being with Kenny. Its been a wonderful year, drama caused by others aside. And speaking of drama. . .
I've realised I'm somewhat a pessimist in thought, but at heart I'm an optimist.
Like, I'll always think the most negative thing possible. Even if its something completely weird and random and off the wall. But in my heart I know and hope everything will work out in the end and everyone will be happy.
Of course.
Nothing ever works out the the worst or the best. I need to learn to balance my heart and my mind. Things won't work out exactly how I think they should. People change and don't change, situations change and stay the same, relationships grow stronger and relationships fail. Which is a good thing, because the constant change and amorphous nature of people's relationships and interactions with others is what makes bad things dissolve and makes way for good things.
What brings this on? Oh. . .the usual. stuff with Kyle. . . ( this is how you can tell my relationship with Kenny is pretty strong, I'm never worried about it. )
I know he's unhappy with Tony, his bf. I'm not sure why, one would think that 5-6 years means there's something more there than simply financial comfort. But what do I know, right? I've seen them happy together and, you know, really close, so I know that's possible. But lately. . . I dunno. I worry that Kyle's going to find someone else and our little "family" will be broken. It makes me cry.
I've never felt so much belonging before. I've always felt like the odd one out when with other people. The first time I recall having a group of friends was in SnowFlake. . .My Aunt introduced me to the daughter of one of her friends. We hung out and I did stuff with her group of friends. . . but they were kinda churchies. And. . . the gal wanted to prove how good fo a little wifey she could be to me. I think they'd not have talked to me if they knew I was genuinely annoyed by a lot of the religious stuff. I'm not sure how they would have reacted to me being gay. . .
The next group of people was an online group, based on the ElfWood art galleries and the #Lothlorien chat rooms. It's hard to feel a solid feeling of belonging when the closest person is several hundred miles away. I love the friends I made there, even though we rarely talk anymore, and they most certainly helped me not become a typical drug addict out in Dolan, but something still felt like it was missing. . . .
Then I moved here to wonderful Phoenix and eventually found the Deviants. This was a wonderful time for me, finally people I could be myself around and have the physical love I need. Unfortunately after a while I realised that I felt uncomfortable a lot of the time because who I really am is a lot more reserved than everyone else. I never have wanted to be hyper sexual ( though I kinda fell into that, but I covered that before ) and I don't really drink, I have no desire to be drunk and most drinks taste like alcohol more than anything else to me. . .and many other things. As with my Lothies, I still love my Deviants a lot, but I didn't really have a sense of belonging, you know?
So after I met Kenny for a while it was just random hanging out with a few people, but nothing that felt like those groups of friends you see in comic and on TV and all. I thought such things were made up.
Then I met Kyle and began going over to his place. After I got over being afraid of Tony and Kenny started feeling like he was actually welcome we started hanging out together and pretty much have been a unit since then. We've spent the major holidays together and it's been wonderful. I don't want it to end. . . I wish I knew what to do. . .
I've realised I'm somewhat a pessimist in thought, but at heart I'm an optimist.
Like, I'll always think the most negative thing possible. Even if its something completely weird and random and off the wall. But in my heart I know and hope everything will work out in the end and everyone will be happy.
Of course.
Nothing ever works out the the worst or the best. I need to learn to balance my heart and my mind. Things won't work out exactly how I think they should. People change and don't change, situations change and stay the same, relationships grow stronger and relationships fail. Which is a good thing, because the constant change and amorphous nature of people's relationships and interactions with others is what makes bad things dissolve and makes way for good things.
What brings this on? Oh. . .the usual. stuff with Kyle. . . ( this is how you can tell my relationship with Kenny is pretty strong, I'm never worried about it. )
I know he's unhappy with Tony, his bf. I'm not sure why, one would think that 5-6 years means there's something more there than simply financial comfort. But what do I know, right? I've seen them happy together and, you know, really close, so I know that's possible. But lately. . . I dunno. I worry that Kyle's going to find someone else and our little "family" will be broken. It makes me cry.
I've never felt so much belonging before. I've always felt like the odd one out when with other people. The first time I recall having a group of friends was in SnowFlake. . .My Aunt introduced me to the daughter of one of her friends. We hung out and I did stuff with her group of friends. . . but they were kinda churchies. And. . . the gal wanted to prove how good fo a little wifey she could be to me. I think they'd not have talked to me if they knew I was genuinely annoyed by a lot of the religious stuff. I'm not sure how they would have reacted to me being gay. . .
The next group of people was an online group, based on the ElfWood art galleries and the #Lothlorien chat rooms. It's hard to feel a solid feeling of belonging when the closest person is several hundred miles away. I love the friends I made there, even though we rarely talk anymore, and they most certainly helped me not become a typical drug addict out in Dolan, but something still felt like it was missing. . . .
Then I moved here to wonderful Phoenix and eventually found the Deviants. This was a wonderful time for me, finally people I could be myself around and have the physical love I need. Unfortunately after a while I realised that I felt uncomfortable a lot of the time because who I really am is a lot more reserved than everyone else. I never have wanted to be hyper sexual ( though I kinda fell into that, but I covered that before ) and I don't really drink, I have no desire to be drunk and most drinks taste like alcohol more than anything else to me. . .and many other things. As with my Lothies, I still love my Deviants a lot, but I didn't really have a sense of belonging, you know?
So after I met Kenny for a while it was just random hanging out with a few people, but nothing that felt like those groups of friends you see in comic and on TV and all. I thought such things were made up.
Then I met Kyle and began going over to his place. After I got over being afraid of Tony and Kenny started feeling like he was actually welcome we started hanging out together and pretty much have been a unit since then. We've spent the major holidays together and it's been wonderful. I don't want it to end. . . I wish I knew what to do. . .