(no subject)
finally an outside ultimatum to end my masochistic relationship. let me realize we never made that good of a couple; only that good of a dysfunctional unit. even that time, the yelling leaving threats, the mad times at parties when he was chatting up other girls, the 'you should start working out; before you get old enough that your metabolism isn't enough,' times that felt good yesterday. three times i tried...now its gone. Its probably because
I was so in love with him. I forgot how really non-functional our relationship was, really. I will always blame it on him. It would have worked out if he could have grown with me ( i was only 18 when i met him) and i was always a smoker and a never-working-outer and then he checked out. he checked out way before the one and half years dedicated to off and (leading) on (he'll never admit it). I always figured these times (the on times) to be him figuring it out times. FAILURE: I already figured. It took until today to realize that there really isn't thing to figure. DANIEL and I are done, probably forever. He is going to always be my first love and I will, for a reasonable while, hope he will come around, make a good effort at being a good couple
But really, it is dead. He is dead as a yard stick. We were never a good couple. he wanted to flirt with other girls. I wanted kind and affectionate attention and an occasional spontaneous thoughtful act (basically just contraband make-outs and sex or flowers)
I want to pull out all of the friend stops (even if this is just a vindictive measure) and ask him to fix me up or introduce me to one of his friends that might suit me. we're concentrating on being friends, he has decided. might as well treat him as i would a friend who is a girl to reduce the hormonal attraction we both admit.
I was so in love with him. I forgot how really non-functional our relationship was, really. I will always blame it on him. It would have worked out if he could have grown with me ( i was only 18 when i met him) and i was always a smoker and a never-working-outer and then he checked out. he checked out way before the one and half years dedicated to off and (leading) on (he'll never admit it). I always figured these times (the on times) to be him figuring it out times. FAILURE: I already figured. It took until today to realize that there really isn't thing to figure. DANIEL and I are done, probably forever. He is going to always be my first love and I will, for a reasonable while, hope he will come around, make a good effort at being a good couple
But really, it is dead. He is dead as a yard stick. We were never a good couple. he wanted to flirt with other girls. I wanted kind and affectionate attention and an occasional spontaneous thoughtful act (basically just contraband make-outs and sex or flowers)
I want to pull out all of the friend stops (even if this is just a vindictive measure) and ask him to fix me up or introduce me to one of his friends that might suit me. we're concentrating on being friends, he has decided. might as well treat him as i would a friend who is a girl to reduce the hormonal attraction we both admit.