Forsaken - chapter six
The bundle consisted of delicate fruits, ceremonial incense and exquisite robes made of the finest silks. Kazuya sighed and lowered his gaze to the girl at his side. The gifts seemed like such a futile gesture, but what choice did he have? He had nothing finer that he could bestow upon his shogun, and even if he did it was unlikely that it would work to appease the man’s distaste for him and his family.
“Do we have to go?” the girl asked. Her name was Megumi, she was nine years old and she was everything to him. She was his sister.
“You already know the answer to that, Megumi.” He smiled and squeezed her hand comfortingly. “All of the families must send representatives to honour the shogun on his birthday.”
The girl nodded and seemed to puzzle over his words for a moment, before taking a step forward as though to lead the way. “The shogun is not happy with father.” She said quietly, and Kazuya could only blink in surprise. “He has sided with the barbarians...”
“Where did you hear that?” Kazuya barely succeeded in disguising the anger from his voice. Who had made it known to the child that her father had acted so disgracefully?
“Everyone’s saying it.” She turned to him and smiled sadly. “Are you afraid, older brother?” It struck him then how very like their mother she was, and found himself having to swallow away his sadness. It was not yet half a year since complications in child-birth had taken her from them. She had been too old, the doctors had said, nearing her thirty fifth year. The baby had not survived.
“I will make it known that our allegiance lies with the Shogun, that we are not traitors to the Bakufu.” His voice was calm but his heart was pounding. “We have no reason to be afraid.”
Again the girl nodded but she did not look convinced. “Here,” she reached into her robes and then held her hand up to him, “mother gave me this.” Kazuya held out his palm and accepted the small toy that he knew to be his sister’s greatest treasure. “It will keep us safe. That’s what mother said.”
Kazuya could offer no response but he placed it safely within his robes and then allowed her to guide him in the direction of the castle.
~*~*~*~
The sickening sound of a lamp smashing forced Kazuya to release his hold on Jin. It was with great difficulty that he, along with three other guards, succeeded in quelling the flames that spilled out through the shards, but their small victory was short lived as Jin seemed to have worked himself into a panicked frenzy.
“Where is it?” Kazuya could make out his shape in the darkness, his hands clasped around a guards throat as he screamed in his face.
“M-my Lord?” the terrified man stammered, too afraid to defend himself from his Lord’s crazed fury.
“You know what!” Jin smacked his face, and then as though forgetting his very existence released him and launched himself at another man. “I need it! Find me my drug!”
“What drug?” the second man’s behaviour mirrored the first’s.
Jin howled with laughter and threw the man to the ground kicking him. “I’m not a fool!” He shouted. “You all think that I don’t know! But I do!” He moved to seize a third man but lost his balance and fell crashing to the ground. “YOU’RE ALL PLOTTING AGAINST ME!” He cried, and Kazuya could hear the genuine fear in his voice. “At least give me what I need before you turn against me.” He sobbed, trying and failing to climb to his feet.
Kazuya pushed through Jin’s men, who were all crowded round him at a loss as to how to react. “Jin?” he knelt and reached out though the shadows to find the frightened man.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Jin screamed and began to thrash in his panic, his fist smashing into Kazuya’s jaw. The geisha grunted in pain as the force knocked him to the right, his already impaired vision blurring even further. His hands, confused by the impact, attempted to prevent his fall and shield his face at the same time, the result of which was him slumping uncomfortably onto his side.
“Kazuya?” Jin gasped, realising what he’d done. And within seconds, Kazuya felt his body being dragged back up and into Jin’s trembling arms. “Not you...” the man gasped, hands moving quickly as though unsure how he should touch his injured servant, “I didn’t mean to...don’t leave me.” His voice was but a whimper now, and Kazuya had to fight back the urge to pull away from the man’s madness. “Please don’t leave me.” Taking a deep breath, Kazuya successfully pulled himself upright and wrapped his arms around his Lord.
“Jin?” he whispered and reached for the man’s hair, stroking it and kissing his cheek gently. Jin leaned in closer to his touch and nodded slowly. “I’m not going to leave you, it’s ok.”
“It hurts.” Jin breathed, burying his face in Kazuya’s chest. “It hurts...and it’s going to get worse...you have to get it for me...”
“I can’t, Jin.” Kazuya gulped and prepared himself for Jin to turn violent again, but the samurai did not.
“I’m scared.” Kazuya was certain that he alone could hear his Lord’s whispers now, and he was glad, for if Jin’s men heard such an admittance, it would be beyond shameful for the confused daimyo.
“Go inside Jin.” Kazuya whispered and kissed him again. “I’ll be with you soon.” He could see Jin’s eyes through the darkness, watching him with uncertainty and so he smiled. “I promise.”
Jin hesitated and then nodded, crawling awkwardly to his feet and then stumbling unsteadily towards the sliding doors that separated his quarters from the guarded corridor. Only when the Lord was completely out of sight did Kazuya exhale in relief and pull himself to his feet. Painfully aware of the six guards that observed him as though he were a dangerous criminal. He turned to them and stepped forward.
~*~*~*~
The atmosphere in the hall was suffocating as they entered, and Kazuya immediately felt Megumi tighten her hold on his hand. The proper etiquette would have been for them to release each other and bow but no power on earth would have persuaded him to let go of her little hand.
“Kamenashi.” Tokugawa rose to his feet, his malicious amusement clear in his voice as much as on his face. Kazuya bowed his head and was relieved to feel his sister mimicking the action beside him. The room contained several other young heirs to clans, but Kazuya was not intimately familiar with any of them. “You dare to show your face here?” Kazuya bit his lip but said nothing. “You are, I assume, aware of your father’s treachery?” He nodded. The shogun folded his arms, triumphant. “Well, what do you have you say for yourself?”
Kazuya swallowed and then raised his head, ensuring that his eyes remained cast down. “I beg that we should be allowed to continue serving the Bakufu.” He was shamefully aware of how weak his voice sounded. “We do not agree with our father’s methods and will fight to bring him and his clan...”
“You would turn against your father?” Tokugawa barked over him. Kazuya nodded heavily. “Disgraceful!” Kazuya felt his heart drop. “You should offer your lives in apology and die with honour. Your father and his clan are traitors but you...” he shook his head, “you have turned your back on your family.”
“In love of my Shogun!” Kazuya cried.
“I do not require the love of a traitor’s son!” The leader spat. He held out his arms and beckoned to the other families in the room. “I have plenty of clans at my disposal!” He smiled and cast his glance over his subjects. “They come from honourable families that serve me, what would I need you for?”
“Let us prove ourselves!” Kazuya fell to his knees, dragging Megumi down with him. “We will serve you!”
The shogun tutted and turned away. “You have no honour.” He muttered and then turned back swiftly. “The proper thing to do would be to kill your sister and then yourself.” He paused and bit his lip, making a show of his ponderings. “But I am not an unreasonable master.” He smiled, “perhaps an agreement could be reached...”
Kazuya could barely breathe as he pressed his fingers into the floor, face down, pulse throbbing.
“A vote!” the Shogun sang out. “You two may rise.” Kazuya would have preferred to remain bowed but he had no choice but to obey. “Two sacrifices; one sacrifice and a pardon; or two pardons. All in favour of two sacrifices.” Kazuya doubted that he’d ever felt as much hatred towards the Shogunate as he did at that moment. Five men raised their hands. Tokugawa nodded thoughtfully. “The girls death, and the boys pardon.” The leader continued, and Kazuya felt faint as the majority of the room raised their hands. The shogun clapped his hands together in delight. “And two pardons?” A single arm was raised.
“Akanishi?” the shogun did not disguise the shock from his voice. Kazuya glanced towards the handsome stranger, whose eyes were fixed in the opposite direction. The young man said nothing, barely even acknowledging his Shogun. Tokugawa blinked a few times and then turned back to Kazuya. “Kamenashi!” he sang out. “Kill your sister.”
He felt Megumi’s frightened eyes upon him as the world slowed down and his mind transformed into jelly. His jaw, it seemed, had taken on a life of it’s own and had wired itself shut, as he sat there frozen.
“Do it, or you both die.” Tokugawa snapped, and threw a blade onto the ground before them. “This is a message for your father...and for all others who dare to defy me.”
“My Lord...I...” Kazuya gasped as he felt tears rising in his eyes. Disbelief clogging his senses and slowing his reflexes.
“Are you choosing to defy me too?” The shogun asked quietly. “I’ll tell you one more time. Kill her.”
“I...” Kazuya had not yet decided how to protest when a movement from Megumi caught his attention and he turned just in time to witness the child plunging the blade into her stomach.
The scene then blurred out as shock and revulsion and despair forced Kazuya’s mind to shut down. He was moving, but all awareness of where or how was lost. He knew nothing and he saw nothing; emptiness filled him and threatened to suck him into it’s void. Pain was beyond him. He was but a shell, running through the darkness, blind, fearless, alone.
But all things pass and eventually Kazuya’s mind returned, and with it came all the pain and all the hatred, and the absolute knowledge that he would never allow himself to be dragged into the world of the Bakufu again.
~*~*~*~
The men regarded him with a bizarre blend of disgust and fascination as he approached them. Kazuya pushed his shoulders back and glared at them each in turn. “Someone find another lamp.” He spoke quietly but he could tell that everyone present recognised his authority. It felt strange stepping back into the shoes of power but he had no time to dwell on it, as all of his focus would have to be directed at these six men. If he could not control them then there was no hope. He waited for one of them to retrieve a light before beginning his speech.
“You have all witnessed Lord Akanishi’s recent behaviour.” He felt his tongue slip back into the once familiar language of the upper classes. But the men that he addressed seemed too bewildered and confused by the nights events to notice. “He has sought me out to help him.” They glanced at each other then but Kazuya did not allow their doubt to phase him. “I have agreed to do so but I can only do that with your help.”
“Our help?” Haruki asked. Kazuya blinked surprised to see him there.
He nodded. “You must not under any circumstances provide him with the drug that he seeks.”
“But we cannot disobey a dir...”
“You must.” Kazuya cut over the youngest guard, who was staring at him sheepishly. “No matter what he says, what he asks you to do, you must ignore him. I have seen addiction like this before.” He knew that he exaggerated, for though he had witnessed it from afar, he had never been in such close proximity to a sufferer. But he had heard plenty of stories on his travels and though it filled him with dread, knew what to expect. “It could kill him.” The guards immediately seemed to grow solemn and a new sort of tension entered the air. “If you are loyal to him then you will trust me. I will take care of him.”
“You?” the guard that had received a beating from Akanishi practically spat. “How can you help? You’re nothing but his whore!”
Kazuya sprang forward and seized the man by the throat, but the guard was not about to willing receive a second beating, especially not from someone that he regarded as lowly as Kazuya. He attempted to block the taikomochi’s attack and reached to his belt for his sword. But Kazuya had no patience for the man’s antics and moved quickly to disarm and disable him, pinning him easily against the wall, arms caught behind his back. He felt his body surge with a power that he had not allowed it in many years, and his muscles seemed to sing as they acted out moves that he hadn’t known that he remembered.
“You don’t know anything about me.” He snarled, increasing the pressure on the man’s arms and extracting a pained whimper. Around them the other guards stared, fear and respect blended across their features. Kazuya released his hold and stepped back. “I am not an enemy.” He said firmly, confident that he had finally caught the guards’ attentions. “I will help him. Please let me.” He bowed then, swift and courteous but not deferential.
The men looked at each other for what to Kazuya felt like an excruciatingly long time and then Haruki spoke. “What do you need us to do?”
Kazuya felt his body relax as he exhaled and smiled, relief rushing through him. “Water, food, clean clothes and bedding.” The men started to nod. “Whatever you hear, do not heed it.” He lowered his eyes as the reality of what was coming hit him. “I’ve never seen anyone affected this badly. The withdrawal will be painful...and we might need to restrain him.” The men looked uneasy and Kazuya couldn’t blame them. “Does anyone have any information on Yamashita Tomohisa?”
One of the men snorted and looked smug. “He’s been taken care of.”
Kazuya frowned and crossed his arms. “What does that mean?”
“Arrested. Just as he deserves! He did this to our Lord!”
“Do you know where he’s being held?” Kazuya asked calmly, unsure why he felt the need to extract such information.
The samurai shrugged. “Sure, he’s still samurai after all. It’s not like we’d throw him in with common merchants and peasants.”
“Not that it makes much difference.” Another man joined. “They’ll still break him.”
“So he’s still alive?”
The two men glanced at each other and then the second one shrugged and spoke again. “I think so…but he won’t be for long. The Shogun demands that anyone caught with opium be executed.”
Kazuya nodded thoughtfully. “Do you think that you could send a message? Try to keep him alive until our Lord has recovered.”
The men frowned and glanced at each other again. Kazuya was beginning to find the action irritating. “Why?” Haruki asked.
“I’m not sure.” Kazuya smiled weakly, “I just think that it would be best.”
~*~*~*~
Kazuya was really out there, talking to his men, talking about what? Jin pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them as he tried to concentrate on his breathing. His very bones screamed their silent protest as his muscles tensed painfully. He let out a quiet sob. How long had it been? Twelve hours? More? The pain had already been growing before he’d reached Tomohisa’s home, had already been verging on unbearable. Would it get worse? Yes. He already knew that. Had experienced it before. The pain would just keep growing until he satisfied his need and partook in the substance. Except this time he couldn’t do that. This time Kazuya was here to prevent it. He tightened his hold on his legs as chills began to creep through his body.
Kazuya was out there...still. What was taking him so long? He’d promised that he wouldn’t leave. Did that mean anything? What if he’d already gone? Why would he stay? It wasn’t as though Kazuya cared about him. No-one cared about him. He was just a mistake, a dangerous fault in the world’s design. Kazuya must have left already. Either that or he was part of the plot. A jolt of pain hit him in the stomach and he gasped, toppling awkwardly onto his side and crying out as the pain in his back and limbs intensified. There was a plot against him, Jin was certain of that, he could hear them whispering in the shadows, trying to draw him in. They wanted to hurt him, even those that pretended to care. Because he was the hated leader, a shame to his father’s name. They wanted to crush him, to hurt him, to tear his body apart slowly and revel in his screams. They wanted this, he knew it, but he couldn’t see them, didn’t even know where to look.
“Kazuya?” he cried out quietly and tried to sit up. Was the man that he loved really a part of the plot? Did he really hate him that much? Jin couldn’t see why he wouldn’t be. He’d condemned him to a life of shame and humiliation. Had forced him to become a taikomochi and had revelled in his effeminate beauty, knowing the whole time how much the beautiful young actor had detested it. He’d unwillingly forced himself on the frightened boy and then too hurt and ashamed of the pain that he’d caused, had thrown him away. Why else would Kazuya have returned if not for revenge?
Nausea rocked through him and he began to heave. But his body, too weak and empty, simply shook as he struggled to breathe. It was so cold and it hurt so much, and there was no hope. Kazuya had either abandoned him or was preparing to humiliate and hurt him. He raised his trembling hand to his face and sobbed.
“Jin?” the voice was quiet and warm, but distant. He didn’t move or react, too afraid of what he would see if he raised his head. And then he was being lifted and half carried to the room at the back of his quarters; his sleeping area. The bedding had already been set out for him by one of the servants and so Kazuya simply had to lower him onto the futon. Jin turned his face away, tears still flowing from his closed, tired eyes. What he didn’t expect was to feel Kazuya wrapping the light sheets around the both of them, warm hands pulling him close and hot breath on his face. He opened his eyes and took in the sight of the man before him.
“You didn’t leave.” He whispered, and even he knew that it must have sounded stupid.
Kazuya smiled and moved the hair from Jin’s eyes. “You’re going to have to get used to that.” He moved in closer, “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry.” Jin babbled, as he felt the tiniest glimmer of hope struggle through the clouds of doubt. “For hurting you. And for sending you away. And for...everything.” He gripped Kazuya’s wrist loosely.
“It’s ok.” Kazuya soothed, but Jin knew it to be a lie.
“No it’s not.” He felt himself moving closer craving Kazuya’s warmth. His head ached and he wished that he could sort through his confused thoughts. He wanted to believe that Kazuya was telling the truth. He’d always asked him to do so after all. But what if he wasn’t? He blinked and stared into the deep, gentle eyes that looked upon him with care and concern. And then he made a choice. “I trust you.” He tried to focus on steadying his trembling limbs. “I don’t deserve...” he trailed off as speaking became difficult and confusing for a moment but then he recovered and felt the words spill quickly from his lips. “You have no reason to forgive me or to help me, I don’t deserve it.” Kazuya moved as though to interrupt but Jin shook his head. “I don’t have anyone else, Kazuya. I want to have someone. I want you to...” another stab of pain in his stomach caused him to jerk and tighten his hold on Kazuya’s arm.
He felt Kazuya’s lips against his cheek as the man shushed him. “Try to sleep now Jin.” The actor whispered. “I’m here. I promise I won’t leave.”
Jin turned his head and parted his lips, inviting Kazuya to kiss him. And when the man did, he felt a tingle of warmth burrow through the darkness and the pain and the cold. He smiled and closed his eyes and held onto his love as though the land below them would split if they were ever to pull apart.
~*~*~*~
Jin stumbled and they both fell. Kazuya cursed quietly; he should have prevented it, should have been able to, but he was just too tired. “Let go.” Jin was struggling again, not caring whether his thrashing limbs caused either of them harm. “I’ve failed, just let me go.” Kazuya pushed himself back up onto his knees and tried to concentrate on blinking, his heavy lids protesting every movement, begging him to let them rest.
“Come back to bed Jin.” The words echoed in his ears and the light around him seemed to be being delivered in flashes.
“There’s no point!” Jin was crying again and Kazuya had given up hope on ever making him stop. “I should die with honour...like a warrior!”
Kazuya knew that he should argue, comfort, convince Jin that it would get better but his mind was rapidly locking itself down and the appropriate words were beyond him. Four days had passed since Kazuya had come back into Jin’s life and the Samurai Lord’s condition had deteriorated fast. Insomnia had grabbed ahold of him, allowing him no release from the pain and discomfort that the withdrawal lashed him with. Each time that Jin had woken from his short, fitful slumbers Kazuya too had been forced to rise, for it had quickly become apparent to him that Jin was more of a danger to himself than anyone else.
He’d started speaking of suicide towards the end of the second day.
“Jin please.” Kazuya pushed himself unsteadily back onto his feet. “Hold out a little longer...”
“I can’t!” He couldn’t be sure whether or not Jin was yelling or not as he swayed uncomfortably.
“You can...just come back to bed...stay with me.” He moved unsteadily in Jin’s direction and reached out for him. “Please...for me.” He yawned and it felt as though the remainder of his energy had been sapped from his body.
“Ok.” The answer was too simple and sudden but Kazuya was too exhausted to care, as his concentrated on pulling his lover back towards their futon.
~*~*~*~
The screams were so distant that they were barely worth worrying about. Besides the dream was so warm and comforting and safe that Kazuya didn’t want to leave. But the screams were persistent and they grew louder with each passing moment. Kazuya groaned and tried to focus on the dream...but what had it been? Where was he? The screams grew louder. Where was Jin?
His eyes snapped open as the din reached an unbearable level. And then he saw it. Blood splattering the walls, the floor, even himself, and in the middle of it all sat Jin, crying and rocking as he forced the blade across his naked flesh, crying out in agony at each new laceration.
“Jin!” Kazuya could hardly think as he sprung forward to force the weapon from Jin’s hand. But the hysterical samurai Lord was not about to be defeated with such ease. And as Kazuya moved so did Jin, falling back unsteadily onto his heels and pointing his weapon at the geisha.
“No!” the bloody man’s voice trembled and his weapon hand shook. “This is my choice.” Kazuya felt sick. Wounds of various size and depth decorated the man’s arms, legs and torso. “It’s the only way to make the pain stop.” His eyes were wide and bloodshot from lack of sleep, his cheeks sallow, lips chapped, hair a tangled mess hanging across his face.
“You’ll kill yourself.” Kazuya didn’t recognise his own voice as he choked out the event that he’d grown to fear most. “You’re too weak, Jin, your body can’t...”
“I know!” Jin smiled. “It’ll be better that way though.” He stared down at his bleeding stomach. “I couldn’t do it properly...” he swallowed. “Not like a real warrior.” He raised his sad eyes to Kazuya’s, “I’m not...I’m not...” his shaking seemed to be becoming more intense.
“Put the knife down, Jin.” Kazuya crawled closer, concentrating on maintaining eye contact and not staring at the weapon that was being held but a couple of inches away from his face. “Please.”
“Why?” Jin snapped. “What does it matter to you?” Kazuya paused; it was the first time in days that Jin had really acknowledged him or their muddled relationship. “Why are you here Kazuya?”
“To help.” He said quietly.
Jin laughed and waved the knife around a little. “To help? But you hate me. I’m Akanishi Jin! Everyone hates me. Haven’t you heard?” He sniffed. “Why am i fighting this Kazuya?” He looked at him imploringly. “What’s the point? Even if I get better they’re still going to...” A flash of anger in his eyes and he turned the knife on himself again, pressing it into the flesh of his forearm.
But Kazuya was not prepared to sit and watch his love destroy himself, and with great ease he moved forward and disarmed his Lord, successfully pinning the man’s arms against his chest and forcing him into an embrace as he did so. Jin cried out weakly in alarm at the strength of his Taikomochi but Kazuya paid no attention to his fear. “You bastard!” He snarled and squeezed Jin, causing the Lord to shudder from the pain of his open flesh. “You think that I hate you? You think that I’m doing this to exact some kind of revenge later?” Jin started to struggle but Kazuya was relentless in his hold. “Look at me!” He practically shouted, furious that Jin thought so little of him. Jin continued his attempt to break free but quickly realising that his attempts were futile, he raised his tired eyes to Kazuya’s face. The action caused some of the actor’s fury to ebb away and he loosened his hold slightly so as to make their position more comfortable for Jin. “I missed you.” He said quietly, “when you sent me away, I hoped everyday that you would come for me.”
Jin looked puzzled. “Why?”
Kazuya smiled. “Because I wanted a second chance...to be what you wanted me to be.”
Jin frowned. “A geisha?”
“That’s not what you really wanted.” Kazuya smiled knowingly and held eye contact with his Lord. Jin however seemed to be growing increasingly uncomfortable and so lowered his gaze.
“Taikomochi...” Jin whispered, “they were once...more than just entertainers.” His eyes flickered upwards and then back down again. “They were advisors...friends even, to their Lords.” He swallowed. “They were respected...indispensable.”
Realising that Jin had given up on his struggling, Kazuya loosened his hold again and reached tentatively to place his palm against Jin’s damp cheek. “Is that what you wanted?” he asked gently.
Jin just laughed. “Does a madman ever really know what he wants?” He glanced around the room and then briefly back at Kazuya. “You and Pi...you’re the only two things that have ever been real. Everything else is fake, structured, polite. Everyone is so aware of their place and so afraid to lose it. Pi couldn’t...” He shook his head.
The moment was serious, Kazuya knew that, Jin was in pain and still needed him, but he couldn’t help but silently rejoice. He wasn’t out of the darkness yet but sense seemed to be returning to the troubled Lord’s mind. He was speaking of feelings Kazuya remembered only too well; the isolation, fear and uncertainty of being high up in the rankings of the Bakufu. Yes, the feelings were were painful, but they were real.
“Pi couldn’t handle it.” Jin continued. “He was always...better than me.” He raised his eyes as though searching for surprise or disagreement in Kazuya’s expression but the Taikomochi remained passive. “Do you really think that I can do this?”
Kazuya bit his lip, smiled and then leaned in, capturing his Lord’s lips with his own. He felt Jin freeze, no doubt shocked by the ferocity of the kiss, but he simply smirked and continued to devour. He snaked his arm around Jin’s naked torso, pulling him closer, hand stroking his back reassuringly. “You’ve got me now.” He whispered huskily as they broke apart, “you don’t have to be a lord or a leader to please me.” He moved his hand slowly down the trembling man’s spine, until it reached the only area that was still concealed. “All I want is the man.” He squeezed a taut buttock and smirked as Jin’s eyes widened in surprise. “We take this a day at a time,” he leaned forward and started to plant tiny kisses along Jin’s collar-bones and throat, “you and me. Nothing else matters.”
“They’re coming for me.” Jin groaned and Kazuya felt triumph rising in his chest as his arm brushed against the man’s growing erection.
“Let them come.” His kisses had reached the jawline, he pulled back and tempted Jin with his eyes. “You’re mine. They can’t have you.”
Jin blinked and then leaned in, hungry for another kiss, craving the domination that Kazuya was offering. Kazuya obliged but not for as long as Jin would have liked. “Don’t stop.” The samurai moaned, and leaned forward desperately but Kazuya shook his head.
“I want you.” He whispered, “you...you have no idea how much I...”
“Then do it.” Jin’s hands seemed to be everywhere at once, searching for a pleasure spot of some sort, something to make Kazuya act. But the young actor knew that he could not. “You’re too sick Jin.” He cupped the man’s face and leaned forward so that their foreheads could touch. “And I need to clean these wounds.”
Jin slumped, his eyes seeking out the floor as though he were suddenly ashamed of his earlier actions. But Kazuya was not about to lose him to his own self pity. “Follow me.” He said sternly, rising to his feet. Jin didn’t move. “Jin.” He glared down at the bloodied man. And when he still got no reaction he reached down, seized him by the shoulders and dragged him unceremoniously upright.
“Let go.” Jin snapped. “You can’t just...”
“I can do what I want!” Kazuya retaliated and started to pull him from the room.
“I could call my men!” Jin hissed as he struggled feebly.
“They wouldn’t listen to you.” Kazuya said calmly. “Do you know how many times you tried to have me beaten when you were delirious?”
Jin tired to stop but Kazuya wouldn’t allow it. “I did?”
“Yes.” Kazuya turned and looked at him, “you had a high fever, you didn’t know who I was.”
Kazuya couldn’t be sure whether Jin looked afraid, shocked or ashamed, perhaps it was a combination of the three. Either way, he stopped trying to resist and followed Kazuya obediently through to the front of his quarters. “Wait here.” The geisha guided him gently onto his knees and then crossed the room to find water, cloths and bandages. He then returned and set to work.
“Thank you.” Jin said quietly and then flinched as Kazuya applied pressure onto a particularly deep wound that stretched down into his inner thigh. Kazuya smiled and said nothing but he was painfully aware of the erection that Jin was powerless to conceal. He could feel his own sex throbbing with hidden desire. He was doing the right thing helping Jin, but he couldn’t deny that the well deserved rest that Jin had finally permitted him had caused a reawakening of his desires. And the subject of his fantasies was but a breath away; semi-naked, vulnerable and completely ready to be dominated.
It was with great difficulty that Kazuya continued his task, bathing the wounds and wrapping the deeper ones with bandages. His eyes flickering constantly between Jin’s injuries and the erection that seemed to grow bigger each time he attended an area of the man’s thighs or stomach. By the time he’d finished Jin’s breathing had started to quicken and when he looked up he saw that the man’s face was flushed and his eyes sparkled.
“Go to bed.” Kazuya said suddenly, reaching a decision, “strip off the rest of your clothes and be careful of your wounds.” Jin opened his mouth, obviously shocked but Kazuya immediately spoke over him. “Do as you’re told. I’ll be through in moment.” Jin rose unsteadily to his feet, his face cautious and uncertain. Kazuya smiled and stood up also, hesitated and then pulled Jin close for a quick kiss. “Don’t look so worried,” he whispered, “we’ll start off slow.”
“Come with me.” Jin hooked his hand through Kazuya’s own and stared at him enticingly.
“But I have to...” Kazuya beckoned towards the bloodied cloths and dirtied water. But Jin was unwilling to listen as he pressed himself up against him.
“That can wait.” He whispered and pulled gently, face alight with desire. Kazuya felt his breath catch; it was the first time since he’d returned that Jin had looked so alive. And suddenly all thoughts vacated his mind as he allowed himself to be pulled back in the direction of Jin’s bed.
His skin was alive with tension and desire as Jin pressed his lips against his throat. He groaned and wrapped his arms around his lover. Jin was smaller than he had been during their last intimacy; for drug abuse had ruined his manly figure leaving him much scrawnier. But Kazuya could not bring himself to feel repulsed as he traced his fingers over the man’s fading muscles. This was Jin; hot and alive and oh so very aroused. To the world he was a wreck of a man but to Kazuya he was beautiful. Jin was steadily growing more confident; Kazuya could tell by the pressure of his kisses and the gentle touches as he began to explore. The Taikomochi smiled and reached forward, unfastening the loin cloth that concealed Jin’s erection, taking care to brush against the man’s cock as the cloth fell. Jin gasped at the sensation and drew back.
“How do you want to do this?” Jin asked and Kazuya was sure that he detected a shyness in his companion. He smiled and started to work on releasing his own night-robes. He then pulled Jin forward, forcing the man to straddle his knees.
“I want to be inside you.” Kazuya breathed, feeling the robes fall away. “I want to look into your face while I fuck you slow ...” He felt Jin lean in closer seeking friction as desire sparkled in his eyes. “I want to hear you beg me...” he moved and fastened his hand around Jin’s cock, sliding it gently up and down. “I want to feel your tightness...” he slid his spare hand around to Jin’s ass, spread him and stroked his hole gently with his forefinger, relishing in the moan that the movement caused. “I want to feel you clench around me when you can’t hold back any longer.” He whispered, claiming the Lord’s mouth with his own. “I want to hear you cry my name.” He slowly started to insert a finger. “But you’re not ready for that yet...” he pushed the digit in further, not missing the shudder from Jin. “So instead I’m going to tease you.” He twisted his finger and jerked his wrist, causing Jin to cry out a mixture of pain and pleasure.
“Kazuya...” Jin gasped, his head falling forwards so that he was leaning against Kazuya’s forehead. Kazuya leaned up to kiss him and slowly began to withdraw his finger before sliding it carefully back in again. Jin’s breathing was ragged as his tired body shook with desire.
“Do you like that?” Kazuya whispered, sliding his thumb over the head of Jin’s cock. Jin nodded and moaned quietly. Kazuya smiled; he knew that he sounded confident but on the inside his nerves were trembling. If something went wrong then Jin might retreat back into himself and Kazuya was desperate for that not to happen. And so he repeated the slow, torturous movements, delighting in Jin’s shudders and whimpers; the marks that Jin’s short nails were imprinting in his back working only to arouse him further.
“Stop.” Jin gasped suddenly and Kazuya immediately withdrew, heart pounding. Had he done something wrong? Jin was sliding back, pulling away from him. Kazuya willed his mind to work, desperately searching for something to do or say, but Jin was moving again, and then there was only pleasure as hot lips fastened themselves around Kazuya’s erection. He gasped and fought the urge to thrust upwards as Jin worked his experienced tongue over him causing him to shiver and moan. And then Jin stopped and moved to push Kazuya onto his back, before taking him in again, further this time, fingers cradling and stroking in time with his lips.
“Lie down...” Kazuya gasped, reaching out feebly for his lover, “let me...” he groaned; it felt too good. Luckily it seemed that Jin understood his plea as the man pulled back again and turned his body positioning himself so that Kazuya could reach him with his own hands and mouth. And they were connected, each working to please the other, all heat and friction and pleasured moans. Kazuya could feel the pressure building but fought to prevent his release as he concentrated on swirling his tongue while bobbing his head. He could feel more than hear Jin moaning around his own cock, and that thought alone pushed him closer. He felt Jin jerk in his mouth and so he relaxed his throat and took him in further, relishing in the heightened vibrations that the Lord’s moans caused. And then his fingers were at Jin’s ass again and the noises and sensations that Jin was causing increased as the man fought to remain in control of his movements, as he was pleasured from two angles while his mouth and hands were filled with Kazuya.
Kazuya gasped as he felt Jin tense and the taste of his seed hit the back of his throat. And then he too felt his body constrict as waves of pleasure surged through him as he found his release. He felt Jin grow flaccid in his mouth and he drew back, panting as the after effects of his orgasm caused tingles to shudder through him.
“Kazuya?” He smiled as he heard Jin’s whisper. He pushed himself onto his elbows and gazed down at his lover. Jin was struggling to sit up, his injuries impending his movements, but his face was a vision of calm. Kazuya felt a surge of warmth in his chest; Jin had never looked more beautiful.
“Yes?” He reached out to fondle Jin’s thick, dark mop of hair.
“I’m tired.” The man whispered, and as if to prove his point, yawned loudly. Kazuya blinked; could it be that the withdrawal effects had reached their peak? Was Jin now safely on his road to recovery?
“Come here.” He whispered, shuffling to the right to create space for his love. Jin obeyed, his eyes blinking dopily as he collapsed into Kazuya’s embrace. “Go to sleep.”
“You’d better not leave!” Jin said as he closed his eyes. Kazuya was about to offer his usual reassuring response when he noticed a sly smile on Jin’s lips. “I like having you here.” Jin yawned and snuggled in closer. “From now on you’re a real Taikomochi.”
Kazuya frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
Jin smiled again. “Isn’t it obvious?” he yawned again and shuffled slightly to settle in his position. “You’re the most important person...you’re everything I need.”
Kazuya stared down at the man that he’d grown to treasure and felt his heart heat up at the simple, yet sentimental words. Jin looked so peaceful as he slipped into his much needed slumber. After four days he’d finally started to crawl out from the hell hole that his own soul had created. Kazuya was no fool, he knew that it wasn’t over, but for now at least Jin was able to rest. He smiled but there was sadness there; hope that Jin would soon return to him entirely; and fear regarding the secrets that he would be forced to share. Would Jin forgive him for his past dishonesty? Would he remember the day that had torn Kazuya from the life that he’d always known? Would he still love him when he realised that he too had once been a part of the world that the young Lord had grown to despise?
Kazuya sighed and leaned in to kiss Jin gently on the forehead. Worrying over such matters would have to wait. Jin wasn’t out of danger yet. For now, Kazuya had to be strong - for the both of them.
“Do we have to go?” the girl asked. Her name was Megumi, she was nine years old and she was everything to him. She was his sister.
“You already know the answer to that, Megumi.” He smiled and squeezed her hand comfortingly. “All of the families must send representatives to honour the shogun on his birthday.”
The girl nodded and seemed to puzzle over his words for a moment, before taking a step forward as though to lead the way. “The shogun is not happy with father.” She said quietly, and Kazuya could only blink in surprise. “He has sided with the barbarians...”
“Where did you hear that?” Kazuya barely succeeded in disguising the anger from his voice. Who had made it known to the child that her father had acted so disgracefully?
“Everyone’s saying it.” She turned to him and smiled sadly. “Are you afraid, older brother?” It struck him then how very like their mother she was, and found himself having to swallow away his sadness. It was not yet half a year since complications in child-birth had taken her from them. She had been too old, the doctors had said, nearing her thirty fifth year. The baby had not survived.
“I will make it known that our allegiance lies with the Shogun, that we are not traitors to the Bakufu.” His voice was calm but his heart was pounding. “We have no reason to be afraid.”
Again the girl nodded but she did not look convinced. “Here,” she reached into her robes and then held her hand up to him, “mother gave me this.” Kazuya held out his palm and accepted the small toy that he knew to be his sister’s greatest treasure. “It will keep us safe. That’s what mother said.”
Kazuya could offer no response but he placed it safely within his robes and then allowed her to guide him in the direction of the castle.
~*~*~*~
The sickening sound of a lamp smashing forced Kazuya to release his hold on Jin. It was with great difficulty that he, along with three other guards, succeeded in quelling the flames that spilled out through the shards, but their small victory was short lived as Jin seemed to have worked himself into a panicked frenzy.
“Where is it?” Kazuya could make out his shape in the darkness, his hands clasped around a guards throat as he screamed in his face.
“M-my Lord?” the terrified man stammered, too afraid to defend himself from his Lord’s crazed fury.
“You know what!” Jin smacked his face, and then as though forgetting his very existence released him and launched himself at another man. “I need it! Find me my drug!”
“What drug?” the second man’s behaviour mirrored the first’s.
Jin howled with laughter and threw the man to the ground kicking him. “I’m not a fool!” He shouted. “You all think that I don’t know! But I do!” He moved to seize a third man but lost his balance and fell crashing to the ground. “YOU’RE ALL PLOTTING AGAINST ME!” He cried, and Kazuya could hear the genuine fear in his voice. “At least give me what I need before you turn against me.” He sobbed, trying and failing to climb to his feet.
Kazuya pushed through Jin’s men, who were all crowded round him at a loss as to how to react. “Jin?” he knelt and reached out though the shadows to find the frightened man.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Jin screamed and began to thrash in his panic, his fist smashing into Kazuya’s jaw. The geisha grunted in pain as the force knocked him to the right, his already impaired vision blurring even further. His hands, confused by the impact, attempted to prevent his fall and shield his face at the same time, the result of which was him slumping uncomfortably onto his side.
“Kazuya?” Jin gasped, realising what he’d done. And within seconds, Kazuya felt his body being dragged back up and into Jin’s trembling arms. “Not you...” the man gasped, hands moving quickly as though unsure how he should touch his injured servant, “I didn’t mean to...don’t leave me.” His voice was but a whimper now, and Kazuya had to fight back the urge to pull away from the man’s madness. “Please don’t leave me.” Taking a deep breath, Kazuya successfully pulled himself upright and wrapped his arms around his Lord.
“Jin?” he whispered and reached for the man’s hair, stroking it and kissing his cheek gently. Jin leaned in closer to his touch and nodded slowly. “I’m not going to leave you, it’s ok.”
“It hurts.” Jin breathed, burying his face in Kazuya’s chest. “It hurts...and it’s going to get worse...you have to get it for me...”
“I can’t, Jin.” Kazuya gulped and prepared himself for Jin to turn violent again, but the samurai did not.
“I’m scared.” Kazuya was certain that he alone could hear his Lord’s whispers now, and he was glad, for if Jin’s men heard such an admittance, it would be beyond shameful for the confused daimyo.
“Go inside Jin.” Kazuya whispered and kissed him again. “I’ll be with you soon.” He could see Jin’s eyes through the darkness, watching him with uncertainty and so he smiled. “I promise.”
Jin hesitated and then nodded, crawling awkwardly to his feet and then stumbling unsteadily towards the sliding doors that separated his quarters from the guarded corridor. Only when the Lord was completely out of sight did Kazuya exhale in relief and pull himself to his feet. Painfully aware of the six guards that observed him as though he were a dangerous criminal. He turned to them and stepped forward.
~*~*~*~
The atmosphere in the hall was suffocating as they entered, and Kazuya immediately felt Megumi tighten her hold on his hand. The proper etiquette would have been for them to release each other and bow but no power on earth would have persuaded him to let go of her little hand.
“Kamenashi.” Tokugawa rose to his feet, his malicious amusement clear in his voice as much as on his face. Kazuya bowed his head and was relieved to feel his sister mimicking the action beside him. The room contained several other young heirs to clans, but Kazuya was not intimately familiar with any of them. “You dare to show your face here?” Kazuya bit his lip but said nothing. “You are, I assume, aware of your father’s treachery?” He nodded. The shogun folded his arms, triumphant. “Well, what do you have you say for yourself?”
Kazuya swallowed and then raised his head, ensuring that his eyes remained cast down. “I beg that we should be allowed to continue serving the Bakufu.” He was shamefully aware of how weak his voice sounded. “We do not agree with our father’s methods and will fight to bring him and his clan...”
“You would turn against your father?” Tokugawa barked over him. Kazuya nodded heavily. “Disgraceful!” Kazuya felt his heart drop. “You should offer your lives in apology and die with honour. Your father and his clan are traitors but you...” he shook his head, “you have turned your back on your family.”
“In love of my Shogun!” Kazuya cried.
“I do not require the love of a traitor’s son!” The leader spat. He held out his arms and beckoned to the other families in the room. “I have plenty of clans at my disposal!” He smiled and cast his glance over his subjects. “They come from honourable families that serve me, what would I need you for?”
“Let us prove ourselves!” Kazuya fell to his knees, dragging Megumi down with him. “We will serve you!”
The shogun tutted and turned away. “You have no honour.” He muttered and then turned back swiftly. “The proper thing to do would be to kill your sister and then yourself.” He paused and bit his lip, making a show of his ponderings. “But I am not an unreasonable master.” He smiled, “perhaps an agreement could be reached...”
Kazuya could barely breathe as he pressed his fingers into the floor, face down, pulse throbbing.
“A vote!” the Shogun sang out. “You two may rise.” Kazuya would have preferred to remain bowed but he had no choice but to obey. “Two sacrifices; one sacrifice and a pardon; or two pardons. All in favour of two sacrifices.” Kazuya doubted that he’d ever felt as much hatred towards the Shogunate as he did at that moment. Five men raised their hands. Tokugawa nodded thoughtfully. “The girls death, and the boys pardon.” The leader continued, and Kazuya felt faint as the majority of the room raised their hands. The shogun clapped his hands together in delight. “And two pardons?” A single arm was raised.
“Akanishi?” the shogun did not disguise the shock from his voice. Kazuya glanced towards the handsome stranger, whose eyes were fixed in the opposite direction. The young man said nothing, barely even acknowledging his Shogun. Tokugawa blinked a few times and then turned back to Kazuya. “Kamenashi!” he sang out. “Kill your sister.”
He felt Megumi’s frightened eyes upon him as the world slowed down and his mind transformed into jelly. His jaw, it seemed, had taken on a life of it’s own and had wired itself shut, as he sat there frozen.
“Do it, or you both die.” Tokugawa snapped, and threw a blade onto the ground before them. “This is a message for your father...and for all others who dare to defy me.”
“My Lord...I...” Kazuya gasped as he felt tears rising in his eyes. Disbelief clogging his senses and slowing his reflexes.
“Are you choosing to defy me too?” The shogun asked quietly. “I’ll tell you one more time. Kill her.”
“I...” Kazuya had not yet decided how to protest when a movement from Megumi caught his attention and he turned just in time to witness the child plunging the blade into her stomach.
The scene then blurred out as shock and revulsion and despair forced Kazuya’s mind to shut down. He was moving, but all awareness of where or how was lost. He knew nothing and he saw nothing; emptiness filled him and threatened to suck him into it’s void. Pain was beyond him. He was but a shell, running through the darkness, blind, fearless, alone.
But all things pass and eventually Kazuya’s mind returned, and with it came all the pain and all the hatred, and the absolute knowledge that he would never allow himself to be dragged into the world of the Bakufu again.
~*~*~*~
The men regarded him with a bizarre blend of disgust and fascination as he approached them. Kazuya pushed his shoulders back and glared at them each in turn. “Someone find another lamp.” He spoke quietly but he could tell that everyone present recognised his authority. It felt strange stepping back into the shoes of power but he had no time to dwell on it, as all of his focus would have to be directed at these six men. If he could not control them then there was no hope. He waited for one of them to retrieve a light before beginning his speech.
“You have all witnessed Lord Akanishi’s recent behaviour.” He felt his tongue slip back into the once familiar language of the upper classes. But the men that he addressed seemed too bewildered and confused by the nights events to notice. “He has sought me out to help him.” They glanced at each other then but Kazuya did not allow their doubt to phase him. “I have agreed to do so but I can only do that with your help.”
“Our help?” Haruki asked. Kazuya blinked surprised to see him there.
He nodded. “You must not under any circumstances provide him with the drug that he seeks.”
“But we cannot disobey a dir...”
“You must.” Kazuya cut over the youngest guard, who was staring at him sheepishly. “No matter what he says, what he asks you to do, you must ignore him. I have seen addiction like this before.” He knew that he exaggerated, for though he had witnessed it from afar, he had never been in such close proximity to a sufferer. But he had heard plenty of stories on his travels and though it filled him with dread, knew what to expect. “It could kill him.” The guards immediately seemed to grow solemn and a new sort of tension entered the air. “If you are loyal to him then you will trust me. I will take care of him.”
“You?” the guard that had received a beating from Akanishi practically spat. “How can you help? You’re nothing but his whore!”
Kazuya sprang forward and seized the man by the throat, but the guard was not about to willing receive a second beating, especially not from someone that he regarded as lowly as Kazuya. He attempted to block the taikomochi’s attack and reached to his belt for his sword. But Kazuya had no patience for the man’s antics and moved quickly to disarm and disable him, pinning him easily against the wall, arms caught behind his back. He felt his body surge with a power that he had not allowed it in many years, and his muscles seemed to sing as they acted out moves that he hadn’t known that he remembered.
“You don’t know anything about me.” He snarled, increasing the pressure on the man’s arms and extracting a pained whimper. Around them the other guards stared, fear and respect blended across their features. Kazuya released his hold and stepped back. “I am not an enemy.” He said firmly, confident that he had finally caught the guards’ attentions. “I will help him. Please let me.” He bowed then, swift and courteous but not deferential.
The men looked at each other for what to Kazuya felt like an excruciatingly long time and then Haruki spoke. “What do you need us to do?”
Kazuya felt his body relax as he exhaled and smiled, relief rushing through him. “Water, food, clean clothes and bedding.” The men started to nod. “Whatever you hear, do not heed it.” He lowered his eyes as the reality of what was coming hit him. “I’ve never seen anyone affected this badly. The withdrawal will be painful...and we might need to restrain him.” The men looked uneasy and Kazuya couldn’t blame them. “Does anyone have any information on Yamashita Tomohisa?”
One of the men snorted and looked smug. “He’s been taken care of.”
Kazuya frowned and crossed his arms. “What does that mean?”
“Arrested. Just as he deserves! He did this to our Lord!”
“Do you know where he’s being held?” Kazuya asked calmly, unsure why he felt the need to extract such information.
The samurai shrugged. “Sure, he’s still samurai after all. It’s not like we’d throw him in with common merchants and peasants.”
“Not that it makes much difference.” Another man joined. “They’ll still break him.”
“So he’s still alive?”
The two men glanced at each other and then the second one shrugged and spoke again. “I think so…but he won’t be for long. The Shogun demands that anyone caught with opium be executed.”
Kazuya nodded thoughtfully. “Do you think that you could send a message? Try to keep him alive until our Lord has recovered.”
The men frowned and glanced at each other again. Kazuya was beginning to find the action irritating. “Why?” Haruki asked.
“I’m not sure.” Kazuya smiled weakly, “I just think that it would be best.”
~*~*~*~
Kazuya was really out there, talking to his men, talking about what? Jin pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them as he tried to concentrate on his breathing. His very bones screamed their silent protest as his muscles tensed painfully. He let out a quiet sob. How long had it been? Twelve hours? More? The pain had already been growing before he’d reached Tomohisa’s home, had already been verging on unbearable. Would it get worse? Yes. He already knew that. Had experienced it before. The pain would just keep growing until he satisfied his need and partook in the substance. Except this time he couldn’t do that. This time Kazuya was here to prevent it. He tightened his hold on his legs as chills began to creep through his body.
Kazuya was out there...still. What was taking him so long? He’d promised that he wouldn’t leave. Did that mean anything? What if he’d already gone? Why would he stay? It wasn’t as though Kazuya cared about him. No-one cared about him. He was just a mistake, a dangerous fault in the world’s design. Kazuya must have left already. Either that or he was part of the plot. A jolt of pain hit him in the stomach and he gasped, toppling awkwardly onto his side and crying out as the pain in his back and limbs intensified. There was a plot against him, Jin was certain of that, he could hear them whispering in the shadows, trying to draw him in. They wanted to hurt him, even those that pretended to care. Because he was the hated leader, a shame to his father’s name. They wanted to crush him, to hurt him, to tear his body apart slowly and revel in his screams. They wanted this, he knew it, but he couldn’t see them, didn’t even know where to look.
“Kazuya?” he cried out quietly and tried to sit up. Was the man that he loved really a part of the plot? Did he really hate him that much? Jin couldn’t see why he wouldn’t be. He’d condemned him to a life of shame and humiliation. Had forced him to become a taikomochi and had revelled in his effeminate beauty, knowing the whole time how much the beautiful young actor had detested it. He’d unwillingly forced himself on the frightened boy and then too hurt and ashamed of the pain that he’d caused, had thrown him away. Why else would Kazuya have returned if not for revenge?
Nausea rocked through him and he began to heave. But his body, too weak and empty, simply shook as he struggled to breathe. It was so cold and it hurt so much, and there was no hope. Kazuya had either abandoned him or was preparing to humiliate and hurt him. He raised his trembling hand to his face and sobbed.
“Jin?” the voice was quiet and warm, but distant. He didn’t move or react, too afraid of what he would see if he raised his head. And then he was being lifted and half carried to the room at the back of his quarters; his sleeping area. The bedding had already been set out for him by one of the servants and so Kazuya simply had to lower him onto the futon. Jin turned his face away, tears still flowing from his closed, tired eyes. What he didn’t expect was to feel Kazuya wrapping the light sheets around the both of them, warm hands pulling him close and hot breath on his face. He opened his eyes and took in the sight of the man before him.
“You didn’t leave.” He whispered, and even he knew that it must have sounded stupid.
Kazuya smiled and moved the hair from Jin’s eyes. “You’re going to have to get used to that.” He moved in closer, “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry.” Jin babbled, as he felt the tiniest glimmer of hope struggle through the clouds of doubt. “For hurting you. And for sending you away. And for...everything.” He gripped Kazuya’s wrist loosely.
“It’s ok.” Kazuya soothed, but Jin knew it to be a lie.
“No it’s not.” He felt himself moving closer craving Kazuya’s warmth. His head ached and he wished that he could sort through his confused thoughts. He wanted to believe that Kazuya was telling the truth. He’d always asked him to do so after all. But what if he wasn’t? He blinked and stared into the deep, gentle eyes that looked upon him with care and concern. And then he made a choice. “I trust you.” He tried to focus on steadying his trembling limbs. “I don’t deserve...” he trailed off as speaking became difficult and confusing for a moment but then he recovered and felt the words spill quickly from his lips. “You have no reason to forgive me or to help me, I don’t deserve it.” Kazuya moved as though to interrupt but Jin shook his head. “I don’t have anyone else, Kazuya. I want to have someone. I want you to...” another stab of pain in his stomach caused him to jerk and tighten his hold on Kazuya’s arm.
He felt Kazuya’s lips against his cheek as the man shushed him. “Try to sleep now Jin.” The actor whispered. “I’m here. I promise I won’t leave.”
Jin turned his head and parted his lips, inviting Kazuya to kiss him. And when the man did, he felt a tingle of warmth burrow through the darkness and the pain and the cold. He smiled and closed his eyes and held onto his love as though the land below them would split if they were ever to pull apart.
~*~*~*~
Jin stumbled and they both fell. Kazuya cursed quietly; he should have prevented it, should have been able to, but he was just too tired. “Let go.” Jin was struggling again, not caring whether his thrashing limbs caused either of them harm. “I’ve failed, just let me go.” Kazuya pushed himself back up onto his knees and tried to concentrate on blinking, his heavy lids protesting every movement, begging him to let them rest.
“Come back to bed Jin.” The words echoed in his ears and the light around him seemed to be being delivered in flashes.
“There’s no point!” Jin was crying again and Kazuya had given up hope on ever making him stop. “I should die with honour...like a warrior!”
Kazuya knew that he should argue, comfort, convince Jin that it would get better but his mind was rapidly locking itself down and the appropriate words were beyond him. Four days had passed since Kazuya had come back into Jin’s life and the Samurai Lord’s condition had deteriorated fast. Insomnia had grabbed ahold of him, allowing him no release from the pain and discomfort that the withdrawal lashed him with. Each time that Jin had woken from his short, fitful slumbers Kazuya too had been forced to rise, for it had quickly become apparent to him that Jin was more of a danger to himself than anyone else.
He’d started speaking of suicide towards the end of the second day.
“Jin please.” Kazuya pushed himself unsteadily back onto his feet. “Hold out a little longer...”
“I can’t!” He couldn’t be sure whether or not Jin was yelling or not as he swayed uncomfortably.
“You can...just come back to bed...stay with me.” He moved unsteadily in Jin’s direction and reached out for him. “Please...for me.” He yawned and it felt as though the remainder of his energy had been sapped from his body.
“Ok.” The answer was too simple and sudden but Kazuya was too exhausted to care, as his concentrated on pulling his lover back towards their futon.
~*~*~*~
The screams were so distant that they were barely worth worrying about. Besides the dream was so warm and comforting and safe that Kazuya didn’t want to leave. But the screams were persistent and they grew louder with each passing moment. Kazuya groaned and tried to focus on the dream...but what had it been? Where was he? The screams grew louder. Where was Jin?
His eyes snapped open as the din reached an unbearable level. And then he saw it. Blood splattering the walls, the floor, even himself, and in the middle of it all sat Jin, crying and rocking as he forced the blade across his naked flesh, crying out in agony at each new laceration.
“Jin!” Kazuya could hardly think as he sprung forward to force the weapon from Jin’s hand. But the hysterical samurai Lord was not about to be defeated with such ease. And as Kazuya moved so did Jin, falling back unsteadily onto his heels and pointing his weapon at the geisha.
“No!” the bloody man’s voice trembled and his weapon hand shook. “This is my choice.” Kazuya felt sick. Wounds of various size and depth decorated the man’s arms, legs and torso. “It’s the only way to make the pain stop.” His eyes were wide and bloodshot from lack of sleep, his cheeks sallow, lips chapped, hair a tangled mess hanging across his face.
“You’ll kill yourself.” Kazuya didn’t recognise his own voice as he choked out the event that he’d grown to fear most. “You’re too weak, Jin, your body can’t...”
“I know!” Jin smiled. “It’ll be better that way though.” He stared down at his bleeding stomach. “I couldn’t do it properly...” he swallowed. “Not like a real warrior.” He raised his sad eyes to Kazuya’s, “I’m not...I’m not...” his shaking seemed to be becoming more intense.
“Put the knife down, Jin.” Kazuya crawled closer, concentrating on maintaining eye contact and not staring at the weapon that was being held but a couple of inches away from his face. “Please.”
“Why?” Jin snapped. “What does it matter to you?” Kazuya paused; it was the first time in days that Jin had really acknowledged him or their muddled relationship. “Why are you here Kazuya?”
“To help.” He said quietly.
Jin laughed and waved the knife around a little. “To help? But you hate me. I’m Akanishi Jin! Everyone hates me. Haven’t you heard?” He sniffed. “Why am i fighting this Kazuya?” He looked at him imploringly. “What’s the point? Even if I get better they’re still going to...” A flash of anger in his eyes and he turned the knife on himself again, pressing it into the flesh of his forearm.
But Kazuya was not prepared to sit and watch his love destroy himself, and with great ease he moved forward and disarmed his Lord, successfully pinning the man’s arms against his chest and forcing him into an embrace as he did so. Jin cried out weakly in alarm at the strength of his Taikomochi but Kazuya paid no attention to his fear. “You bastard!” He snarled and squeezed Jin, causing the Lord to shudder from the pain of his open flesh. “You think that I hate you? You think that I’m doing this to exact some kind of revenge later?” Jin started to struggle but Kazuya was relentless in his hold. “Look at me!” He practically shouted, furious that Jin thought so little of him. Jin continued his attempt to break free but quickly realising that his attempts were futile, he raised his tired eyes to Kazuya’s face. The action caused some of the actor’s fury to ebb away and he loosened his hold slightly so as to make their position more comfortable for Jin. “I missed you.” He said quietly, “when you sent me away, I hoped everyday that you would come for me.”
Jin looked puzzled. “Why?”
Kazuya smiled. “Because I wanted a second chance...to be what you wanted me to be.”
Jin frowned. “A geisha?”
“That’s not what you really wanted.” Kazuya smiled knowingly and held eye contact with his Lord. Jin however seemed to be growing increasingly uncomfortable and so lowered his gaze.
“Taikomochi...” Jin whispered, “they were once...more than just entertainers.” His eyes flickered upwards and then back down again. “They were advisors...friends even, to their Lords.” He swallowed. “They were respected...indispensable.”
Realising that Jin had given up on his struggling, Kazuya loosened his hold again and reached tentatively to place his palm against Jin’s damp cheek. “Is that what you wanted?” he asked gently.
Jin just laughed. “Does a madman ever really know what he wants?” He glanced around the room and then briefly back at Kazuya. “You and Pi...you’re the only two things that have ever been real. Everything else is fake, structured, polite. Everyone is so aware of their place and so afraid to lose it. Pi couldn’t...” He shook his head.
The moment was serious, Kazuya knew that, Jin was in pain and still needed him, but he couldn’t help but silently rejoice. He wasn’t out of the darkness yet but sense seemed to be returning to the troubled Lord’s mind. He was speaking of feelings Kazuya remembered only too well; the isolation, fear and uncertainty of being high up in the rankings of the Bakufu. Yes, the feelings were were painful, but they were real.
“Pi couldn’t handle it.” Jin continued. “He was always...better than me.” He raised his eyes as though searching for surprise or disagreement in Kazuya’s expression but the Taikomochi remained passive. “Do you really think that I can do this?”
Kazuya bit his lip, smiled and then leaned in, capturing his Lord’s lips with his own. He felt Jin freeze, no doubt shocked by the ferocity of the kiss, but he simply smirked and continued to devour. He snaked his arm around Jin’s naked torso, pulling him closer, hand stroking his back reassuringly. “You’ve got me now.” He whispered huskily as they broke apart, “you don’t have to be a lord or a leader to please me.” He moved his hand slowly down the trembling man’s spine, until it reached the only area that was still concealed. “All I want is the man.” He squeezed a taut buttock and smirked as Jin’s eyes widened in surprise. “We take this a day at a time,” he leaned forward and started to plant tiny kisses along Jin’s collar-bones and throat, “you and me. Nothing else matters.”
“They’re coming for me.” Jin groaned and Kazuya felt triumph rising in his chest as his arm brushed against the man’s growing erection.
“Let them come.” His kisses had reached the jawline, he pulled back and tempted Jin with his eyes. “You’re mine. They can’t have you.”
Jin blinked and then leaned in, hungry for another kiss, craving the domination that Kazuya was offering. Kazuya obliged but not for as long as Jin would have liked. “Don’t stop.” The samurai moaned, and leaned forward desperately but Kazuya shook his head.
“I want you.” He whispered, “you...you have no idea how much I...”
“Then do it.” Jin’s hands seemed to be everywhere at once, searching for a pleasure spot of some sort, something to make Kazuya act. But the young actor knew that he could not. “You’re too sick Jin.” He cupped the man’s face and leaned forward so that their foreheads could touch. “And I need to clean these wounds.”
Jin slumped, his eyes seeking out the floor as though he were suddenly ashamed of his earlier actions. But Kazuya was not about to lose him to his own self pity. “Follow me.” He said sternly, rising to his feet. Jin didn’t move. “Jin.” He glared down at the bloodied man. And when he still got no reaction he reached down, seized him by the shoulders and dragged him unceremoniously upright.
“Let go.” Jin snapped. “You can’t just...”
“I can do what I want!” Kazuya retaliated and started to pull him from the room.
“I could call my men!” Jin hissed as he struggled feebly.
“They wouldn’t listen to you.” Kazuya said calmly. “Do you know how many times you tried to have me beaten when you were delirious?”
Jin tired to stop but Kazuya wouldn’t allow it. “I did?”
“Yes.” Kazuya turned and looked at him, “you had a high fever, you didn’t know who I was.”
Kazuya couldn’t be sure whether Jin looked afraid, shocked or ashamed, perhaps it was a combination of the three. Either way, he stopped trying to resist and followed Kazuya obediently through to the front of his quarters. “Wait here.” The geisha guided him gently onto his knees and then crossed the room to find water, cloths and bandages. He then returned and set to work.
“Thank you.” Jin said quietly and then flinched as Kazuya applied pressure onto a particularly deep wound that stretched down into his inner thigh. Kazuya smiled and said nothing but he was painfully aware of the erection that Jin was powerless to conceal. He could feel his own sex throbbing with hidden desire. He was doing the right thing helping Jin, but he couldn’t deny that the well deserved rest that Jin had finally permitted him had caused a reawakening of his desires. And the subject of his fantasies was but a breath away; semi-naked, vulnerable and completely ready to be dominated.
It was with great difficulty that Kazuya continued his task, bathing the wounds and wrapping the deeper ones with bandages. His eyes flickering constantly between Jin’s injuries and the erection that seemed to grow bigger each time he attended an area of the man’s thighs or stomach. By the time he’d finished Jin’s breathing had started to quicken and when he looked up he saw that the man’s face was flushed and his eyes sparkled.
“Go to bed.” Kazuya said suddenly, reaching a decision, “strip off the rest of your clothes and be careful of your wounds.” Jin opened his mouth, obviously shocked but Kazuya immediately spoke over him. “Do as you’re told. I’ll be through in moment.” Jin rose unsteadily to his feet, his face cautious and uncertain. Kazuya smiled and stood up also, hesitated and then pulled Jin close for a quick kiss. “Don’t look so worried,” he whispered, “we’ll start off slow.”
“Come with me.” Jin hooked his hand through Kazuya’s own and stared at him enticingly.
“But I have to...” Kazuya beckoned towards the bloodied cloths and dirtied water. But Jin was unwilling to listen as he pressed himself up against him.
“That can wait.” He whispered and pulled gently, face alight with desire. Kazuya felt his breath catch; it was the first time since he’d returned that Jin had looked so alive. And suddenly all thoughts vacated his mind as he allowed himself to be pulled back in the direction of Jin’s bed.
His skin was alive with tension and desire as Jin pressed his lips against his throat. He groaned and wrapped his arms around his lover. Jin was smaller than he had been during their last intimacy; for drug abuse had ruined his manly figure leaving him much scrawnier. But Kazuya could not bring himself to feel repulsed as he traced his fingers over the man’s fading muscles. This was Jin; hot and alive and oh so very aroused. To the world he was a wreck of a man but to Kazuya he was beautiful. Jin was steadily growing more confident; Kazuya could tell by the pressure of his kisses and the gentle touches as he began to explore. The Taikomochi smiled and reached forward, unfastening the loin cloth that concealed Jin’s erection, taking care to brush against the man’s cock as the cloth fell. Jin gasped at the sensation and drew back.
“How do you want to do this?” Jin asked and Kazuya was sure that he detected a shyness in his companion. He smiled and started to work on releasing his own night-robes. He then pulled Jin forward, forcing the man to straddle his knees.
“I want to be inside you.” Kazuya breathed, feeling the robes fall away. “I want to look into your face while I fuck you slow ...” He felt Jin lean in closer seeking friction as desire sparkled in his eyes. “I want to hear you beg me...” he moved and fastened his hand around Jin’s cock, sliding it gently up and down. “I want to feel your tightness...” he slid his spare hand around to Jin’s ass, spread him and stroked his hole gently with his forefinger, relishing in the moan that the movement caused. “I want to feel you clench around me when you can’t hold back any longer.” He whispered, claiming the Lord’s mouth with his own. “I want to hear you cry my name.” He slowly started to insert a finger. “But you’re not ready for that yet...” he pushed the digit in further, not missing the shudder from Jin. “So instead I’m going to tease you.” He twisted his finger and jerked his wrist, causing Jin to cry out a mixture of pain and pleasure.
“Kazuya...” Jin gasped, his head falling forwards so that he was leaning against Kazuya’s forehead. Kazuya leaned up to kiss him and slowly began to withdraw his finger before sliding it carefully back in again. Jin’s breathing was ragged as his tired body shook with desire.
“Do you like that?” Kazuya whispered, sliding his thumb over the head of Jin’s cock. Jin nodded and moaned quietly. Kazuya smiled; he knew that he sounded confident but on the inside his nerves were trembling. If something went wrong then Jin might retreat back into himself and Kazuya was desperate for that not to happen. And so he repeated the slow, torturous movements, delighting in Jin’s shudders and whimpers; the marks that Jin’s short nails were imprinting in his back working only to arouse him further.
“Stop.” Jin gasped suddenly and Kazuya immediately withdrew, heart pounding. Had he done something wrong? Jin was sliding back, pulling away from him. Kazuya willed his mind to work, desperately searching for something to do or say, but Jin was moving again, and then there was only pleasure as hot lips fastened themselves around Kazuya’s erection. He gasped and fought the urge to thrust upwards as Jin worked his experienced tongue over him causing him to shiver and moan. And then Jin stopped and moved to push Kazuya onto his back, before taking him in again, further this time, fingers cradling and stroking in time with his lips.
“Lie down...” Kazuya gasped, reaching out feebly for his lover, “let me...” he groaned; it felt too good. Luckily it seemed that Jin understood his plea as the man pulled back again and turned his body positioning himself so that Kazuya could reach him with his own hands and mouth. And they were connected, each working to please the other, all heat and friction and pleasured moans. Kazuya could feel the pressure building but fought to prevent his release as he concentrated on swirling his tongue while bobbing his head. He could feel more than hear Jin moaning around his own cock, and that thought alone pushed him closer. He felt Jin jerk in his mouth and so he relaxed his throat and took him in further, relishing in the heightened vibrations that the Lord’s moans caused. And then his fingers were at Jin’s ass again and the noises and sensations that Jin was causing increased as the man fought to remain in control of his movements, as he was pleasured from two angles while his mouth and hands were filled with Kazuya.
Kazuya gasped as he felt Jin tense and the taste of his seed hit the back of his throat. And then he too felt his body constrict as waves of pleasure surged through him as he found his release. He felt Jin grow flaccid in his mouth and he drew back, panting as the after effects of his orgasm caused tingles to shudder through him.
“Kazuya?” He smiled as he heard Jin’s whisper. He pushed himself onto his elbows and gazed down at his lover. Jin was struggling to sit up, his injuries impending his movements, but his face was a vision of calm. Kazuya felt a surge of warmth in his chest; Jin had never looked more beautiful.
“Yes?” He reached out to fondle Jin’s thick, dark mop of hair.
“I’m tired.” The man whispered, and as if to prove his point, yawned loudly. Kazuya blinked; could it be that the withdrawal effects had reached their peak? Was Jin now safely on his road to recovery?
“Come here.” He whispered, shuffling to the right to create space for his love. Jin obeyed, his eyes blinking dopily as he collapsed into Kazuya’s embrace. “Go to sleep.”
“You’d better not leave!” Jin said as he closed his eyes. Kazuya was about to offer his usual reassuring response when he noticed a sly smile on Jin’s lips. “I like having you here.” Jin yawned and snuggled in closer. “From now on you’re a real Taikomochi.”
Kazuya frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
Jin smiled again. “Isn’t it obvious?” he yawned again and shuffled slightly to settle in his position. “You’re the most important person...you’re everything I need.”
Kazuya stared down at the man that he’d grown to treasure and felt his heart heat up at the simple, yet sentimental words. Jin looked so peaceful as he slipped into his much needed slumber. After four days he’d finally started to crawl out from the hell hole that his own soul had created. Kazuya was no fool, he knew that it wasn’t over, but for now at least Jin was able to rest. He smiled but there was sadness there; hope that Jin would soon return to him entirely; and fear regarding the secrets that he would be forced to share. Would Jin forgive him for his past dishonesty? Would he remember the day that had torn Kazuya from the life that he’d always known? Would he still love him when he realised that he too had once been a part of the world that the young Lord had grown to despise?
Kazuya sighed and leaned in to kiss Jin gently on the forehead. Worrying over such matters would have to wait. Jin wasn’t out of danger yet. For now, Kazuya had to be strong - for the both of them.