Forsaken - Chapter four - Part one
Kazuya’s eye makeup was smudged, though only ever so slightly. Jin smiled and gently adjusted the sheet that was slipping from the Geisha’s sleeping form. He’d woken early that morning and had risen in search of breakfast, two trays of which now lay behind him. But Kazuya looked so peaceful in his slumber that he found himself hesitating to wake him.
Despite the feisty words that Kazuya had thrown at him the previous evening he felt that some kind of progress had been made and an understanding was beginning to form between them. His chest felt heavy as though a new burden had been placed there but the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant; he preferred it to the stark emptiness that it had replaced. He reached for his bowl of rice and muttered the familiar formal words of one about to partake in food. Perhaps the time for denial had passed; Kazuya was a part of his life now; lodged firmly within his heart and for better or worse Jin suspected that he would remain there for a long time.
Kazuya turned in his sleep and Jin found himself holding his breath; it was no good, his mood was too light this morning to wake the exhausted man. It was still early but the house around him was bustling with life. There were no doubt meetings to attend and formalities to be met. He pulled a face and returned his bowl to the tray. It was his duty to attend such gatherings, he knew that, but he found them dull and unproductive. The power of the Daimyo seemed to be slipping and a growing number of his people hated him anyway. It was only a matter of time before the Shogunate would be overthrown. He blinked; shocked by his own thought pattern. If he were heard voicing such thoughts aloud he’d probably be ordered to kill himself in repentance.
Rising to his feet he moved silently to the door. He was barely aware that he’d made the decision, his mind too puzzled by his defeatist thoughts regarding the Bakufu; if the Shogun fell then he too would have his title removed. What would happen then? It was unthinkable and yet a prickling sensation on the back of his neck told him that it might just be possible. He’d probably be killed, or pressured into suicide if such events were to pass. He felt a twist in his gut and then shame crept over his heart; it was not the way of the samurai to fear death.
Tomohisa’s house lay just ahead. If his world changed, would it be possible for him to change with it? He laughed at the outrageousness of the thought; he did not have the strength or the imagination for such a feat. He was a victim of the old order; he knew nothing of foreign lands or rich merchants. He was intelligent, well educated, but theory and practice were two quite different concepts. All he knew was the way of the warrior; the path of honour and death.
He knocked against the wooden door and pursed his lips as he heard the familiar shuffling from within. He’d made a habit of visiting his old friend weekly, and the states that he found his friend in were both disturbing and fascinating. “Jin,” Tomohisa’s head was lolling to the right; his sunken eyes barely open; his mouth a crooked smile. Jin swallowed and nodded to his friend, who stepped back and shuffled back into his home. The usual sickly pungent smell of opium hung in the air; Jin sighed and removed his footwear before following him in.
“Tea?” Tomohisa lowered himself in front of a small stove to the far left of the room.
Jin frowned and crossed the space to reach him. “Let me.” He didn’t trust Tomohisa with the hot liquid. His friend just continued to smile and moved slowly back to his kotatsu where he slumped down with a satisfied sigh.
It would take awhile, Jin realised, for his friend’s senses to return enough for proper conversation.
And, as predicted, several hours later Pi seemed to finally drift back into himself; his eyes regained focus; his face grew more serious; his body corrected itself from its slouched position and he finally seemed able to partake in lucid conversation. Usually Jin quickly grew impatient and frustrated by Tomohisa’s drug induced states but today he’d been thankful for the quiet, as it had allowed him to mull over some rather private thoughts.
“You’re still here.” Tomohisa said quietly, stretching his arms out to his sides, “that means something’s wrong.”
Jin frowned and returned to the stove for more tea. “What makes you say that?” he asked lightly but Tomohisa just smirked knowingly.
“I know you,” he placed his hands flat on top of the kotatsu and then rested his chin on them, “you’ve got something on your mind.”
Jin couldn’t deny the joy that the words brought him. He turned and stared at his friend. Behind the sunken, skeletal appearance was Pi; distorted and lost and barely recognisable at times, but still, he remained. Tomohisa grinned as he watched him patiently. And it struck Jin that it was only a matter of time before the effects of the opium would wear off entirely and his best friend would partake in it again and lose himself in its euphoria once more. He sighed and returned to the kotatsu.
“Have you ever been in love?” he blurted the question and immediately felt colour spring to his cheeks; this was not a conversation that he should be having with anyone.
At first Tomohisa offered no reaction, save for a few bewildered blinks, and then his shoulders began to shake and he lowered his face onto his flattened hands to suppress his laughter. Spasms of shame and embarrassment passed through Jin but he could offer no coherent response to his friend’s mockery.
“Love?” Tomohisa raised his head suddenly, amusement still alive on his face, “me?” He pushed himself up onto his elbow. “You think I’m that much of a fool?” Jin frowned and opened his mouth to react but Pi continued his speech. “I can only handle one drug at a time my friend.” And Jin saw his hand moving for his pipe. “This,” he held the object up, “this is what brings me to life…” he kissed the object, untamed eyes regarding him with some hidden expectation.
“Is that all you can talk about?” Jin snapped, tired and bored of the smallness of Tomohisa’s world.
“Yes,” Tomohisa laughed, “because it’s my addiction.” He paused and placed the pipe back down. “Love is a drug too.” He leaned closer, “it ruins men…turns them from being strong, sensible, honourable to snivelling half-things…” he sniggered, “there’s no high from it Jin…” he licked his lips and stroked his pipe again, “I’ve seen it happen….I moved in circles that you’ve never seen…peasants and farmers and even the under-classes…men who have nothing to live for and think they have nothing to lose…they succumb to love.”
“But…” Jin felt like an ignorant child as he stared at his friend, who suddenly seemed to be speaking with clarity and certainty.
“We don’t marry for love Jin,” Tomohisa, as though suddenly suspicious that Jin might be affected seemed to grow serious; “and there’s a good reason for that! We marry for convenience and for practicality and to maintain our honour.”
“I know that but…”
“Why are you asking me this?” Tomohisa daringly spoke over him. “Please tell me that you aren’t travelling that path…it’s the most dangerous…”
“More dangerous than what you do?” hatred bubbled in his veins like sticky molten rock. He could feel his nails pressing into the sensitive flesh of his palms as his body temperature began to surge with fury. “You’ve destroyed yourself! Nothing is worse than…”
“I can still feel!” Tomohisa too seemed to grow aggressive. “Women do not know love…they cannot return what you feel for them…they will leave you numb and empty and void of everything.”
The assumption made by his friend caused Jin to falter, and that moment allowed some calm to ease through. “Why are you so passionate about this?” he asked, his voice suddenly quiet.
Tomohisa grabbed his pipe and the packet that held his drugs in silence, eyes focused entirely on his task. Jin felt the familiar prickle of disappointment. And resigned himself to leaving, questions unanswered and mood painfully low. “I’ve been there,” Tomohisa’s voice broke through his sadness and Jin raised his head, to see eyes saturated with self-disgust. His lips seemed to grow thin, “it was brief and it was forbidden and she was beautiful…” he stared down at his hands, “I saw the life you lead in Edo…you had it all…whatever you wanted…when I came back I felt that I wanted to experience something for me.” He swallowed, “so I travelled a little…went south to Kyushu…” he stared up at the ceiling and Jin could see that he didn’t seem to know what to do with his body, “she worked at the port…” Jin felt his jaw drop, “she could speak to the foreigners…spoke English…she knew so much about the world…she showed me things…” he saw tears on his friends face. “I’d have given it all up, Jin, all of this…I’d have become a no-body.” He raised his eyes and looked at him as though searching for understanding. “But then she left.” He shook his head, and stroked his pipe again, “and I turned to the one substance that she wouldn’t touch.” He laughed, quiet and dark, “I was a fool but it numbed the pain, it made me feel good but now I can’t stop.” He lit the pipe and closed his eyes in what could have been either shame or bliss as he inhaled. “You’re the future of this domain, Jin.” He continued, “you can’t afford to be made to feel like that.”
“What if the person that I…have an interest in isn’t in a position to leave me?” Jin whispered, but even as he spoke he knew that he was grasping desperately for any excuse to make his recent surge in feelings acceptable. Tomohisa was right; he was at serious risk of getting burned.
His friend smiled and shook his head sadly; “then force her to stay Jin. But it will drive you mad when your feelings aren’t returned.”
“He.” Jin lowered his eyes as he loudly corrected his friend.
Tomohisa raised an eyebrow and took another long drag from his pipe. Eventually he sighed. “This world is changing too fast for the likes of me,” For a moment it looked as though he were going to offer Jin his pipe but seemed to think better of it, “I know that you’re not exactly…particular about your choice of…” he trailed off and seemed to briefly slip away into some living dream before jerking back to the present. “In love with a man?” his pupils, hugely dilated, began to quiver as they stared searching at Jin.
“I don’t know yet,” Jin fidgeted, he was starting to deeply regret broaching the subject of Kazuya with his friend, “I just feel more towards this person than I should.”
Again Tomohisa’s focus shifted towards his drug. “Be careful.” Were the last words that he uttered before losing himself in private ecstasy once more.
~*~*~*~
The women had assisted him in dressing but he’d insisted that he be allowed to apply his own make-up. He refused the elaborate, full facial design worn by many of the female geisha, but had begrudgingly allowed a small amount of colour to be added to his cheeks and lips, and a dark kohl outline to be applied to his eyes. Initially he’d struggled with the technique but practice had brought skill and now he no longer required help.
Jin had been absent when he’d woken, and though he could barely comprehend why Kazuya sincerely wished that he would return. The wooden spinning top had found its way between his fingers once more as he contemplated the events of the previous evening.
He had kissed Jin. He hadn’t expected to; hadn’t even wanted to prior to it happening and then somehow he’d done it. Would it happen again? A nervous tremor passed through him at the thought. He’d been caught up in a moment; would he really be able to behave that way again casually? Would Jin expect more from him now that he’d crossed that line?
He didn’t feel as repulsed as he had previously but he couldn’t deny the fear. Jin was so far beyond his reach, and he was risking so much by staying in the Lords presence. He closed his eyes and focused on wiping the dangerous thoughts from his mind. The past was the past; and it couldn’t reach him here. Providing that he kept Jin happy then he was safe. His old world was gone; every aspect of it shattered or completely beyond him. Jin wasn’t perfect but nor was he the barbaric monster that the masses assumed. All Kazuya had to do was fulfil his duty to the Lord and pray that the man treat him kindly once he was done with him.
Staring down at his own robed body, Kazuya bit his lip, as he wondered again just how long it would be until Jin took that step and humiliated him entirely. He fisted his hand around the wooden toy. There was no doubt in his mind that it would happen; he’d spent weeks trying to prepare himself mentally but he was failing. His emotions were cracking and separating and forming anew. He was no longer in control; the hatred and revulsion that he’d felt so intensely just the day before had transformed into fear and despair. When Jin took him he would then discard him. Kazuya, who had always revelled in his own freedom and had fought for it with such ferocity, now found himself dreading the moment that Jin would cast him out and leave him dirtied and used and completely alone.
“I’m home.” A quiet voice coming from the first chamber caused Kazuya to flinch and stagger with some difficulty to his feet, all of his twisted emotions immediately plunging painfully into his stomach, as his lungs momentarily forgot to draw in air. And then Jin was there by the door, staring at him his face void of feeling.
“W-welcome home my Lord.” Kazuya stammered.
Jin just smirked and moved to seat himself. “I’m hungry,” he said, “inform the kitchen.” He paused, “you may dine with the other servants.”
Kazuya couldn’t hide his shock. “M-my Lord?” Jin had never sent him from his quarters before.
“I assume you know where the servants live?” Jin said coolly.
“Yes,” Kazuya tilted his head, “but…”
“But what?” Jin was on his feet in an instant, his fingers grasped around Kazuya’s wrist. “Must you always argue?”
“I…” Jin raised his arm, fist balled as though ready to strike and Kazuya too shocked to respond could only stare and wait for the contact.
“You don’t know your place.” Jin seemed to change his mind, lowering his arm and releasing him. “You’re supposed to…” he looked troubled now, confused perhaps even embarrassed, “what have I done?” He lowered himself back to the floor.
“My Lord?” Kazuya wanted to run away and hide and delete this moment, and the turbulence of his own feelings from his mind, but he remained frozen. “Forgive me.” He felt the words leave him like a plea, though he was uncertain of the nature of his crime.
Jin looked at him then with the eyes of a frightened boy, and Kazuya knew that he was about to lose control. Jin was unpredictable and one of the most feared and dangerous men alive; he was confused and emotional and it was all directed at Kazuya. But more than anything Jin was lost and he was alone and he was silently reaching out. “You don’t know what it’s like!” Jin said, his tone accusing, “Everything that I do is wrong. My people despise me and those that don’t, fear me.” He punched the ground, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes…I’m not supposed to feel anything.” He glared at Kazuya hatefully, as the geisha lowered himself to the ground. “You…you get to be unpredictable…you get to flirt and then get angry and then cry and then laugh. You’re allowed to care.” Kazuya could hardly breathe; he’d never witnessed such an outburst from Jin; had never even dreamed that the man might feel such a way. “I didn’t ask for any of this Kazuya.”
“I know.” Kazuya mumbled, shuffling closer to his Lord but hesitating to initiate any direct contact.
“You know why you’re here really…don’t you?” Jin whispered, eyes shining, “you know what I want…”
Kazuya felt his mind turning numb as he jaw slackened and his breath quickened; he had not expected the subject to arise so soon.
“But you hate me,” Jin continued, “you’d rather die than give yourself to me.”
At first Kazuya couldn’t respond, as the terror of abandonment swooped through him once more. But Jin’s eyes hadn’t strayed from his face and the man looked as though he were searching for a reaction. “That’s…that’s not true.” Kazuya surprised himself with the volume of his own voice. “I don’t hate you.”
“But you don’t like me either…in any way.” It wasn’t a question, more like a sorrowful admittance of truth to himself.
“Don’t say that!” Kazuya felt angry suddenly, “why are you acting like this? This isn’t you.”
Jin’s eyes flashed then. “And you profess to know me do you?” the lord snapped.
“Yes,” Kazuya was bristling with displeasure, “you’re arrogant and intelligent and you love to humiliate me. You’re not afraid of anyone or anything! You’re…you’re…” but he quickly realised that he was running out of words to describe Jin’s character and then the truth struck him; he really didn’t know his Lord at all.
“You’re a fool,” Jin said coldly, “and a bad liar. Now do as I asked. I don’t want to see your face for the rest of the day. You may not return to these quarters until I say.”
“My Lord…”
“I said get out!” Jin shouted, and Kazuya had no choice but to stumble to his feet and out of the room. He felt rage and despair and guilt and shame crash together within him and he had to pause, in an attempt to regain control of his breathing. Whatever Jin was feeling, Kazuya guessed that he himself was somehow directly responsible. He tutted and dragged his fingers through his hair. Jin was suffering and though he’d ordered Kazuya away something about the scenario hadn’t felt right to him. He frowned and stared down at his sister’s toy. Hope…He’d realised the first time that they’d met that Jin had forgotten the feeling. Did Jin really want him to go or was this a test? He chewed the skin of his lip. If he was wrong then he’d be in serious trouble if he returned to the room. But Jin’s tone had suggested that he was in trouble regardless. What if Jin never called him back? What would happen then? He set his face into a determined expression and moved to the door to call a guard.
“My Lord asks that two meals be brought here.” There was no going back now. The guard nodded and went to call a servant and Kazuya closed the door. He then began to move slowly back in the direction of the room that held Jin.
Part Two
Despite the feisty words that Kazuya had thrown at him the previous evening he felt that some kind of progress had been made and an understanding was beginning to form between them. His chest felt heavy as though a new burden had been placed there but the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant; he preferred it to the stark emptiness that it had replaced. He reached for his bowl of rice and muttered the familiar formal words of one about to partake in food. Perhaps the time for denial had passed; Kazuya was a part of his life now; lodged firmly within his heart and for better or worse Jin suspected that he would remain there for a long time.
Kazuya turned in his sleep and Jin found himself holding his breath; it was no good, his mood was too light this morning to wake the exhausted man. It was still early but the house around him was bustling with life. There were no doubt meetings to attend and formalities to be met. He pulled a face and returned his bowl to the tray. It was his duty to attend such gatherings, he knew that, but he found them dull and unproductive. The power of the Daimyo seemed to be slipping and a growing number of his people hated him anyway. It was only a matter of time before the Shogunate would be overthrown. He blinked; shocked by his own thought pattern. If he were heard voicing such thoughts aloud he’d probably be ordered to kill himself in repentance.
Rising to his feet he moved silently to the door. He was barely aware that he’d made the decision, his mind too puzzled by his defeatist thoughts regarding the Bakufu; if the Shogun fell then he too would have his title removed. What would happen then? It was unthinkable and yet a prickling sensation on the back of his neck told him that it might just be possible. He’d probably be killed, or pressured into suicide if such events were to pass. He felt a twist in his gut and then shame crept over his heart; it was not the way of the samurai to fear death.
Tomohisa’s house lay just ahead. If his world changed, would it be possible for him to change with it? He laughed at the outrageousness of the thought; he did not have the strength or the imagination for such a feat. He was a victim of the old order; he knew nothing of foreign lands or rich merchants. He was intelligent, well educated, but theory and practice were two quite different concepts. All he knew was the way of the warrior; the path of honour and death.
He knocked against the wooden door and pursed his lips as he heard the familiar shuffling from within. He’d made a habit of visiting his old friend weekly, and the states that he found his friend in were both disturbing and fascinating. “Jin,” Tomohisa’s head was lolling to the right; his sunken eyes barely open; his mouth a crooked smile. Jin swallowed and nodded to his friend, who stepped back and shuffled back into his home. The usual sickly pungent smell of opium hung in the air; Jin sighed and removed his footwear before following him in.
“Tea?” Tomohisa lowered himself in front of a small stove to the far left of the room.
Jin frowned and crossed the space to reach him. “Let me.” He didn’t trust Tomohisa with the hot liquid. His friend just continued to smile and moved slowly back to his kotatsu where he slumped down with a satisfied sigh.
It would take awhile, Jin realised, for his friend’s senses to return enough for proper conversation.
And, as predicted, several hours later Pi seemed to finally drift back into himself; his eyes regained focus; his face grew more serious; his body corrected itself from its slouched position and he finally seemed able to partake in lucid conversation. Usually Jin quickly grew impatient and frustrated by Tomohisa’s drug induced states but today he’d been thankful for the quiet, as it had allowed him to mull over some rather private thoughts.
“You’re still here.” Tomohisa said quietly, stretching his arms out to his sides, “that means something’s wrong.”
Jin frowned and returned to the stove for more tea. “What makes you say that?” he asked lightly but Tomohisa just smirked knowingly.
“I know you,” he placed his hands flat on top of the kotatsu and then rested his chin on them, “you’ve got something on your mind.”
Jin couldn’t deny the joy that the words brought him. He turned and stared at his friend. Behind the sunken, skeletal appearance was Pi; distorted and lost and barely recognisable at times, but still, he remained. Tomohisa grinned as he watched him patiently. And it struck Jin that it was only a matter of time before the effects of the opium would wear off entirely and his best friend would partake in it again and lose himself in its euphoria once more. He sighed and returned to the kotatsu.
“Have you ever been in love?” he blurted the question and immediately felt colour spring to his cheeks; this was not a conversation that he should be having with anyone.
At first Tomohisa offered no reaction, save for a few bewildered blinks, and then his shoulders began to shake and he lowered his face onto his flattened hands to suppress his laughter. Spasms of shame and embarrassment passed through Jin but he could offer no coherent response to his friend’s mockery.
“Love?” Tomohisa raised his head suddenly, amusement still alive on his face, “me?” He pushed himself up onto his elbow. “You think I’m that much of a fool?” Jin frowned and opened his mouth to react but Pi continued his speech. “I can only handle one drug at a time my friend.” And Jin saw his hand moving for his pipe. “This,” he held the object up, “this is what brings me to life…” he kissed the object, untamed eyes regarding him with some hidden expectation.
“Is that all you can talk about?” Jin snapped, tired and bored of the smallness of Tomohisa’s world.
“Yes,” Tomohisa laughed, “because it’s my addiction.” He paused and placed the pipe back down. “Love is a drug too.” He leaned closer, “it ruins men…turns them from being strong, sensible, honourable to snivelling half-things…” he sniggered, “there’s no high from it Jin…” he licked his lips and stroked his pipe again, “I’ve seen it happen….I moved in circles that you’ve never seen…peasants and farmers and even the under-classes…men who have nothing to live for and think they have nothing to lose…they succumb to love.”
“But…” Jin felt like an ignorant child as he stared at his friend, who suddenly seemed to be speaking with clarity and certainty.
“We don’t marry for love Jin,” Tomohisa, as though suddenly suspicious that Jin might be affected seemed to grow serious; “and there’s a good reason for that! We marry for convenience and for practicality and to maintain our honour.”
“I know that but…”
“Why are you asking me this?” Tomohisa daringly spoke over him. “Please tell me that you aren’t travelling that path…it’s the most dangerous…”
“More dangerous than what you do?” hatred bubbled in his veins like sticky molten rock. He could feel his nails pressing into the sensitive flesh of his palms as his body temperature began to surge with fury. “You’ve destroyed yourself! Nothing is worse than…”
“I can still feel!” Tomohisa too seemed to grow aggressive. “Women do not know love…they cannot return what you feel for them…they will leave you numb and empty and void of everything.”
The assumption made by his friend caused Jin to falter, and that moment allowed some calm to ease through. “Why are you so passionate about this?” he asked, his voice suddenly quiet.
Tomohisa grabbed his pipe and the packet that held his drugs in silence, eyes focused entirely on his task. Jin felt the familiar prickle of disappointment. And resigned himself to leaving, questions unanswered and mood painfully low. “I’ve been there,” Tomohisa’s voice broke through his sadness and Jin raised his head, to see eyes saturated with self-disgust. His lips seemed to grow thin, “it was brief and it was forbidden and she was beautiful…” he stared down at his hands, “I saw the life you lead in Edo…you had it all…whatever you wanted…when I came back I felt that I wanted to experience something for me.” He swallowed, “so I travelled a little…went south to Kyushu…” he stared up at the ceiling and Jin could see that he didn’t seem to know what to do with his body, “she worked at the port…” Jin felt his jaw drop, “she could speak to the foreigners…spoke English…she knew so much about the world…she showed me things…” he saw tears on his friends face. “I’d have given it all up, Jin, all of this…I’d have become a no-body.” He raised his eyes and looked at him as though searching for understanding. “But then she left.” He shook his head, and stroked his pipe again, “and I turned to the one substance that she wouldn’t touch.” He laughed, quiet and dark, “I was a fool but it numbed the pain, it made me feel good but now I can’t stop.” He lit the pipe and closed his eyes in what could have been either shame or bliss as he inhaled. “You’re the future of this domain, Jin.” He continued, “you can’t afford to be made to feel like that.”
“What if the person that I…have an interest in isn’t in a position to leave me?” Jin whispered, but even as he spoke he knew that he was grasping desperately for any excuse to make his recent surge in feelings acceptable. Tomohisa was right; he was at serious risk of getting burned.
His friend smiled and shook his head sadly; “then force her to stay Jin. But it will drive you mad when your feelings aren’t returned.”
“He.” Jin lowered his eyes as he loudly corrected his friend.
Tomohisa raised an eyebrow and took another long drag from his pipe. Eventually he sighed. “This world is changing too fast for the likes of me,” For a moment it looked as though he were going to offer Jin his pipe but seemed to think better of it, “I know that you’re not exactly…particular about your choice of…” he trailed off and seemed to briefly slip away into some living dream before jerking back to the present. “In love with a man?” his pupils, hugely dilated, began to quiver as they stared searching at Jin.
“I don’t know yet,” Jin fidgeted, he was starting to deeply regret broaching the subject of Kazuya with his friend, “I just feel more towards this person than I should.”
Again Tomohisa’s focus shifted towards his drug. “Be careful.” Were the last words that he uttered before losing himself in private ecstasy once more.
~*~*~*~
The women had assisted him in dressing but he’d insisted that he be allowed to apply his own make-up. He refused the elaborate, full facial design worn by many of the female geisha, but had begrudgingly allowed a small amount of colour to be added to his cheeks and lips, and a dark kohl outline to be applied to his eyes. Initially he’d struggled with the technique but practice had brought skill and now he no longer required help.
Jin had been absent when he’d woken, and though he could barely comprehend why Kazuya sincerely wished that he would return. The wooden spinning top had found its way between his fingers once more as he contemplated the events of the previous evening.
He had kissed Jin. He hadn’t expected to; hadn’t even wanted to prior to it happening and then somehow he’d done it. Would it happen again? A nervous tremor passed through him at the thought. He’d been caught up in a moment; would he really be able to behave that way again casually? Would Jin expect more from him now that he’d crossed that line?
He didn’t feel as repulsed as he had previously but he couldn’t deny the fear. Jin was so far beyond his reach, and he was risking so much by staying in the Lords presence. He closed his eyes and focused on wiping the dangerous thoughts from his mind. The past was the past; and it couldn’t reach him here. Providing that he kept Jin happy then he was safe. His old world was gone; every aspect of it shattered or completely beyond him. Jin wasn’t perfect but nor was he the barbaric monster that the masses assumed. All Kazuya had to do was fulfil his duty to the Lord and pray that the man treat him kindly once he was done with him.
Staring down at his own robed body, Kazuya bit his lip, as he wondered again just how long it would be until Jin took that step and humiliated him entirely. He fisted his hand around the wooden toy. There was no doubt in his mind that it would happen; he’d spent weeks trying to prepare himself mentally but he was failing. His emotions were cracking and separating and forming anew. He was no longer in control; the hatred and revulsion that he’d felt so intensely just the day before had transformed into fear and despair. When Jin took him he would then discard him. Kazuya, who had always revelled in his own freedom and had fought for it with such ferocity, now found himself dreading the moment that Jin would cast him out and leave him dirtied and used and completely alone.
“I’m home.” A quiet voice coming from the first chamber caused Kazuya to flinch and stagger with some difficulty to his feet, all of his twisted emotions immediately plunging painfully into his stomach, as his lungs momentarily forgot to draw in air. And then Jin was there by the door, staring at him his face void of feeling.
“W-welcome home my Lord.” Kazuya stammered.
Jin just smirked and moved to seat himself. “I’m hungry,” he said, “inform the kitchen.” He paused, “you may dine with the other servants.”
Kazuya couldn’t hide his shock. “M-my Lord?” Jin had never sent him from his quarters before.
“I assume you know where the servants live?” Jin said coolly.
“Yes,” Kazuya tilted his head, “but…”
“But what?” Jin was on his feet in an instant, his fingers grasped around Kazuya’s wrist. “Must you always argue?”
“I…” Jin raised his arm, fist balled as though ready to strike and Kazuya too shocked to respond could only stare and wait for the contact.
“You don’t know your place.” Jin seemed to change his mind, lowering his arm and releasing him. “You’re supposed to…” he looked troubled now, confused perhaps even embarrassed, “what have I done?” He lowered himself back to the floor.
“My Lord?” Kazuya wanted to run away and hide and delete this moment, and the turbulence of his own feelings from his mind, but he remained frozen. “Forgive me.” He felt the words leave him like a plea, though he was uncertain of the nature of his crime.
Jin looked at him then with the eyes of a frightened boy, and Kazuya knew that he was about to lose control. Jin was unpredictable and one of the most feared and dangerous men alive; he was confused and emotional and it was all directed at Kazuya. But more than anything Jin was lost and he was alone and he was silently reaching out. “You don’t know what it’s like!” Jin said, his tone accusing, “Everything that I do is wrong. My people despise me and those that don’t, fear me.” He punched the ground, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes…I’m not supposed to feel anything.” He glared at Kazuya hatefully, as the geisha lowered himself to the ground. “You…you get to be unpredictable…you get to flirt and then get angry and then cry and then laugh. You’re allowed to care.” Kazuya could hardly breathe; he’d never witnessed such an outburst from Jin; had never even dreamed that the man might feel such a way. “I didn’t ask for any of this Kazuya.”
“I know.” Kazuya mumbled, shuffling closer to his Lord but hesitating to initiate any direct contact.
“You know why you’re here really…don’t you?” Jin whispered, eyes shining, “you know what I want…”
Kazuya felt his mind turning numb as he jaw slackened and his breath quickened; he had not expected the subject to arise so soon.
“But you hate me,” Jin continued, “you’d rather die than give yourself to me.”
At first Kazuya couldn’t respond, as the terror of abandonment swooped through him once more. But Jin’s eyes hadn’t strayed from his face and the man looked as though he were searching for a reaction. “That’s…that’s not true.” Kazuya surprised himself with the volume of his own voice. “I don’t hate you.”
“But you don’t like me either…in any way.” It wasn’t a question, more like a sorrowful admittance of truth to himself.
“Don’t say that!” Kazuya felt angry suddenly, “why are you acting like this? This isn’t you.”
Jin’s eyes flashed then. “And you profess to know me do you?” the lord snapped.
“Yes,” Kazuya was bristling with displeasure, “you’re arrogant and intelligent and you love to humiliate me. You’re not afraid of anyone or anything! You’re…you’re…” but he quickly realised that he was running out of words to describe Jin’s character and then the truth struck him; he really didn’t know his Lord at all.
“You’re a fool,” Jin said coldly, “and a bad liar. Now do as I asked. I don’t want to see your face for the rest of the day. You may not return to these quarters until I say.”
“My Lord…”
“I said get out!” Jin shouted, and Kazuya had no choice but to stumble to his feet and out of the room. He felt rage and despair and guilt and shame crash together within him and he had to pause, in an attempt to regain control of his breathing. Whatever Jin was feeling, Kazuya guessed that he himself was somehow directly responsible. He tutted and dragged his fingers through his hair. Jin was suffering and though he’d ordered Kazuya away something about the scenario hadn’t felt right to him. He frowned and stared down at his sister’s toy. Hope…He’d realised the first time that they’d met that Jin had forgotten the feeling. Did Jin really want him to go or was this a test? He chewed the skin of his lip. If he was wrong then he’d be in serious trouble if he returned to the room. But Jin’s tone had suggested that he was in trouble regardless. What if Jin never called him back? What would happen then? He set his face into a determined expression and moved to the door to call a guard.
“My Lord asks that two meals be brought here.” There was no going back now. The guard nodded and went to call a servant and Kazuya closed the door. He then began to move slowly back in the direction of the room that held Jin.
Part Two