Fatal Choice Part C
There’s no greater shame for a man
.
Whispered tales of spirits and monsters had always failed to grab his imagination. Even as a young boy he’d been void of the usual thrills and fears associated with ghost stories, always smirking and sighing instead. But now as he applied the icy, damp cloth to clammy skin, he felt like he was being haunted. It was as though the dead man’s words were echoing within his very chest; caught between his stomach and heart, gradually expanding, consuming all.
Was this the victory that he’d been hoping for? He glanced around the broken-down room that lately he’d found himself referring to as home. It looked just as it had when he’d left that morning; just as it had while he and Jin had drunkenly explored each other the evening before that. Withdrawing his hand from the cloth he stared down at the figure on the bed: unconscious, deathly pale, shivering and sweating with fever; it wasn’t supposed to end like this.
Kazuya groaned in frustration, as he forced his fingers through his hair. He wondered what the gang, now no-more, would think of him now. Eyes blood-shot and puffy from tears; hair uncharacteristically ruffled; and clothes soaked in his lover’s blood. His image, so painstakingly crafted, had been shattered and left in ruins.
Trembling fingers, it was difficult to believe that they belonged to him. His act had been perfect; the epitome of cool; always detached; seemingly unfeeling. But what Kazuya hadn’t accounted for was that if, by some miracle, he were to survive the game, his act would no longer be necessary, and his true self would be let loose once more. For what purpose has a performer without an audience?
He stared blankly down at his own body. Disgust, that’s what he’d taught himself to feel. His ridiculous desires were what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. He’d almost convinced himself that Isamu had been right; what he’d done with Jin, and several others before, had been wrong, unnatural, disgusting. And yet, the tears that he’d cried after Jin had used his body were not tears of disgust but rather tears of longing.
Bringing his hands up slowly, he clasped his shirt. The blood that dampened it had grown cold, and this thought alone brought tears to his eyes. Jin was going to die, and there was nothing that he could do about it.
Kazuya moved slowly towards the side of the bed, where dirtied crimson cloths surrounded a glass containing a single bullet. By removing it from Jin’s shoulder, he was almost certain that he’d sentenced the boy to death. He’d done all that he could think of to control the bleeding, and Jin’s arm was now wrapped tightly in a bandage. This seemed to be working but Kazuya couldn’t allow himself to hope. Picking up the container, he peered into it. The bullet was so tiny; barely even the size of the tip of his thumb. How could something so small have caused so much damage?
He tilted the glass from side to side causing the metal to jangle and scrape within. So much damage. It was laughable really, ridiculous. His head snapped to the side, eyes clenched; a reflex, as the glass shattered against the wall.
He reeked of death, and the stench of burning bodies still blocked his senses; he’d soaked the corpses in fuel and ignited them before dragging Jin’s limp body from the parking lot. Miyagawa Naoki and Nishida Isamu, two of Tokyo’s most notorious underground criminals, murdered within the space of an hour. Miyagawa’s gang would no doubt be left reeling, for a new leader would have to be appointed. Nishida’s gang on the other hand, had only two surviving members.
‘Jin...’ Kazuya began to move towards the bed, and then backed away again.
You should have aimed for his skull.
He retched as hateful thoughts flashed through his mind, crashing to his knees, impaling them on tiny shards of broken glass.
He doesn’t love you.
He was laughing at you, just like your father.
You were just a toy to him, just like you were to all the others.
Hot pain shot up his arm as his fist collided with the wall.
You should have killed him.
Kenta and Tetsu died because of you.
Fucking hypocrite.
You’ll never rinse away the filth.
There’s no greater shame for a man.
~*~*~*~
Shots of hot, relentless agony told him that he was still alive. But the pain was not, as he’d expected, centred on his damaged shoulder but everywhere, creeping through every vessel, slowing his heart and forcing his lungs to battle for air. His head felt as though it had been filled with dead weights and even his eyelids could have been laced with lead. He tried to move his fingers, and was surprised to feel them quiver. He felt the tiniest flutter of relief; perhaps he’d escaped serious nerve damage. But in honesty the pain in his body made any form of hope seem ludicrous. Fever was raging through him and he was vaguely aware that it could be dangerous, for he’d never experienced such intense heat before. He felt his lips crack as he parted them, intent on crying out, begging someone to help him. But his throat was parched and even his tongue felt heavy. Opening his eyes he felt tears spill onto his burning cheeks, and despite his shame he didn’t have the strength to wipe them away.
He knew the man that watched him to be Kazuya, he’d have recognized him anywhere, but even in his weakened state he was shocked by the others appearance. His hair was limp, his face blotchy and his eyes puffy; Jin couldn’t read his expression. They were at the apartment block that the gang had lived in for the just over three weeks. The décor; dark, varnished oak and murky orange paintwork told him that this was their room, and the unpleasant sensation of springs pressing into his back informed Jin that he was on his own bed. He blinked and shifted his gaze to his surroundings, confused but too exhausted to ask questions. A sudden movement from Kazuya and Jin flinched causing the pain in his cramped limbs to intensify, he heard himself whimper and, not wanting to see Kazuya’s reaction, he clenched his eyes shut and willed the pain to leave him.
“Ssshhh…” Kazuya’s voice was low, probably intended to be soothing, but Jin didn’t find it so. “It’s going to be ok…” Jin turned his face away. But a sudden icy sensation against his cheek caused him to gasp and open his eyes once more. Kazuya was pressing a cold, damp cloth against his burning skin, in the way that a mother does for her sick child.
Jin could feel his eyes prickling with the threat of more tears at the shame of it all. He was dressed only in his underwear, trembling and crying while his ex-lover, rival and attacker fussed over him. He wanted to scream, to make Kazuya stop, to order him to go but he couldn’t. And it was that fact that forced a fresh wave of tears from him; for it wasn’t his injuries that impended his response but his own fear. Terror at what Kazuya might do to him if he angered him, but more so the fear of Kazuya deciding to leave him. He’d come to need the beautiful young man that was now silently wiping his chest. His partner was crazy and unstable, he was certain of that now but it didn’t matter. Jin figured everyone to be a little crazy in their own way anyway. But Kazuya…was he worse than most? It was Kazuya after all that had done this to him. He’d tried to kill him, and then…Jin turned his face back so that his eyes met Kazuya’s exhausted gaze. Kazuya had confessed to him. Jin was beginning to wish that he hadn’t woken up, for it was all too painful and too confusing and too real. He wanted to block out the world; to go back to being cool and unfeeling and untouchable but it was too late for that now. His true self, the self that he’d wanted to hide and suppress had broken through, leaving him vulnerable and exposed.
“You’ve g-got a high fever,” Kazuya could barely meet his gaze and he stuttered as he spoke, “I couldn’t take you to-to a hospital…we’ll be hung if we get caught…I heard Isamu say that once…” he trailed off and turned to the cabinet beside the bed. A red plastic bowl was balanced there; Kazuya submerged the cloth in it for a moment, wrung it and then returned it to Jin’s face. “I don’t know how well this is going to work…I found some pills, do you think you can swallow them?” Jin couldn’t find his voice and just continued to stare. This seemed to unnerve Kazuya greatly. “I…I’m…” he faltered and placed the cloth back in the bowl. “I’m going to help prop you up,” he still seemed to be avoiding eye contact, “you need water…and food, it’ll make it easier for you…” He rose from the bed and crossed to his own, grabbing his pillow and quickly returning. Still Jin watched in silent anticipation.
Kazuya hesitated for a moment, possibly hoping for a response, a hint from Jin but receiving none he seemed to resign himself to acting alone. Jin stiffened as slim arms wrapped themselves around his torso; he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to lean into the touch or recoil. And then there was only pain, blinding, merciless, as his body was pulled forward causing his injured shoulder to shift. The urge to vomit washed over him but his insides were bare, and the sound of his own screams deafened him. Kazuya had acted quickly, forcing his body into a seated position, propped by pillows and yet Jin had somehow managed to seize him, and was clinging to him like doll.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Kazuya’s shaky whisper as fingers brushed against his hair, “I’m so sorry.” Jin shook his head as the waves of pain finally began to dampen. He felt dizzy and sick, and unconsciousness was looming but he didn’t want to succumb to it. If he did would Kazuya abandon him? Next time he awoke would he be alone? If that happened then he would die; he was in no state to take care of himself. He shuddered and squeezed Kazuya’s shirt. When had the idea of death started to terrify him so? A year earlier he’d felt ready to face it but not now; not now that he’d found someone that he wanted to live for.
“I panicked, Jin,” he could feel Kazuya’s breath against his face, “I’ve been such a fool. I know that it’s wrong, that I shouldn’t be this way but I can’t help it.” Jin heard a sob but his mind was growing numb making Kazuya’s words difficult to understand. “Please don’t leave me, I’ll do anything…” but whatever he said next was lost on Jin as he gradually slipped back into darkness.
~*~*~*~
Akanishi Jin was nothing if not resilient, and Kazuya couldn’t have been more grateful for it. For him the two weeks since the incident, had passed in a flurry of nerves and tears and confusing mental episodes. On several occasions he’d thought that Jin was going to slip away and never wake up. At other times his behaviour and reactions had frightened Kazuya to the point of almost wanting to run away and hide from the damage that he’d caused. On one particularly terrifying morning Jin had seemed manic, rabid almost; he’d screamed nonsense at him and tried to fight against him. Kazuya had feared that his fever, so worryingly high, had caused some permanent damage to his mind. But the next time that Jin had woken he’d seemed gentle, still and quiet. He couldn’t be sure of Jin’s true mental state for the injured man hadn’t spoken a single word since he’d regained consciousness. All that Kazuya could do was wait and hope for a proper recovery.
Loneliness was not new to him but that wasn’t to say that he didn’t accept it bitterly. Sometimes, when awake, Jin would allow him to hold him but on two occasions he had pulled away, his glare saying more than any verbal proclamation could. Occasionally he would speak to Jin; apologize for what he’d done, tell him stories that he’d heard on the news; report on the items that he’d found while searching the abandoned apartment block. Jin rarely responded, though sometimes he would smile or nod or widen his eyes. But mostly the two weeks had passed by in silence, with Kazuya devoting himself entirely to Jin’s care. The first few times that Jin had woken he’d wept; a sight that Kazuya could never have imagined. It had frightened and hurt him more than the others anger ever could have. He’d seen Jin’s cheeks flush with shame as he’d attended to his more intimate needs. He’d witnessed how his eyes would cloud when the pain intensified and how his jaw would tighten, fighting the urge to cry. He’d felt him trying to move closer into his embrace when he’d held him and spoken to him.
Kazuya felt as though he’d loved Jin since the moment that they’d first met, but he loved him more now than he ever had. Previously he’d been too afraid of his own feelings. He’d barely dared to look at Jin, had tried to avoid him, to block him out, to deny the feelings that stirred in him when they were close, he’d tried to forget their intimacy. His fears were still there; his own voice inside his head still told him that his sexual preference was wrong, that it made him perverse, tainted and worthless. But Jin’s needs were too great and his own guilt was too intense, so he ignored the voice and dedicated himself to his partner’s recovery.
Partner. Lover. Rival. He rarely allowed himself to dwell on what their relationship would be when Jin recovered. He wanted to be forgiven and loved but he knew better than to expect it. Jin wasn’t the sort of man that would ever know love. And even if he was, he would never be desperate enough to seek it in another man. Jin had said it himself: ‘It was just a fuck, don’t get the wrong idea.’ But Jin had saved his life, had turned his weapon on the whole gang rather than killing him. And he had repaid such bravery by shooting him. It had been a moment of crazed fear and madness, his paranoia had told him that Jin would still kill him and that he had to act first. By the time that his mind had told him that this was illogical, it had been too late and Jin had been bleeding in his arms. Regardless of how Jin would treat him in the future, he had to try to make things right.
There were no real flowers in what should have been the garden of the apartment block; the area in which Kenta had lost his life. Weeds and overgrown grass tangled together instead, choking each other as they struggled to reach the fading summer sun. Parts of the garden were bare, areas in which plant life had lost their battles and had faded into nothingness. Kazuya knew most of those areas to be unmarked graves. Blood still stained the bare earth of one such area. He took a deep breath and moved towards Kenta’s grave. He’d searched through the weeds to find something resembling a flower, though it lacked the grandeur usually fitting for a tomb’s bouquet. He placed it now over Kenta’s grave and bowed his head.
~*~*~*~
Jin couldn’t be sure how much time had passed; all he knew was that he was finally regaining his strength. Kazuya was carefully replacing the bandages that crossed his shoulder, talking quietly about a safe that he was attempting to crack. Somehow the wound had been quite shallow; a miracle was what Kazuya called it. Kazuya. He found himself reaching out to gently caress the man’s face, not missing the widening of the eyes and the moments falter that his action caused. The other was growing more and more tense with each passing day and he knew that to be linked with his recovery. There had been times when the awkwardness between them had been too great for Jin, and he’d pretended to be asleep. And on more than one such occasion Kazuya had knelt by him apologizing over and over for what he’d done. He wanted to reassure his partner, to tell him that he was forgiven but he’d grown used to spending days in silence, and somehow no first words had seemed appropriate. Kazuya too, no doubt, was awaiting the return of his voice with both dread and anticipation.
“I…I was thinking…” Kazuya had finished attending to his shoulder, and Jin realised that that was probably his cue to release the man’s face. He did so slowly and not without regret. “It’s probably not a good idea to stay in Tokyo.” He could tell that Kazuya had wanted to raise this issue with him for a while. “So…I was thinking that we should…I mean that’s assuming that you want…I mean…” Jin smiled; Kazuya in caring for him had exposed a part of his personality that he’d never really shown before. Gone was the act of the cool, charming, charismatic loner; this was something real. Kazuya, unaware of the admiration that his nervousness was stirring, was concentrating on regaining his composure and forming his words. “I’m willing to take you wherever you want to go, but I definitely think it would be safer away from here…we could go South or North if you like…”
“As long as we don’t have to flip a coin for it.” He’d spoken the low, sarcastic response before even considering them to be his first words.
Kazuya flinched visibly, and Jin couldn’t be sure whether it was because he’d finally spoken or because of what he’d said. “No…we…I…” the shocked man’s face was flushed with shock and embarrassment.
“Sorry,” Jin could feel his own face darkening, “that was really inappropriate.”
“No!” Kazuya counteracted, “its fine…I mean we don’t…we definitely shouldn’t do that.”
Jin nodded and lowered his eyes. He’d thought that awkwardness was a feeling beyond him, but that was definitely what he was experiencing. Kazuya had changed him so thoroughly, it was almost frightening. Almost. “South would be good…we could go to Kyushu…” there was so much more that he felt he should be saying.
“And you’d want to go…with me?” The look in Kazuya’s eyes took Jin back to their first sexual encounter; to the day that he’d met the man’s furious father. He’d seemed so desperate and childish back then, he’d cried and begged and Jin had rejected him, had tossed him away with cold, hateful words. Kazuya was waiting for him to do the same thing now.
He raised his hand to that frightened, tired face once more. “I’m only going if you’re coming with me.” He said quiet, yet determined with the slightest of smiles. “I think it’s time we left all this crazy gangster bullshit behind us, don’t you?” Kazuya nodded hastily; his eyes wide, unbelieving, waiting for Jin to say more. “I’d like to start a new life… maybe not one that’s entirely crime-free…” he saw a flicker of a smile on Kazuya’s face, “but certainly one without power-mad, Darwin quoting lunatics giving me orders.” He cleared his throat, “I treated you pretty badly after we...I mean…” he sighed and grimaced, “after I fucked you. I’m sorry about that.” He pursed his lips, embarrassed by all the seriousness, “but you certainly got me back!” He laughed gently, but Kazuya still seemed afraid to respond. “What I mean is you’re forgiven for shooting me.”
“I am?” Kazuya barely seemed to believe what he was hearing.
“Let’s not get too sentimental.” Jin slowly slid his hand back and into Kazuya’s hair. “I just don’t feel like holding a grudge...and I…well….I like you.” Kazuya gasped and Jin rolled his eyes. “Can I kiss you now?” Kazuya nodded.
~*~*~*~
With only a vague idea of their destination in mind they had commenced travel early the following morning. Kazuya had gently tried to suggest that they wait a little longer but Jin had insisted. He’d claimed that Tokyo was too tainted and the sooner that they left it behind the better. Kazuya had agreed with him wholeheartedly on that one, but he couldn’t help worrying that such a long journey would have a negative impact on Jin’s recovery.
“How are you feeling?” Kazuya asked, allowing his eyes to dart from the road to his companion. It had been over an hour since the two had exchanged words.
“I’m fine.” Jin answered, though his voice sounded strained and he looked pale.
Kazuya frowned. “We’re approaching Kumamoto,” he offered.
“Seems like as good a place as any,” Jin rolled his head toward Kazuya, who had to fight to keep his eyes trained on the road. “Have you ever been there before?”
“No,” Kazuya admitted, glancing into his mirror nervously. He couldn’t fight the feeling that they might be being followed, though by whom he didn’t know. “I’ve never left Honshu actually.” He could make out Jin smiling through the corner of his eye.
“Kumamoto it is then,” Jin’s tone was calm, soothing, “it’ll be an adventure.”
Kazuya smiled and silence lulled over them until they reached their destination. Kazuya had watched fascinated as the countryside had changed, subtly but noticeably if one paid attention. There was a freshness to this place that filled him with a giddy, childish sort of joy. The summer sky was almost indigo and the foliage an intense array of greens. There even seemed to be a light breeze, penetrating the heavy summer air. But he would have to wait to truly bask in admiration of his new surroundings, for more pressing matters were at hand.
“Don’t go that way,” Jin pulled himself awkwardly from his slouch, “it looks too…classy. There, take that right.” Kazuya did as he was told, unsure how Jin seemed to instinctively know where to go but deciding to trust him nonetheless. Eventually, they found themselves outside of a broken down apartment block, not unlike the many others that they’d frequented that past year. The only difference being that this one was not abandoned.
“Are you sure about this?” Kazuya asked, absentmindedly tweaking his hair and adjusting his shades.
“Not entirely,” Jin sounded relaxed as he flashed him a smile, “shall we go?”
Kazuya shook his head. “You stay in the car,” he said firmly. Jin bristled. “Don’t look at me like that!” Kazuya released his seatbelt, “if we need to escape, you’ll slow us down.” Jin muttered something in response but returned to his slouching. Noticing a young man with spiky hair approaching, Kazuya squeezed Jin’s leg and muttered, “Wish me luck.” before stepping gracefully from the car.
“May I help you?” the man asked politely, Kazuya didn’t miss the twang of his accent.
“I hope so…” Up close the man wasn’t as young as he’d initially thought. Something in the depth of his expression and the faint lines around his eyes took him to be in his mid-thirties, according to Kazuya’s estimation. He was handsome, though there was something unsettling about the way that he held himself. Kazuya knew immediately that this man was not to be messed with. Still, he couldn’t help but notice the slight curve of his mouth and the way that his eyes lingered for just a moment too long on his face. He smiled and removed his glasses. “My name is Kazuyoshi Kyohei,” he lied, “I’ve just arrived in town, and I’m looking for a place to stay…”
“Who’s that?” the man nodded to the car where Jin sat. Noticing the movement, Jin gave him his famous two finger salute. Kazuya rolled his eyes.
“That’s my brother, Take.” he sighed, “We’re from Tokyo but we decided to get away; travel, find some work. He’s still recovering from an accident but he should be fit again in a few weeks.”
“An accident?” the man asked lazily pulling out a cigarette.
“Yeah, car accident, some old guy chipped the sidewalk, Take got in the way. That’s city life for you; it’ll be nice to be somewhere more rural…” he stared into the strangers eyes and smiled. He’d learned that a guy hoping for such tiny gestures would notice them, but they’d be lost on a man not interested. But something told him that this guy was very much interested.
The man nodded and exhaled thoughtfully, “you guys planning on sharing a room? ‘cause we only have double beds.”
Kazuya felt his heart leap but didn’t allow his excitement to show. Instead he frowned and scratched his head, “share a bed? With Take? I don’t know…” he turned to look at Jin, and pulled a face. Jin instinctively pulled one back. He fought off the urge to grin.
“Well we offer single rooms but it’ll cost you…”
“That’s not really an option…see we’ve only got cash…got in some trouble for bad credit at the bank…if you know what I mean…” he moved slightly closer and met the man’s eyes again, lingering there for a few moments.
“Cash?” the man looked suspicious suddenly.
“Yes,” Kazuya tried to look innocent, desperate, “so we’ve got to be real careful with it. But like I said, we’re looking for work too, preferably something cash in hand…”
“How much cash you boys got?” the man seemed to be considering their plight.
“Plenty,” Kazuya said eagerly, staring at him with wide eyes, praying that his naive act was having the desired effect, “enough for at least six months’ rent, I think.” He feigned a look of puzzlement, “though we’re hoping to have found some work and extra money by then, but even if we don’t find anything we can always sell the car.”
“That’s a nice car,” the man commented, admiring it visibly.
“Thanks!” Kazuya smiled. They’d bought the four by four with some of the cash that they’d found in Isamu’s apartment; the man had millions of yen stashed away in various parts of the building. They’d registered it under Kazuya’s father’s name. It had been risky but the thrill of the dare had been worth it. Despite what he’d told the stranger he had no intentions of selling it; it was the first new memory that Jin and he had created together.
“So…can you help us, sir?” Kazuya asked quietly, biting his lip in a show of hopeful nerves.
“Bet you’re used to getting everything you want with that pretty boy act of yours.” The man smirked, flicking his used cigarette butt to the ground. “Well, I suppose cash in hand can’t hurt, but you’ll pay at the beginning of each month not the end. Got that?” Kazuya nodded hastily. “And you say you’re looking for work too? I reckon I could get you a job in the tobacco fields.”
“Tobacco fields?” Kazuya had never imagined himself working a manual job.
“Sure, it’s big business round here. You said you wanted to experience rural life….”
“Would that be cash in hand too?” he asked, folding his arms.
The man grinned, “Sure it would. All off the books. That way the…er…bank won’t find out about you boys being here.”
Kazuya felt his stomach knot but tried to remain unaffected. He pursed his lips. “Who owns the fields?”
“Kuroyama Yui, my little sister.” He held out his hand in the western style of greeting, “I’m Kuroyama Masaru. Guess I’m your new landlord.”
~*~*~*~
“You’re such a flirt.” Jin purred as Kazuya helped him to settle into their new bed. Kuroyama had taken pity on their ‘problem’ and provided them with a spare futon; it lay discarded on the floor. “I didn’t like the way that Kuroyama guy was eyeing you.” He gripped Kazuya’s shirt, while he leaned over him to adjust his pillows, tugging at it gently.
“It worked didn’t it?” Kazuya mumbled, suddenly shy as Jin expertly released his shirts’ buttons with one hand. “We found somewhere to…” he trailed off as he felt Jin’s hands gliding gently over the skin of his stomach. “Jin…I don’t think you should be…” he gasped at the dull pain in his nipple as Jin twisted it. But with the pleasure came prickles of fear and dread. They’d only ever shared intimacy twice and both times had resulted in hateful words and the sickening sting of loneliness. Not mentioning the physical pain that he’d been left suffering, for Jin had not been a gentle lover. “Wait!” His heart was pounding as he tried to pull away. “I don’t…”
“I’m sorry,” he’d never heard Jin’s voice so quiet, as the man retracted his hands, “that was stupid of me…I shouldn’t have…” he raised his hand to his eyes, and pushed his hair back. “I’m a selfish bastard you know, I’ve never really had to consider anyone else before.”
Kazuya lowered himself onto the bed beside him and stared up at the cracks of the faded cream ceiling. “Do you think…” he frowned, not knowing how to express his feelings, his cheeks growing increasingly hot, “will you ever be able to…to respect me?” he cringed, hating himself for sounding so needy and uncertain.
Jin, who had rolled to face him, seemed baffled by the question. “What do you mean?” he gawped.
“So that’s a no then?” Kazuya snapped, paranoia striking him hard in the chest. The pale breezy room suddenly felt suffocating and cramped. He sat up and swung his legs over the bed, not sure of a plan but knowing he needed to escape. A hang gripping his arm caused him to pause.
“What makes you think that I don’t respect you?” Jin snapped, squeezing his skin so that it almost hurt. “Don’t go storming out of here, making assumptions about me ok?” Jin’s eyes were flashing in a way that Kazuya had never seen before.
And something in that look caused Kazuya to deflate. Shaking his head he lowered his eyes. “I feel dirty,” he said slowly, “I feel like…like…” but he couldn’t do it, couldn’t share the thoughts that had eaten him up for so long.
“Come here,” Jin said quietly, loosening his hold on his arm yet pulling it gently. Kazuya allowed himself to be pulled into his embrace. “We can’t pretend that we haven’t been through a lot, Kazuya.” He felt Jin’s lips pressing into his temple, his voice soothing and missing the threatening tone of a moment ago. “I want to change, become less selfish and more…more I don’t even know!” he laughed quietly, and Kazuya thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world, “but I don’t know how to do it by myself.” Jin continued seriously, “You’ve got to help me.”
“I can’t help anyone.” Kazuya whispered, relishing in Jin’s closeness despite the self-disgust that he felt.
“I think you can,” he could hear the smile in Jin’s voice, “and maybe I-I could even help you too.” The brief stammer was the first indication of the nerves that Jin was apparently feeling. Kazuya blinked and lifted his head to gaze into that handsome face. “But it’s going to take time.” Jin spoke quickly now, as though afraid he would suddenly lose his nerve, “we’ve got a new life to build and…and we can take things as fast or as slow as we need.”
Kazuya stunned by the words leaned up to kiss him, stroking his thumb over the man’s cheekbone and smiling into the kiss.
~*~*~*~
.
Whispered tales of spirits and monsters had always failed to grab his imagination. Even as a young boy he’d been void of the usual thrills and fears associated with ghost stories, always smirking and sighing instead. But now as he applied the icy, damp cloth to clammy skin, he felt like he was being haunted. It was as though the dead man’s words were echoing within his very chest; caught between his stomach and heart, gradually expanding, consuming all.
Was this the victory that he’d been hoping for? He glanced around the broken-down room that lately he’d found himself referring to as home. It looked just as it had when he’d left that morning; just as it had while he and Jin had drunkenly explored each other the evening before that. Withdrawing his hand from the cloth he stared down at the figure on the bed: unconscious, deathly pale, shivering and sweating with fever; it wasn’t supposed to end like this.
Kazuya groaned in frustration, as he forced his fingers through his hair. He wondered what the gang, now no-more, would think of him now. Eyes blood-shot and puffy from tears; hair uncharacteristically ruffled; and clothes soaked in his lover’s blood. His image, so painstakingly crafted, had been shattered and left in ruins.
Trembling fingers, it was difficult to believe that they belonged to him. His act had been perfect; the epitome of cool; always detached; seemingly unfeeling. But what Kazuya hadn’t accounted for was that if, by some miracle, he were to survive the game, his act would no longer be necessary, and his true self would be let loose once more. For what purpose has a performer without an audience?
He stared blankly down at his own body. Disgust, that’s what he’d taught himself to feel. His ridiculous desires were what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. He’d almost convinced himself that Isamu had been right; what he’d done with Jin, and several others before, had been wrong, unnatural, disgusting. And yet, the tears that he’d cried after Jin had used his body were not tears of disgust but rather tears of longing.
Bringing his hands up slowly, he clasped his shirt. The blood that dampened it had grown cold, and this thought alone brought tears to his eyes. Jin was going to die, and there was nothing that he could do about it.
Kazuya moved slowly towards the side of the bed, where dirtied crimson cloths surrounded a glass containing a single bullet. By removing it from Jin’s shoulder, he was almost certain that he’d sentenced the boy to death. He’d done all that he could think of to control the bleeding, and Jin’s arm was now wrapped tightly in a bandage. This seemed to be working but Kazuya couldn’t allow himself to hope. Picking up the container, he peered into it. The bullet was so tiny; barely even the size of the tip of his thumb. How could something so small have caused so much damage?
He tilted the glass from side to side causing the metal to jangle and scrape within. So much damage. It was laughable really, ridiculous. His head snapped to the side, eyes clenched; a reflex, as the glass shattered against the wall.
He reeked of death, and the stench of burning bodies still blocked his senses; he’d soaked the corpses in fuel and ignited them before dragging Jin’s limp body from the parking lot. Miyagawa Naoki and Nishida Isamu, two of Tokyo’s most notorious underground criminals, murdered within the space of an hour. Miyagawa’s gang would no doubt be left reeling, for a new leader would have to be appointed. Nishida’s gang on the other hand, had only two surviving members.
‘Jin...’ Kazuya began to move towards the bed, and then backed away again.
You should have aimed for his skull.
He retched as hateful thoughts flashed through his mind, crashing to his knees, impaling them on tiny shards of broken glass.
He doesn’t love you.
He was laughing at you, just like your father.
You were just a toy to him, just like you were to all the others.
Hot pain shot up his arm as his fist collided with the wall.
You should have killed him.
Kenta and Tetsu died because of you.
Fucking hypocrite.
You’ll never rinse away the filth.
There’s no greater shame for a man.
~*~*~*~
Shots of hot, relentless agony told him that he was still alive. But the pain was not, as he’d expected, centred on his damaged shoulder but everywhere, creeping through every vessel, slowing his heart and forcing his lungs to battle for air. His head felt as though it had been filled with dead weights and even his eyelids could have been laced with lead. He tried to move his fingers, and was surprised to feel them quiver. He felt the tiniest flutter of relief; perhaps he’d escaped serious nerve damage. But in honesty the pain in his body made any form of hope seem ludicrous. Fever was raging through him and he was vaguely aware that it could be dangerous, for he’d never experienced such intense heat before. He felt his lips crack as he parted them, intent on crying out, begging someone to help him. But his throat was parched and even his tongue felt heavy. Opening his eyes he felt tears spill onto his burning cheeks, and despite his shame he didn’t have the strength to wipe them away.
He knew the man that watched him to be Kazuya, he’d have recognized him anywhere, but even in his weakened state he was shocked by the others appearance. His hair was limp, his face blotchy and his eyes puffy; Jin couldn’t read his expression. They were at the apartment block that the gang had lived in for the just over three weeks. The décor; dark, varnished oak and murky orange paintwork told him that this was their room, and the unpleasant sensation of springs pressing into his back informed Jin that he was on his own bed. He blinked and shifted his gaze to his surroundings, confused but too exhausted to ask questions. A sudden movement from Kazuya and Jin flinched causing the pain in his cramped limbs to intensify, he heard himself whimper and, not wanting to see Kazuya’s reaction, he clenched his eyes shut and willed the pain to leave him.
“Ssshhh…” Kazuya’s voice was low, probably intended to be soothing, but Jin didn’t find it so. “It’s going to be ok…” Jin turned his face away. But a sudden icy sensation against his cheek caused him to gasp and open his eyes once more. Kazuya was pressing a cold, damp cloth against his burning skin, in the way that a mother does for her sick child.
Jin could feel his eyes prickling with the threat of more tears at the shame of it all. He was dressed only in his underwear, trembling and crying while his ex-lover, rival and attacker fussed over him. He wanted to scream, to make Kazuya stop, to order him to go but he couldn’t. And it was that fact that forced a fresh wave of tears from him; for it wasn’t his injuries that impended his response but his own fear. Terror at what Kazuya might do to him if he angered him, but more so the fear of Kazuya deciding to leave him. He’d come to need the beautiful young man that was now silently wiping his chest. His partner was crazy and unstable, he was certain of that now but it didn’t matter. Jin figured everyone to be a little crazy in their own way anyway. But Kazuya…was he worse than most? It was Kazuya after all that had done this to him. He’d tried to kill him, and then…Jin turned his face back so that his eyes met Kazuya’s exhausted gaze. Kazuya had confessed to him. Jin was beginning to wish that he hadn’t woken up, for it was all too painful and too confusing and too real. He wanted to block out the world; to go back to being cool and unfeeling and untouchable but it was too late for that now. His true self, the self that he’d wanted to hide and suppress had broken through, leaving him vulnerable and exposed.
“You’ve g-got a high fever,” Kazuya could barely meet his gaze and he stuttered as he spoke, “I couldn’t take you to-to a hospital…we’ll be hung if we get caught…I heard Isamu say that once…” he trailed off and turned to the cabinet beside the bed. A red plastic bowl was balanced there; Kazuya submerged the cloth in it for a moment, wrung it and then returned it to Jin’s face. “I don’t know how well this is going to work…I found some pills, do you think you can swallow them?” Jin couldn’t find his voice and just continued to stare. This seemed to unnerve Kazuya greatly. “I…I’m…” he faltered and placed the cloth back in the bowl. “I’m going to help prop you up,” he still seemed to be avoiding eye contact, “you need water…and food, it’ll make it easier for you…” He rose from the bed and crossed to his own, grabbing his pillow and quickly returning. Still Jin watched in silent anticipation.
Kazuya hesitated for a moment, possibly hoping for a response, a hint from Jin but receiving none he seemed to resign himself to acting alone. Jin stiffened as slim arms wrapped themselves around his torso; he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to lean into the touch or recoil. And then there was only pain, blinding, merciless, as his body was pulled forward causing his injured shoulder to shift. The urge to vomit washed over him but his insides were bare, and the sound of his own screams deafened him. Kazuya had acted quickly, forcing his body into a seated position, propped by pillows and yet Jin had somehow managed to seize him, and was clinging to him like doll.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Kazuya’s shaky whisper as fingers brushed against his hair, “I’m so sorry.” Jin shook his head as the waves of pain finally began to dampen. He felt dizzy and sick, and unconsciousness was looming but he didn’t want to succumb to it. If he did would Kazuya abandon him? Next time he awoke would he be alone? If that happened then he would die; he was in no state to take care of himself. He shuddered and squeezed Kazuya’s shirt. When had the idea of death started to terrify him so? A year earlier he’d felt ready to face it but not now; not now that he’d found someone that he wanted to live for.
“I panicked, Jin,” he could feel Kazuya’s breath against his face, “I’ve been such a fool. I know that it’s wrong, that I shouldn’t be this way but I can’t help it.” Jin heard a sob but his mind was growing numb making Kazuya’s words difficult to understand. “Please don’t leave me, I’ll do anything…” but whatever he said next was lost on Jin as he gradually slipped back into darkness.
~*~*~*~
Akanishi Jin was nothing if not resilient, and Kazuya couldn’t have been more grateful for it. For him the two weeks since the incident, had passed in a flurry of nerves and tears and confusing mental episodes. On several occasions he’d thought that Jin was going to slip away and never wake up. At other times his behaviour and reactions had frightened Kazuya to the point of almost wanting to run away and hide from the damage that he’d caused. On one particularly terrifying morning Jin had seemed manic, rabid almost; he’d screamed nonsense at him and tried to fight against him. Kazuya had feared that his fever, so worryingly high, had caused some permanent damage to his mind. But the next time that Jin had woken he’d seemed gentle, still and quiet. He couldn’t be sure of Jin’s true mental state for the injured man hadn’t spoken a single word since he’d regained consciousness. All that Kazuya could do was wait and hope for a proper recovery.
Loneliness was not new to him but that wasn’t to say that he didn’t accept it bitterly. Sometimes, when awake, Jin would allow him to hold him but on two occasions he had pulled away, his glare saying more than any verbal proclamation could. Occasionally he would speak to Jin; apologize for what he’d done, tell him stories that he’d heard on the news; report on the items that he’d found while searching the abandoned apartment block. Jin rarely responded, though sometimes he would smile or nod or widen his eyes. But mostly the two weeks had passed by in silence, with Kazuya devoting himself entirely to Jin’s care. The first few times that Jin had woken he’d wept; a sight that Kazuya could never have imagined. It had frightened and hurt him more than the others anger ever could have. He’d seen Jin’s cheeks flush with shame as he’d attended to his more intimate needs. He’d witnessed how his eyes would cloud when the pain intensified and how his jaw would tighten, fighting the urge to cry. He’d felt him trying to move closer into his embrace when he’d held him and spoken to him.
Kazuya felt as though he’d loved Jin since the moment that they’d first met, but he loved him more now than he ever had. Previously he’d been too afraid of his own feelings. He’d barely dared to look at Jin, had tried to avoid him, to block him out, to deny the feelings that stirred in him when they were close, he’d tried to forget their intimacy. His fears were still there; his own voice inside his head still told him that his sexual preference was wrong, that it made him perverse, tainted and worthless. But Jin’s needs were too great and his own guilt was too intense, so he ignored the voice and dedicated himself to his partner’s recovery.
Partner. Lover. Rival. He rarely allowed himself to dwell on what their relationship would be when Jin recovered. He wanted to be forgiven and loved but he knew better than to expect it. Jin wasn’t the sort of man that would ever know love. And even if he was, he would never be desperate enough to seek it in another man. Jin had said it himself: ‘It was just a fuck, don’t get the wrong idea.’ But Jin had saved his life, had turned his weapon on the whole gang rather than killing him. And he had repaid such bravery by shooting him. It had been a moment of crazed fear and madness, his paranoia had told him that Jin would still kill him and that he had to act first. By the time that his mind had told him that this was illogical, it had been too late and Jin had been bleeding in his arms. Regardless of how Jin would treat him in the future, he had to try to make things right.
There were no real flowers in what should have been the garden of the apartment block; the area in which Kenta had lost his life. Weeds and overgrown grass tangled together instead, choking each other as they struggled to reach the fading summer sun. Parts of the garden were bare, areas in which plant life had lost their battles and had faded into nothingness. Kazuya knew most of those areas to be unmarked graves. Blood still stained the bare earth of one such area. He took a deep breath and moved towards Kenta’s grave. He’d searched through the weeds to find something resembling a flower, though it lacked the grandeur usually fitting for a tomb’s bouquet. He placed it now over Kenta’s grave and bowed his head.
~*~*~*~
Jin couldn’t be sure how much time had passed; all he knew was that he was finally regaining his strength. Kazuya was carefully replacing the bandages that crossed his shoulder, talking quietly about a safe that he was attempting to crack. Somehow the wound had been quite shallow; a miracle was what Kazuya called it. Kazuya. He found himself reaching out to gently caress the man’s face, not missing the widening of the eyes and the moments falter that his action caused. The other was growing more and more tense with each passing day and he knew that to be linked with his recovery. There had been times when the awkwardness between them had been too great for Jin, and he’d pretended to be asleep. And on more than one such occasion Kazuya had knelt by him apologizing over and over for what he’d done. He wanted to reassure his partner, to tell him that he was forgiven but he’d grown used to spending days in silence, and somehow no first words had seemed appropriate. Kazuya too, no doubt, was awaiting the return of his voice with both dread and anticipation.
“I…I was thinking…” Kazuya had finished attending to his shoulder, and Jin realised that that was probably his cue to release the man’s face. He did so slowly and not without regret. “It’s probably not a good idea to stay in Tokyo.” He could tell that Kazuya had wanted to raise this issue with him for a while. “So…I was thinking that we should…I mean that’s assuming that you want…I mean…” Jin smiled; Kazuya in caring for him had exposed a part of his personality that he’d never really shown before. Gone was the act of the cool, charming, charismatic loner; this was something real. Kazuya, unaware of the admiration that his nervousness was stirring, was concentrating on regaining his composure and forming his words. “I’m willing to take you wherever you want to go, but I definitely think it would be safer away from here…we could go South or North if you like…”
“As long as we don’t have to flip a coin for it.” He’d spoken the low, sarcastic response before even considering them to be his first words.
Kazuya flinched visibly, and Jin couldn’t be sure whether it was because he’d finally spoken or because of what he’d said. “No…we…I…” the shocked man’s face was flushed with shock and embarrassment.
“Sorry,” Jin could feel his own face darkening, “that was really inappropriate.”
“No!” Kazuya counteracted, “its fine…I mean we don’t…we definitely shouldn’t do that.”
Jin nodded and lowered his eyes. He’d thought that awkwardness was a feeling beyond him, but that was definitely what he was experiencing. Kazuya had changed him so thoroughly, it was almost frightening. Almost. “South would be good…we could go to Kyushu…” there was so much more that he felt he should be saying.
“And you’d want to go…with me?” The look in Kazuya’s eyes took Jin back to their first sexual encounter; to the day that he’d met the man’s furious father. He’d seemed so desperate and childish back then, he’d cried and begged and Jin had rejected him, had tossed him away with cold, hateful words. Kazuya was waiting for him to do the same thing now.
He raised his hand to that frightened, tired face once more. “I’m only going if you’re coming with me.” He said quiet, yet determined with the slightest of smiles. “I think it’s time we left all this crazy gangster bullshit behind us, don’t you?” Kazuya nodded hastily; his eyes wide, unbelieving, waiting for Jin to say more. “I’d like to start a new life… maybe not one that’s entirely crime-free…” he saw a flicker of a smile on Kazuya’s face, “but certainly one without power-mad, Darwin quoting lunatics giving me orders.” He cleared his throat, “I treated you pretty badly after we...I mean…” he sighed and grimaced, “after I fucked you. I’m sorry about that.” He pursed his lips, embarrassed by all the seriousness, “but you certainly got me back!” He laughed gently, but Kazuya still seemed afraid to respond. “What I mean is you’re forgiven for shooting me.”
“I am?” Kazuya barely seemed to believe what he was hearing.
“Let’s not get too sentimental.” Jin slowly slid his hand back and into Kazuya’s hair. “I just don’t feel like holding a grudge...and I…well….I like you.” Kazuya gasped and Jin rolled his eyes. “Can I kiss you now?” Kazuya nodded.
~*~*~*~
With only a vague idea of their destination in mind they had commenced travel early the following morning. Kazuya had gently tried to suggest that they wait a little longer but Jin had insisted. He’d claimed that Tokyo was too tainted and the sooner that they left it behind the better. Kazuya had agreed with him wholeheartedly on that one, but he couldn’t help worrying that such a long journey would have a negative impact on Jin’s recovery.
“How are you feeling?” Kazuya asked, allowing his eyes to dart from the road to his companion. It had been over an hour since the two had exchanged words.
“I’m fine.” Jin answered, though his voice sounded strained and he looked pale.
Kazuya frowned. “We’re approaching Kumamoto,” he offered.
“Seems like as good a place as any,” Jin rolled his head toward Kazuya, who had to fight to keep his eyes trained on the road. “Have you ever been there before?”
“No,” Kazuya admitted, glancing into his mirror nervously. He couldn’t fight the feeling that they might be being followed, though by whom he didn’t know. “I’ve never left Honshu actually.” He could make out Jin smiling through the corner of his eye.
“Kumamoto it is then,” Jin’s tone was calm, soothing, “it’ll be an adventure.”
Kazuya smiled and silence lulled over them until they reached their destination. Kazuya had watched fascinated as the countryside had changed, subtly but noticeably if one paid attention. There was a freshness to this place that filled him with a giddy, childish sort of joy. The summer sky was almost indigo and the foliage an intense array of greens. There even seemed to be a light breeze, penetrating the heavy summer air. But he would have to wait to truly bask in admiration of his new surroundings, for more pressing matters were at hand.
“Don’t go that way,” Jin pulled himself awkwardly from his slouch, “it looks too…classy. There, take that right.” Kazuya did as he was told, unsure how Jin seemed to instinctively know where to go but deciding to trust him nonetheless. Eventually, they found themselves outside of a broken down apartment block, not unlike the many others that they’d frequented that past year. The only difference being that this one was not abandoned.
“Are you sure about this?” Kazuya asked, absentmindedly tweaking his hair and adjusting his shades.
“Not entirely,” Jin sounded relaxed as he flashed him a smile, “shall we go?”
Kazuya shook his head. “You stay in the car,” he said firmly. Jin bristled. “Don’t look at me like that!” Kazuya released his seatbelt, “if we need to escape, you’ll slow us down.” Jin muttered something in response but returned to his slouching. Noticing a young man with spiky hair approaching, Kazuya squeezed Jin’s leg and muttered, “Wish me luck.” before stepping gracefully from the car.
“May I help you?” the man asked politely, Kazuya didn’t miss the twang of his accent.
“I hope so…” Up close the man wasn’t as young as he’d initially thought. Something in the depth of his expression and the faint lines around his eyes took him to be in his mid-thirties, according to Kazuya’s estimation. He was handsome, though there was something unsettling about the way that he held himself. Kazuya knew immediately that this man was not to be messed with. Still, he couldn’t help but notice the slight curve of his mouth and the way that his eyes lingered for just a moment too long on his face. He smiled and removed his glasses. “My name is Kazuyoshi Kyohei,” he lied, “I’ve just arrived in town, and I’m looking for a place to stay…”
“Who’s that?” the man nodded to the car where Jin sat. Noticing the movement, Jin gave him his famous two finger salute. Kazuya rolled his eyes.
“That’s my brother, Take.” he sighed, “We’re from Tokyo but we decided to get away; travel, find some work. He’s still recovering from an accident but he should be fit again in a few weeks.”
“An accident?” the man asked lazily pulling out a cigarette.
“Yeah, car accident, some old guy chipped the sidewalk, Take got in the way. That’s city life for you; it’ll be nice to be somewhere more rural…” he stared into the strangers eyes and smiled. He’d learned that a guy hoping for such tiny gestures would notice them, but they’d be lost on a man not interested. But something told him that this guy was very much interested.
The man nodded and exhaled thoughtfully, “you guys planning on sharing a room? ‘cause we only have double beds.”
Kazuya felt his heart leap but didn’t allow his excitement to show. Instead he frowned and scratched his head, “share a bed? With Take? I don’t know…” he turned to look at Jin, and pulled a face. Jin instinctively pulled one back. He fought off the urge to grin.
“Well we offer single rooms but it’ll cost you…”
“That’s not really an option…see we’ve only got cash…got in some trouble for bad credit at the bank…if you know what I mean…” he moved slightly closer and met the man’s eyes again, lingering there for a few moments.
“Cash?” the man looked suspicious suddenly.
“Yes,” Kazuya tried to look innocent, desperate, “so we’ve got to be real careful with it. But like I said, we’re looking for work too, preferably something cash in hand…”
“How much cash you boys got?” the man seemed to be considering their plight.
“Plenty,” Kazuya said eagerly, staring at him with wide eyes, praying that his naive act was having the desired effect, “enough for at least six months’ rent, I think.” He feigned a look of puzzlement, “though we’re hoping to have found some work and extra money by then, but even if we don’t find anything we can always sell the car.”
“That’s a nice car,” the man commented, admiring it visibly.
“Thanks!” Kazuya smiled. They’d bought the four by four with some of the cash that they’d found in Isamu’s apartment; the man had millions of yen stashed away in various parts of the building. They’d registered it under Kazuya’s father’s name. It had been risky but the thrill of the dare had been worth it. Despite what he’d told the stranger he had no intentions of selling it; it was the first new memory that Jin and he had created together.
“So…can you help us, sir?” Kazuya asked quietly, biting his lip in a show of hopeful nerves.
“Bet you’re used to getting everything you want with that pretty boy act of yours.” The man smirked, flicking his used cigarette butt to the ground. “Well, I suppose cash in hand can’t hurt, but you’ll pay at the beginning of each month not the end. Got that?” Kazuya nodded hastily. “And you say you’re looking for work too? I reckon I could get you a job in the tobacco fields.”
“Tobacco fields?” Kazuya had never imagined himself working a manual job.
“Sure, it’s big business round here. You said you wanted to experience rural life….”
“Would that be cash in hand too?” he asked, folding his arms.
The man grinned, “Sure it would. All off the books. That way the…er…bank won’t find out about you boys being here.”
Kazuya felt his stomach knot but tried to remain unaffected. He pursed his lips. “Who owns the fields?”
“Kuroyama Yui, my little sister.” He held out his hand in the western style of greeting, “I’m Kuroyama Masaru. Guess I’m your new landlord.”
~*~*~*~
“You’re such a flirt.” Jin purred as Kazuya helped him to settle into their new bed. Kuroyama had taken pity on their ‘problem’ and provided them with a spare futon; it lay discarded on the floor. “I didn’t like the way that Kuroyama guy was eyeing you.” He gripped Kazuya’s shirt, while he leaned over him to adjust his pillows, tugging at it gently.
“It worked didn’t it?” Kazuya mumbled, suddenly shy as Jin expertly released his shirts’ buttons with one hand. “We found somewhere to…” he trailed off as he felt Jin’s hands gliding gently over the skin of his stomach. “Jin…I don’t think you should be…” he gasped at the dull pain in his nipple as Jin twisted it. But with the pleasure came prickles of fear and dread. They’d only ever shared intimacy twice and both times had resulted in hateful words and the sickening sting of loneliness. Not mentioning the physical pain that he’d been left suffering, for Jin had not been a gentle lover. “Wait!” His heart was pounding as he tried to pull away. “I don’t…”
“I’m sorry,” he’d never heard Jin’s voice so quiet, as the man retracted his hands, “that was stupid of me…I shouldn’t have…” he raised his hand to his eyes, and pushed his hair back. “I’m a selfish bastard you know, I’ve never really had to consider anyone else before.”
Kazuya lowered himself onto the bed beside him and stared up at the cracks of the faded cream ceiling. “Do you think…” he frowned, not knowing how to express his feelings, his cheeks growing increasingly hot, “will you ever be able to…to respect me?” he cringed, hating himself for sounding so needy and uncertain.
Jin, who had rolled to face him, seemed baffled by the question. “What do you mean?” he gawped.
“So that’s a no then?” Kazuya snapped, paranoia striking him hard in the chest. The pale breezy room suddenly felt suffocating and cramped. He sat up and swung his legs over the bed, not sure of a plan but knowing he needed to escape. A hang gripping his arm caused him to pause.
“What makes you think that I don’t respect you?” Jin snapped, squeezing his skin so that it almost hurt. “Don’t go storming out of here, making assumptions about me ok?” Jin’s eyes were flashing in a way that Kazuya had never seen before.
And something in that look caused Kazuya to deflate. Shaking his head he lowered his eyes. “I feel dirty,” he said slowly, “I feel like…like…” but he couldn’t do it, couldn’t share the thoughts that had eaten him up for so long.
“Come here,” Jin said quietly, loosening his hold on his arm yet pulling it gently. Kazuya allowed himself to be pulled into his embrace. “We can’t pretend that we haven’t been through a lot, Kazuya.” He felt Jin’s lips pressing into his temple, his voice soothing and missing the threatening tone of a moment ago. “I want to change, become less selfish and more…more I don’t even know!” he laughed quietly, and Kazuya thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world, “but I don’t know how to do it by myself.” Jin continued seriously, “You’ve got to help me.”
“I can’t help anyone.” Kazuya whispered, relishing in Jin’s closeness despite the self-disgust that he felt.
“I think you can,” he could hear the smile in Jin’s voice, “and maybe I-I could even help you too.” The brief stammer was the first indication of the nerves that Jin was apparently feeling. Kazuya blinked and lifted his head to gaze into that handsome face. “But it’s going to take time.” Jin spoke quickly now, as though afraid he would suddenly lose his nerve, “we’ve got a new life to build and…and we can take things as fast or as slow as we need.”
Kazuya stunned by the words leaned up to kiss him, stroking his thumb over the man’s cheekbone and smiling into the kiss.
~*~*~*~