My dream last night
I've been in the new apartment for about a week now. It's still a mess, but it's slowly coming together, and I'm starting to feel like I belong here.
Last night I had a dream that left me feeling surprisingly sad. (For reference in this dream and to those of you who don't know, my good friend Laura is currently out of California for the entire month of July) In the dream, Laura came home from a trip early. I stopped by her house for some forgotten reason, and I didn't expect to see her there. But, I not only discovered that she was there, but she had large group of friends and school acquaintances there with her, though I had no idea she was even around. She greeted me very awkwardly, and then sheepishly sent me on my way and said she'd call me. She said she would have to explain everything later. I left Laura's house, really confused and sad, and feeling really out of touch...
When I woke up today, I could still feel that sense of sadness and rejection. It got me thinking about where I stand with my friends, and made me really wonder how they see me, and how much they truly value me, or perhaps how they may not need me after all. I realize that for months now I have not been the quality friend that I would like to be. I realize that the stress I have felt since I started my current job in November has greatly added to my distractions, frustrations, and ultimately leaving less time for my friends that I care deeply about. I have admitted this to these friends - numerous times over these last 9 months I have said this to people, explaining and apologizing for the factors that have taken me away from them, and kept me from being a solid presence in their lives. Now, I know it's not just my job, and I know that I am not the only person who is busy and stressed out. Other factors in my life contributed to my absence, like a serious illness in my family and my growing relationship with my boyfriend. My friends have also had issues and distractions, like intense relationships and obstacles in their family and social lives. But I can't help but feel like no matter how much I apologize, and no matter how many times I pull these important people in my life aside to say 'thank you for understanding/I love you and cherish your friendship/this won't be forever/I want to stay a fixture in your life'... I feel like sometimes these statements, and the small (and unfortunately far between) gestures I make are lost on deaf ears- or ears that are tired of hearing what I have to say. It makes me so sad to think that the most important people in my life might not still think of me as one of the most important people in theirs. And although the blame does not rest solely on my shoulders, I know I carry the brunt of it, and it hurts my heart.
I hope that my friends have not given up on me. I also hope that these thoughts don't read of self pity, as really all I want to say is I'm sorry. My dream last night left me lonely, but it also left me more determined to sort things out with the people I care the most about. I cannot promise that I will have all the free time in the world now. I cannot promise that I will call everyday. I cannot promise that my disposition will suddenly turn rosey and that my frustration due to my work life and family problems won't still bother me.
What I can promise is this: I am working on it. I am working towards finding a job that respects my time and energy, that will not send me home at the end of the day, tried and miserable and worrying about the next days tasks. I am working towards bigger gestures, even if now all I can give is occasional sympathy hugs and talks, and lunch when I have an extra $20. I am working towards making you all feel appreciated and reminding you that even if I am not ever-present in your daily lives, YOU are ever-present in my daily thoughts, and that I love you and care about you.
I am trying, and I hope you'll understand.
Last night I had a dream that left me feeling surprisingly sad. (For reference in this dream and to those of you who don't know, my good friend Laura is currently out of California for the entire month of July) In the dream, Laura came home from a trip early. I stopped by her house for some forgotten reason, and I didn't expect to see her there. But, I not only discovered that she was there, but she had large group of friends and school acquaintances there with her, though I had no idea she was even around. She greeted me very awkwardly, and then sheepishly sent me on my way and said she'd call me. She said she would have to explain everything later. I left Laura's house, really confused and sad, and feeling really out of touch...
When I woke up today, I could still feel that sense of sadness and rejection. It got me thinking about where I stand with my friends, and made me really wonder how they see me, and how much they truly value me, or perhaps how they may not need me after all. I realize that for months now I have not been the quality friend that I would like to be. I realize that the stress I have felt since I started my current job in November has greatly added to my distractions, frustrations, and ultimately leaving less time for my friends that I care deeply about. I have admitted this to these friends - numerous times over these last 9 months I have said this to people, explaining and apologizing for the factors that have taken me away from them, and kept me from being a solid presence in their lives. Now, I know it's not just my job, and I know that I am not the only person who is busy and stressed out. Other factors in my life contributed to my absence, like a serious illness in my family and my growing relationship with my boyfriend. My friends have also had issues and distractions, like intense relationships and obstacles in their family and social lives. But I can't help but feel like no matter how much I apologize, and no matter how many times I pull these important people in my life aside to say 'thank you for understanding/I love you and cherish your friendship/this won't be forever/I want to stay a fixture in your life'... I feel like sometimes these statements, and the small (and unfortunately far between) gestures I make are lost on deaf ears- or ears that are tired of hearing what I have to say. It makes me so sad to think that the most important people in my life might not still think of me as one of the most important people in theirs. And although the blame does not rest solely on my shoulders, I know I carry the brunt of it, and it hurts my heart.
I hope that my friends have not given up on me. I also hope that these thoughts don't read of self pity, as really all I want to say is I'm sorry. My dream last night left me lonely, but it also left me more determined to sort things out with the people I care the most about. I cannot promise that I will have all the free time in the world now. I cannot promise that I will call everyday. I cannot promise that my disposition will suddenly turn rosey and that my frustration due to my work life and family problems won't still bother me.
What I can promise is this: I am working on it. I am working towards finding a job that respects my time and energy, that will not send me home at the end of the day, tried and miserable and worrying about the next days tasks. I am working towards bigger gestures, even if now all I can give is occasional sympathy hugs and talks, and lunch when I have an extra $20. I am working towards making you all feel appreciated and reminding you that even if I am not ever-present in your daily lives, YOU are ever-present in my daily thoughts, and that I love you and care about you.
I am trying, and I hope you'll understand.