thoughts

Nov 14, 2007 15:48

How. How do I deal with a friend dying. How do I learn to be Ok with my own company again. How do you go from loving one person and wanting to share your life them to loving another so completely that you would do anything to make them smile even if it means compromising on who I am and changing habits of a lifetime. Life can sometimes be so confusing and hard and emotional. I want her to live and love and enjoy life with the rest of us. I want to be able to loose contact with people and when we get back in touch have things like they used to be without this thing called Cancer sitting their like a fat lump between us. I wish I was wiser and more grounded. I wish I could wholly trust in some greater power in my life so that I can let go of trying to control everything in the sound knowledge that things will turn out the way they should and were supposed to without my interference. I want life to be just a little bit clearer. What path am I supposed to walk down now? Do I stay where I am or do I start to try new things. Do I search for a different job or try to find something that motivates me and inspires me in the one that I have already. Should I have more hobbies more projects or should I be trying to learn to just be. It is funny but being rather than doing much easier when I share it with someone else. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life on people who don’t love me for who I am or on people who don’t want to eventually settle down and share their life with someone else. How do I reconcile this with the fact that the person I love is sometimes distant and definitely a loner? Someone who gets irritable if they don’t get a regulation 4 days of alone time week. Should I push them? Should I challenge them to let me in? Do I want to get that close to someone again? Can I truly let them in to my life? When do you stop being me and become us and we. Love is crazy. Am I even ready to move on? Being dumped is a blow to the ego but it is also more, it is having to let of hopes, dreams, plans for the future. To do all that because someone else makes you is harder than doing it because you chose that path for yourself. I was recently told by the person who dumped me that they wish it had been harder or that they were angry at me because in someway that would allow them to move on. But what they didn’t realize is that while they chose the path for themselves it was easy, it was what was right for them. It wasn’t the path I chose for myself. I am angry, angry that someone forced my hand and there was nothing I could do to stop it, angry that I couldn’t control that part of my life. I am also angry that I can’t just say stop, turn the clock back I need more time. I am angry that I have missed spending time with one of the most wonderful people in the world and now I will never get that time back. Taking things like love and friendship for granted is not a good idea it only leads to anger, frustration, and loss. When you have a bad day, a bad week and the world feels like it is falling down around your ears all I want is a hug and a thoughtful person telling me that I am strong, I will cope and that things will happen because they need to not because I did or didn’t do something. Why can’t he hug me and tell me that I will manage. It is not like I am asking him to solve a problem for me, just for some encouragement that I have the strength to get through and that someone else can see that strength in me even when I can’t.
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