Stupid fucking angst is fucking stupid.
I applied to college last week. Got my acceptance letter this week. I'm finally going to school, after four years (nearly five) of being out of high school. Whereas most of my ex-high school classmates are graduating from college, I'm just starting. And I'm okay with that.
Got home this afternoon, and found my acceptance letter. It's such an unbelievable feeling to know I've got my life started again! And I'm going to a GREAT school, and studying Law & Society. I want to be a lawyer. I think the law is fascinating, and I could do a crap ton of stuff with a law degree. Maybe even teach!
Then, of course, as things go, nothing good lasts because, a couple of hours later, my dad gets home and has to shit all over it.
My dad is kind of a dick. He's a salesman who has to stand on his feet the entire day. Meanwhile, he suffers from a clotting disorder that, after damaging some capillaries underneath the skin of his left leg, causes blood to pool in his leg. Then, he's got arthritis in his ankles and feet, and he's constantly in pain. How does he deal with it? Not by going to the doctor, no! In fact, he stopped going to the doctor (who was helping him, by the way!!!) because he's lazy. Instead, he takes it out on the rest of the fucking family.
His big issue with me is that I don't clean my room/car often enough. I admit, it's a pig sty. It's my fucking sty though, so butt out.
His favorite line, when yelling at me about this, was, "You don't even pay rent! So you need to do what we say, and clean your room!"
Yeah, well, now I damn well do pay rent ($300/month to my parents to stay in my own house) and they still treat me like I'm their child. Particularly him. He says I need to clean my room. I point out that I pay rent now, and it shouldn't matter what my room looks like as long as I keep my door closed (and I do) and he doesn't have to see it. He responds:
"You don't pay rent!"
Yeah, I fucking do. I give Mom a whole bunch of my fucking money every month (sometimes twice a month (for the next month) because they can't handle their own goddamned finances), and he doesn't even know about it!!! He looked shocked when I told him.
Then, he says, "You still need to clean your room."
By this time, I haven't mentioned the acceptance letter, or the fact that his fucking failure of a daughter (he's told me that a couple of times) is going to college ON HER OWN DIME. Why waste the breath when he's not going to care. And after his whole rant, his favorite thing to say is this: "I wish I would just die. I wish a fucking lightning bolt would strike me dead, and I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit."
And I kind of though, I wish that, too. Cuz then maybe you'd be out of pain, and out of my life, and I could be a little bit happier. But then I remember that I do love my dad. I do know that he's in pain. I do know that he doesn't know how to deal with it. And I feel terrible.
I just wish it could all stop. I want to move out, but I can't afford it because my new position may not be permanent and I can never HOPE to afford an apartment going back to my old hourly rate. I want to be on my own, but I can't be, and that fucking sucks.
Of course, he didn't notice the acceptance letter I put on the fridge door. What a fucking douchebag.
Got home this afternoon, and found my acceptance letter. It's such an unbelievable feeling to know I've got my life started again! And I'm going to a GREAT school, and studying Law & Society. I want to be a lawyer. I think the law is fascinating, and I could do a crap ton of stuff with a law degree. Maybe even teach!
Then, of course, as things go, nothing good lasts because, a couple of hours later, my dad gets home and has to shit all over it.
My dad is kind of a dick. He's a salesman who has to stand on his feet the entire day. Meanwhile, he suffers from a clotting disorder that, after damaging some capillaries underneath the skin of his left leg, causes blood to pool in his leg. Then, he's got arthritis in his ankles and feet, and he's constantly in pain. How does he deal with it? Not by going to the doctor, no! In fact, he stopped going to the doctor (who was helping him, by the way!!!) because he's lazy. Instead, he takes it out on the rest of the fucking family.
His big issue with me is that I don't clean my room/car often enough. I admit, it's a pig sty. It's my fucking sty though, so butt out.
His favorite line, when yelling at me about this, was, "You don't even pay rent! So you need to do what we say, and clean your room!"
Yeah, well, now I damn well do pay rent ($300/month to my parents to stay in my own house) and they still treat me like I'm their child. Particularly him. He says I need to clean my room. I point out that I pay rent now, and it shouldn't matter what my room looks like as long as I keep my door closed (and I do) and he doesn't have to see it. He responds:
"You don't pay rent!"
Yeah, I fucking do. I give Mom a whole bunch of my fucking money every month (sometimes twice a month (for the next month) because they can't handle their own goddamned finances), and he doesn't even know about it!!! He looked shocked when I told him.
Then, he says, "You still need to clean your room."
By this time, I haven't mentioned the acceptance letter, or the fact that his fucking failure of a daughter (he's told me that a couple of times) is going to college ON HER OWN DIME. Why waste the breath when he's not going to care. And after his whole rant, his favorite thing to say is this: "I wish I would just die. I wish a fucking lightning bolt would strike me dead, and I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit."
And I kind of though, I wish that, too. Cuz then maybe you'd be out of pain, and out of my life, and I could be a little bit happier. But then I remember that I do love my dad. I do know that he's in pain. I do know that he doesn't know how to deal with it. And I feel terrible.
I just wish it could all stop. I want to move out, but I can't afford it because my new position may not be permanent and I can never HOPE to afford an apartment going back to my old hourly rate. I want to be on my own, but I can't be, and that fucking sucks.
Of course, he didn't notice the acceptance letter I put on the fridge door. What a fucking douchebag.