I am angry
I am watching "Rob Roy" for the first time in recent memory.
I am angry.
I think this is the first time I have readily admitted and documented this feeling.
The problem is, I'm not angry at any one or thing in particular...perhaps only myself - if my anger must have a guinea pig.
I am angry that I didn't do my best work in high school and college. I had so much just sitting there...at my disposal...and I disposed of it. I mean, I didn't study...didn't TRY... and got by with an average record. I could have put more effort in and graduated with a 4.0+++++ from Yale. Fuck.
Robert MacGregor is getting his ass kicked.
Nevermind, he just cut that d-bag in half.
Anyway, I'm angry that life has been shitty for the past 2.5 years. Shortly after I graduated from the safety of college things shifted. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinson's, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my brother married a moron, my family splintered apart, the dogs I grew up with died, I went through a difficult break-up, my paternal grandma died, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I left my 3rd job in not as many years.
I need a fresh start. I need to get away and forget who I am/was.
I am tired of beating my head against the wall trying to be something I am not. The problem is, I don't know who I am. I don't know what is best. I don't know my next move.
When I was growing up, my life was planned in charts and graphs. To-Do Lists, Goal Sheets, Applications. School was filled with classes and extra-curricular activities and my parents' demands. Summers and breaks were a slew of camps and trips and jobs.
Now unemployed, disinterested in my life as it is, void of lists and goals and plans, my deficiancies are blaringly obvious. My needs are clear. I am not tied to anyone or anything. I need to travel while I still can.
I need to leave America. I am going to South Africa.
I am angry.
I think this is the first time I have readily admitted and documented this feeling.
The problem is, I'm not angry at any one or thing in particular...perhaps only myself - if my anger must have a guinea pig.
I am angry that I didn't do my best work in high school and college. I had so much just sitting there...at my disposal...and I disposed of it. I mean, I didn't study...didn't TRY... and got by with an average record. I could have put more effort in and graduated with a 4.0+++++ from Yale. Fuck.
Robert MacGregor is getting his ass kicked.
Nevermind, he just cut that d-bag in half.
Anyway, I'm angry that life has been shitty for the past 2.5 years. Shortly after I graduated from the safety of college things shifted. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinson's, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my brother married a moron, my family splintered apart, the dogs I grew up with died, I went through a difficult break-up, my paternal grandma died, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I left my 3rd job in not as many years.
I need a fresh start. I need to get away and forget who I am/was.
I am tired of beating my head against the wall trying to be something I am not. The problem is, I don't know who I am. I don't know what is best. I don't know my next move.
When I was growing up, my life was planned in charts and graphs. To-Do Lists, Goal Sheets, Applications. School was filled with classes and extra-curricular activities and my parents' demands. Summers and breaks were a slew of camps and trips and jobs.
Now unemployed, disinterested in my life as it is, void of lists and goals and plans, my deficiancies are blaringly obvious. My needs are clear. I am not tied to anyone or anything. I need to travel while I still can.
I need to leave America. I am going to South Africa.