poop entry
heres my deep entry...
i am pooping.
i am going to bitch at points in this entry... i know i am bitching, you dont need to comment saying, wow, you are bitching, or lifes not that bad, because i know its not that bad and im not meaning to say it is.
like i said, it has been awhile since i wrote in here. i dont really have much to say. i have come to terms with my life being not all i imagined it to be. i really have big dreams for myself, i and i know if i apply myself i can get there, but all of my dreams come crashing down eventually. there is so much i have wanted to do and just never done. if is mostly unrealistic things like moving out of the country, building a car, becoming famous, just random shit like that. after a while all of this stuff never happening kind of took a toll on me and i had a sort of realiztion thing over christmas that really kind of knocked my spirits. i had to settle for what my life is now. i know its not really settleing because i have so much in my life, but its not everything i want my life to be. i am a dreamer, and its hard because a lot of the times it is constant disappointment when things dont actually happen. i know life can be made so great, and right now i am just not able to make it happen. for now i am content, but i want to be down right happy and achieveing my goals for the big time.
i got a job and it is basically the best thing i could do for myself right now. i am working for the media productions office at my school basically editing video, and working with a lot of equiptment i would be working with if i decided to make media work my career. this is really good because i can see if this is something i want to do the rest of my life, or if it is just a passion i like doing now. after i had to do photo for other people i stopped liking it and it sort of burned me out. i still enjoy taking pictures every once in a while, but not nearly as much as i did. my new job will help me see if it is the same for video work. i am proud of myself for doing this, i am putting myself in the best possible situation.
on another note... i am not doing well in school. i am making grades and shit, but not nearly as good as i want to. as it stands now, i probably wouldnt be able to transfer if i wanted to. i havent looked at schools since christmas until tonight. i think i really want to study sports management and become a sports agent. tcu doesnt have a program for it, so i would need to transfer. i really want to get out and see the world so i was looking at schools in europe or hawaii or somewhere that would be cool to live. i want to be able to say, "i go to school in _________" and it actually be a place someone would want to go visit. if i do transfer it would have to be after soph year so i can get my grades up.
i need to decide what i want to do. if i transfer i lose whatever i have at tcu. it isnt much, but its there. i have a few cool close friends and i have the rugby team. rugby if probably the only reason i have made it through this semester. it gave me something to look forward to. i knew that i would at least have something to tues, thurs nights, and saturdays we have matches. also it turned out to be a really fun sport to play. it renewed drive and purpose to my life. i had a reason to take care of myself and train hard. this summer and i am going to train and lift so i dont lose my starting spot on the team. i have never been a bench player and i dont plan on becoming one now.
going to SF for spring break was interesting. i had fun but it is obvious everyone is changing. some more than others. this isnt something i really feel like i need to write out, i have already talked about it with real people and not some html online journal fake person. i write these entries to gomez my computer and whoever reads them just happens to read them, im not writing them to you. gomez is my man.
yea, basically i want more for myself than i have right now and i need to do it. i know i am not one to actually stick with things and do them. even though i really want to work out and lift for rugby, i dont know if i actually will. i am aware of this, but i dont know if ill be able to change my actions anyways. life... i want so much out of it, but my biggest fear is wanting it but not making it come true. i keep telling myself its because im too young and i have a lot left before ill be able to reach all of my goals, but i dont know if thats just another excuse i am telling myself. maybe if i had been working all my life, and saving money i would have enough to buy the car i want. but on the other hand, if i had been working all my life i would lose out on a lot of experiences that i had. so its a trade-off opportunity cost sort of thing. ive lived my life up til now, and i need to just make sure i make of the right decions from here on out to reach all of my goals.
my main problem is, i have mixed goals. since i have been influenced by so many cultures my dreams clash. i really want a house in the subs so i can be "that dad" like in the commercials, but the other half of me has always wanted to live in a city. i feel at home in cities. so i dont even know which dream i should be trying to reach sometimes.
there are only about 4 people i trust. i dont fully trust them, but i feel like they dont lie to me, i feel like they are honest. no one would be able to guess who these 4 people are. im not saying i only have 3 friends, because i do have far more than 3, but there are only 3 i feel a certain way about. hard to describe. dont ask me if you are one of the 3.
dont really know what else to say. just felt like i should write something worth while in here. and this WAS worth while.
i am pooping.
i am going to bitch at points in this entry... i know i am bitching, you dont need to comment saying, wow, you are bitching, or lifes not that bad, because i know its not that bad and im not meaning to say it is.
like i said, it has been awhile since i wrote in here. i dont really have much to say. i have come to terms with my life being not all i imagined it to be. i really have big dreams for myself, i and i know if i apply myself i can get there, but all of my dreams come crashing down eventually. there is so much i have wanted to do and just never done. if is mostly unrealistic things like moving out of the country, building a car, becoming famous, just random shit like that. after a while all of this stuff never happening kind of took a toll on me and i had a sort of realiztion thing over christmas that really kind of knocked my spirits. i had to settle for what my life is now. i know its not really settleing because i have so much in my life, but its not everything i want my life to be. i am a dreamer, and its hard because a lot of the times it is constant disappointment when things dont actually happen. i know life can be made so great, and right now i am just not able to make it happen. for now i am content, but i want to be down right happy and achieveing my goals for the big time.
i got a job and it is basically the best thing i could do for myself right now. i am working for the media productions office at my school basically editing video, and working with a lot of equiptment i would be working with if i decided to make media work my career. this is really good because i can see if this is something i want to do the rest of my life, or if it is just a passion i like doing now. after i had to do photo for other people i stopped liking it and it sort of burned me out. i still enjoy taking pictures every once in a while, but not nearly as much as i did. my new job will help me see if it is the same for video work. i am proud of myself for doing this, i am putting myself in the best possible situation.
on another note... i am not doing well in school. i am making grades and shit, but not nearly as good as i want to. as it stands now, i probably wouldnt be able to transfer if i wanted to. i havent looked at schools since christmas until tonight. i think i really want to study sports management and become a sports agent. tcu doesnt have a program for it, so i would need to transfer. i really want to get out and see the world so i was looking at schools in europe or hawaii or somewhere that would be cool to live. i want to be able to say, "i go to school in _________" and it actually be a place someone would want to go visit. if i do transfer it would have to be after soph year so i can get my grades up.
i need to decide what i want to do. if i transfer i lose whatever i have at tcu. it isnt much, but its there. i have a few cool close friends and i have the rugby team. rugby if probably the only reason i have made it through this semester. it gave me something to look forward to. i knew that i would at least have something to tues, thurs nights, and saturdays we have matches. also it turned out to be a really fun sport to play. it renewed drive and purpose to my life. i had a reason to take care of myself and train hard. this summer and i am going to train and lift so i dont lose my starting spot on the team. i have never been a bench player and i dont plan on becoming one now.
going to SF for spring break was interesting. i had fun but it is obvious everyone is changing. some more than others. this isnt something i really feel like i need to write out, i have already talked about it with real people and not some html online journal fake person. i write these entries to gomez my computer and whoever reads them just happens to read them, im not writing them to you. gomez is my man.
yea, basically i want more for myself than i have right now and i need to do it. i know i am not one to actually stick with things and do them. even though i really want to work out and lift for rugby, i dont know if i actually will. i am aware of this, but i dont know if ill be able to change my actions anyways. life... i want so much out of it, but my biggest fear is wanting it but not making it come true. i keep telling myself its because im too young and i have a lot left before ill be able to reach all of my goals, but i dont know if thats just another excuse i am telling myself. maybe if i had been working all my life, and saving money i would have enough to buy the car i want. but on the other hand, if i had been working all my life i would lose out on a lot of experiences that i had. so its a trade-off opportunity cost sort of thing. ive lived my life up til now, and i need to just make sure i make of the right decions from here on out to reach all of my goals.
my main problem is, i have mixed goals. since i have been influenced by so many cultures my dreams clash. i really want a house in the subs so i can be "that dad" like in the commercials, but the other half of me has always wanted to live in a city. i feel at home in cities. so i dont even know which dream i should be trying to reach sometimes.
there are only about 4 people i trust. i dont fully trust them, but i feel like they dont lie to me, i feel like they are honest. no one would be able to guess who these 4 people are. im not saying i only have 3 friends, because i do have far more than 3, but there are only 3 i feel a certain way about. hard to describe. dont ask me if you are one of the 3.
dont really know what else to say. just felt like i should write something worth while in here. and this WAS worth while.