singing monuments to where i've been & melodies to where i'm going
i am here right now, and i think that's where i'll be for a long time.
college so far is alright, it certainly has it's ups and downs. sometimes i don't know if i'll make it, and sometimes i don't know how i ever made it waiting so long to finally get here and set up my new life. my sheets no longer smell of the plastic they were wrapped in, and the sun shines in through my industrial blinds onto the rose my friends bought for me to fill my otherwise empty pier 1 vase. i am listening to a jazz cd that was given to me by the piano player of the band that played at the reception for the university convocation. one of my best friends pooja slept over last night and is now currently relishing in the sheer joy of the bathroom in my res hall, which is much better than her own as she constantly reminds me. the girl even waits to pee until she's visiting me, and then makes a run for it. college is something of a transcendental experience in itself, i think, as i wait for her to return.
i've never felt so outside myself, looking inward. the priya at case that i see is a little different from the priya she used to be...she laughs a little louder and smiles a little wider, but i think that's only because she wants people to judge her correctly as a fun, loyal, good friend who will be there. she feels sad sometimes though when she thinks of what she left behind, the friends that already knew her and didn't need to break her in, and the track changes from her favorite song on the cd to one she hates. she turns it up to drown pooja's hindi music out, left playing while she is in the shower. this is music that she secretly can't stand to listen to because it reminds her of her mother cooking in the kitchen at home in her bare feet, and of the aromas that would climb all the way upstairs into her room while she was studying.
when i see that priya, i feel a little lost and confused despite all the fun i've been having and the wonderful friendships i've forged. people here are absolutely wonderful and i haven't come across anyone within my circle who i know couldn't be just as good a friend as the friends i've had. but it's not the same. i turn 18 on tuesday and i feel no more grown than i did on my 6th birthday. the comfort of the predictable no longer makes the future into a big soft pillow that i can lie my head on and dream away. i wonder, how do you validate all these fast-paced changes in your life? or do you?
but all in all, i am good and will probably continue to use a combination of relaxation and strength and worry and determination to see things through. why are things never as big a deal as we make them out to be? and why am i sitting here at 11:30 on a saturday morning, unsure of what's ahead of me and feeling nervous at the pit of my stomach that i'm not going to survive? i love it here, i can't lie, and i feel that i've adapted well. i keep going back and forth...
the door creaks open and i look over and hear pooja sighing heavily after enjoying the beautiful sherman 4th floor showers. she asks me if i will call my friend dan to hang out later, as she is going home in about an hour for the long weekend. and right now, i think i will get up and go pick up my phone.
i think i will be okay here, where i am. i have to be.
college so far is alright, it certainly has it's ups and downs. sometimes i don't know if i'll make it, and sometimes i don't know how i ever made it waiting so long to finally get here and set up my new life. my sheets no longer smell of the plastic they were wrapped in, and the sun shines in through my industrial blinds onto the rose my friends bought for me to fill my otherwise empty pier 1 vase. i am listening to a jazz cd that was given to me by the piano player of the band that played at the reception for the university convocation. one of my best friends pooja slept over last night and is now currently relishing in the sheer joy of the bathroom in my res hall, which is much better than her own as she constantly reminds me. the girl even waits to pee until she's visiting me, and then makes a run for it. college is something of a transcendental experience in itself, i think, as i wait for her to return.
i've never felt so outside myself, looking inward. the priya at case that i see is a little different from the priya she used to be...she laughs a little louder and smiles a little wider, but i think that's only because she wants people to judge her correctly as a fun, loyal, good friend who will be there. she feels sad sometimes though when she thinks of what she left behind, the friends that already knew her and didn't need to break her in, and the track changes from her favorite song on the cd to one she hates. she turns it up to drown pooja's hindi music out, left playing while she is in the shower. this is music that she secretly can't stand to listen to because it reminds her of her mother cooking in the kitchen at home in her bare feet, and of the aromas that would climb all the way upstairs into her room while she was studying.
when i see that priya, i feel a little lost and confused despite all the fun i've been having and the wonderful friendships i've forged. people here are absolutely wonderful and i haven't come across anyone within my circle who i know couldn't be just as good a friend as the friends i've had. but it's not the same. i turn 18 on tuesday and i feel no more grown than i did on my 6th birthday. the comfort of the predictable no longer makes the future into a big soft pillow that i can lie my head on and dream away. i wonder, how do you validate all these fast-paced changes in your life? or do you?
but all in all, i am good and will probably continue to use a combination of relaxation and strength and worry and determination to see things through. why are things never as big a deal as we make them out to be? and why am i sitting here at 11:30 on a saturday morning, unsure of what's ahead of me and feeling nervous at the pit of my stomach that i'm not going to survive? i love it here, i can't lie, and i feel that i've adapted well. i keep going back and forth...
the door creaks open and i look over and hear pooja sighing heavily after enjoying the beautiful sherman 4th floor showers. she asks me if i will call my friend dan to hang out later, as she is going home in about an hour for the long weekend. and right now, i think i will get up and go pick up my phone.
i think i will be okay here, where i am. i have to be.