finding ease
"I'm getting there, ease, it's coming to me, but my natural state is a little bit unsatisfied, always pushing for more, or different, maybe i' still too young for ease. It's funny, other girls maybe they saw that in men and wanted to fuck them. But i just wanted to be them. You can't though. If you're a girl. You can't ever be one of the boys. It took me forever to learn this, years and years, of trying. Of walking the line between girl friend and girlfriend. But it's impossible to do...
And it's a lie to say i was better than other girls, of course i wanted what they wanted, but my price was a little higher, somehow hearts had to get broken, just to make sure i wasn't getting taken advantage of, just to make sure it was really real, you know, it didn't matter whether it was my heart or someone else's, just the fact. God I am such a boy in some ways when i think of the ways i notched my belt. I mean, do you do that? It's disgusting, but I still get a rush when i see old lovers, like, i had you. I know your secrets. Does everyone do this? Do you look at girls and feel that little animal proprietary spark, regardless of the 'correct' feelings you might be having? There is something to be said for it, how else do you get to know someone? Without knowing them for years, without putting in all the time it takes to know someone,...take off their clothes, watch them look at you, bite their shoulder to see what noise they make. It's so easy. There are at least two people in this town who i know for a fact cry after they come. It makes them human to me Aaron. It's so not decent.
Maybe this is all because i was thinking about the fact that i think i've been in love more deeply and more often with music than with people. I think it's true most of the time. People are just awefully disappointing compared to records. I once dated a boy whose music i loved, but he wasn't anything like it at all. What am i talking about, once? Multiple times, multiple multiple times. I still love them when i hear their records, but it's not them, it's that better version of themselves. I guess that's why i don't assume i know you at all. I think of all writing as necessarily fiction. Letters included. We can't help it. I can be as honest as possible and its still a construction. We are excellent editors."
melita to Aaron, Cometbus #50
And it's a lie to say i was better than other girls, of course i wanted what they wanted, but my price was a little higher, somehow hearts had to get broken, just to make sure i wasn't getting taken advantage of, just to make sure it was really real, you know, it didn't matter whether it was my heart or someone else's, just the fact. God I am such a boy in some ways when i think of the ways i notched my belt. I mean, do you do that? It's disgusting, but I still get a rush when i see old lovers, like, i had you. I know your secrets. Does everyone do this? Do you look at girls and feel that little animal proprietary spark, regardless of the 'correct' feelings you might be having? There is something to be said for it, how else do you get to know someone? Without knowing them for years, without putting in all the time it takes to know someone,...take off their clothes, watch them look at you, bite their shoulder to see what noise they make. It's so easy. There are at least two people in this town who i know for a fact cry after they come. It makes them human to me Aaron. It's so not decent.
Maybe this is all because i was thinking about the fact that i think i've been in love more deeply and more often with music than with people. I think it's true most of the time. People are just awefully disappointing compared to records. I once dated a boy whose music i loved, but he wasn't anything like it at all. What am i talking about, once? Multiple times, multiple multiple times. I still love them when i hear their records, but it's not them, it's that better version of themselves. I guess that's why i don't assume i know you at all. I think of all writing as necessarily fiction. Letters included. We can't help it. I can be as honest as possible and its still a construction. We are excellent editors."
melita to Aaron, Cometbus #50