Melancholy Morning
I’m sad this morning. The distance between my wife and me is big. My credit is shit because I have overspent since buying our house and it is causing problems with getting a new second. I am crushed inside somewhere around this money issue. I am fucking afraid of money. Short of wanting to take in more than I spend, I don’t want anything to do with it. I hate the idea of managing investments and all that. I can tell that this links right into my boyhood, the struggles between my mother and father and all the pain there. I know it does, but I truly have no idea how.
I notice as I try to think and feel into my melancholy that distractions abound. I guess it is just no fun feeling bad about myself. I do feel bad about myself in these places. God-the-father sits on his thrown and judges me very harshly. I am I not willing to do the work of life! Other than in my work life, I feel like a lazy slothful person; I just want to have the easy and good parts but I don’t want to work to make life work. This me hurts my wife and all those I love.
The voice in my head is screaming, “You’re a shit! You’re a shit! You’re a shit! You are not a good person!” This voice that I hold at bay, is the voice that saps my energy for life. The voice says I am not worth taking care of, that I don’t deserve any goodness, and that goodness that comes my way is some cosmic mistake. Another voice crying inside, under (or below) pleads, “Mommy love me, take care of me, make it OK.” [The world is scary and your violence terrifies me. Please stop.]
So, who is the real me? Am I the terrified child within, unable to cope? Am I the one that has moments of bliss? Am I the one who moves through life more or less a decent person trying to minimize the pain I cause? Am I the busy worker trying to make a company successful? Am I the watcher of these? Am I the writer of this? Am I the one who wonders about my sanity? Am I the one who cries? Am I the one who feels lost? Am I the one feels the pain in my body? Am I the one who is all of the above and more? Am I the one who is none of the above and less? Am I the one who does not exist? What the fuck am I?
[I advise you to abandon me because I do not know who or what I am.] I want you[1] to love me and forgive me, to restore the wholeness that I do not have the strength or courage to restore for myself.
Healing must start when “You” becomes ‘Me.” [I am not sure that I have the strength to love me, to really love me.]
r.slime
[1] “You” is not someone it is everyone. There is such a dilemma as I try to individuate, to really own myself; I am deeply attracted to anyone who will take care of me. There is a desire inside to abandon myself to that caregiving - any caregiving. At the same time, to accept caregiving is deeply nurturing to the soul. When I am feeling more whole, I can see a balance point there, but I recognize the deep conflict. Perhaps abandoning everything and everyone can be an act of courage if it is really a search for self.
I notice as I try to think and feel into my melancholy that distractions abound. I guess it is just no fun feeling bad about myself. I do feel bad about myself in these places. God-the-father sits on his thrown and judges me very harshly. I am I not willing to do the work of life! Other than in my work life, I feel like a lazy slothful person; I just want to have the easy and good parts but I don’t want to work to make life work. This me hurts my wife and all those I love.
The voice in my head is screaming, “You’re a shit! You’re a shit! You’re a shit! You are not a good person!” This voice that I hold at bay, is the voice that saps my energy for life. The voice says I am not worth taking care of, that I don’t deserve any goodness, and that goodness that comes my way is some cosmic mistake. Another voice crying inside, under (or below) pleads, “Mommy love me, take care of me, make it OK.” [The world is scary and your violence terrifies me. Please stop.]
So, who is the real me? Am I the terrified child within, unable to cope? Am I the one that has moments of bliss? Am I the one who moves through life more or less a decent person trying to minimize the pain I cause? Am I the busy worker trying to make a company successful? Am I the watcher of these? Am I the writer of this? Am I the one who wonders about my sanity? Am I the one who cries? Am I the one who feels lost? Am I the one feels the pain in my body? Am I the one who is all of the above and more? Am I the one who is none of the above and less? Am I the one who does not exist? What the fuck am I?
[I advise you to abandon me because I do not know who or what I am.] I want you[1] to love me and forgive me, to restore the wholeness that I do not have the strength or courage to restore for myself.
Healing must start when “You” becomes ‘Me.” [I am not sure that I have the strength to love me, to really love me.]
r.slime
[1] “You” is not someone it is everyone. There is such a dilemma as I try to individuate, to really own myself; I am deeply attracted to anyone who will take care of me. There is a desire inside to abandon myself to that caregiving - any caregiving. At the same time, to accept caregiving is deeply nurturing to the soul. When I am feeling more whole, I can see a balance point there, but I recognize the deep conflict. Perhaps abandoning everything and everyone can be an act of courage if it is really a search for self.